Feeling Overwhelmed

[Frannie Fay]

Hello Friends,

I'm Frannie, I'm in a relationship (7 years) with my partner who I believe has BPD. I'm not a therapist. He displays all of the traits and he even told me that he had BPD though he was never officially diagnosed. He doesn't work, we live off my income mostly, I'm on a disability pension, it's not much, but we do get by okay though I rely on credit cards a lot of the time. I'd say 75% of the time, we are okay. But that 25% of the time is overwhelming emotionally for me. I'm 52 and he's 32. We met online and fell in love despite the age difference. The first 8 months or so were great and I fell hard, then he gradually started to show that dark side of himself. I was always forgiving and I think that I enabled his behaviour to the point where I feel a little trapped.

I've been reading up on BPD and how to try de-escalating the situations when they arise, but I get so blind-sided and surprised when the accusations and anger start that I immediately feel judged unfairly and I go into defense mode. I can't figure out how to NOT do this because it clearly ALWAYS makes my husband's anger increase, he starts to swear, yell, make fun of me and insult me. Then he retreats, he walks away in anger and ignores me for hours and sometimes days.

I'm not perfect, I'm a sensitive lady. It hurts so much when he does that. He'll make a crazy accusation and if I try to calmly tell him he's wrong, he'll start saying how he hates the way I'm treating him, I'm mistreating him, I'm bullying him, I'm abusing him...then he'll psyco-analyze me in a mocking way and tell me what I'm thinking and what my motivation is behind every word I say. Gawd forbid I tell him that he can't possibly know what I'm thinking. Then the word game starts, I feel as though he tries to confuse me by going on tangents, if I can't quote him PERFECTLY then I'm being manipulative and purposely trying to "shift the blame" onto him. At that point, I'm completely confused and I just give in and fake apologize, just for my own relief from the emotional beating. I feel as though when he's managed to beat me down emotionally and I submit, then he calms down. But I'm damaged from it and I told him one time and he just told me sarcastically "that's your issue."

It's exhausting and devastating to be treated this way and I feel like I'm always on my guard, not knowing if one day I'll have Dr. Jeckyll or the other day I'll have Mr. Hyde. I'm trying my best to understand what he's going through, but at the same time I feel abused.

When he retreats, he neglects all of his (very few) responsibilities, like doing dishes or taking the dogs out before bed. He rarely does anything else to help around the house and normally I don't mind, I do like to be a homemaker, but when he piles anger and neglect on top of all that, I just resent him so much.

Because of the 75% of the time when he's amazing and sweet, I don't want to give up on him. He always comes to me lovingly after his tantrums and apologizes and says I mean the world to him. I actually feel guilty about considering leaving him...I feel like I've turned into a weak and insecure little girl but when I met him 7 years ago, I was happy, debt-free, strong and independent. My health is suffering, I'm starting to feel anxiety daily. Since living with him, I've racked up 16k in credit card debt, and that was from times when my pension couldn't meet our living needs. I've never been able to catch up.

Nobody in my circle of friends knows about this and I don't want to talk to them, so I'm here.

My lifelong dream came true last month. Despite my credit card debt, I got approved for a small mortgage and I bought a house! I have been saving meticulously for years for a down payment and I finally realized this dream!  It's about 1500 miles away from where we are currently renting. It's definitely a fixer upper and he keeps running it down, calling it a "dump". I have tears in my eyes just thinking about how negative he's being. We are both supposed to move there in May. He doesn't drive so I have to do all the driving (we're renting a moving van). Part of me wants to leave him behind. He's making so many demands on me with regards to the house...it's not even his money or his house! For the longest time I tried my best to treat him like an equal partner, I even considered putting him on the deed, but with the way he keeps calling our new home (or my new home) a "dump", I don't feel that he's being an equal parter...and just the fact that he contributes so little both money-wise and with the running of the household. He wants me to spend $3000 on the basement of the new house so he has a private studio. When I showed a little resistance to that idea of doing it immediately (we don't even have appliances and I feel that's a priority), he flew off the handle and suddenly I was mistreating him again. This happened last night, I even opened the budget to show him it wouldn't be possible and he stormed out of the bedroom and ignored me all night.

I need some help and honestly, there isn't much around here in the way of free therapy. I'm so overwhelmed I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Thanks and sorry for the long post,
Frannie

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[juju2]

Hi Frankie.

congratulations on your new home!

you are strong, you will make it.

