My partner committed suicide and I feel responsible

[Rational61265]

My girlfriend committed suicide this weekend. We had only been together about 5 months. She moved in with me I know it was fast. But she loved so deeply so passionately. I had never felt that before. However in the last couple of months I know that she would get angry really quick over the smallest things. We have fought the past three weekends and each time she would try to leave and I talked her out of it. this past Saturday night we got into a fight I felt like she was trying to start a fight all day and I had been deflecting all day. We both were drinking at home in bed watching movies.  I was laying in her arms I fell asleep she got up and it looks like she started to pack. I open my eyes and she snap and said I don't have to pretend like I'm sleep or be with her. I thought I was asleep she went from zero to a hundred really fast so I decided to leave the house. She packed her things and took my gun. She called and I answered but she was screaming and I was frustrated so I hung up and put my phone on silent. I didn't see the future calls and text. Last text was that she didn't want to fight just talk she promised I saw it 15 minutes later he responded but it was too late she had already killed herself. Prior to us becoming a couple when we first met I slept with my ex she knew about this because I told her when she still decided to stay with me she said she would let it go but she never did. Talking to my therapist now I know she had BPD. I feel so horrible and I can't forgive for not answering the phone from the moment I asked her to be my girlfriend I was totally faithful to her and with her only I even alienated some friends. I just don't know what to do and I feel all this guilt. She left a letter I said it all she wants to do is love me and she saw the my heart was somewhere else which it wasn't it was with her the whole time

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Rational61265, I just wanted to reach out to let you know you're not alone, and that people here see your post. I know others will come alongside you soon, too.

You did a courageous thing by sharing your feelings of guilt and not knowing what to do. I know what it's like to feel like "if you just did one thing different, they would still be here". That is a huge burden to deal with.

Talking with your therapist is so important, too, and I want to encourage you to continue that, along with posting here.

What else would you like to share with us? We're here for you.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Rational61265:

I'm so sorry about the loss of your partner.  A loss by suicide has to be tough to deal with & also tough for you to share.

You are entitled to have your own boundaries & to leave a heated situation. It's understandable that you would have ignored the text messages for awhile. Usually, the best option can be to let both individuals have a little time to cool off. Sounds like you didn't know she likely had BPD, which can be perplexing to anyone.

I'm suspecting that you didn't think that the gun would be an issue or that she might spontaneously choose to use it.

In a way, you could be helping others by making them think about having weapons in the house.  Those who have weapons should have them locked away & unreachable by any BPD individuals, or emotionally unstable people in the household.

People with emotional dysregulation can be unpredictable.  Even if they haven't had episodes of suicidal ideation, it can be easy for them to spontaneously grab a weapon, should it be available.

[Rational61265]

Thank you,
I didnt know she suffered from BPD. I wouldve gotten her help and definitely done things differently. She was a wonderful partner. Ive never felt so loved by anyone including family. She never felt she had my heart and she did. I was always with her and tried to show her my love. I am struggling with this but it has brought me back to GOD. I am grateful for that. I didnt have a pistol in the house til 3 weeks ago when I noticed everyone buying guns due to Covid and I am in the military so I wanted to protect her if i got called to duty. I wouldve never bought the gun if i knew she had mental health issues.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I am struggling with this but it has brought me back to GOD. I am grateful for that.

I'm glad you are seeking comfort with GOD, during these trying times.  Perhaps, searching the boards here can help you gain a better understanding of BPD and BPD traits.  The positive extremes that people with BPD traits exhibit aren't sustainable for anyone.  Without a lot of effort on their part to improve, they gravitate to the extreme ends of the spectrum of behaviors.

[Skip]

I'm so sorry to hear that your partner has passed.

There are many elements that contribute to suicide. Suicide is a confluence of events, a perfect storm.

Be gentle with yourself. Suicide will have profound affects on our psyche.   Self preservation is instinctual - for most of us, suicide is hard to fully comprehend. It is going to take a long time to process and understand this.

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you,
I didnt know she suffered from BPD. I wouldve gotten her help and definitely done things differently. ...

Sorry for what you're going through.  It sounds like you're taking it pretty hard.

If it's any consolation though, you really can't "get help" for someone with BPD.  The stories here are evidence of that. 

You did what you could, and had no way of knowing she was as unstable as she was, or would be willing to take that ultimate step like that. 

Regardless of what you believe, at least know that her troubles are over now; don't let them become yours. 

[Adrian26]

Thank you,
I didnt know she suffered from BPD. I wouldve gotten her help and definitely done things differently. She was a wonderful partner. Ive never felt so loved by anyone including family. She never felt she had my heart and she did. I was always with her and tried to show her my love.

My dear friend,

I can not imagine how much guilt you must be feeling right now. Please know that this guilt is unfair. You did not know she had BPD, and even if you had known, the problems with self-loathing, trauma and bouts of extreme depression are part of her personal road that she's been travelling for years. The damage that has been done to her was not yours. You could not have prevented this, it has been building up for a long while, years before you came along. Your actions and faithfulness did not cause this. You would have made a great and safe home for her and judging from your story I believe you provided her that as much as anyone could have.
Had she not been troubled the way she your actions would not have even led to this outcome remotely. Love her memory for the wonderful times you spent together. If only you two had met in another life.
Remember her as someone you're grateful for to have spend time with, even though how preciously short it was. I'd believe it would be best to honor her memory by focusing on how she made you happy, instead of polluting it with unfair guilt. I think she would have very much liked to know she made someone's life a little happier, and it's the biggest compliment and greatest rest you can give her.

Text anytime you feel down. You're not guilty and you're not alone.