Mother with BPD

[anna smith]

My mother has BPD and it has affected our relationship in a very negative way. no matter what I say or do, it can upset or trigger her without me trying to. She then see's me as hurting her on purpose when I had no idea what I was doing. she is constantly afraid of being alone, so much so that sometimes if we argue when I visit she will physically chase me to my car to try and prevent me from leaving. I say the smallest things and it causes her to get angry and say horrible things to me, then after she calms down she calls me crying and apologizing. she is just constantly up and down and i do not feel safe communicating with her because i don't know the right things to say. she thinks that i have anger issues and that im depressed but in reality i am extremely happy with the rest of my life, friends, and family. she is the only one that see's me that way because of how she treats me and how she acts when i try to be honest with her. just looking for any advice or thoughts of how i can get her to calm down once she starts to go into a full meltdown. when i say meltdown i mean screaming, crying, verbally abusing me, talking about suicide, and no matter what i say or if i apologize, it has no affect on her once she gets this way. thanks for any advice

[JNChell]

This is a very difficult situation and I’m sorry that you’re having to go through it. Has it been this way the whole time? Since childhood?

It sounds like setting some boundaries might help you. It’s hard to do, but once you experience the benefit of doing so, it can become easier.

It sounds like she makes you responsible for her feelings. Does that sound right?

[Methuen]

Sounds like you and I have the same mother.  This site, my T, and a ton of book-reading has helped me with my "BPD schooling" and provided me with some tools to navigate my relationship with my uBPD mom.  It can get better.  I am still learning and practicing.

just looking for any advice or thoughts of how i can get her to calm down once she starts to go into a full meltdown.

Have you tried SET yet?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.msg1399587#msg1399587


What I will say about this is that it works best if you can recognize that she has been emotionally triggered well before she goes into the "full" meltdown. 

Think of her emotion as a graph.  To start with, the line is fairly horizontal along the bottom of the graph.  But then suddenly something triggers her, and the curve turns upward into an exponential growth.  You want to use SET as near to the beginning of that exponential growth as possible.  Once the curve gets to the "peak" of the graph, the only thing likely to work is the S and E part of SET.  The T may return her emotions back to the growth phase if she isn't yet regulated enough by the sympathy and the empathy. Inotherwords, the earlier we can use SET (after the trigger), the better.  If ever in the process she seems to relapse, then go back to the beginning with sympathy.  Follow SET in order.  Don't proceed to empathy (E) until her emotions seem to be settling because she feels validated from Sympathy.  Don't proceed to (T) until her emotions seem to be settled from "E".  If she relapses, go back to the beginning, and start again.  On the other hand, if she is in a full-on meltdown, it might be too late in the "graph" for SET to work, and you may need to say something like "It looks like we are both upset, and need some time to get calm again.  I am going to go now, and we can talk again when we are both feeling better".  When that time comes, use SET.

when i say meltdown i mean screaming, crying, verbally abusing me, talking about suicide, and no matter what i say or if i apologize, it has no affect on her once she gets this way.

It's probably best not to apologise unless you truly have done something wrong.  If you apologize for the sake of getting her to calm down, you may be validating the things she is accusing you of, or the justness of her behavior, which may not be valid.  Does that make sense?  It's better to use SET, or ask validating questions, or if she is in a full-on abusive meltdown, leave the situation calmly.