Finally feeling detached from ex gf - the experience and lessons

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I started to feel intense connection with her from the moment since we met - it was a weird feeling like she had some of the traits of my mom and dad.
We started moving very fast, two weeks after we met, we got in a relationship. I really decided to put my whole self into it - I was telling her basically everything about me, what she should be aware of in a sense, so that we are on the same page. She did the same in a sense.  I was surprised by the amount of "love" she was giving me but it felt so good, like she was loving all of my character. She was definitely more experienced than me in relationships, sex, etc. She was the most playful, fun, kind-hearted girl I've ever met. It felt so good to be around someone who appreciates every part of my personality. We definitely had a lot of traits in common, and at one point she told me that we are like a "puzzle".

After love bombing phase, I started to see some red flags, and my gut feeling was telling me that something is off about this person but I choose to ignore it, because I also felt intense attachment. The more time we've spent, the more time I sensed that this person is hiding something from me. It was just my intuition telling me that this person had some big secrets that she is not relieving to me.

It started to feel like a was caged and I wanted to get to the bottom of it why. I didn't feel like that during the whole love bombing stage. It started to feel like I should be there to feel all of her insecurities about herself. It was like full time job of constant reassurance that "everything is alright" if I just have a slight change of the tone in my voice, face expression or similar. I started to become very anxious with her texting and communication and I would get angry. She was extremely insecure and told me that I'm cold. I felt controlled - so I started to talk with other girls just so that I could feel like I wasn't caged.

Something was simply off for me.

Not sure if these are traits and behavior exclusive to bpd but here's when the switch in my brain started to go off, some highlights:

- She started to tell me that she feels some emptiness inside most of the time and I this is when I started to question everything about her and our relationship.
- I could sense the whole personality change - she was mirroring my behavior. When should would be around other people, she would act differently. She would also act differently with me sometimes, I guess when she wasn't in the mood to mirror my behavior.
- She had many failed relationships and fights with some friends and it was always the fault of those other people. I actually believed this, because she presented herself as smart with integrity, so I was thinking that other people were really that bad to her. I believed her.
- She wanted to ignore going to some places so that some people don't see her. It felt like she had some shame about meeting some people from her social circle by accident.
- She was EXTREMELY sensitive to the words that I was using and my face expressions. She started to accuse me how I was cold because of it. Every time I would told her to chill off, she would rage.
- She was doing the push - pull thing with me and few times I reacted impulsive and left her. She crossed the boundaries and got into my home by force basically. This happened two times. Both times I couldn't kick her out, something inside of me created this intense attachment with her. So both times we "got back" together.
- She became extremely insecure because of her fear that I will leave her and now the reassurance actions that I had to perform were more intensive.
- She was gossiping about other people - then I figured that she is gossiping about myself as well and basically bad mouthing me with her friend. I told her to resolve any issue with me and not to talk behind my back, she told me " don't prohibit me with talking with my friends".
- She accused me couple of times for her health state. I noticed that most of the issues about her life were blamed on other people.
- It felt like she was bullying me into behaving in a certain way. When she couldn't do it, the rage would come up, then accuse me of being impulsive.
- Obvious gaslighting, project her traits on me.

I created an attachment with her I would say and the breakup was pretty harsh. I started to feel like her. It felt like I got all insecurities she had and instability was transferred to me months after breakup. I didn't feel like myself. The confidence that I had before her was gone. She didn't want to resolve the issue we had after months of me pleading - later on I realized she has found a new boyfriend very soon (who btw looks like water-down version of me in the looks, which is interesting). It felt like she was starting to realize that I figured her out as a person and the VERY harsh discard process started.

Few days ago I asked her to be friends, she told me that she can't be friends with someone who is unstable like me (she saw me crying) and basically changed the whole narrative about our relationship, how I was treating her bad and such, which is far from truth. Of course, she also accused me for her current depression.

This made laugh actually, as I noticed the pattern where she is switching partners every 2-3 months after each breakup for the past 5 years. Of course, it was always the problem in her ex who is "unstable".

