Girlfriend with BPD

[K909A]

Hello everyone I'm glad I found this forum. My girlfriend has BPD, we were best friends in high school but that was all, flash forward spring of last year (10 years after high school) we reconnected started hanging out a lot again, and began dating in late October.

Everything has been great, in my opinion, but recently she's been depressed and having very low self-esteem and motivation to do anything. It's especially hard for her during this whole quarantine situation as we can't hang out physically because I work at a job where I am potentially exposed to COVID-19 and she is a nurse for a disabled individual, requiring her to stay virus free.

But with the whole situation going on her job hours have been cut and spends a lot of time alone lost in her own thoughts. She started therapy again recently, but with the state of everything it hasn't been something consistent because of the whole quarantine thing. She sometimes skips it too.

The other night she tried to break up with me, saying dealing with her isn't something I deserve and that I'm a happy person and that I deserve to be with someone happy too. I told her that I am happy and that I want to help her through this. After some talking she decided she didn't want to split. The next morning I found this forum, I read some success stories and now I'm posting to said forum. Last night I told her I would be seeking to get a therapist as well, so I could learn techniques to help calm her down and learn to communicate with her better. I feel sometimes the things I say that I think would help, actually do the opposite and I think being able to talk to a professional about the situations we go through and how I can respond could help us through this.

I apologize for the long post, if there are any places you guys would recommend on this site for me to start really learning and understanding what she is going through so I could help support her through this would be amazing. I really love this girl and don't want to lose her because of BPD. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi K909A:
Sorry about the situation with your GF.  It's a challenging time for those who are on the emotionally healthy side, so I can understand how tough it likely is for those suffering with mental health issues.

She's been depressed and having very low self-esteem and motivation to do anything. 

  Is she taking any meds for depression (or has she in the past)? Does she have any hobbies or interest?  A pet?  Idle time tends to perpetuate depression.  Something to do, some accomplishment can make it better.

Have you tried connecting by some means of video chat.  Some people are having video dinner parties & video get togethers.  Others are virtually playing games together.

I told her I would be seeking to get a therapist as well, so I could learn techniques to help calm her down and learn to communicate with her better. I feel sometimes the things I say that I think would help, actually do the opposite and I think being able to talk to a professional about the situations we go through and how I can respond could help us through this.

It certainly can help to learn emotionally healthy communication techniques & strategy.  Studying many of the lessons here & discussing them (with specific examples) in therapy can help you apply them to your specific situation.

Although you can help make things better for her, she has to learn healthy ways to self-soothe and improve the moment for herself. 

if there are any places you guys would recommend on this site for me to start really learning and understanding what she is going through so I could help support her through this would be amazing.     

Go to the large green band, toward the top of the page.  There is a "Tools" menu there.  A good place to start is to learn about validation/don't invalidate.  Validation doesn't need to be about agreeing with someone, but about acknowledging her feelings.  More importantly, don't invalidate.  If you struggle to validate her feelings, that can be okay.  Just don't invalidate her or undermine her feelings. Sometimes staying silent might be the best choice.

Within the "Tools" menu, there is a link to the "Workshop" area.  Visit it & look around.  After validation/don't invalidate, take a look at the SET strategy (Support, Empathy & Truth).

[K909A]

Hi K909A:
Sorry about the situation with your GF.  It's a challenging time for those who are on the emotionally healthy side, so I can understand how tough it likely is for those suffering with mental health issues.
  Is she taking any meds for depression (or has she in the past)? Does she have any hobbies or interest?  A pet?  Idle time tends to perpetuate depression.  Something to do, some accomplishment can make it better.

Have you tried connecting by some means of video chat.  Some people are having video dinner parties & video get togethers.  Others are virtually playing games together.
 It certainly can help to learn emotionally healthy communication techniques & strategy.  Studying many of the lessons here & discussing them (with specific examples) in therapy can help you apply them to your specific situation.

Although you can help make things better for her, she has to learn healthy ways to self-soothe and improve the moment for herself. 
Go to the large green band, toward the top of the page.  There is a "Tools" menu there.  A good place to start is to learn about validation/don't invalidate.  Validation doesn't need to be about agreeing with someone, but about acknowledging her feelings.  More importantly, don't invalidate.  If you struggle to validate her feelings, that can be okay.  Just don't invalidate her or undermine her feelings. Sometimes staying silent might be the best choice.

Within the "Tools" menu, there is a link to the "Workshop" area.  Visit it & look around.  After validation/don't invalidate, take a look at the SET strategy (Support, Empathy & Truth).

