She has cut me off from communication, she has alienated me from my grandkids

[Peeps]

Hi just joining in. I have an adult child with bpd cluster type disorder.
Tho we typically get along I'm finding over the last year an escalation in cycle of behaviors, that feel abusive..
I'm crying all the time.
My health is being affected.
I want a place to share  & learn where I can feel supported.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hi Peeps

You write that you want a place to share and learn...where I can feel support.  Here is welcoming you to such a place.  This website abounds in information about BPD and how to better deal with someone who suffers from it.

I am sorry to read that you have gotten to the point where you are crying all the time.  For sure a change needs to come about and the best time to start is now.  You are just as important as your child and it is imperative that you find those tools to get yourself back on track.

Has your child been officially diagnosed as having BPD?  Has he/she been involved in counselling/therapy?  In asking these questions know that you can share as much or as little as you want.

Once again, welcoming you.   

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi Peeps 

I join Huat welcoming you, I'm glad you've reached out for support.

As Haut says this is a great place for learning and getting to a better place.

We've got you, you are not alone 

WDx

[Peeps]

 just a quick bit of background and to being this into current status. my grown daughter has been told she has borderline personality disorder. we have talked openly about this for a number of years. she is a survivor of child sexual abuse and was witness to domestic violence. we share an abuser who has been out of our lives for about 35 years. over the last year i note that her symptoms are less manageable & with her agreement came to love with her in order to help her reset her life. some of the agreements we made were for her to follow through with her therapies. this had not happened for months and while she did not set up ongoing appointments with her therapist she did get in to see a psychiatrist. it is my understanding from her that he took an intake meeting and described to her he recommended psycho therapy and medication therapies. My daughter identifies as PBD but i think she may not have a clear diagnosis. i feel she may have cluster issues. since last fall i have returned to my own home keeping daily contact with my daughter until recently. i set up new boundaries regarding her financial expectations from my own household. and how she can talk to me etc. it has gotten very bad and she has involved her 17 year son who also is now sending me angry letters. she is accusing me of being abusive when i have tried to set a boundary what and how she can talk to me because they were really very blaming and abusive herself.  when i told her i needed to see that she follow through with her therapies and be in care getting treatment my request is seen a abusive and manipulative and she claims her mental health issues are improved  and have no bearing on our current problems. that it is I who is the problem, and my treatment of hr is terrifying. I told her i was taking a break from fb one method we use to keep min touch. my email and text i kept open. i needed this 5 day break because she was harassing me with messages at how awful i had been to her and she wanted an apology. at this point she has cut me off from communication, she has alienated me from my grandkids which i've always had a close and loving relationship with. she is un-diagnosed, untreated and now in denial about her mental health. i need support and education from other parents who love a BPD adult child. please help.
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[Peeps]

hi Huat

thank you for responding. i am new to message boards so i may not be managing this correctly. i will keep working on improving my use of this space. in the meantime thank you. i am still very raw and my child is not responding to me. i have also been cut off from my grandchildren. i am in therapy and my therapist suggested i go to this site.  my daughter is not formally diagnosed but her therapist has told her she is BPD and perhaps cluster, she is un treated and now is in denial that her mental health is an issue in her ability to process and manage her relationship with me especially.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

I am glad you posted here as we can help you.  Many of the parents who post on this board are in similar situations and many have turned things around and improved their own lives.  I do not have a child with BPD but I did grow up with a mom with several traits of BPD.  Here we talk with each other and support each other and we also offer tools and strategies that may help in communicating with your daughter.   pwBPD (people with BPD) are usually highly sensitive and what may seem supportive to us can be felt as invalidating to the pwBPD.  So sometimes changing the way we talk with them can help.  The tools can also help you deal and cope with your own feelings and get a good handle on things like boundaries.

If you had to pick one area to work on to improve with your daughter, what would it be? 

I hope you dig in and read and settle in.  Feel free to jump into threads and respond to others as well even if it is only to say 'me too'.  We all need help and we work together here to help each other.

Again,

[Huat]

Hello again Peeps

Wow, what a troublesome, hurtful history you share with your daughter...both of you having suffered because of an abuser.  I am so, so sorry this happened to you...to your daughter.

There is no doubt, because of that treatment, many wounds were left behind.  I can only imagine how much you have put into healing your wounds.  I sincerely hope you give yourself loads of credit. 

Of course there has been the extra burden on you being the mother...she being the child...when the unthinkable was happening.  I would wager a guess that over the years you have also suffered from, and tried to fight off, guilt as you interacted with your daughter...maybe giving her more leeway because of the past?

There is so much written about the need for boundaries.  While some boundaries should be written in stone, there are others that could be re-negotiated.  Telling your daughter that, if you continue to help her, she needs to be pro-active in her therapy, does not sound to me like one that should be re-negotiated.

Then comes the subject of financial aid to her.  Your wallet is YOUR wallet.  Although your daughter has a hard time with life, she is an adult and you are not obligated to share with her what you own.

Abusive language...not acceptable.  I am in my senior years and when my daughter's abusive language towards me started to escalate I was warned that could well turn into physical abuse.   I had to set boundaries that were written in stone to protect myself.

I do know what it feels like to receive angry letters from a daughter.   I do know what it feels like to have my grandchildren used as pawns against me.   The word "hurtful" is an under-statement.  For so many years I became my daughter's  "victim".  Instead of holding my head up and guarding my dignity...believing in myself….I would absorb every word.  That had to change and I was the only one wanting/willing that to happen.

Peep, while both of us can be the targets of our daughters, I so realize that you have gone through so much more trauma in your life than I have in mine.   With that said, the job we both face is role-modelling to these troubled love ones who share our lives...the ones who tug at our mother-heart-strings.  We need to show them what it looks like to stand up to bullying.

I do hope you continue on here...pouring out your heart and your hurts as you put one foot in front of the other towards better tomorrows that you well deserve.  Know, though, that it will be babysteps...no magic turn-arounds.  You are a well-weathered-veteran having gone through what you have gone through. 

Not fair that some can sail through life while others find themselves swimming from one lifeboat to another...right?

Huat