Grocery shopping-what does this mean

[juju2]

Am separated, we lived together for 11 years, separated for 2 1/2 years now, and we are seeing each other once a week, for 1 - 2 hours.

He is living w a female "roommate" who was his g/f...he says it's over, she is moving out; she has to get another job in a neighboring city, the c virus has put strains on those things.  She is buying a house there, her job can give her work there, she can transfer...

So him and I are talking strongly about the future, spending time, traveling.  He keeps saying, soon, very soon.  He wants us to be together.

Tonite, I felt a strange pull to go grocery  shopping.  I drive to the store, who is in the parking lot, waiting for his female roommate.?
I don't know if he saw my car, I just left, I didn't go in.

Driving home, I thought, I am a fool.

He is part of a couple.  They shop together.
He has been saying it's platonic.

I don't know.  I really don't.

I can't think of how what he is telling me ---would agree w what is visible.
He lives with another woman.  They grocery shop together. They live in the same house.

I would not be grocery shopping with my roommate.(if I had one)

This weekend is Easter.  I am going to be alone.  I have spent every holiday except thanksgiving alone. For Thanksgiving, he paid for her to get a rental car to see her family in the next city--her car won't make it--and so him and I spent thanksgiving together...he does tell me things...
He did the same thing for Christmas, except I was sick and couldn't meet him...

This all, all is juvenile.
I don't understand.

I just want to hide. 

He doesn't have my phone number or email.  I got new ph #, email, in october, felt it was one way to reclaim my life.  He would text me every other week, or month, hi, hope you are doing well.

Nothing but texts. Or emails.  It was as if those two things were replacing real life...

Also, he left 80% of his belongings at our home.   Tools, all kinds of valuable things...we separated, I had become so fed up and not in control of my mindset, thoughts.  I asked to live alone...
Then, 3 weeks later, I woo-ed him with expensive trips, 10 months of crazy making on my part, and he was remote. I realized I made a mistake and he could care less.  By then he was done.  Distant.  Nothing...it took me one year to recover from that craziness, and him 2 years to realize what he had with me.  2 long years.

So here we are 2 1/2 years later.

I see him, waiting in the grocery parking lot.

I need help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

and during our time living together he had emotional affairs.  I was already enmeshed by then, unhealthy.
I am in a 12 step for al anon. For co dependency.

It looks like he is in an emotional affair w me.

[juju2]

So I texted him about 45 text messages, vomiting up all the stuff I had stuffed for the last 5 years.

It seemed like the right thing to do.  He is in a program of accountability and he really got me.  He fooled me, lied to me, misled, cruel. 

I was a kind person to him.  I was kind too many times.   Too many times.

[once removed]

So I texted him about 45 text messages, vomiting up all the stuff I had stuffed for the last 5 years.

did he respond?

[juju2]

He did once.

One time.

He said please don't do this.  May I call you tomorrow.
He said we are going to be together, that is the plan, the virus is making things take longer.

I didn't stop.  I sent a bunch more from the text me app--It's not my real phone number.
Then I said I am cutting off the text me app. I uninstalled it.
He doesn't have my phone number or email.
I lost my complete cool.
It's ok.  Just one day earlier he is holding my hand and saying these wonderful things to me.

[juju2]

So after the texting madness.  I took ten of his paintings that are stacked in my living room, put them outside in the carport, covered up in a sheet.  I did install and text the text me app:
"Your paintings are in the carport.  Cover w a sheet.  You can get them tomorrow."

(Uninstalled text app.)

So this crazy making game of him saying wonderful things to me that have no foundation or no reality, this has gone on-off and on- for the last year. 
His things are at our home- I still live in.
I confided in my sister -which I rarely do- she has a way of making me wrong- anyway, my sister said, he is saying whatever he has to, he is getting free storage.
!

(That hurt my feelings.)  I had thought when she said that, wow, callous thought.
Really.?

At this point, I don't know anything.
I really don't.
I never knew him.
And here am i, I share with people here and I think I know a thing or two.

Nope.

[juju2]

I do know he is financially in a bad place. Finances elude him. I can see his diagnosis there.
So the part about him needing a roommate, I get it. And thought that is what it was.  He said it was a r/s, and then he said they broke up.  This was in November.  Then we kept meeting up.
In February he said she was moving, buying a house in the city she was from, 2 years ago, and her job will transfer her there.  Well then the c- virus.  He kept saying that everything is progressing, she is moving, and it will take longer, the job hasn't come thru yet - she will get it-- just taking longer...

Then Monday he came over, we meet outside our house we used to share, where I still live, and he was exceptionally sweet and kind, we held hands.  We took a long walk...then one day later. This.

