Bumping into BPD ex, rebound, coffee date, block. Part 3

[Adrian26]

Mod note: this thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=343183.0


Hiya all. If you're willing, this is going to be a long read. It's not about usual toxicity. It's a reply to both onceremoved's valuable advice and actually me asking for help regarding a very serious situation: my ex's mom who is deadly ill.

BPD traits no doubt played a role. they make for an inherently difficult person.

what i mean is two fold:

1. it probably has a lot more to do with human nature than BPD. this is hard to see. but conflict mostly looks the same in all relationships. for example, fights over money, fights over jealousy, fights over one partner giving more than another, fights over fundamental incompatibility, fights over values differences, etc. people with BPD traits just react in a more extreme way to the same stuff.

2. it probably has more to do with the unique dynamics between the two of you, whats fundamentally broken or not working, and if you want to reconcile the relationship, how those things, specifically, are going to be reconciled.  

Hmmm. Thanks for your advice. Naturally we are all human and I do not mean BPD was the only factor at play here. Some of my traits were triggered as well, such as jealousy and suspicion from earlier relationships. My ex had severe abandonment issues which are prevalent amongst many neurotypicals as well.  Values clashed that might not have that much to do with BPD: for instance I'm a very monogamous kind of person while my ex is very okay with polyamory. I couldn't commit or provide stability at certain points and that would trigger any partner.
However, I do feel like those issues can exist in any relationship, but where those partners might weather the storm BPD adds a certain storm or uncertain element that might tip the scales negatively. For instance, it was mostly her BPD (and autism) that made it difficult for her to communicate her feelings of insecurity- resulting instead to sabotage and provocations by flirting with/kissing other men. Its also her BPD that makes her continuously feel inferior or unworthy of love, amounting to a range of behaviour that I would less frequently expect from a neurotypical: sabotage at the slightest (imagined) hint of abandonment, intense fear of commitment yet enmeshment and as such push pull, an intense need for validation leading to increased frequence of polyamory, (emotional) cheating, immediate rebounds and subsequent discardment of other guys/girls she used to fill the hole inside or to frame her own story, twisting of stories, lies, manipulation, etc. She is not evil nor the sole problem in our failed relationship, but the increased frequency of damaging behaviour certainly played a decisive part in my opinion in maybe not wrecking our relationship but certainly in ruining any trust to start over.

Anyhow, this is not the reason I broached the topic again.
I would like to ask for some thoughtful advice: not for me, but in this case advice about what would be best for my ex.
As you know, she recently communicated to be in a very happy relationship and that she desired no more contact. I was hurt, not only because of the intentional provocation in telling me that, but also because I had tried to understand her and forgive our past. Additionally, the very fact that she needed to call it a relationship despite her absolute hatred of that word and her immense commitment issues stung even worse. The last time we met she told me she 'needed someone that made her feel good about herself', and she told both me and herself that she was definitely able to be in a committed relationship but only with the right person. The very quick new relationship made me feel like she desperately wanted to proof her capacity for a stable relationship to the world, thereby placing the blame on me.

Last week she asked in a groupchat if someone could refer her to video software, since she had to edit some videos and was in need of quick help due to 'hectic personal circumstances'. It felt like attention seeking and I didnt reply. In fact, I have not been in contact with her since our last chat about the relationship. A mutual friend called me a few days ago however, asking if I'd been in touch with my ex. Apparently her situation is really dire. Her mom is suffering from acute leukemia in a very advanced stage, caused by chemo after being treated for breast cancer years ago. Chemo won't suffice now, and due to the coronapandemic all donor banks are closed off. Hospital visits are limited. The goal right now is to assess whether my ex, her aunt or her brother might be a good match to donate stem cells. Chances of survival are 20%
.
I was heartbroken to hear the news. Regardless of anything that has happened, my ex is a troubled survivor of a very difficult childhood. In fact, she was a teenager, 16, when her mom got treated for breast cancer, and her parents hired one of her high school teachers (38yrs)  to tutor her and to provide stability on those days mom and dad were engaged in the hospital. He ended up f*king her. She always laughed it off as part of her hypersexual image. I could never shake off the disgust and the feeling that the guy abused his position, her trust and her feelings of inferiority, and that it was in fact rape. In fact it may have amounted to her hypersexual and masochistic tendencies since in a way she was finally 'valued' . Since her teenage years she has slowly by slowly been working on her self worth, and with lots of therapy, friends and family support she has graduated with outstanding results from college. She is surrounded by loving friends and family. She is in fact slowly creating a world for herself where her feelings of inferiority may eventually lose their grip. And she has sacrificed and bled (literally) a lot on that long road.
She confessed that her condition often put a lot of strain on her family, but throughout her life her family has been extremely supportive of her. In fact, her family's support is so unwavering that they tend to enable my ex in some of her more damaging behaviours. Her own words: without the efforts of my family I would have been dead already. Her father is autistic, just like her. Although they share traits and love each other a lot, I've always felt like it was her mother that has been the most influential in guiding her daughter. As an autistic male, her dad shares some of her difficulties: interpreting, regulating and communicating emotions, black and white thinking and a general problem of connecting with neurotypicals and fitting in. It's been her mother that has taught her most how to fit in with the rest of the world without criticizing her for her differences. And now that she is finally working on herself and taking her first steps into a promising career, that corner stone seems extremely likely to be lost to her very soon.

