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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: I’m lost  (Read 407 times)
ilikedoggos

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 4


« on: April 07, 2020, 07:01:04 AM »

Hi, my ex partner (hate even saying ex) broke up with me the other day and I’ve been feeling so lost.
I asked for reassurance cos of my anxiety and since we are long distance and borders are closed due to covid, I was scared they’d lose interest (I’m female, they’re non binary, born female),
they told me regardless of what they’re feeling, it’s not because of me, but because have been feeling numb and empty and doesn’t know how to maintain any relationship so they broke it off.
I’m devastated and feel like I’m lost and that a part of me isn’t whole. I care deeply for them and love them. I suffer from ocd, depression and anxiety which has been hard to deal with but I understand that BPD is a hard thing to learn how to deal with for both people in the relationship. I have known they have BPD for some time now but it didn’t get worse until lately, at first everything was amazing, “honeymoon period”, and lately they have been more distant but hasn’t ever really spoken up about why until now. They said they have no sense of identity and feel like they’re floating and not real, I somewhat understand as I too dissociate sometimes with my mental illnesses, but I know BPD is much more than that and it’s more constant. I will do everything I can to help them, and be here to support them, I know that’s important, even though I too am hurting right now. I hope when they learn how to deal with their BPD more, that we can work things out and get back together, as I love what we had and want to continue that.
They used to go to DBT which they did say helped but it was hard for them to get to being an hour away and I guess then having no motivation, so they stopped going.
They only see their psychiatrist every 3-6 months but I’m hoping they’ll be able to see them more often.
I’ve read up a lot about BPD but the only things I’ve found so far is helping get in touch with your senses, and meditating, I know they don’t like meditating but I’ll still suggest the idea, and suggest the senses idea as I feel like that’d hopefully help. I want to do anything I can to help them, and I know it’ll be hard but I’m willing to do anything. I don’t know a how lot on what to do to help and would love any advice
I feel so lost and empty and just wish they could see how amazing they are, and didn’t have to go through the feelings that come along with BPD, they said they regret what they did to me (breaking up) and feel guilt, but they feel like it’s what’s best for them right now. I told them although I’m hurting, I understand that they need to focus on their mental health and that I’m not leaving them, and I’ll be here for them. I initially said if we could just go on a break instead of breaking up, but I realise that’s selfish on my part because I want the relationship so badly, but they can’t maintain anything right now, hopefully it will all work out.
Thank you
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Rev
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2020, 08:10:24 AM »



I feel so lost and empty and just wish they could see how amazing they are, and didn’t have to go through the feelings that come along with BPD, they said they regret what they did to me (breaking up) and feel guilt, but they feel like it’s what’s best for them right now. I told them although I’m hurting, I understand that they need to focus on their mental health and that I’m not leaving them, and I’ll be here for them. I initially said if we could just go on a break instead of breaking up, but I realise that’s selfish on my part because I want the relationship so badly, but they can’t maintain anything right now, hopefully it will all work out.
Thank you


Hi Dogs,

And thank you for such a heartfelt first post.  Welcome to this community. I am sure that one of the ambassadors will reach out soon to introduce you to the wonderful resources here.  You will find lots of support and understanding here.

How are you coping with all the physical distancing going on right now?  Are you personally okay?

It sounds as if you have said all the right and supportive things.

Rev
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ilikedoggos

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2020, 07:34:36 PM »

Thank you rev, I appreciate the welcoming reply

Personally dealing with everything is hard right now, I know it wouldn’t help given my own mental illnesses, but I’m trying to look on the bright side. I have hope and that’s something I hold onto, I know my (I don’t know what people refer to BPD suffers on here) ex partner doesn’t really have hope as I know with BPD you don’t really feel like anything will ever get better, so I’m trying to be that person for them, trying to give them hope.

They said in DBT that they’ve learnt how to understand their feelings, and why they are there but they haven’t ever learnt how to cope with them. Which is why they’re struggling so much right now, they said everything they’ve tried in the past doesn’t work and they’ve been trying most of their life. I don’t know what they have and haven’t tried, so I’ll suggest any ideas to them. I’ve been trying to think with how I cope when I dissociate but realised I don’t even know what I do, I think part of me knows that it’ll surpass so that’s always in the back of my head. I get scared that I’ll be stuck like that, and if anything is even real, as it feels like you are in a dream, but I guess it hasn’t ever been that bad for me and as silly as it sounds I guess my OCD has helped, as all the impulsions I have, became the bigger thing and the dissociating soon went away.
But with them I feel like they’re in a constant state of feeling dissociation, I can’t imagine how hard that must be, and I hope to find ways that’ll help them cope
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2020, 02:20:05 AM »

hi ilikedoggos, i want to join Rev and say Welcome

are the two of you still in touch? how often? how are things going when you speak?

that will give us a good idea of how to progress from here.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
ilikedoggos

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2020, 03:54:18 AM »

Thanks,
We do still keep in touch and it’s actually going good, obviously it’s different as we aren’t talking romantically right now, but we’re still talking about things we usually do, day to day life/what’s going on at home and all that.
During the day replies range from 2 or more hours apart, it began to be 2 hours apart during the evening/night the past few months, as I know that’s what they do when they’re are dissociating or are busy (distractions), Now it’s usually more than 2 hours but I understand why, the first few days it was once or twice a day, but we’ve been talking more for the past 2 days. They don’t usually go to bed til 6-7 am and my sleep is bad also, so lately when I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, I’ll stay up and talk to them as that’s the time when they feel most alone and want to talk to someone, so replies are a lot quicker,
They don’t usually wake up til 4-5pm, it’s always been that way, they just have terrible sleep, other than when I visited them, sleeping was a lot better for the both of us
They also said I can message them whenever I want and they’ll reply to me when the feel able to
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2020, 01:13:42 AM »

so where are you trying to take things? do you want to move things into a more romantic category, stick with things as they are, do less of it all together?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
ilikedoggos

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2020, 01:44:23 AM »

Right now it wouldn’t be right for me to try and be all romantic as they said they don’t feel ready for a relationship, as they don’t don’t know how to be with someone when they don’t even have a sense of identity, it’s hard not talking how we used to, and i miss it, and what we had, but I’m hoping when things get better, we can go back to what we had together
I’m just trying to be supportive as I can be right now, they said they regret and feel guilt about breaking up with me but they feel a part of them feels it’s best for them right now, and it’s all very confusing.
It’s confusing for me too, we went from having something so good, and I didn’t see it coming. Although I understand their mental health is a priority, and I love them so I’ll do anything I can and make sure they know I’m here.
I told them I’d wait for as long as needed until they’re ready.
They really are such an amazing person, if we had conflicts sometimes that was hard on my part because it didn’t really get anywhere, but I made sure I wasn’t being invalidating, and I know from their perspective with BPD it can be hard, so I’d try and see their reasoning, and we always sorted it out.
I think the main thing right now for them is learning to cope, I can imagine it would be scary for them. They’ve been opening up to me the past 2 days, so I can understand more how they’re feeling, they just don’t know how to cope with those feelings
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