We are currently separated, he is 2 years older than me, I work a regular job and he is self employed.  Total time including this 2.5 years separation is 13 years.  He shared he has bpd before our first date.

So 5 years ago I got approved for a home.
It was a miracle.  He was not at all thrilled, wet blanket, and it was a huge struggle listening to his negativity, each and every, and nothing was good.  I see now it was just the changes.
We went from renting, where he was on the lease, to me owning our place...
I guess his abandonment issues were triggered.
Somehow I didn't listen to him, bought the home, we moved in, he basically worked on the home for a year and he had to have surgery.  So for one year I supported everything.

He did come around to grudgingly liking the place.  So that was 5 years ago.
Some things he wanted, a studio, we couldn't afford.  I still don't have a studio for him.

At any rate, I heard all of his complaints.
How bad, awful.
There was really nothing to say.
I said "you might be right."
That's it.  I guess it was traumatic to go thru, such a huge wonderful happy thing and he is being hateful...
It's his choice.

You keep on keeping on.!

[DiscoDave]

Hi Frannie,

What a heart-breaking story. I know how much you might like to think you are equals in this relationship, the reality is you are most certainly not. You are clearly taking on far more of the responsibility and all of the financial arrangements, you are not his mother! He doesn't have job, doesn't drive, can't contribute financially, even has the audacity to moan about the house you are buying to house both of you, then complains like a spoilt child when he can't have the expensive toys!

BPD or no BPD you should not tolerate this sort of behaviour from a grown adult. I'd rather tolerate a life-time of loneliness than continue to provide for such ungrateful behaviour. You sound to me like a good person and someone who deserves far better.
Unfortunately there are some people out there who seek out and take advantage of other peoples good nature.

[Face of Melinda]

Hi Frannie,

I really related to the part where you're so happy about something you've accomplished and he invalidates it. Some of my worst memories over the past years was when I arranged something celebratory for an achievement and my spouse sabotaged it with a tantrum about some unrelated thing. Now that I've read about projection perhaps he was feeling envious and insecure... I always tried not to let him steal my sunshine but I'm thinking now... Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the good things there are to enjoy in life without someone bringing me down? Congratulations on your home! It's a big deal on a fixed pension. It's yours!

[Frannie Fay]

So 5 years ago I got approved for a home.
It was a miracle. 

Thanks so much Amback  I think it's great that you got approved for a home, and I share your sentiment that it feels like a miracle. I feel so blessed that I was approved for a mortgage, found my home and bought it. Now I just have to concentrate on moving there. He is so moody, one day "it's going to be a fun adventure moving to our new home", the next day "there's too much work to do in that dump"...I'm trying to ignore his childish tantrums, but they hit me in the heart.

At any rate, I heard all of his complaints.
How bad, awful.
There was really nothing to say.
I said "you might be right."

I like your idea of "you might be right". I think I'll just do that from now on. Maybe it'll help me from feeling so hurt by his complaints and words. I sometimes think he's jealous of my success. I actually said to him the other day after one of his meltdowns "Well, nobody has a gun to your head, if you're going to be that miserable, why don't you stay here?". He suddenly got all affectionate and loving, saying he was sorry for complaining, that he loved me and never wanted to be without me. It worked, but my gosh I felt manipulative.

[Frannie Fay]

I know how much you might like to think you are equals in this relationship, the reality is you are most certainly not. You are clearly taking on far more of the responsibility and all of the financial arrangements, you are not his mother!

BPD or no BPD you should not tolerate this sort of behaviour from a grown adult.

Thanks so much for your reply DiscoDave I think that part of me wants so bad to have an equal partner that I have blinders on sometimes. I know deep down that we are not equal partners, and never will be. He keeps saying I don't treat him as an equal, but how do I say "well, you're not" in a nice way to someone like that? I feel like I've been conditioned to shut my mouth and take it because I'm so afraid of the emotional pain that the eventual conflict will cause.

He really feels as though he is entitled to be my equal simply because we live together. He was brought up very spoiled in a rich family and I think that's where the entitlement came from. 

I sometimes feel like his mother, and it makes me so uncomfortable. I have to keep asking him to do what he says he'll do, then he calls me a nag. I feel like he keeps setting me up and I keep falling for it. Worse, he has mother-issues, he hates his mother, saying she was so controlling. And he often calls me controlling. I will admit that I do have those tendencies. But I also feel like, if I don't take charge, he won't so I need to be in control of the house, the finances, the shopping and the pets.

