missgreengirl
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Together but complicated
Posts: 1
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« on: April 08, 2020, 12:18:18 PM » |
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Hi all. I apologize because this is very long. I'm feeling desperate.
My pwBPD and I were friends for a few years before anything happened. We often connected on similar (very) traumatic pasts, although I went to therapy to learn how to deal with my trauma and do not have BPD. He has gone on and off but the moment he was diagnosed with complex PTSD/DID/BPD he bounced from therapy because it scared him, and I think he is still in denial of his diagnosis. Feelings started to develop. He knew exactly how I wanted and needed to be loved, exactly which way to hold me, touch me, kiss me, look at me, all the right things to say. I fell in love very hard, and loving him felt like he was "hand-crafted", or "my soulmate" (typical BPD idealization story, right?). I was aware of BPD (in school for psych) and was arrogant enough to believe that I could help him while we nurtured a relationship. I had no idea what I was getting myself into though.
We began dating about 5 months ago. We only made things "official" a month ago, and it seems like since then things got crazy REALLY fast. He has to travel for work, and while on the road we had our first fight over something really stupid. Basically I didn't reply to a text fast enough...ended up being 4 hours of circular one-sided arguments and ended in me having an anxiety attack, and him ignoring me for two days. He said he just diassociated, and then acted like everything was back to normal.
Our fights increased from once a week to several times a week. Always over something very small/petty, and always my fault. He tried to leave me twice (in the span of 3 weeks) and both times I begged him back, told him we could work through it, etc. I have NEVER felt so irrational, so devastated. It was the worst possible pain I could fathom and literally felt unbearable. Prior to him actually trying to leave it would often make threats of it, tell me he wasn't sure of our relationship, etc. and then come back on his hands and knees basically begging me to forgive him and be patient with him because he was "trying to fight it so hard", or pretending like nothing happened. That push-pull everyone keeps talking about.
Fast forward another week, another huge fight. I triggered him again somehow, and by this time I felt mentally drained and shut down. I told him I wasn't comfortable coming over, and this caused yet another huge fight, the first one where he actually yelled at me on the phone. I felt completely rejected. He told me "he'd decide in the morning" if he wanted me to come over the next day.
Part of me felt like I should just tell him it was over but he's like a drug, and I went there with the intention of having a serious adult conversation over everything that had been happening over the past month. Because while he was able to just move past things as though they never happened, I was shocked and still unable to process the fights that we had a month ago, much less this week, or last, or last...
Anyway, we talk a lot. He tells me all the things I want to hear, about how he is working on things, how he is moving forward, he wants to go back to therapy, start taking better care of himself, etc. It is actually dangerous because he is extremely self-aware and knows a lot of terminology for mental health related things, and I feel like it's so much easier to manipulate someone, especially like me, in that way. He has extremely low empathy levels which is concerning to me, and also makes it difficult for me to be understood in any instance where I am telling him how I feel.
Nevertheless, after a few hours I felt better about things and wanted to understand him, although I was very cautious. I even mentioned to him that I did NOT want to keep having repeat cycles of fighting, followed by confusion, followed by incredible sex, followed by more confusion because he kept trying to mend our fights with sex (because I'll be honest, it's world-shattering).
More than anything I just wanted to feel loved again, because I had felt so discarded and he had made me feel like nothing I did was good enough, and I could never love enough or in the ways he wanted. I was so drained. We laid in bed and I couldnt' sleep. I wanted to hold his hand but he didn't want to touch me for a little while. He eventually turned over to hold me and it felt so good, for a moment. But then one thing lead to another and we started having sex. It was very weird because my body craved it and missed it, but my mind wasn't ready for that. I started having a panic attack about a minute in, and it was horrible. I was absolutely hysterical for probably 30 minutes and thought I might die. This is the first time I have had a panic attack that bad in many years.
This triggered him, because he described feeling intense guilt and shame. I barely had enough time to come down and catch my breath from my own panic before I was suddenly faced with helping him through his. It's like he turned into a child, crying wildly and apologizing over and over in a different voice, and it was so intense. I held him to try to get him to breathe and come down, and he went from hyperventilating to being extremely calm...to the point where I could hardly tell he was breathing. I ask him if he's okay, and he looks up at me very fast and is like, "Oh yeah, I'm fine!". Completely robot-like. Said he didn't remember what had just happened. Every movement from there on out was robotic. Even the way he walked...like a Sims character.
It's like I was holding one person, and then I looked down and it was someone else. I don't know how to describe that feeling other than genuine fear. I had no idea who he was then, and didn't know who I was dealing with. He started referring to himself as though he was two people, describing himself in the third person, like "Don't worry, he'll be back soon". I have never felt terrified of a person before that moment. He wasn't violent, but it's like I was looking into his eyes and I had no idea who was looking back at me. Even just typing this out makes me emotional because in that moment it's like I was staring into the eyes of a total stranger. I had to sleep there because I was afraid to drive in the condition I was in (sleep-deprived, erratic, scared) but it was highly uncomfortable. I feel traumatized.
I don't know how to make sense of anything right now and I don't know what to do. Despite everything that happened, I woke up this morning feeling IMMENSE emotional attachment to him, and a desire to just crawl into his arms and forget anything ever happened. It's like no matter what he does it's never bad enough for my mind to reject him, and I am even more terrified of not having him in my life. I've developed these intense psychological/trauma bonds and I don't know how to break them in order to protect myself and my own mental health. I feel so much guilt even at the thought of leaving him. I know I'm not responsible for his well-being, but I care so much for this person and am addicted to whatever crumbs of love he wants to feed me whenever he isn't raging at me over something petty.
TL;DR:
BF has BPD/DID, and experiences extreme mood swings and drastic personality switches when triggered. Inherently I know he is not good for me - even beyond BPD there are many red flags (convicted felon, violence towards others, possible comorbidity with antisocial PD). I feel so scared but also so alone and so attached to this person and I don't know how to let go. The guilt of that decision is brutal. Some days I literally feel like I'm losing my mind.
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