End of our relationship

[Suzi J]

I have been with my BPD partner for over four years now. He has always struggled with substance abuse, particularly alcohol. This was hidden in the beginning of the relationship and the closer we got this became more obvious. With numerous attempts at sobriety things were looking positive and we moved in together just over a year ago but of course he was still drinking and this became a huge obstacle in our relationship.
 I could feel myself becoming more and more unhappy but thought this was something we could get over together - as he kept telling me.
I had no idea he had BPD until around 6 months ago when he was finally diagnosed. Since reading about it and noticing his behaviour it’s so obvious now. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t help him and even though he had all the tools and will in the world to overcome his addictions and improve his life he would always resort back to substance abuse despite knowing how much it hurt me and made me feel unsafe in our home.
A few weeks ago he had been drinking once again so I said I was going to my mum’s house that night. He took a knife and stabbed the wheel of my car to stop me from leaving. In that moment I feared for my life. In hindsight I know nothing would have happened to me and he was just desperate for me to stay but in that moment I was terrified.
We since tried again to reconcile but I think this time it was irreparable and the serious damage to our relationship had already been done.
After another night and day of my partner drinking I decided to leave him and our home for good. He continues to ask for me back and will not accept that I have left. We were engaged, talking of buying our first home together and having children. I know that due to his BPD he will really struggle with a relationship breakdown and I feel incredible guilt for leaving.
I am finding it so difficult not to be there for him even though I know I can’t be forever. My BPD partner goes from saying he wants/needs me back to being emotionally abusive and manipulative. I know he is trying to manipulate me back in to the relationship and it is making it difficult for me to know what is real and what is not - like the reasons I left in the first place. Sometimes when he talks it muddies everything and makes me question my decisions.
Other than issues surrounding BPD and his substance abuse we had a very good relationship and connection. It was hard to realise I couldn’t have that part of him without the negatives attached but I have now accepted that.
At the moment this is still very fresh, it’s been just over a week but I am scared of what’s to come and how messy and emotionally draining this is going to be for both of us. I need to look after myself but as I have looked after and cared for him for so long it is really difficult to ignore his pain. I know I need to walk away it’s just so so hard

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Since you’ve decided to leave, it may seem inappropriate for me to move you to the Bettering board. The reason I’m doing so is that in the days and weeks to come, you will need to unwind yourself from this relationship and on that board you will learn strategies to protect yourself and keep things calmer, as you do so.

I know it’s a difficult choice, but you sound like you’ve thought it through well.

Best, Cat

[Suzi J]

Thanks Cat I will do that