I think he's getting worse now because he realizes that once we move, he's stuck. We're moving to a very rural area in a new place...he can't drive away, he doesn't have his studio, he'll have nowhere to hide from me and he'll have to confront situations instead of running away from them. I think he also realizes that once we move, it's MY house. I have a feeling that his attempts to sabotage my happiness won't bother me as much because I'll be busy working on fixing the place up. I also feel like I need this change/shift to keep my boundaries strong.

At this point we are in a good cycle, so I wonder when he'll start his tantrums again...and you're right, I shouldn't tolerate this behaviour from any adult. This isn't an excuse, but I do feel like he never really matured past his teenage years.

[Frannie Fay]

Now that I've read about projection perhaps he was feeling envious and insecure... I always tried not to let him steal my sunshine but I'm thinking now... Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the good things there are to enjoy in life without someone bringing me down?

Thank you Face of Melinda You know...I have a blog, though I don't have many followers, I have some who have been with me for many years who I've become friends with. They have been following my home-buying dream since the get-go. They have been SO supportive and I am validated by them without any second thought. I often think, how nice would it be if my husband could do the same. But he confuses me. One day he's so proud of me that I bought the house, the next it's a dump and he won't be happy there. The up and down is the most confusing.

I had to look up "projection"...very interesting. He's calling the place a dump and complaining that I won't be able to fix him up a nice studio...probably because he knows he either can't or won't do the work necessary. I know he feels VERY insecure about that. We used to watch home renovation shows and he would always say that he was incapable of doing things like that on his own. I think he thinks it makes him less of a man and that I think that of him.

It just seems to me that all he has to say is "Frannie, I don't think I can do all of those renovations" instead of the twisted crazy projection...

Thanks, you've opened up my mind a little bit. Maybe I need to take control even more and learn how to do all of these things on my own. For a while there, I THOUGHT he wanted the roll of handyman/fixer-upper...but maybe it's just too scary for him. I feel sometimes like the "traditional" roles of a couple are reversed with us, which I don't mind at all. I don't think he knows which role he wants to play though, so to speak. He keeps switching from wanting to take charge, to projecting that he can't I guess. It's mind boggling to me that nothing can be CLEAR. It all has to be mind games.

[juju2]

wow, your story resonates with me.

So much.

He disliked the neighborhood. ( it was a steal of a price --one of the best neighborhoods in our city)

Looking back on that time, it was a miracle I withstood the constant onslaught.
And it showed me how contrarian the disorder he has, is...

what in the world made him so hateful really, around a wonderful miracle...


scary.

I think it is difficult to be happy for someone else. And with bpd, just about impossible...its a constant threat to him...  Not realizing the goodness will be theirs also...

[Frannie Fay]

what in the world made him so hateful really, around a wonderful miracle...

Hi Amback, this quote says it all and I'm completely bewildered by it. Owning (or having a mortgage) a new home IS a miracle. It's one of the best things that could happen to a person and he's finding ways to hate it.

He's totally benefiting from my buying a house, so I don't know what makes him so hateful either. He has no gratitude in him.

I got a steal of a price on my home too. It's a fixer upper on an acre of land. It's in a really quiet rural area, but without mentioning anything, there is a race/language pocket of people there who my biggot husband hates. Well, he hates everyone. So he keeps complaining about this particular race/language. It's on a quiet little lane, there are 6 houses, and mine is the only one full time. The rest are summer cottages. We never have to interact with anyone, yet he found a way to hate it from the beginning.

Did yours ever threaten? Like, my husband keeps saying things like "If one of those xxx neighbours comes anywhere near the house I'll tell them to eff off." He's making enemies before we even get there.

Now he's telling me I'm too weak to lift heavy items (his items) and that "we'll have to leave ALL of my things behind because you are too weak to lift them."

Trying to guilt me. I ordered shoulder straps so that I could lift heavy things. I've started weight training so that I'll be in good shape for the move. But he keeps saying over and over how "weak" I am. I offered about 4 different solutions to move the heavy items, including ramps, straps, dragging them, hiring a person to help for an hour..."that won't work" is what he replied over and over. I think he WANTS me to be too weak to lift his heavy stuff so that he can have a real reason to be miserable for the rest of his time with me.

[juju2]

Not so much threaten, just constant concern about everything w the house...
I guess if I could have been stronger and just left him to his issues.
So much of what happens isn't about me and there is nothing for me to fix or change.

Good job on getting yourself ready and able!