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

First thank you for the reply, sorry for the late reply I was checking back on this post every day after I posted this and after a few days I kinda guessed no one was going to reply and I got slammed with a bunch of homework and work.

She did in the past I'm pretty positive, but right now her Psychiatrist has her on anti-psychotics at the moment.

Her hobbies are video games and she has a cat. I also got her a ukulele for Valentine's day that she's been picking up and learning a few times a week, but she finds it hard to even want to get out of bed sometimes. She's normally okay when she's busy but since her work cut her hours it's been really bad for her.

We talk on FaceTime all the time, except when I have work of course. We also play her favorite video game, Overwatch, at night after I've gotten all my work and homework done. It's hard for her being away from each other too, she says it's not the same as being able to talk to each other physically, I agree though.

I read the topic about validation and the SET strategy as well, I'll check out the other topics and the workshop area also. I think I'll need to read over the pages I've already read just to make sure I understand and really know what it's saying.

Thank you again for the help, I'm definitely going to be reading people's experiences on the forum and get a therapist I can talk to about everything. I'm glad there is a resource like this and I was able to find it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey K909A:
There is an "Additional Options" check-box to the lower left of a reply window or a thread origination window.  You will find an option there to activate an email alert, to keep you informed about replies to your thread. 

I read the topic about validation and the SET strategy as well, I'll check out the other topics and the workshop area also. I think I'll need to read over the pages I've already read just to make sure I understand and really know what it's saying.   

Within the thin, lighter green menu band (under the list of board staff members), you will find a link to "search threads".  It can help to look through some previous threads for examples of "validation" or "set".  Best to search through one board at a time i.e start out with the "Bettering Board", which is where your thread is located.  Be sure to adjust the date range.  You might want to start with one year's worth & go farther if needed. Use the "Search Threads" button at the lower bottom left of the page (not the internet search box at the top left)

Her hobbies are video games and she has a cat. I also got her a ukulele for Valentine's day that she's been picking up and learning a few times a week, but she finds it hard to even want to get out of bed sometimes. She's normally okay when she's busy but since her work cut her hours it's been really bad for her.   

Good to hear that she has a pet & is learning to play a ukulele. She could also find some informal online classes to get involved in or some additional hobbies.

It can be hard to NOT lay in bed, even for more mentally healthy people.  One approach is to convince her to pretend she has to be up at a reasonable target time, as if she were working (allowing for a good night's sleep). For most nights, best to follow a sleep schedule - to bed by a certain time & get up by a certain time (allowing for some late night game playing & video chat between the 2 of you).

It can help to make a schedule for the day, with target time periods to do certain things.  It can help to prompt her to set some goals & make some accomplishments during the day - even if only to get out of bed & accomplish one or two things.  Maybe you can prompt her to make a schedule & share it with you or maybe you share schedules.  Perhaps a target date to share a song she learned for her ukulele.

[K909A]

Hey K909A:
There is an "Additional Options" check-box to the lower left of a reply window or a thread origination window.  You will find an option there to activate an email alert, to keep you informed about replies to your thread. 
Within the thin, lighter green menu band (under the list of board staff members), you will find a link to "search threads".  It can help to look through some previous threads for examples of "validation" or "set".  Best to search through one board at a time i.e start out with the "Bettering Board", which is where your thread is located.  Be sure to adjust the date range.  You might want to start with one year's worth & go farther if needed. Use the "Search Threads" button at the lower bottom left of the page (not the internet search box at the top left)
Good to hear that she has a pet & is learning to play a ukulele. She could also find some informal online classes to get involved in or some additional hobbies.

It can be hard to NOT lay in bed, even for more mentally healthy people.  One approach is to convince her to pretend she has to be up at a reasonable target time, as if she were working (allowing for a good night's sleep). For most nights, best to follow a sleep schedule - to bed by a certain time & get up by a certain time (allowing for some late night game playing & video chat between the 2 of you).

It can help to make a schedule for the day, with target time periods to do certain things.  It can help to prompt her to set some goals & make some accomplishments during the day - even if only to get out of bed & accomplish one or two things.  Maybe you can prompt her to make a schedule & share it with you or maybe you share schedules.  Perhaps a target date to share a song she learned for her ukulele.

Awesome advice once again! Thank you so much! I'll be reading through the threads from the past year this weekend and try to set up schedules with my girlfriend, you've been very helpful and I can't thank you enough!