New to site and feeling guilty that I protect myself from adult sib

[plumeria]

Hello, community of BPDFamily members. I hope to stop feeling guilty about removing myself from sisterly stress, but the guilt itself comes with stress! My sister's behavior has been puzzling and stressful for decades. Years ago I purchased Stop Walking on Eggshells, and now am reading it again with a new mindset. I hope to feel less guilty about having removed myself from all-but-necessary contacts with my only sib, who lives in another state. I honestly don't know what action I should take, since anything I do or say is twisted or taken negatively either at the time or later on.
I haven't told her why I haven't communicated for about eight months, but one day when our mother dies, I'll need to contact her. Our mother is almost 100 years old.
My BP isn't diagnosed: she and her husband don't believe strong and purposeful people need help with mental health. I don't know if she's been suicidal, promiscuous or a risky driver. I do know that she's had many episodes of excessive shopping and collecting. As a child, she had world-class tantrums our parents were unequipped to respond to. The phrase Walking on Eggshells would describe our entire household most days, and I retreated to reading books outside on the shoulder of the fireplace chimney. Her seething anger directed at myself, my mother (never father), and other consistent and occasional targets has grown much more over the decades, to the point that myself and other relatives like cousins and in-laws avoid contact. I don't know anyone else like her. Is there any validity to my unprofessional diagnosis? Am I being cruel in not contacting her? She doesn't call me because she says I'm "too damn busy", although that's not the case.

[JNChell]

You read Stop Walking on Eggshells years ago, but you’re still having problems when it comes to your pwBPD. Your sister’s behaviors are escalating and it’s adding to the pain that you’ve already felt for a long time due to her behaviors, and you don’t know what to do about that. It sounds like her and her husband have their own way of living.

Your mom is at the later end of her life. Your sis won’t be easy to deal with, and sounds like a very dominating and toxic person. Maybe read a bit more about narcissism than BPD. This might help you see your sister a little more clearly.

I’m sorry that your sister has been abusive. But, that’s what this community is for. My mother was a monster when mad. She couldn’t control herself, so I understand where you’re coming from.

Many of us have found this place at our wits end. Is that how you’re feeling?

No, you are not being cruel by not contacting her. It simply sounds like you need some space from her toxic behaviors. Have I understood you correctly?

[plumeria]

Yes, Hi JNChell. Thanks for responding, and for the encouragement that it's not cruel to intentionally more-than-social distance my sister.

You're right that she'll be difficult when mother dies: she created an innapropriate, hurtful scene at our Dad's memorial service which  thankfully my mother probably doesn't remember any more. Sister unexpectedly and often expresses anger out of left field, that some injustice is being perpetrated upon her. It makes her the center of attention, but people usually and literally take a walk--fast and far. And she recently and repeatedly threatened to sue me because mother assigned me as the executor of her estate.

You say your mother was a monster when mad, and I also worry about my sister's daughter. We saw scary behavior toward my niece when she was small, often being put to bed with seething anger, etc. She was often told how embarrassed her mother was that she was her daughter. Now she's 35, a sweet, accomplished and retiring young lady with no significant other, ever, on the horizon. Per her mother (my sis) I wasn't allowed to hold her or give her a gift, but I think niece likes me from afar (she laughs at my jokes). Do you think it would be appropriate for me to reach out to niece and offer her the Eggshells book, or another resource? What do you recommend about Narcisism?
My sister weirdly feels that our family of origin should be super loyal to each other, though it's just us two sisters (she hates me) and our mother with dementia left. It feels like I'd be hurting sister all over again if I offered one of these self-help books to her daughter, to help her understand her earlier challenges in life. Really, the niece is the one person in the family that I'd like to move towards in relationship, but my sister complains about how her daughter never calls or tells her anything. I don't want to incur more wrath or jealousy. As the child of an angry mother, what would you want? I know it's more complicated and you probably can't give me the bottom line answer, but what's your instinct? Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. I've always been sad for my sister's only child.

[JNChell]

No, I would not recommend offering those resources to your niece. If she ever approaches you and starts that conversation, ok. But it wouldn’t just hurt your sister, it would very likely enrage her.

I’m sure that your niece is very curious and interested in you. She’s 35, and there is nothing wrong with trying to develop a deeper relationship with her. You might be surprised at how she might open up. Have lunch together once a week. Take a walk together, or even simply talking on the phone.

There’s a good chance that you weren’t aloud to hold or give gifts to your niece because your sister has a very deep fear of losing her daughter. On top of that, she may see your niece as an extension of herself instead of an independent person.

Dr. Craig Malkin is a good resource for narcissism.

As the child of an angry mother...I don’t know. There is nothing I really could’ve done that would’ve made things better. I wasn’t allowed to have intuition. What I do have is the here and now and it’s very important to focus on that.

[Aduaine]

Hi plumeria,

I just wanted to empathize. I'm also new to the site, and I'm also dealing with guilt and confusion regarding the fact that I'm protecting myself from my adult sibling (my sister). You aren't alone! I posted my current situation in a new post yesterday, and I'm glad I found your post here because I can relate to your experiences. Sending support your way during this difficult experience!

[zachira]

You are not alone in feeling the need to protect yourself from an adult sibling with BPD. I have two siblings with BPD and my mother with BPD passed away this summer. My heart aches hearing your concerns about having to contact your sister when your mother dies. You are the executor of the estate. Is there a lawyer assigned to the estate? The reason I ask this is a lawyer for the estate would legally represent the executor and not the beneficiaries, and could be the one to contact your sister regarding the death of your mother and the distribution of your mother's estate to her beneficiaries.
I hear your concerns about your niece. My niece, the daughter of my sister with BPD, was not close to me for many years, and it is understandable considering my sister is jealous and tries to destroy my relationships with any family member that likes me. My niece has matured and we are now able to have a relationship without having her mother directly involved. I am very grateful to the aunts and uncles that helped me, as my mother with BPD was unable to be a loving safe parent. Your niece may welcome the contact with you, though it may be best that her mother does not find out, as likely your sister will try to make her choose between the two of you. You can reach out to your niece, see how she responds, and if she is reluctant to have contact with you now, she may change her mind at a later date when it feels safer for her to do so.

[Thanks]

I can SOO relate! Sister (likely also brother, and one of my daughters) with BPD; I am about the same age as you I would guess. I am also the executrix of my 91-year-old mother's estate and I have the same concerns you do. I intend to use a law firm - in fact I already have met a lawyer from there. They will handle everything, including any necessary contact with those two siblings. Though it will cost, it will totally be worth it, and the cost will come out of the estate, such as it is.
You are doing your sister a favor by avoiding her; staying in touch with such an abusive person is enabling their behavior, though I know it can make us feel guilty to avoid them. And they can be manipulative about our guilt. It's important to remember, it's in their best interest to prevent them from being abusive to you. Your absence from her life is your gift to her, maybe try to think of it that way.