The lessons:

- Don't ignore all the red flags and gut feeling.
- See if the relationship dynamic is more spontaneous then forced.
- During love bombing phase, be more talkative about future plans, goals.
- Talk about character traits and suggest to a partner to reveal any known character defects, so that both of you can watch and work on those.
- If you decide to ignore a certain red flag, try to talk about it with the partner - if they refuse to talk and ignore why it bothers you, this relationship probably isn't for you.
- Make sure that the other person is feeling comfortable in their own skin and that your love and attention is just an extra thing on top of everything.

[lemon10]

I started to feel intense connection with her from the moment since we met - it was a weird feeling like she had some of the traits of my mom and dad.
We started moving very fast, two weeks after we met, we got in a relationship. I really decided to put my whole self into it - I was telling her basically everything about me, what she should be aware of in a sense, so that we are on the same page. She did the same in a sense.  I was surprised by the amount of "love" she was giving me but it felt so good, like she was loving all of my character. She was definitely more experienced than me in relationships, sex, etc. She was the most playful, fun, kind-hearted girl I've ever met. It felt so good to be around someone who appreciates every part of my personality. We definitely had a lot of traits in common, and at one point she told me that we are like a "puzzle".

After love bombing phase, I started to see some red flags, and my gut feeling was telling me that something is off about this person but I choose to ignore it, because I also felt intense attachment. The more time we've spent, the more time I sensed that this person is hiding something from me. It was just my intuition telling me that this person had some big secrets that she is not relieving to me.

It started to feel like a was caged and I wanted to get to the bottom of it why. I didn't feel like that during the whole love bombing stage. It started to feel like I should be there to feel all of her insecurities about herself. It was like full time job of constant reassurance that "everything is alright" if I just have a slight change of the tone in my voice, face expression or similar. I started to become very anxious with her texting and communication and I would get angry. She was extremely insecure and told me that I'm cold. I felt controlled - so I started to talk with other girls just so that I could feel like I wasn't caged.

Something was simply off for me.

Not sure if these are traits and behavior exclusive to bpd but here's when the switch in my brain started to go off, some highlights:

- She started to tell me that she feels some emptiness inside most of the time and I this is when I started to question everything about her and our relationship.
- I could sense the whole personality change - she was mirroring my behavior. When should would be around other people, she would act differently. She would also act differently with me sometimes, I guess when she wasn't in the mood to mirror my behavior.
- She had many failed relationships and fights with some friends and it was always the fault of those other people. I actually believed this, because she presented herself as smart with integrity, so I was thinking that other people were really that bad to her. I believed her.
- She wanted to ignore going to some places so that some people don't see her. It felt like she had some shame about meeting some people from her social circle by accident.
- She was EXTREMELY sensitive to the words that I was using and my face expressions. She started to accuse me how I was cold because of it. Every time I would told her to chill off, she would rage.
- She was doing the push - pull thing with me and few times I reacted impulsive and left her. She crossed the boundaries and got into my home by force basically. This happened two times. Both times I couldn't kick her out, something inside of me created this intense attachment with her. So both times we "got back" together.
- She became extremely insecure because of her fear that I will leave her and now the reassurance actions that I had to perform were more intensive.
- She was gossiping about other people - then I figured that she is gossiping about myself as well and basically bad mouthing me with her friend. I told her to resolve any issue with me and not to talk behind my back, she told me " don't prohibit me with talking with my friends".
- She accused me couple of times for her health state. I noticed that most of the issues about her life were blamed on other people.
- It felt like she was bullying me into behaving in a certain way. When she couldn't do it, the rage would come up, then accuse me of being impulsive.
- Obvious gaslighting, project her traits on me.

I created an attachment with her I would say and the breakup was pretty harsh. I started to feel like her. It felt like I got all insecurities she had and instability was transferred to me months after breakup. I didn't feel like myself. The confidence that I had before her was gone. She didn't want to resolve the issue we had after months of me pleading - later on I realized she has found a new boyfriend very soon (who btw looks like water-down version of me in the looks, which is interesting). It felt like she was starting to realize that I figured her out as a person and the VERY harsh discard process started.

Few days ago I asked her to be friends, she told me that she can't be friends with someone who is unstable like me (she saw me crying) and basically changed the whole narrative about our relationship, how I was treating her bad and such, which is far from truth. Of course, she also accused me for her current depression.

