Forgiveness

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have observed from the emotion of posts here that it is often hard getting over relationships with pwBPD. I imagine it is because of how they can really pull us in and then seem to easily discard us.

I think the key for moving past them is forgiveness—to them for the bad things they have done, which are a product of illness, and to ourselves for the shame of feeling like we were used, abused and taken advantage of.

Do you agree? And how have you addressed these issues?

[blue6314]

I have observed from the emotion of posts here that it is often hard getting over relationships with pwBPD. I imagine it is because of how they can really pull us in and then seem to easily discard us.

I think the key for moving past them is forgiveness—to them for the bad things they have done, which are a product of illness, and to ourselves for the shame of feeling like we were used, abused and taken advantage of.

Do you agree? And how have you addressed these issues?

[l8kgrl]

Hi blue,

I can only speak for myself, obviously, but for me I think the challenge is more the latter - needing to forgive myself for the shame. I'm understanding to a fault of others' limitations.

The other part that I find challenging is trying to make sense of a very confusing situation. I believe that it's easier to move on from something once you can tell yourself a coherent story about it, and for me, the story goes way beyond "he had uBPD." Trying to make sense of the good, the bad, what I think was "real" or not, that takes some time. Although I know I'll never have definitive answers, I need to come to my own understanding that I can live with.

How about you? Which part feels more important to you? or difficult? Forgiving yourself or your partner?

[JNChell]

Forgiveness is a personal thing. Society often makes us feel like it is something that is owed. Maybe it depends on where you’re coming from. Do you want to forgive to make someone else feel better? Do you want to forgive to feel better yourself? Do you feel like you can effectively do those things and walk away without any unfinished business?

It’s not that easy, friend. It takes time and work. A whole lot of patience as well. Forgiveness is on your mind.

What would you like to forgive?

[Attic]

Thanks for posting this topic.  Forgiveness has not worked for me yet.  I know I want to achieve it in order to let go.

What put me back and what puts me back is contact with this person.  I have not given myself a chance to fully forgive yet, each contact confuses and hurts me.

Hi blue,

I can only speak for myself, obviously, but for me I think the challenge is more the latter - needing to forgive myself for the shame. I'm understanding to a fault of others' limitations.

I agree and have I felt the same way.  I'm ashamed I have put myself through this.  For me there is an addiction to the trauma bond, to the hurt and pleasure this person represents to me.  It doesn't make logical sense to me, but it is a very strong addiction.

I think before forgiveness of any kind can truly happen, you have to get healthy.  Everything I see tells me this means no contact with the BPD person.

[daze507]

I think before forgiveness of any kind can truly happen, you have to get healthy.  Everything I see tells me this means no contact with the BPD person.

There is no moving on if there is still contact with them. So, sometimes, it's not easy if not even impossible because there are childs and/or financial issues involved but if there is none of that, cut it out man and do it fast.

[blue6314]

It is more challenging to forgive myself. I beat myself up for getting involved with her and putting up with what I did. I analogize it to a plane crash in which you lose loved ones. It’s so easy to study the crash, why it happened, how it could’ve been prevented, which conveniently lets you avoid grieving. On a certain level, all that matters is that there was a crash and a loss.

I believe I need to forgive her and myself to move on.
I’m not there yet on either front. I wanted a “nice” breakup but it was anything but—a lot of hurt instead. It’s difficult ...

[daze507]

I think you don't have to only forgive yourself, you also have to look into yourself the reason why you put up with all that crap.
In my case, all this made me realize I was codependent, I needed that person to make me feel I was worth more than nothing and BPD are exceptionally good at that, that's why they pick us and that's why we get hooked. Had I not have these issue, I would have told her to get the f*ck out here after the second PLEASE READ-test, without a doubt, there are reasons I did nothing.
There is rarely a nice breakup with BPDs just because they're not on the same plane as we are, they never were even during the love-bombing phase. You have to make your own closure and understand you deserve someone whon will reciprocate your love on a healthy way, there is none of that with a BPD, in fact, they don't reciprocate sh*t, it always goes one way in their mind.

[blue6314]

You are correct. I think self forgiveness involves forgiving oneself for the weakness and lack of perspective that can cause  enmeshment in unhealthy relationships.

It is interesting that the DSM broadly encompasses unstable relationships. But it seems the specifics of this are: selfishness (always their needs getting met), lies, narcissism, promiscuity, ghosting and silent treatment, using people, being charming and manipulative, and others...

[daze507]

Yeah, I think the important thing is not what happened in the past but what lessons you will get from it and how you will improve yourself now. I mean, the past is over and there is no going back so why spend any mental energy over it? It's done.
Let's prove ourselves however that it will never happen again. This is our goal now. Think about it, our ex PBDs will live the same hell for their whole life (if they don't seek treatment), they don't have the one chance we have, the one to make our lives better.
We can be happy if we decide to, they cannot.

[Timberwolf]

To be perfectly honest forgiveness is for yourself. I have forgiven mine and been generous  to a fault, only to get kicked in the face over and over again. Sadly they live a parasitic lifestyle and care about no one but themselves. I don’t mean this as a criticism but it’s the way a small child would only care about themselves, I don’t believe that they have the emotional development to do otherwise. Not without treatment at least.

[blue6314]

Forgiveness is mostly for oneself, in order to stop lamenting the abuse incurred and over tolerance and bad decisions made.

I also want to forgive the BPD because it makes it less personal.

For me, to pick up on what you just wrote, a defining BPD characteristic is how they act like they care, but it is all about THEM. They will screw you over in a heartbeat. Sad but true. I wonder why ... perhaps it is their emptiness and how they turn on us ...

[clvrnn]

I agree with the self-forgiveness concept. Looking back, how many of us, knowing what we know now, would entertain the treatment we received? Would we stay so long? Personally, I wouldn't.

I think it's about forgiving your past self for entering and remaining in such a situation, and perhaps forgiveness for the other person can come later, I don't know.

While forgiveness is a nice idea, I've never been sure if we should forgive those who hurt us.

[daze507]

Do we really have to forgive ourselves? What did we do wrong in the end aside from loving and trusting a psychopath who exploited our weeknesses? Yes we purposely ignored all the red flags. Yes we endured the senseless drama and sh*t-tests when we should not have. What is our fault in the end, to have believed in something and to have done our best to make it work? I say f*ck it we have nothing to forgive.

When it comes to them however, make to mistake, they perfectly know what they did to us and the thruth is that they don't give a damn. They are sick in their head, granted, but it's not an excuse to screw up people after people. I don't know, I think it's up to each of us to decide, as far as I am concerned I cannot forgive someone I don't know, who even was that person in the end?
Still I'm granted for the lesson and acknowledge the fact needed that slap in the face to start looking at what's wrong with me.
Now, let's try to remove these sick individuals from our mind, the exact same way they did with us, forever.

[Sluggo]

For me much of my peace came learning about BPD and my dysfunction... the dependency.   I learned a lot with Dr. Childres book Foundations. 

[l8kgrl]

No one has to forgive if they don't want to. And if you're not ready to forgive, don't try to force yourself.

I don't think to forgive means excusing someone's behavior or how they hurt you.

I agree with Timberwolf, forgiveness is for you, not your ex. It's about letting go, not condoning.

You should do whatever brings you peace, and what that is today may not be what it is tomorrow.