"Ruining" each others' lives

[blue6314]

I just went through a horrific ordeal with a 25 yo woman who I believe has BPD. I want to practice forgiveness, and it would be helpful from this community to understand what happened--and if she has BPD. Thoughts?

I was 44 yo, in a difficult unhappy marriage, and went on SeekingArrangement (SA) in Oct. 2017 where I met Laura, at the time age 23, and we immediately hit it off. She seemed to really like me, even though I was helping her at $300 per meet--meaning, even though our "relationship" was transactional. She is a college drop out and had a string of waitressing jobs and worked at a medical office. We would go for a drink or lunch, then have sex at a hotel.

After 3-4 months, she had a blowout with her roommate and got a new place. We switched to me just covering her $900 rent for a small room in Harlem, and we'd meet 2x week and drink, then go to a hotel. We also texted a lot and acted like bf/gf. She would tell me she wished we could be a couple. I felt like it was a real relationship and I was just helping her out with money.

After 5 months, I learned that she had a history of cutting. Shortly later, we got into a disagreement at a bar and she just walked out and went home--which shocked me--and I found out it was because she went to binge and purge due to the stress when I said maybe we should take some time apart, as we had not been getting along.

Then we went out to dinner in July 2018 and had a silly disagreement and she stopped contacting me for 3 weeks, and went back on SA. I was rocked, because she was my romantic outlet--I felt without her, I was left with the option of cold sugar babies or a loveless marriage. When we reunited, she said she had been overwhelmed by everything, like it was too much. I really had to fight to get her back. Even though I could've gotten another sugar baby, I really felt like we were in love. She said she didn't have sex with others during this time, but I don't believe her.

Around this time, I sense that she has a lack of sexual desire for me. It seemed more exciting for her when we were new and pay per meet. I would ask if she would be happier back on SA or Tinder. In terms of her job, she started going from one waitress job to another, often having personal problems with managers, only working 20 hrs per week while I supported her, sleeping late. One night, I saw that SA was open on her phone. We had plans to see each other the next day, and because of that, I said I did not want to see her. She went to the ER that evening with a panic attack. Because she was on the site, I went back on it too.

A couple months later, she finds out that I had sex with other women on the site. She texts me that she wants to kill herself and she ends up cutting herself three times on the wrist. But she stays with me. She said it was because she loved me, but I think it was the money. Feeling guilty, I bought her a case of wine with an apology note- since she loves to drink - and she went through it really fast. I felt guilty, but I did not trust that she was faithful to me - and the situation was all messed up, anyway.

Still feeling guilty, I suggested I get her her own NYC apartment because I am paying her rent already and spending money on hotels. I thought it would better her life and began paying $1800 per month with the rental starting July 2019. But she was not appreciative, and even complained she did not like the neighborhood (which was better than where she used to live). She never did anything to show she loved or appreciated me, and when I did things for her, she was not appreciative.

I then find out on her phone that she has meetings scheduled for sex with SA guys on July 15, 2019 - just two weeks after getting the apartment! She says it was a mistake, because she was "seeing red" as she was so angry at my cheating, but then two weeks later, I catch her in the apartment with another guy who she met at her job. She acted angry at me, but then a switch flipped and she went into the kitchen and started taking out knives and then walked over to the 5th floor window and was going to jump out before I stopped her. When she came to, she said she was lonely and he was just company.
 
I later learned after we broke up that she had sex twice with a gross guy from the site in July 2019. She went to his hotel room, had sex for 30 min, and then left with money.

Her father died before she was born. She said her mother's boyfriend had molested her sister, but denied it happened to her, but I don't believe it. She seems more comfortable with random sex, and also during sex, she liked to be choked and her nipples bitten very hard. She also would close her eyes and not seem present.

I tried to forgive her after July 2019, but she still displayed a lack of desire so that I had to thirst after her for sex, and I just could not trust her after lies that are too numerous to mention and that she seemed not to respect me. Mind you, all this time, we acted like we were bf/gf, talked about becoming a full time couple, and expressed our love for each other. We did lots of non-sexual things together.