I guess these pitfalls tell me to get and keep my support people. And this site.

I need support.

[Frannie Fay]

I need support.

I need support too. Like you, I realize that none of his issues concern me personally but he makes it SO personal, like he's trying to shift his pain onto me to feel better. I had a big talk with him last night, I felt like a parent talking to her child. I told him that if he continued his negativity, I would move to the house without him. At first he smirked, but I held my ground. I told him I was serious and I told him my exact plan (because I really had thought it out). I told him I would move with the dogs, and he could stay behind. I would spend the summer putting in my garden, getting my chickens, fixing up what I thought the house needed before winter, then in the fall I would drive back to get him. As I said it I felt a kind of relieving peace of mind. I kind of want to do that and decide in the fall if I'm coming back to get him or not. He kind of panicked and we had a nice affectionate night. I hate that his affection stems on being afraid I'll leave him. But that's my reality right now.

[once removed]

this may not be clear or obvious...

when he complains about the house, calls it a dump. when he then asks for a private studio and freaks out when you push back and he says the hell with it all.

this is his inadequate way of communicating that he feels inferior in this relationship, and that he wants to be an equal partner (he knows he isnt, and he can feel that), that he wants it to be a house for both of you, not your house that hes invited or not invited to.

he has a hell of a way of showing it, i know. you love a difficult partner.

he wants a say, a piece, a buy in.

it doesnt have to be a private studio. you could probably achieve a great deal by just including him in the designs, the decorating, the planning.

[Frannie Fay]

this is his inadequate way of communicating that he feels inferior in this relationship

Thanks for the reply. I totally agree with you and I've discussed this with him. When we first got together, he had a job. After we moved in together, we shared the expenses, we shared the housework, we made decisions together, shared all of the responsibilities; then a few months later, he got fired for insubordination and never found a new job. He stopped even taking care of his own two cats and doing housework. He just went to his office and stayed there 12 hours a day, playing on the internet and I had to take care of the entire household and HIS pets. I tried to be understanding, thinking he was depressed from losing his job, but as time went by I found out that he never kept a job more than a few months, then went on welfare. I often complained about his lack of participation in the relationship, but he refused to help and I guess that, along with his verbal/emotional abuse, pushed me into complacency. We WERE equals at one point, but he just stopped caring I guess. I think that if he feels inferior, he needs to step up because I've done SO much to reassure him.

I tried my best to include him in the entire home buying process, but he doesn't want to get involved.

I told him I wanted to put him on the deed to the house and he refused, said he didn't want that responsibility. I've asked him to participate in the whole process, from getting the mortgage approved, to dealing with the realtor, and then dealing with the lawyers at closing. He said it's too stressful. I had to arrange for a plumber and electrician to come into the house before we move in and I asked if he could take care of that and he said he didn't want to, it was like pulling teeth to get him to take care of it. He did eventually take care of it, but with lots of reluctance. Last year he said I could use the money on his credit card to help pay for the down payment, but that I'd have to pay him back with interest. Keep in mind I pay for all of the bills, the food, the pets, the car etc...and he had the nerve to say I had to pay back his credit card with interest. I asked him why he wanted me to pay it back, he said because he couldn't, he didn't have enough income. I said I'd help him pay it back, he insisted I pay it all back with interest. This really hurt me so I told him when he initially offered the money, I thought that was his way of being an equal partner in the home, that was his contribution. He said he only offered it so I'd stop "b*tching" about money. I never used it.

As for his studio, he is the one who is supposed to design the whole thing. We both agreed that he could have the entire basement and he was happy with that. But if it's not done immediately he has a tantrum. I truly believe that having appliances is a priority and so did he at one point! We even sat down together a month ago and made a priority list together and he knows that the appliances and a fence for the dogs is higher up than his studio - he agreed to it already. In the meantime I offered him the extra bedroom that we agreed would be my studio. I told him he could have that and I'd be okay in the living room until we got everything put together. He refused, saying I should have my own space.

All of this was extremely stressful on me too but I feel like I had to do it all alone, even though I asked for help. There were many instances where the stress got to me (especially trying to close the deal during the covid crisis) and I would go to him crying, asking him to just hug me and comfort me. He would yell at me and tell me I was weak. This made me NOT want to come to him, he didn't make me feel safe or loved, so when he does that it's hard for me to want to keep including him, but I still try to no avail.

