Looking for encouragement - first post

[Rangefinder]

I’ve been married for decades and never realized what the issue was. Rather thought it was me.  I’ve spent 5 years in recovery from codependency.  I am just now beginning to understand the enormity of the problem and am struggling about why I wasn’t told about this a long time ago.  I am also struggling with the thought of the fallout of rearranging my life in order to deal with chaos.  Would appreciate any encouragement or advice.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hopeandbelief]

Hey rangefinder, welcome to the board! I'm quite new here and I'm sorry to hear you're going through some tough times with a BPD partner. You're obviously not the problem, but as I read a lot about the disorder, codependents and BPD attract each other so I'm glad you got treated about it. Can you share a bit more about this long process you went through? I think I also have codependents traits and I wish to work on those as soon as I can.

I'm far from being an expert on BPD but you should get a lot of excellent material here on this site and some other really good references. Learn everything you can to deal with your relationship, and I truly hope you and your partner can find happiness togehter. You two are together for decades so I'm sure you'rea already doing a lot of things the right way! Keep reading and learning and I hope everything turns out ok!

[Meridius]

Hi Rangefinder,

Welcome to the site.  I'm sure you'll find a lot of support and resources here.

It would help if you described what kind of behaviours your partner does.  How long have you been together?  When did it all start?  It would assist with recommending what other tools for your next steps. 

We're not here to tell you whether to stay or leave your partner.  That's a personal decision.  But there's lot of other people's stories to read and hold your stories up against to get some perspective.

Go easy on yourself with the the co-dependency label.  It's very easily bandied around.  There's fine line between support and co-dependency. 

M

[Rangefinder]

Hopeandbelief

A little over 5 years ago I was told by a close friend in the mental health business that I was codependent and that I needed to go to Celebrate Recovery, a strong faith based 12 step program similar to AA but includes any struggle together.  The idea is that all struggles (including codependency) have a common cause.  I spent three years in that program including studying then leading the 12 steps.  I also attended a CODA (codependents anonymous) for a short time.  Our group converted to   Re:generation about 2 years ago.  I, again went through a 12 step study process and am currently leading a group of men in that process.  I would recommend any of these.  As you my see I have a pretty firm grip on my codependency.  My next step is to figure out how to deal with my partners BPD.  If you say it is not my problem it is half right but the part that is mine is on the mend. 

[Rev]

Have you read or listened to "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?

You can find it free on YouTube.

Happy Easter.

May resurrection find it's way into your path forward.

Rev

[Rangefinder]

Meridius

My partner exhibits all behaviors except rage and abuse (fortunately).   We have been together for 6 decades.  With what I now know (from “Stop Walking On Eggshells”) it has always been present.  Control has always been a major issue.  That is what other people see most.  It has been a gradual increase with the last 10 years being the worst.  When I started in 12 step recovery things took a big jump.  Of course... I’m not so easy to push around.  Our relationship has turned into not much more than just conflict.

[Rev]

Just checking in on something.

If you have been together for 60 years, I would imagine that you are, as they say, of a certain age?

Have you considered that there may be other cognitive issues that are degenerative?

Just a thought.

Rev