I ended the relationship at Thanksgiving 2019 - she had a meltdown - and had her move out of the apartment on Dec. 31. In December, we go to a bar - I felt really bad about everything - and she then discloses that she has severe bulimia and would binge and purge before and after we spent time together, and would do so multiple times a day. She also said she was self-isolating and not talking to anyone. She further told me no one would love me as deeply as she did.

We were in email contact in January and I asked how she was, and she said she was in "my own reality." I had given her diamond earrings in October 2019 for our anniversary (she did not even give me a card), and she said that she flushed them down the toilet "with my vomit." Even though we were apart, for all intents and purposes, I felt bad about things and was concerned about where she was living, but she would not directly say. I mentioned that I saw her dog's instagram page (3 days after she cheated, I bought her a $1500 dog because I felt bad she was lonely) and it appeared she had a boyfriend because there was a video taken in an apartment with the caption, Daddy says I'm a powerful animal. I believe the Daddy referenced therein is the guy I caught her with in July 2019. Either she reunited with him after Thanksgiving for a place to live or was seeing him all along. Also, in December 2019 she contacted the gross guy for sex (presumably to make some money in advance of her move), but he did not follow up.

Anyway, I only said to Laura that it seemed soon to me to have a bf, but if it made her happy, then I was happy for her. She deleted the word "Daddy" from the post and then wrote an angry email to never contact her again. I did not contact her, but two days later, she called my wife and left an incoherent voice mail message saying that I went out of my way to "ruin" her life.

Now my life is messed up because of my cheating.

I know, this is all a mess. Laura and I are not the best of people. I am trying to fix my marriage and be better.

I am also very angry at Laura for calling my wife. I feel it was vengeful and unnecessary. I want to be able to forgive her so I can move on. I want to forgive myself too. My own therapist mentioned that she sounds like she may be borderline. If so, it helps understand the reason for her actions, as I understand that borderlines practice revenge. Do you think she is BPD?

She also has no close friends and had no long term relationships before she met me. She experiences intense periods of self-blame. Like if we argued, she would argue her position to me like I was wrong, but then when she was alone, she would turn a lot of negative thoughts inward. I also feel like, at some point, she engaged in splitting to make me out to be a very bad person.

Thoughts? I am not trying to judge. I just want to understand.

[blue6314]

No takers?

Although it was at base a sugar relationship, there was a lot of love on my part and I literally supported her for 2 years and treated her like a gf. We said we wanted to get married. Although there was an age difference, I look younger and am handsome.

I was hurt when she tried to destroy my life and hurt my wife. I was no angel, but certainly she was not either.

Just curious if it seems like she has BPD. It would explain matters. I mean, she moved right in with a guy and is now quarantining with him!

[Cromwell]

I know, this is all a mess. Laura and I are not the best of people. I am trying to fix my marriage and be better.

Laura and you, and your wife.

This is where we are at, at this present moment?

[blue6314]

I am still with my wife and trying to fix my marriage.

When I "broke up" with Laura, I was trying to establish some type of friendship. I even paid for her to put her things in storage (not knowing she was with another man at the time). When I mentioned that I saw on instagram that she had a new boyfriend, she freaked out and started phone stalking my wife and told her about the "affair." At that point, Laura hated me and would not explain to me why she did that.

I have felt the desire for revenge against her, but I want to practice forgiveness. Understanding that Laura is damaged - and perhaps has BPD - is helpful in that effort. It makes me think that I was vulnerable and needy, and that I got involved with someone who is not well, and that unfortunate results ensued -- instead of thinking she just wanted to gratuitously destroy my life.

It was a very passionate relationship with Laura, but also very dysfunctional. She was consistently selfish, used me, and was disrespectful. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, but I could not continue with things. Naively, I thought we could part as friends. But then she napalmed everything.

[Cromwell]

You doubt you will get an apology from her, but if you knew she had BPD it would make things better and able to find forgiveness?

I pressupose that telling what happened, someone will be able to say "sounds like BPD, my ex did the same and she was diagnosed"

I know there is more here you mention, wanting to change and be better, and also patch up with your wife. But sticking to detaching and learning - what is the priority in the here and now? How do you feel at this moment in time, what are your needs, how do you feel, how do you think anyone can help?