At some point I decided to step up and take charge because he was bringing me down with him. If I didn't do dishes, they would stay dirty. If I didn't walk the dogs and feed them, there would be poop in the house and they'd go hungry. If I didn't pay the bills, they would be in arrears...it became so frustrating and I stopped relying on him for anything.

So, though I totally agree with you Once Removed, I don't know how much more I can ask him to participate when he refuses to. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

[once removed]

If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

it could be that this runs deeper than the house. deep when it comes to him as a person, and his struggles, and deep when it comes to the relationship as a whole.

what do you think?

[Frannie Fay]

it could be that this runs deeper than the house. deep when it comes to him as a person, and his struggles, and deep when it comes to the relationship as a whole.

what do you think?

It's definitely possible. But if he doesn't communicate this to me , how am I supposed to know? One can only guess so long. Maybe he doesn't know himself, that's something I've been trying to tell myself...be patient with him, be compassionate, be sweet and supportive. Be the strong one...

You know, I came to this forum because I was so upset, so hurt. But I still love him and I was trying to understand him. Maybe I just don't understand BPD. Most of the time I want to understand, to help, to listen to be there for him...but honestly I'm at my wits end.  He refuses to go to therapy, even refuses to go to a doctor to see if he ACTUALLY has a mental health disorder. I tried to tell him it's no big deal, I did it many years ago when I burned out and it actually helps.

If he didn't hurt me the way he does, I'd probably be more willing to stick by him...I feel like giving up tonight.

This is what happened tonight and I'm NOT leaning this towards my side at all. I feel like he's abusing me. I can't stand it anymore.

Me: "I'm having such a great day today! I love listening to the 80's music, it really brings me back" (note: I was born in 1968) (note: I was cooking and baking all day)

Him: "It's all crap."

Me: "No, I really love this music, it makes me feel good, it's feel-good music."

Him: "That's what they say about every generation. It's all crap. You just think it's feel-good music because that's what the radio tells you what to think. It's the same today, people listen to I-Tunes and they tell them what's good music and what's bad music. Like rap and hiphop (note: he's a biggot)...all rap music is sh*t." (I'll omit what he said about African-Americans).

Me: "Oh come on, I'm not that stupid. I don't decide what music I like based on the top 40. Not all rap is crap, I used to love Run DMC, I went to see them at x-venue, it was a lot of fun. But back in the 80's, at least in my experience, you had to look underground to find hiphop, it wasn't main stream at all."

Him getting more and more angry, raising his voice, swearing: "Are you effing dumb? Run-DMC wasn't hip hop (him laughing) Of course you had to look underground, it's the same today, if you don't go to different web sites, you can't find hip hop. You think just because you lived in the 80's, you know best." (add a few swear words in there and lots of anger). (Note he was born in 1988).

Me" (starting to get scared and voice trembling, and I said this meekly): "I'm just talking from my experience. I know that hiphop is mainstream now, and I don't need to have an I-Tunes account for that. Please don't tell me that my experience is wrong. I lived in the 80's. We didn't have the internet, we listened to the radio. If it wasn't on the radio, it wasn't something we were aware of."

Then he went on and on about how I was so effing stupid and all I needed to do was to go to record stores to find out about hiphop...and how I was just a result of AM radio and how I was too stupid to look elsewhere for music.

WHAT? A simple comment about 80's music led to this?

- HONESTLY...at this point, I felt like I'd just been punched in the face. I was silent and tears were pouring out of my eyes.

Him: "Just remember you effing b**ch, just because you're older then me, doesn't mean you know best. I KNOW what went on in the 80's and you are just trying to treat me like sh*t again."

Me: "Can we just forget this? I just want to have dinner." (I spent the day making chocolate chip cookies, pizza dough and sauce because he woke up in a sad mood, and I told him I'd make him comfort food.)

He walked away, slammed doors, called me the worst names possible then yelled "Once again, you're treating me like sh*t, you can't accept that you were wrong, that maybe you overlooked something from your childhood and you're trying to just brush everything you just said under the rug by insisting we eat dinner together."

Note: I had a work burnout 10 years ago. One of the side effects of the burnout was short term memory loss and I shared that with him when we met. He's a master of throwing things back in my face.

Him (as he walked away): "As you cry your eyes out, remember this, don't let your sh**ty memory of the 80's make you feel superior to me you effing b**ch." Door slammed. Another dinner ruined. More internal scars and more pain for me. What did I do wrong? I have NEVER used our age difference against him...but he continually does.