Both me and the mutual friend who called me are extremely worried about my ex. Losing a parent is terrible for any person, but we fear my ex might backslide immensely. She had been close to suicidal when she lost her dog last summer, after which she engaged in self destructive behaviour and escapism such as drug abuse, automutilation, impulsive holidays, sex sprees and dropping her studies temporarily.

The friend had called me since she wondered if I would be of any help to my ex, as both a medicine student and a former confidant. Apparently my ex had been isolating herself, blocking calls and not returning texts. I was hesitant to text because of her very clear wish to no longer have any contact, and also because I know my presence triggers a lot of emotions in her. Pushed by the friend I texted her that if she really needed consolation or help, I would be able to discard our recent troubles as exes and instead be there for her as a former friend. I left the option entirely to her, admitting that I might not be the most calming person for her now.
She unblocked and called me within 15 minutes. It took her a minute of silence before she hesitantly tried to speak. She tried to explain what was happening to her mom, but most of her sound was either intense crying, screaming or stuttering. She sobbed uncontrollably. She was with her best friend, who spoke for her when all she could do was cry and scream. Her friend told me that this emotional outburst had been a long time coming, since I had been very important to my ex for a long time and she had desperately wanted to reach out to me but didn't dare to after all that had happened. They were thankful that I wanted to call. My ex wanted to tell the story to me herself repeatedly, but all she could do was stutter. Her friend and I closed off cordially, and she asked that any communication to my ex to go through her, since my ex was in no state to handle it herself. I naturally accepted and promised I would not engage in contact, but that my door would be open and that I was willing to help in any way- even if that meant distancing myself entirely.

The next day my ex blocked me on whatsapp again. I exchanged a few words with her friend and there was no hostility there. I expressed understanding that she probably blocked me because I trigger too much and she had enough on her plate already.

Now onto the advice. I feel like I'm on the right course at this point by leaving all initiative to my ex. I was surprised that she wanted to call, especially since she has been blocking all other communications also with others. She also confessed lingering attachment and value between us. However, I am no longer her boyfriend and this is also not a time for that topic at all. I do feel rather powerless, knowing she is suffering and in a way might want my support but also distancing herself because of triggers. I want to give her a hug and be a stable factor. Not as a boyfriend. But in the end she is someone I loved and even if I loathed her I wouldn't wish this situation upon anyone.
Thoughts?

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[alittleawkward]

It's tricky revisiting an ex platonically, especially in times of need. A big thing about BPDs is they pick up relationships from people who come swooping in as their knight in shining armour, who pick them up when they are at their lowest, and then support them until they can no longer support themselves.

It's an awful situation that your ex finds herself in, alas it is her situation, for her to do as she pleases in terms of support. You have done the right thing by reaching out to her in a time of need and showing your support, however progression from this point should be slow, and like you say, at her own choice. I wouldn't wait for a phone call or a message; whilst it may come, you have to continue your own life and prioritise yourself without getting caught up in hers again, and if you do find a conversation starts to spark, be very wary and bare in mind she has admitted that there are still some deeper feelings there that she has for you. Whilst your intentions are really good, this could be a horrendously slippery slope considering everything going on. Tread with caution if contact is made!

Whatever happens you need to emotionally prepare yourself. She may not reach out to you. She may reach out to you platonically. She may try and reconcile the relationship. She may do any of these things and retract her actions. She is in an extremely emotionally crippling situation which will only be amplified by her BPD and autism; and as selfish as it is, whilst she may reach out for support, it is important that you don't add aggravation to it all, and throughout it all, keep yourself a priority.