I have a pattern of texting him too much, I used to, and it was embarrassing to me, that I was getting this way, all upset etc.
over what he would say, sweet things, and how it was in reality, I am alone. 
That's why he doesn't have my phone number or email.

There was nothing for him to text or email me, once every 2-4 weeks, hi, thinking about you, miss you.  (All we had was texting or email.)

I told him if you want to communicate w me, it will be in person only.
And that is how it has been now for 6 months.

It's the same as the texting.  Empty words.
Only now he says them in person.

I really didn't think he was that way.  All this time, everything.  I never knew him.
We did have Thanksgiving together.
We did actually do that in reality.
We were going to have Christmas.  Then I got sick.

So we have had weekly meet ups, and one real date. 

He had the emotional affairs.  Guess that is what him and I have now.?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Amback-

I am so so sorry... this hurts in the worst possible way.  The worst way.  We want to see the best.  We want to believe the words so badly.  And then we *see* something that makes us question every word.  You saw something in the grocery store parking lot that made you question every word he uttered during every meeting you had with him over the last year.

I don’t want to make you feel any worse than you already feel, but I need to ask...

Does his roommate know he meets up with you weekly?

How does his roommate have the funds to buy a house, yet needs him to pay for a car rental (in November 2019) for her to drive to see family?

Please don’t beat yourself up for sending your barrage of text messages.  In spite of the hard work you’ve been doing and the growth you’ve experienced, you were hit between the eyes with a VERY triggering sight.   As you admit, many of these thoughts were things that you’ve stored for years... feelings that probably needed an escape hatch. 

However I will state that I did periodically go grocery shopping with my roommates (long ago).  Coronavirus days are odd.  People are doing things they don’t normally do, especially considering the social isolation.

Perhaps try to close your eyes for a bit and see how you feel after some rest.  It’s so painful when we *think* we know someone and then suddenly come to feel that perhaps we’ve been gazing into the eyes of a “known” stranger.

Please take care of yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[juju2]

Hi gem.  Thank you for your kindness and understanding.
I don't know.if she knows.  I never asked him.
So she has a steady job in healthcare. He said she is buying a small one bedroom...he said she was excited to be moving, the place was cute...

He rented the car, I believe, so that she would be gone for Thanksgiving.  He does remodel work, and he often works holidays, so he probably said you might as well be with your family.  Not an outright lie.

I had given him an ultimatum that I wasn't going to see him again, wasn't going to keep any of his things, if one more holiday went by.  That was October.

So he must have concocted a way to have her go to her hometown, 2 hours away, so he could see me.  He has money, just not enough for everything he wants to do.
And then he did the same thing for Christmas.  So it cost 100. Each time. And he has free storage.  That is what it cost to keep up the free storage.
(and he has a storage unit, huge $225/month.
It's full.)


And so we have been seeing one another every week...so I really thought things were progressing.

I may have over reacted. 
I am at a loss. 
foolishness if this is all about him getting free storage...

I don't know what is real.

[juju2]

Hi everyone.

So I was upset that the way he handled the grocery store thing.
It was me being upset.
I texted 45 messages and spilled my guts.
The next morning he texted me, "sorry you are in pain.  nothing has changed between you and me.  My plan is for you and I to be together."

So he is living w another woman, now platonic, since November or sooner.  She is moving to another city, bought a house, is waiting on job transfer.  The virus has slowed everything down.
He says it's miserable at his house, he doesn't love her, he wants us to be able to be together when she leaves.

We meet every week.  Since the virus, we meet outside the home I live in, where we both lived together.

 Am thinking about asking him to meet me on neutral ground somewhere.

Am just going to say, let's meet at xyz coffee shop, we both enjoy their coffee.
(I feel like meeting at my house is crossing a boundary, especially after this last misunderstanding.
I feel like he is hot and cold, and isn't emotionally there for me.)

There is no reason for me to have him be at my house.  At this point.

He is showing me distance.  He shows this by being emotionally unavailable and by not contacting me...
I am basically alone, and I see no urgency.  From week to week.

How would I even know if something changed w him and his roommate.
I am in complete dark.
I see no reason to open myself up more than he is.

He acts like a stranger on the days we don't see one another, which is 6 days out of 7.
He is kind, friendly, glad to see me on the one day. 

Granted he does not have my phone number or email.  I changed both of those because I would text too much and get exasperated.  That was in November.
He does have my work number and my work email.  I have not emailed him in exasperation mode from work.  I can hold things together at work and work is all that saves me right now.

Any ideas around if I should move our meeting place are appreciated.

Thank you.

[juju2]

so this worked out.
he texted me on the texting app I have, about today.  Can we also meet tomorrow.?  because he said today would be a short meet up.

I said sure.  Sounds good.  Can we meet at xyz coffee, it works better for me...he said,
sure.

a small victory, important to me, regarding my boundary.