New here having quarantine issues

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all! I’m new and I’m quarantined with my husband with BPD. I don’t know if this is allowed here, but he’s also an alcoholic. Unfortunately with the truck shortages he has been off one of his meds for about 10 days (but it’s coming in tomorrow! Yay!). The past three days have been absolute hell. He goes from snuggling me and telling me he loves me to in an instant all kinds of terrible things. This happens most frequently at night. He will kick me awake to yell. I don’t engage. However I did explode two days ago after he had slept all day and got up at 8 and told me his dinner was cold and I called him a ‘lazy POS’ so of course I’m a terrible person and nothing he does matters now because I said that. Last night we were watching tv and I rubbed his back. Then I went in to make dinner. When I was done he was incoherent/semi passed out on the couch. So I put his plate on a table next to him and sat down to eat my dinner. He started mumbling something then sat up, called me a b word and knocked my food off my plate onto the floor. After that I retreated into the bedroom. He came in later to start his nightly raging. I put a pillow over my head and curled up in the corner of the bed. The worse part is we have two young kids who can undoubtedly hear him. I did not engage. I don’t know what I need. I feel like I’m in hell. He took off his wedding ring and told me he never loved me. I don’t understand what I did. I’m so stressed because I have to do everything. Work from home, school with the kids, work around the house, TRY to get his meds, figure out how to pay the bills, etc. I have no help. And my partner is about 80% of the time raging at me. I try SO HARD not to set him off, but I can literally be asleep and he gets set off. I’m hoping things will improve when he has his meds. I KNOW I shouldn’t let it hurt me but it does. He also accuses me of crazy things. He can’t seem to tell reality from his dreams. He also has a history of psychosis so I don’t know if that’s happening or not. I’m sorry this is so long. I feel so alone. I can’t tell anyone what’s happening. I feel like a terrible mother too because when he’s awake I have to spend all my energy on him and I’m allowing my children to see me being treated like this. Anyway, sorry. I just needed to get some of this out.

[Stella Blue]

Hello all! I’m new and I’m quarantined with my husband with BPD. I don’t know if this is allowed here, but he’s also an alcoholic. Unfortunately with the truck shortages he has been off one of his meds for about 10 days (but it’s coming in tomorrow! Yay!). The past three days have been absolute hell. He goes from snuggling me and telling me he loves me to in an instant all kinds of terrible things. This happens most frequently at night. He will kick me awake to yell. I don’t engage. However I did explode two days ago after he had slept all day and got up at 8 and told me his dinner was cold and I called him a ‘lazy POS’ so of course I’m a terrible person and nothing he does matters now because I said that. Last night we were watching tv and I rubbed his back. Then I went in to make dinner. When I was done he was incoherent/semi passed out on the couch. So I put his plate on a table next to him and sat down to eat my dinner. He started mumbling something then sat up, called me a b word and knocked my food off my plate onto the floor. After that I retreated into the bedroom. He came in later to start his nightly raging. I put a pillow over my head and curled up in the corner of the bed. The worse part is we have two young kids who can undoubtedly hear him. I did not engage. I don’t know what I need. I feel like I’m in hell. He took off his wedding ring and told me he never loved me. I don’t understand what I did. I’m so stressed because I have to do everything. Work from home, school with the kids, work around the house, TRY to get his meds, figure out how to pay the bills, etc. I have no help. And my partner is about 80% of the time raging at me. I try SO HARD not to set him off, but I can literally be asleep and he gets set off. I’m hoping things will improve when he has his meds. I KNOW I shouldn’t let it hurt me but it does. He also accuses me of crazy things. He can’t seem to tell reality from his dreams. He also has a history of psychosis so I don’t know if that’s happening or not. I’m sorry this is so long. I feel so alone. I can’t tell anyone what’s happening. I feel like a terrible mother too because when he’s awake I have to spend all my energy on him and I’m allowing my children to see me being treated like this. Anyway, sorry. I just needed to get some of this out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stella Blue]

Update: he just got up and apologized. Here comes the honeymoon phase. Until tonight. Then hell starts again.

[formflier]

So sorry this has been going on.  Especially the getting kicked awake to listen to rage. 

How often does that kind of thing happen?  Do you normally get a good nights sleep?

I see your pwBPD gets meds.  Is their any kind of counseling he participates in? 

I'll check back soon to see your reply.  Hang in there!

Best,

FF

[Stella Blue]

Thank you for the reply. He goes through phases where it happened a lot then it calms down again

He is not in counseling but is on 4 different medications.

Yesterday was good, no incidents, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Blue Monday]

Really sorry to hear this, what you're going through sounds so difficult. I know you know this, but remember his actions are not about you.

Having said that, it's SOO difficult to not let it get to you, I'm in that place right now.

I'm lucky in that I have a place to go to get some head space. Do you have any options for somewhere to go with the kids? Are you safe there? Is he safe on his own?

Only you can make the call about what to do because you know the situation best.

It helped me to know the bottom line of what options I had, should I feel unsafe. Do you know this?

[Stella Blue]

I don’t know how much abuse I can put up with

[Frannie Fay]

I don’t know how much abuse I can put up with

Oh my gosh I wish I could come over and hug you...you and I are in the same boat, though your boat sounds a lot more scary than mine. Geez...it's guilt isn't it? Or is it? We fell in love with these men, and we want to keep our relationships going. we effing love the sob's...we put up with so much garbage...they apologize, we soften and they do it all over again. It's enough to make you break down and weep...and don't be fooled, it messes with our self-esteem...it's insanity and honestly I didn't sign up for that.

I've had my own issues. I had a burnout, I've had terrible panic and anxiety disorder, I've had depression. BUT...I've helped myself. I've gone to therapy and I've been on meds (in the past, now it's natural remedies)...and I didn't allow myself to be in a relationship until I got better (18 years alone)...

And I've wandered into a BPD. I fell in love with him. He's crossed the line tonight (pathetic that it took 7 years) and I want to leave him. The GUILT is killing me.

What are you going to do Stella?

[Wanda]

 
I am not on here often . I guess I am an oldie but goody I have been married 22 years to a bpd husband and it to was hell at first. My husband is a recovered alcoholic .
All our kids are grown up and out. During this time with the virus it is expecially hard on our S/o and us so
I know what you are going through . Luckily for us we both still
Work out side homes but he has slowed down . I hope when he gets back on meds he’ll be better for u . Because who knows how long you’ll be working from home .

[Stella Blue]

Thanks all. It’s hard to get on here to much because I have to do everything around the house plus work from home. So sorry for that! Frannie Fay, I’m also sorry you are going through this. It is some guilt and some love I think. I’m frustrated as hell right now because he just sleeps all the time while I make all the meals, do school with the kids, AND work from home. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I wish I had some answers.

He is back on the meds now. They seem to be helping somewhat already. He hasn’t raged at me at night anyway...