[Adrian26]

Thank you alittleawkward for your thoughts.

I agree with all of them. I discussed several credible scenarios with family and (mutual) friends. Considering our past I would not be surprised if she would one day show up at my door for sex as a coping mechanism. For myself, her and her boyfriend I would not go through with that for once, tempting as it may be. It would be immoral towards her relationship, would only create more reasons to be hurt for me and would add another reason for her to blame herself for afterwards. Even without her in a relationship I would not do it. The only reason I reached out on cordial terms was because I suspected her to still be struggling with our past relationship and that I wanted to ensure there is no battlefield between us right now, just support if she needs it.

[once removed]

However, I do feel like those issues can exist in any relationship, but where those partners might weather the storm BPD adds a certain storm or uncertain element that might tip the scales negatively.

i think thats a good way of putting it. BPD and BPD traits make for a very difficult partner. there are things more unique to BPD like rejection and criticism sensitivity (and others) that make conflict a lot harder to resolve.

I would like to ask for some thoughtful advice: not for me, but in this case advice about what would be best for my ex.

The friend had called me since she wondered if I would be of any help to my ex, as both a medicine student and a former confidant. Apparently my ex had been isolating herself, blocking calls and not returning texts. I was hesitant to text because of her very clear wish to no longer have any contact, and also because I know my presence triggers a lot of emotions in her. Pushed by the friend I texted her that if she really needed consolation or help, I would be able to discard our recent troubles as exes and instead be there for her as a former friend. I left the option entirely to her, admitting that I might not be the most calming person for her now.

i think this was a pretty reasonable course of action to take. i believe in helping others where you can, how you can, and to the extent you can.

a friend asked you to help. you reached out. your help was accepted.

The next day my ex blocked me on whatsapp again.
...
Now onto the advice. I feel like I'm on the right course at this point by leaving all initiative to my ex.
...
Thoughts?

the thing about helping someone is if our offer of help is rejected (or in this case accepted and then rejected), its not helpful to substitute our judgment for theirs, or supply them with what we think they need, even if they say it isnt what they want.

i think youve done what you can here. for whatever reason she blocked you, i would take the message as "no further help needed", and abide by it. i might not be happy about it, but it might be the most helpful thing i can do.

[Adrian26]

Thank you for your reply.

I have the same believe. A situation like this makes us all human again and trumps any resentment between exes. I could have been petty and let her 'rot', or I could have abused the situation to get her close to me again. All I wanted to achieve was for her to at least not also feel the burden of anger between us. She needs all the support she can get.
At the same time I can not shoulder this burden for her, and I'm no longer her partner. But at least I can be a supportive ex.

I do not presume to know what my ex needs, or better: I do not believe I am a definite source of help for her. Yes, I think she would very much benefit from a long hug or conversation with me because we've shared so much and that bond still lingers. But she has told me repeatedly that I cause her a lot of distress: her emotions spiral when I'm in contact with her and thats the last thing she needs. So maybe this one phone call was the best option. She could share her fears and sadness, knows there is no ill will between us at this point and that she doesn't need to contact me. I hope it gives her mind some peace.

[once removed]

I hope it gives her mind some peace.

i hope that it gives you the same. you did a good thing.

[findingmyselfagain]

Adrian,

I'm late to the thread but I must say that you have handled the situation as well as anyone could. I worked my buns off trying to save mine, too. She was pretty much my first love, lost my virginity, got engaged in just a few months. It seemed like a "dream come true" to meet someone so in love. I believe she was likely on the BPD spectrum. She had two short marriages at a young age and had barely had a 1 y/o from one marriage. But I feel for the "poor me" eyes and my exes were abusers stories. My story is similar to a lot of the ones here. Our r/s seemed wonderful to me for a long time but I did notice fights that didn't make any sense at all. We were only together for about 9 months. 8 months were decent enough with some strange fights but not enough to sink the ship. Suddenly she decided to hang out with a co-worker but she threw it in my face in a way that would of course trigger me into being jealous and fighting. It was downhill after that. Slowly but surely she stopped wearing the ring and cut off affection and all I could do was scratch my head in confusion. She was suddenly upset and p-oed that everyone was saying how nice I was and how good we looked together, etc. Strange comments like that during the downswing.