This made laugh actually, as I noticed the pattern where she is switching partners every 2-3 months after each breakup for the past 5 years. Of course, it was always the problem in her ex who is "unstable".

The lessons:

- Don't ignore all the red flags and gut feeling.
- See if the relationship dynamic is more spontaneous then forced.
- During love bombing phase, be more talkative about future plans, goals.
- Talk about character traits and suggest to a partner to reveal any known character defects, so that both of you can watch and work on those.
- If you decide to ignore a certain red flag, try to talk about it with the partner - if they refuse to talk and ignore why it bothers you, this relationship probably isn't for you.
- Make sure that the other person is feeling comfortable in their own skin and that your love and attention is just an extra thing on top of everything.

[CopingIn717]

Hi lemon. So much of your story is very much the same as mine and I'm encouraged by the fact that you are now in a much better place. I may have missed it in the message, but can you tell me how long the two of you were together?

It started to feel like a was caged and I wanted to get to the bottom of it why. I didn't feel like that during the whole love bombing stage. It started to feel like I should be there to feel all of her insecurities about herself. It was like full time job of constant reassurance that "everything is alright" if I just have a slight change of the tone in my voice, face expression or similar. I started to become very anxious with her texting and communication and I would get angry. She was extremely insecure and told me that I'm cold. I felt controlled - so I started to talk with other girls just so that I could feel like I wasn't caged.

Something was simply off for me.

This was just as in my relationship. Some things just felt "off". There were no overt lies that I could tell, but certain things didn't line up for me. I knew that she had had a rough life and I just chalked it up to not being able to communicate effectively.

- I could sense the whole personality change - she was mirroring my behavior. When should would be around other people, she would act differently. She would also act differently with me sometimes, I guess when she wasn't in the mood to mirror my behavior.
- She had many failed relationships and fights with some friends and it was always the fault of those other people. I actually believed this, because she presented herself as smart with integrity, so I was thinking that other people were really that bad to her. I believed her.
- She became extremely insecure because of her fear that I will leave her and now the reassurance actions that I had to perform were more intensive.
- She was gossiping about other people
- She accused me couple of times for her health state. I noticed that most of the issues about her life were blamed on other people.
- Obvious gaslighting, project her traits on me.

I didn't share all of the line items with you, but did for those above.
I always gave her the benefit of the doubt, against all other evidence, because I couldn't believe that she could ever be anything but the perfect person that I saw daily.
The biggest red flag that I have in looking back is that she had no close friends and no interests of her own. Zero. She would have a friend form work that she'd be with for a few months and talk about how much she liked her. Then one day she'd complain she had no one to do anything with. I'd ask, "What about XXXX?". The answer I'd get back was, Oh, we don't talk anymore. I'd ask what happened and would just get an "I don't know" reply.

I created an attachment with her I would say and the breakup was pretty harsh. I started to feel like her. It felt like I got all insecurities she had and instability was transferred to me months after breakup. I didn't feel like myself. The confidence that I had before her was gone. She didn't want to resolve the issue we had after months of me pleading - later on I realized she has found a new boyfriend very soon (who btw looks like water-down version of me in the looks, which is interesting). It felt like she was starting to realize that I figured her out as a person and the VERY harsh discard process started.

Few days ago I asked her to be friends, she told me that she can't be friends with someone who is unstable like me (she saw me crying) and basically changed the whole narrative about our relationship, how I was treating her bad and such, which is far from truth. Of course, she also accused me for her current depression.

This one really got me as I feel completely broken. I've never felt this way before. I have no confidence, no drive, no ambition. I am simply going through the motions. I feel like I am now the one with the disorder.
While being apart, she has spent the last 4 months telling me she loves me but we just can't be together because of her daughter. However, I found out she's sleeping with her boss so that can't be the reason. Once I confronted her she began to tell me she never loved me and I was crazy and unstable and this was why we're not together. It is such a mindscrew.

[questise]

We were together for about a year.

I know exactly how you feel. How long has been since your break up?

