How to be angry?

[ylime]

Hi, there. This is my first post, and it is coming from some overwhelming home time due to the virus. Please bear with me. My mom has not been diagnosed formally with BPD, but I strongly identify with all of the feelings that people in relationships with sufferers of BPD experience. My mom has been abusing alcohol for years now. I'm in college now, and I can remember there being a problem back when I was in middle school. As a kid, I felt alone and didn't understand what was going on. (My parents have been divorced for a long time and my mom is now single.) She has rarely drunk earlier than 5:00-- now confines it to weekends when no one is home with her. When I finally understood what was happening, why my mom was acting so weird at night, I said something. I said something so many different ways-- angry, pleading, sad, calm. Nothing worked. She would blame me, telling me that she drank because of something I did, even though I was well-behaved. I know now that it was never my fault and that there's nothing I can do about it, but I am so angry with her still, and I don't know what to do about it. I am currently at home from school due to the virus with my much younger sister who still lives at home, and everything my mom does makes it worse. She still tries to blame me for her drinking or gaslights me to try and convince me that she doesn't. When she's not drinking, she's sitting in her room all day. I constantly feel like I have to make the effort to spend time with her. I feel like I have to tell her to talk to her other daughter who is too young and too upset with our mother to know how to have a relationship with her. I barely do. Mom has always been a screamer and reacts to everything that could be remotely interpreted as a criticism with yelling. I don't know how to set boundaries. I feel too overwhelmed to begin to think about what to ask or where to start. I feel like I have been acting like the parent for so long that I'm not even sure what parents are supposed to be doing and what I am not, especially considering I am now technically an adult. Or I guess in this case, how can I express my anger in a productive way? And what should I expect from my mom who has traits of BPD?

[Methuen]

Hi ylime,

It sounds like it has been (and currently is) a really intense struggle with your mom, made worse by Covid.  I am sorry that you are going through this.  Most of us land on this website because we are in crisis.  You will find a community that understands and supports here.

And what should I expect from my mom who has traits of BPD?

BPD is a terrible disease, so probably a good place to start is to let go of the expectations you have previously held of your mom.  She isn't going to change. She can't, because of the BPD. You have to be the one who changes how you respond to her, and slowly this can all get better for you.

Have you had a chance to explore any of the information on this website?

Books such as Stop Walking on Eggshells?  (SWOE)

Have you ever talked to anyone previously about this such as a counsellor or therapist?

If not, that's OK.  This is a good place to start.  

Or I guess in this case, how can I express my anger in a productive way?

This is a really great question ylime.

I can tell you what worked for me.  I immersed myself in learning about BPD because I needed to understand what was behind my mom's splitting, her rages, her blaming, her inability to apologize, her irrational behavior, her mean-ness to me (despite her ability to be a nice person to me on occasion, and nice to other people almost always), her depression, her eating disorder, her selfishness, her abusiveness at times...

None of it made sense (I'm 57), and so I started searching for answers.  To my surprise, I discovered that BPD is almost like a mathematical formula.  Certain inputs (eg genetics, dysfunctional FOO, and trauma) resulted in BPD, which is a distorted way of "seeing", and feelings which are so intense the pwBPD can't cope with them.  This inability to cope then leads to the behaviors (lying, self-medicating, splitting, raging, etc) which are high-conflict.  I was shocked to discover a whole community of people whose pwBPD had the same behaviors and conflicts as my mom.  Sometimes the stories even matched.  Unbelievable.

I landed here about 8 months ago.  It has been a journey.  I am doing so much better now.  Mom hasn't changed (except she is now on antidepressant which has helped IMMENSELY), but I have also changed how I interact with her, using new tools and strategies I learned on this website, from books about BPD, and from a therapist.  I am no longer angry all the time.  I am finding joy in life again.  So it can get better ylime.

Another thing I did to express my anger in a positive way was go biking, or exert myself in some moderate to intense physical activity.  At least I was putting that anger to a good use and helping my own cardio and strength.  It always made me feel better afterwards.  Every time.  

Different strategies will work for different people.  Music? Pets? Yoga?  Faith?  It should be something that takes you away from the anger, and lets you enjoy the moment.

Let us know how we can help you.  Have you got a specific story you would like to share, or questions you want to ask?

[ylime]

Hi Metheun,

I am currently seeing a therapist. I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and the medication and therapy has helped. She recently indicated to me that my relationship with my mother and how it makes me feel could be due to her having BPD traits. Since then, I've been searching for answers. Before I was acting as though my mom was depressed and had an alcohol problem, but it seems like these traits which I recognize in my mom, are a whole different thing that I'm not sure how to deal with.