Long story short I googled like a crazy person some phrases that she used and eventually came upon BPD and it was like a light went off. I actually joined a local support group for BPDs/mental health and made friends with a woman there. (I think she wanted romance because she admired how much I tried to understand the illness...but I knew I was in no shape.) With the help of a woman who ran a BPD website I ended up writing my ex a letter and asking to hang out with her and her daughter. (She allowed her daughter to think of me as her "daddy" while we were together...so yeah that was even a worse loss!). My ex was actually responsive but something was missing. It's been so long I can't remember exactly but it just seemed like she still had to take a shot at me and it didn't seem like it would be an amicable meeting.

Luckily at this point I thought incredibly hard and recognized I'd be chasing that disappointment likely for the rest of my life, so I decided to just go silent. It's been tough at times but as times goes by it's more like I just recognize that it's over and it's probably a good thing...while acknowledging that some of it seemed good. It's just that reality never actually mattered. It didn't matter how kind I was, how much I loved her, took care of her and her daughter. In other words, I deserved someone who reciprocated my commitment and obviously she did not...BPD or not.

Months after it was over and long after anything could have been resolved if she had been honest at the time...she revealed to me that she was suffering from traumatizing panic attacks and nervous breakdowns near the end. She was asking me if I was ok at the time and I was wondering why she was asking me. I do think it was just some part of her personality that self-destructs at the hint of true intimacy. (BPD?) Who doesn't love falling in love? Planning a wedding, etc.? But to actually be married...another level of intimacy.

I know now that she did me a favor. It's been tough but it forced me to look at myself and grow and to love myself, too. Whatever happens between you and your ex, I wish you the best. I just ask that you look closely at yourself and what you truly want out of life. Is it worth the chase while you could be chasing someone who can be as invested and deeply loving as you are?

Best wishes!

[Adrian26]

Thank you findingmyselfagain also for sharing your story. I myself regularly arrive late at my own thread ;)
Thats not because I did not read it, Ive also been active at other threads to help sometimes. Oftentimes I need to take all the information in and need my emotions to settle down before I know what to answer.

It must have been very hard to also lose 'your' little girl along with your ex, no matter how short you spent time with her in the end. Those intense bonds grow very quickly and that makes the recovery after extra hard. Indeed I think you can replay events in your head over and over, and most of the inexplainable stuff had a lot of iceberg underneath and could not be helped at that point by you.
The selfdestruction/panic attacks at the hint of intimacy sound familiair, and has also been brought up at other threads. In the end its hard not to throw all the blame at BPD, but patterns are hard to ignore. My ex's relationships have also had some sort of pattern: either they had a function outside of romance, or long term commitment was not at play for whatever reason. She balked at the first sign when guys or girls showed too much interest or long term views. One ex she lived for 3 years (!) with when she started college and needed to move out, but left him when, in her words, 'She found peace and explanations in her new diagnoses and didn't need to be looked after like a broken bird anymore'. Others were predominantly sex, the one with me was uncertain from the start because of my own issues and I think she thrived in that uncertainty, the one with the girl she had along with me functioned as a lightning rod for the insecure relationship with me and was severed quickly after 3 months, the one she has now was found pretty quickly after our breakup and judging by her words prior functions mostly as a way to rebuild her ego and reinforce the belief that she actually CAN have a monogamous relationship.

Your name is interesting by the way: during the last weeks I've slowly also, unconsciously, felt a bit like myself before I got involved with her. Some of my self esteem emerges more often, my former easy confidence. I actually thought those aspects were part of a mask and that I had lost them, or that I did not deserve to carry myself around with confidence anymore. Bizarre how those things were all forced to the back of my head.
Finding myself again, leaving the troubles of my relationship behind and actually respecting myself again is also part of my next question, for which I'll create a new post.

[Adrian26]

Hi all,

So this was actually a thing I wanted to drop yesterday. It's about moving on, allowing more room for my emotions, frustrations, and finding myself and my worth and confidence again.

A few days ago I heard from a friend that my ex's mom has found a 100% stem cell donor match. That is terrific news for their family and I was very relieved, even though its still just a small step.
However, ever since I've been feeling a lot of anger bubbling up from somewhere deep down where I put it. A few weeks ago I reached out to my ex when asked by a mutual friend, since the situation was dire and we were all worried about her: the situation is sad enough for anyone but my ex has shown very destructive behaviour in the past even when confronted with 'lesser' problems such as the death of her dog, her mom's previous illness or even breakups or roommates moving out. I reached out despite my ex's quite abusive behaviour and neglect, she was thankful, and the deal was that I'd also be kept updated. I was not. My anger might seem childish, but not only were my worries genuine, not informing me felt like another instance of where I put empathy and understanding in apparently a bottomless pit. When her mom is ill I reach out- my mom got threatened if I didnt 'keep distance'. Before when she was in dire straits I also helped yet received abuse in return, and when I needed help or at least moral or human treatment I could count on none.

