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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: A very long week but still moving forward  (Read 366 times)
Woolspinner2000
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« on: April 18, 2020, 09:40:49 PM »

The past two weeks have been tough. Lots of texts from DH. Some, if not most, are not important, but they do serve the purpose of keeping me engaged with him. My T keeps telling me It will continue to get worse. As usual he was right.

Three weeks ago we listed our house. At two weeks DH texted that if I wanted to sell the house, we'd need to drop the price $10k. That was on top of the other drama inducing texts. By the realtor's recommendation, we moved forward with that decision, and then had a lot of showings and finally two offers. They were identicle and very low. Long story short, one couple did come up a small amount towards our counter, and DH wanted to accept that, even though I felt it was perfectly fine to counter again. He started to bully me in a group text with our realtor. For me, that was the last straw. Now I am anxious to be done and looking forward to creating as much distance as I can. I know that the facts are that it's good we sold the house, especially in this uncertain economy. My feelings are slower to catch up though.

I hadn't counted on the memories of when we built our house 21 years ago assaulting me in the present- I had never dealt with them. There was hurt and sadness that the suggestions I made about the house were pushed down or told that they were too expensive or not practical or something. Yet he spent thousands on other things in the house that he wanted. I remember feeling as if my jaw was on the floor listening to him order different very expensive things on/for the house that he wanted, and him reasoning each one out. I knew then, even before I had any idea or T, that I was feeling unheard, manipulated and controlled. I just didn't have the words to define it or to put a finger on it back then. Maybe that's why the memories, now understood and defined, are coming back with these final goodbyes and grief for our house. I learned to live there and be satisfied, even happy sometimes, and the house was a blessing to me overall. But seeing the heartbreak is also a part of the goodbye.

I did some things that I could have control over this week. I changed my mailing address with the Post Office, updated my mailing address with the credit card companies and the banks. I am making some plans to arrange for help to move out my furniture. I am doing what I consciously can to keep placing one foot in front of the other.

Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2020, 10:12:53 PM »

Hey, Wools. Glad to hear that the house is selling. One less tie. Sounds like it wasn’t an ideal situation, and that maybe there’s a bit of competition, for lack of better words, left in you to be heard when it comes to making important decisions. Have I heard you correctly? Sounds like you understand that everything will be a battle with him regardless of wrong or right. It’s simply his personality and the baggage that is attached to it.

He’s invalidated you so much along the way. I know that doesn’t cover up the feelings that you feel when you look back on 21 years when you first started to build what should’ve been your family refuge. Your home. I’m sorry.

It sounds like you’re doing well with getting your things in order to keep moving forward. That’s all we can do sometimes.

I know that you’re grieving your home and that it is hard. I also know that you now have the freedom to make your own home. It will look and smell just the way you want it to.

How long before everything is final?
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
l8kgrl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 103


« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2020, 10:42:59 PM »

Hi Wools,

I'm sorry, it sounds like the exchanges with your ex have been stressful. And the process of selling a home can be hard in the best of the circumstances.

My ex-husband recently sold the home that we bought together many years ago, that we had our kids in, that I had fixed up for us, that he stayed in after we divorced. (My ex-H does not have BPD, I'm on this site bc of my ex-bf.)

It was pretty emotional for me when "our" place sold and he and the kids moved out.

I don't know if this is part of it for you or not, but for me it brought up a lot of grief over the hopes and excitement that I had back when we bought the place and were just starting out our family. Like you said, homes hold all kinds memories, good and bad, and it can be very bittersweet letting go.

I hope that you are able to feel at peace with the sale. And that this next phase for you brings many good things.
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