Dealing with child's diagnosis

[Parents! Get help here!]

My lovely child suddenly became a different person when she turned 15.  We didn't know what was going on with her and didn't know how to deal with it for over 2 years.  Last month she was admitted to hospital and a psychiatrist diagnosed her as having BPD.  However, another psychologist (at a different hospital) said they are unsure but suspect she has ADHD.  My husband and I are grieving over the loss of the child we had.  We are also dealing with disappointments and challenges of being her parents.  She is hostile towards us and would not accept instructions, counsel nor help from us. We can't sit down and discuss any issues or even plan for her.  We don't quite know what to do going forward. 

[Batam]

My lovely child suddenly became a different person when she turned 15.  We didn't know what was going on with her and didn't know how to deal with it for over 2 years.  Last month she was admitted to hospital and a psychiatrist diagnosed her as having BPD.  However, another psychologist (at a different hospital) said they are unsure but suspect she has ADHD.  My husband and I are grieving over the loss of the child we had.  We are also dealing with disappointments and challenges of being her parents.  She is hostile towards us and would not accept instructions, counsel nor help from us. We can't sit down and discuss any issues or even plan for her.  We don't quite know what to do going forward. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Batam

Glad you found this forum...but sorry you felt the need to.

How confusing to hear one diagnosis from one psychiatrist then a different one from another.  Bottom line, though, whatever is the correct one, these are very troublesome times for you...for her...and you are wanting/needing help.

I fully understand when you write that you are "dealing with disappointments and challenges of being her parents."   You are trying your absolute best, all the time wondering if there is more you could be doing.

Needless to say, in our present time, so many services have shut down.  This makes it all the more difficult to follow through on treatments.

Have you, her parents, ever had the chance to go to counselling yourselves to help find ways to better deal with her behaviours?  Have any of her doctors prescribed medications for her?

Hope you take the time to look through the information that is on this website...with links to more.  Sometimes little changes we make when in conversation with them can make a difference.  It is all trial and error...no shortcuts.

Hope also, Batam, that you continue to share. 

Huat

[livednlearned]

Hi Batam,

I wanted to join Huat in welcoming you. Have you had a chance to read Blaise Aguirre's book BPD in Adolescence? That can be a wonderful stepping off point when we discover a BPD teen might have the disorder. Aguirre really helped me put into perspective where the field of child psychiatry falls on the topic of diagnosis, too. Were you and your husband part of the evaluation process? Sometimes family members can offer a level of insight that the experts cannot possibly hope to gain on their own.

The grief of losing your child to this disorder cannot be understated, and it can be processed. My BPD loved one is a step child but grieving her mental illness reminds me of the grief I felt discovering my son (18) was on the spectrum (ASD). Once the grief is processed there are many paths forward and things begin to take shape and look up, even though our kids will never be neurotypical.

Is your daughter home from the hospital at the moment? Was she told she might have BPD?

[smomruby]

I totally get it!
We went to one residential and they said BiPolar, severe PTSD and Eating Disorder. We already had a diagnosis of ADHD, Anxiety, Depression. Then we went to another place and they said NOT Bipolar but PBD. Another shrink agrees with the BPD.  Her current therapist doesn't agree with BPD, but thinks mostly PTSD and attachment issues.
WTF? It's very confusing. Where we live there is almost no services so its not like I can just change where we go to get more opinions. Don't know who to believe.
School thinks she's doing "just fine"- and by fine they mean failing 3 out of 5 classes and spends half the day in the nurse or guidance? How is that fine?