How can I even empathize with this? He came downstairs 10 minutes later saying that he felt terrible, he was wrong, he shouldn't have talked to me this way, that he would understand if I moved alone. He even went on to tell me that he will be fine, he will stay in the rental until the end of the summer, then he'll move away on his own. He demanded that I tell him IMMEDIATELY if I was going to break up with him or not. He said "Make the right decision then tell me." And he walked away.

Now he's taking all of his clothes out of the bedroom closet, as though I'm about to leave him...it's so hurtful. He creates so much pain then demands forgiveness immediately. If he doesn't get it, he blows the situation out of proportion. Most times I overlook it, but I just can't anymore.

How does a person live like this? (I'm crying as I type this)...it just feels like I've been emotionally smacked around. I am actually considering moving without him now.

Sorry I went on a tangent there...it's such a roller coaster and it's depressing me...causing me so much pain and anxiety. I just want him to be my loving, considerate partner, but I guess that'll never happen.

[once removed]

it's such a roller coaster and it's depressing me...causing me so much pain and anxiety. I just want him to be my loving, considerate partner, but I guess that'll never happen.

i can imagine. hes a pain!

But if he doesn't communicate this to me , how am I supposed to know? One can only guess so long.

people with bpd traits struggle mightily to communicate their insecurities (which predominate) and use dysfunctional and/or cryptic ways of doing so.

being "the strong one" does involve a lot of reading between the lines, when, at times, you just want to cry. it is possible to do. its frankly a lot easier to do when you arent in it. but its a challenge that will almost certainly always face your relationship, a role that if you are to save this, must be embraced (though you are under no obligation to do so).

there are a number of things that jump out at me here:

1. it does sound like you are dealing with a person who may be experiencing depression, along with self loathing.

2. he is testing you.

3. your moving houses has a lot to do with this, especially recent outbursts, but i suspect it stems further back than that.

when youre an insecure man who feels like a failure, being with a woman who has things on the ball is a bad place to be. you get down on yourself. you think less of yourself. and you assume that she does the same, toward you. and you assume she will leave you over it. you view her success as a threat, or confirmation of that. surely youve heard of, for example, guys that arent the primary breadwinner in a home, and are super insecure about it.

make you feel superior to me you effing b**ch.

I have NEVER used our age difference against him...but he continually does.

maybe one way of coping with that is to bring her down to your level. if you can hurt her with words, it shows she still cares. it shows shes still attached. it tells you what you do or dont do matters.

ive seen a lot of guys who feel that way in their relationship (been there myself) and try this "love me or leave me/try to force her hand" approach, and that really tells you everything. he is deeply insecure in the way things are.

what can you do about it, generally?

you arent doing much wrong. youre trying to include him (thats frankly one of the strongest cards you can play).

you are reasonably stating when his actions or words hurt and asking him to stop.

keep doing those things.

but think even more globally.

the first thing to know is that somewhere along the line, you are giving him a reaction that actually reassures him.

as i said, if youre hurt, it tells him you care. and that may be a level of comfort hes seeking.

rethink your responses when he hurts you the most. im being deliberately vague when i say that, for a few reasons: in your words, you are being pretty reasonable and not escalating. thats a good strategy.

another reason is that you dont want to be cold and detached, you want to set boundaries, and say (and more importantly, act) "i wont accept this". when that happens, you can often expect a hard push back to test your attachment and commitment. change in a partner is scary to anyone, more so to someone with bpd traits, and if we become less reactive too quickly, our partners tend to cope by seeking reassurance by way of getting us to react.

its a fine line to walk, but it may be that revealing your hurt may be encouraging to him, when "just rolling with it" may deescalate things. i say that as a highly sensitive person who can either be over reactive or under reactive when im hurt, and often wish id been pithy or witty instead.

you may also be in a phase of adjustment, and need to keep doing what youre doing. its honestly hard to say.

How can I even empathize with this?

he is telling you everything in his outbursts. you dont have to mention an age difference. it is obvious that it weighs on him.

consider, and i mean really consider, whether you are doing anything to reinforce his feelings. it doesnt have to be right or wrong of you to be generally doing better than he is. it doesnt have to be right or wrong for you to move to a new home. it doesnt have to be right or wrong for you to be older than he is.

consider that most people would be insecure in that position. consider that it doesnt mean its wrong for you to be in that position. but understanding a person in the other position can help inform you going forward.

if you do judge him, at all, i promise you he can feel it. if you are considering leaving him over how difficult he is, i promise you, he can feel it.