I think my partner has undiagnosed BPD and I want to talk to him about it

[theonionwitch]

I am a 30 yo female with a 32 yo male partner of 6 years. We have a 5 year old daughter and we live and work together.  For the duration of our relationship we have experienced the same cyclical fights that drain us both of energy for days with very loving and friendly periods between. We share interests and goals, compliment each other well in our work (when things are good), and I feel kind, empathetic love from him frequently. Our big issues are centered around my criticism of his bad habits leading to escalation, denial, deflection, and rage “blackouts” coupled with seemingly random stress related outbursts. He has crossed numerous lines that I said would be deal breakers and yet I love him and have some  (perhaps slightly irrational) faith. The good is so good that when the bad ends I’m just relieved to put it behind us so I can focus on my daughter, my wellness, my business. Our relationship started fast and hard and over time I started to realize the connections between his abnormal behaviors and his inability to reflect on or change them. I am afraid to propose the idea that he may be struggling with BPD as I feel he may dismiss this. I believe he is the impulsive type. I am looking for advice on bringing this up to someone whose frequent defense tactics when feeling  criticized by me are all-or-nothing speech, gaslighting, physical escalation (chasing me from room to room, trapping me for hours to incoherently rage at me, often breaking things) followed by a depressive trancelike state, then exhaustion,  sleep, little memory of the rage. I am no longer feeling confused by manipulation and gaslighting. With that fog lifted,  I am clearer on what is happening but even more terrified. When I believed it was my fault, I believed in my own power to fix it. Now that I am seeing more clearly, I know that it is not within my control, not by a long shot. I do not want to participate in this hellish bi-weekly plunge into unnecessary pain and drag my sweet daughter along with me. I want to save my relationship but I’m not willing to risk my daughter’s mental health for much longer. I feel as if I am devoting so much energy just to *exist* within this relationship. Energy that I should have for my daughter and myself  that is tied up in near constant conflict or damage control. (Tbh I have so much more good love reserves for my partner that he doesn’t ever see because I simultaneously fear him.) Thank you for reading and any responses  <3

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