With this new nail in the coffin a lot of suppressed anger erupted about many instances of past abuse by her, and my limit was reached. I don't regret reaching out and providing sympathy- I would have blamed myself if I had not done it. But I did inform her best friend, who was supposed to act like an intermediary, that I no longer want to be involved. I blocked my ex on all media to also prevent panicked calls like in the past. Afterwards I allowed myself to feel angry about other parts of my rather terrible past year.
A lot of my anger was focused around a Skype call today with the group of friends my ex and I are part of. I was not sure my ex would attend, but another girl (lets call her Jane) said she would. I noticed I felt very hesitant to join what was supposed to be a friendly catchup call with friends and drinks because of Jane. It's been a long while since I addressed that part of the story. I'll summarize it below and would like to ask you: Am I in the right for feeling the emotions I feel?  I am asking this because my ex and Jane both downplayed the severity and I long questioned myself, and because I actually feel good and confident now that I can feel my anger again.

Jane was a mutual friend. Jane was always a bit interested in my ex's overblown sexuality, which I did not mind, and at that time Jane had a boyfriend, was monogamous and no longer interested. When my ex and I unexpectedly broke up in August, I was left confused and quite heartbroken. Jane comforted me, heard me out, advised me, we had many phonecalls and lunches together and she was a big help. When my ex got back from holiday 2 weeks after the break, Jane went to meet her for drinks and would also communicate my confusion and ask for explanations/possibility of a talk. The very day she visited my ex we called, and I professed how worried I was my ex would sleep with someone else.  
Jane did not respond the days after. At some point I learned Jane had told my ex all my considerations about BPD, which had triggered my ex and drove us further apart. When I confronted Jane angrily and asked whether there was more she had told my ex, she said my suspicion was very unfair. That was our last convo.
When my ex and I got back together I learned that Jane had actually f*cked my ex that night, and even insisted on a 3some with her and her boyfriend. When confronted she merely said 'yeah that wasn't so decent of me'. Some friends argue it was just a spur of the moment, but am I in the wrong for feeling massively backstabbed by how she drove us further apart, lied, knew my exact fears, acted like she was my friend, kept the truth from me for months, and even saying my suspicion was unfair? She had many moments afterwards to do the right thing and she never did.
I've had a lot of thoughts and conversations with friends, also with a few within the same group, about how to handle my frustration. I do not want to suppress my emotions anymore for the sake of the group atmosphere, Jane, or my ex. That would be unfair, since I did nothing to risk the friendship in the first place, and it also puts the burden on the wrong person. Nor do I want to stay away from meetings because of two people. But I also dont want to burden the whole group with something they had no part in. What would you advise me to do? Naturally a breakup should be limited to two people, but in this case other parts of the group have gotten involved. In fact, the very same scenario happened with another girl from the group, but she and I closed things off rather respectfully.
I feel like the majority of this group of friends doesnt know about the severity of the breakup. This is not necessarily a bad thing, I wanted to keep it low profile as well for many months. But the threats to my mom, the lies to me and other men, the manipulations, my ex reaching out to my previous partner, the no contact, the re-establishment of contact for only very short times, drunk midnight calls, verbal abuse at group meetings, the professed monogamy while still reaching out to other dudes- I've never been in a breakup like this and its absolutely drained me this year. And it stands in the way of me enjoying the group.

What would you advise me?

[once removed]

What would you advise me?

generally speaking, deal with the group to the extent youre able to enjoy it, and also invest in finding another group.

nah, i wouldnt have much to do with jane anymore.

[Adrian26]

Hi all,

It's been a while. I took your advice to heart, talked to friends, focused on my own life, reduced contact with people who were on the wrong side of the fence in regards to my recovery. Had no contact with my ex since April, despite her troublesome situation with her mom.

It went better than I honestly expected. The longer I was not in touch anymore, the more energy I felt poppin' up in areas I barely recognized anymore. Also more self-confidence, more focus, enjoyment. With difficulty I also slowly got to see my ex-partner in the light she portrayed her the last 9 months. While I rationally knew that BPD's tend to shift blame, manipulate, flirt etc. I had trouble believing in that myself since it seemed like a lazy explanation that cleared my of all guilt. But slowly, through talks with friends, my therapist, and my own experiences and gut feeling, I'm embracing the sad realization that my ex is indeed flawed through her unfortunate affliction. This also meant letting go of the belief in her early intense compliments and lovebombing and that has been the hardest.