Recently, mom's mood swings have been horrible. One minute she is silly and has all kinds of energy and wants to talk to me and the next minute she is quiet and wants to be alone. She rarely comes to the opposite side of the house where my sister and I are. She wakes up and immediately finds a mess of mine to scream about, one I haven't had a chance to clean up. On top of all of this infuriating behavior, my mom decided one night, around 2 a.m., that she would try and order groceries online for later pick up. We have been going inside grocery stores lately with caution, so this was kind of a weird move. Food is frequently an issue in our house because she never consults with us for groceries or tries to plan ahead for meals, which is especially important right now. Anyways, she told me that when she saw a time slot available while she was late-night browsing, she HAD to do it. But we had no grocery list. No one was told. I, the only adult in the house at times, was not consulted. And I knew why. She knew that if I went to the store with her, she couldn't buy alcohol. I confronted her with this information, knowing I was right. But she denied it. I demanded to see what she ordered, and she wouldn't show me asking "Well what do you need?" over and over. But of course, I wasn't concerned anymore about all the food she wouldn't have gotten. She lied and lied and lied. She always lies. I begged her to tell me the truth. She wouldn't. I got really upset. When she's sober and in denial, it hurts more. It reminds me of all the times that she has gotten drunk in public or private that she refuses to talk about because it "embarrasses" her. But my siblings and I have never gotten to heal. I felt trapped in that moment (and maybe now) because I wanted to leave, but I have an 11 y/o sister who I am very motherly toward for better or worse. Her dad lives about 40 minutes away and basically doesn't have a living situation that is any better. Leaving for college has been a great source of guilt for me because I feel guilty for leaving my sister with my mother to go through the same things I did, except without any good memories of her. All of this is running through my mind when I am crying in my bed. My mom did come and comfort me, which is out of character for her. She told me the truth after a long, tearful rant. But I wanted her to try to get a smidge better, a mite more self-aware. I always console myself with the thought that if she tried, I would feel better. But I don't think that's true anymore. I don't know. I feel the weight of my mother's wellbeing and my sister's. And my brother's (19), even though he's doing his own thing right now. This is just the latest in a long line of emotional upsets. I don't feel prepared to completely accept my mom because it feels as though I am also accepting the situation. It doesn't feel possible to change one without changing the other.

[Methuen]

This is sounding like a super intense and difficult situation for you ylime.  

You shouldn't have to be the parent here.  Apart from you and your mom, is there another adult in the house?  Or are you the only "adult"?  

This is tough. It sounds like you are shouldering a LOT of responsibility.  

The story about your mom and the impulsive online shopping without a list (in the middle of the night) fits well with BPD.  Could you create a "grocery list" template?  I have one of these on my fridge.  It garners conversations during the week about what we should eat next, and everyone just adds to the list as they think of things.  I have it organized by isles in the grocery store: eg. fruits/veg, deli, meat, canned goods, frozen food etc. which also makes me more efficient in the store.  Would it be helpful if something like that was on the fridge?

I don't feel prepared to completely accept my mom because it feels as though I am also accepting the situation.

I think there is a difference.  The situation isn't healthy right?  We shouldn't just "accept" situations that aren't healthy, as this just enables abuse.  So how can you reduce the conflict (especially while Covid is present) right now, to get through this spell, until you can figure out a longer term plan?    There are tools to help you feel emotionally safer.  Boundaries are important.  Other tools include SET, asking validating questions, and NOT JADEing. Also finding ways to look after yourself.  You can't help look after your siblings if you yourself are falling apart.  On the airplane we have to put our own oxygen mask on before the child beside us.

I don't believe that "accepting your mom" means accepting her behavior.  There's a term called "radical acceptance" referred to on this site.  That kind of acceptance is not the same thing as accepting her behavior.  But her behavior probably isn't going to change, unless the people around her also make some changes.  The tools on this site could be helpful with that.  Your house is in a crisis right now.  Everybody's emotions are raw, and you are feeling exhausted, understandably, so it's a really hard time to be figuring out "new tools".  But we would like to try to help you get through this...

You're in a tough place right now ylime.  It's overwhelming right?  So just pick one little thing at a time to work on.  Maybe start with a grocery list on the fridge?  Then pick a new tool to try for a while.  One little step at a time.  One day at a time.  

Also, you are entitled to your own feelings.  It is not your job to feel your mom's feelings for her.  That was a real big eye opener for me.  It took me months to figure out what that meant.

Keep on talking here, and asking questions.  Let us know what's helpful and what's not.  We're here to support.