Not sure what's your current situation with her but I could share few tips on how to start feeling like yourself again and regain confidence:

1) No contact is absolutely necessary. During this time, don't get too attached to your identity, it's okay to not feel like yourself and not to feel good. As the times go by, you will start to feel more and more like yourself. Don't try to doctor your emotions too much, because you will endlessly play with the evidence on why you feel that way. Emotions are causes, not effects. I just said to myself, it's okay, I feel like crap right now and it's my mind creating that feeling, it's not gonna last forever. The goal is to feel CALM, without intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Don't require from yourself that you need to feel good.
2) Calm your mind by isolating yourself and spending time without much activities. Do simple stuff. Spend A LOT of time in nature and meditate. Spend time with yourself mostly, your identity doesn't depend on anyone but yourself right now.
3) Realize that people with bpd are using everything in their means to feel something, anything. They would also go to extreme lengths to prove to themselves and construct realities that they are not the one who is sick. It's a all the play of highs and lows and mood swings for them. Realize that your reality is independent from hers and that she fall in love with your reality in the first place. You will get to that reality again, just hold on.
4) It's okay not to have goals and ambition currently. These things will show up. You are not on the chase with anyone.
5) Find enjoyment in procrastination, cartoons, comedy and similar. I realized that waking up this child-like part of myself helped me to not view things so seriously about anything.
6) For the confidence part: It's important to not be too serious about yourself right now. I realized that doing lip syncing with favorite actor's movie lines helped me gain my confidence. It's almost like a comedic act, but for yourself. Try it at some point It's really important to feel loose right now and try to be silly. I tried to add irony and comedy to a lot of things that I do and things around me. It just helps you create mental model in your head that's relaxed about being a human.

[CopingIn717]

Thanks questise.

It's been about 5 months since the breakup. However, during the majority of the time she continued to reach out telling me that she loved me and wished we could be together but she had to do what was best for her daughter. When I questioned what that meant, she would only get angry and lash out. I ended up feeling sorry for her as I just assumed she was going through something so terrible that she couldn't quite put her feelings together.

That all changed when I found out that she has been sleeping with her boss this entire time. The minute that I called her on her lies, deceit and mindgames, she created a completely different history. Over the past 5 months she told me that I was the love of her life, that I never did anything wrong, and that she would always love me. Since calling her out, she's never loved me, hates me now, and I've always been crazy and controlling. My mind is still trying to catch up to the change.

I've gone NC but struggle daily with wanting to send an email detailing every lie and the subsequent proof that it was a lie but my logical mind knows that it won't matter...and it probably won't make me feel better. But it feels like it's caught inside of me with no way out.

I've done a number of things that you've suggested and I'm hopeful that they'll help. Many of these things are out of my comfort zone and are things that a couple of years ago that I'd never dream of doing, but I'm desperate to try anything at this point. Journaling, meditation, walking in the park and sitting on the bench to just take things in, self help pod casts, etc. I've also been seeing a therapist once a week and have been on anti-anxiety medication. I know that it will take time, but I honestly cannot believe the absolute hell and despair that I feel on a daily basis.

[questise]

I know exactly how you feel and I understand that your mind wants to do something at this point, questioning if writing to her would change anything. I was going through the same thing. I did write to her - and every time I did, it was a wrong decision. And it didn't change anything basically, except that it made me look weak minded.
The reason is that other people simply live in different realities from you - and every time you give them attention it will look you are desperate and have nothing else to put your focus on.
Her emotional state is probably totally different than yours - so don't act simply on your emotional state now.

As the time went by no contact, I started to feel proud that I haven't texted her in awhile - she simply didn't deserve my attention. Cheating is something that signifies lack of emotional attachment to you - and without this, it's simply not healthy for you to give her emotional attachment back.

Try not to get inside these soap operas of human relationships for now and if you catch yourself thinking "if this happened, maybe that would happen", tell your mind to "stop" then. You are not missing anything. These relationships teach us that there is more to your life and your being with them - and that's often wrong. She was with you because of who you were WITHOUT HER anyway. Everything is inside you, look inwards and let the time do its thing.

As I said - your ONLY GOAL for now is to calm your mind and to accept your NEW LIFE, start slowly step by step to change your living. Another tip - What really helped me is that I started to change things around my apartment. I painted the walls, I started to renovate my kitchen and such. This gave me the feeling that my life is changing - and it does! It's a new chapter, so let the renovation or simply fixing something in your apartment remind you of your new life.

Sending you much love and peace!