3 weeks ago I noticed she had unblocked me on whatsapp. Though tempted, I did not contact her. I actually believe very much us getting back together would not make me happy. Of course, that doesn't take away the longing parts of me still feel. The need for validation of the things she said, confirmation that indeed I was special to her and not so easily replaceable, any hint of the previous connection and appreciation. Still, it felt weak to contact her and I did not have faith in any positive outcome for me. I expected just another protracted instance of one of her games to come out of it.

3 Days ago she suddenly texted me at night. She sent a GIF of wolves howling. Long ago we asked which animal would best suit either of us and we both settled on wolves for the other. To hide her contact with me, she would previously also log me in her contacts as just 'Wolf'. Part of the reason we attributed the animal to the other is because some bogus analysis linked emotional masks to wolfish behaviour.

It hit me less hard than I expected. Honestly I just interpreted it as another one of her moves where she just randomly and chaotically initiated contact based on her needs, but without anything stable to rely upon for my own needs.
She called me afterwards, I replied I could not call. I was alone, but didnt want to be available at her terms. She ignored my txt and called me again 6 times. To get it over with I answered, also out of fear she was cutting again.
We asked each other how we'd been. I did not desire any games, nor did I want to present myself in a better light to attract her since I honestly do not believe I'd be happy with her. So I honestly told her I had gone through a rough patch but was feeling very well lately (which is the truth). I attributed most of the stress to my hospital work.
She said she was intoxicated by alcohol drugs or both. She asked 'where my legs were standing': in the past still or in the present. 'Whats the plan'- concerning the two of us. She put a lot of emphasis asking how I was feeling- it felt like she either wanted to know if I was still interested in her, or whether I was still feeling very PLEASE READty about our breakup. She disliked that I couldnt call for very long.
Suddenly she said, truthfully or otherwise, that her boyfriend was calling her. I dont know any details about her relationship and Id like to keep it that way, but whether she was provocative or still in an official relationship I hated every notion of it. If true, she was also deceiving her current boy by testing the waters with me.
So I told her I 'had to go back', and only asked her about her moms disease and health and if she and her family were keeping it up. She told me 'goodnight baby/sweetheart', merely replied with a 'bye bye'.

Afternoon the day after she blocked me. I felt fine before- in control, she wanted me instead of the other way around. Her block hit me more than I wanted though. Now I again felt discarded, the high of being wanted and in control traded for being left again, trying to figure out her weird moves, understanding her, figuring out my best action next.
I do not want any further sudden calls or texts, unless its about a decent closure that I wanted for months but didnt get. What would you guys think and recommend?
Is this a classic recycle move, testing if Im still available when her current relationship might be rocky? To me and some friends it seemed that way.

My friends say my move was strong, showing I didnt want her. Blocking her would show vulnerability. First I wanted to send her an old fashioned SMS saying she can either do a constructive conversation or be blocked upcoming night- this would help myself stand by my choice and know for sure there is nothing left to be gained. It also felt weak, but I notice I have trouble ignoring her and clearing my head now she contacted me.

[alittleawkward]

Personally I have always found that saying/doing nothing, showing no reaction, and seemingly paying it no attention is the most gratifying in the long run. It is extremely hard to resist the urge to reply initially, but it fades, and coming to that realisation a few weeks afterwards is very humbling and reassuring. If you don't reply makes you appear like these games do not affect you and stops any possibility of another wound being inflicted unless you are back in control of the situation. Leaving it be until she starts it up again, or just leaving it entirely has been most successful in my experience. If you keep biting, she'll keep throwing out bait.

[once removed]

there may have been a few things going on here.

this sounds like a classic drunken reach out to an ex. most of us have been there.

theyre embarrassing...even if it goes well enough. thats probably why she blocked you the following day. she felt silly, bad, stupid, dumb.

it also sounds like it took a lot for her to reach out (including being intoxicated).

its risky reaching out, or especially sticking your neck out, with an ex. that can be even more true for someone with bpd traits.

honestly man, short of being all "baby i love you forever", she was gonna leave that conversation feeling stupid, possibly even rejected.

id give the same advice whether you were posting here, or the Detaching board. it would be way over reacting to block her. it would not be constructive to follow up, or give her an ultimatum.

shes just feeling dumb. shes embarrassed. she will get over it.