I’m experiencing a crisis.

[JNChell]

I don’t know where this came from, but I have strong feelings about ending my life tonight. I feel awful about bringing this here, but I’m scared and I don’t feel well. I should be well past this. Sometimes the feelings just come on so strong. I’m so tired of dealing with this PLEASE READ every day of my life. It’s exhausting. I’m so tired. I try to be optimistic and give good advice. I’m just so tired of carrying this god damned weight that my parents placed on me. They’re dead. Resting peacefully. I’m stuck with what they did. I’m so tired of it. I can’t have a normal life. I’m very confused.

[Butane]

JNChell,

I don't know about your story. I really wanted to reply to you though. You sound like you are near the end of your rope tonight. Please remember though, that the feelings WILL pass.

I've never been suicidal, but there was one night (one of the worst of my life)... my H had revealed to me the depth of his betrayal. That night I literally cried all night, praying out loud that God could make me fall asleep and let me never wake up. It was truly awful. But it passed.

Tomorrow things will look different, no?

[JNChell]

I just feel really bad. I can’t describe it. I’m just tired of not feeling good. I’ve tried so hard and done so much work, now I’m crashing and burning. I feel terrible. I feel like PLEASE READ. I don’t feel like I’ll ever come out of this. It’s very acute right now. I’m a slouch and a loser for this. I’m out of energy for it.

[Butane]

My road to restoring my own mental wellness has been going on for a couple of years now. We had series of traumas, and much rage, verbal abuse and "crazy" things he did.
It is a long, hard road, full of ups and downs. It sucks when it seems like all the work a person has done STILL hasn't totally fixed things.

For you, when you're not feeling terrible like today, how well do you usually cope and get on with things?

[Butane]

If you are totally out of energy right now, it might be a good time to

1) go to bed
2) get energized by a cold walk outside
3) distract yourself with a shower, watching a comedian, or putting on a comedy movie.

[JNChell]

I don’t really know. Right now it all just feels fake. I’ve adopted what feels like bs. In times like this it just feels fake. I know what my reality is. I’m damaged and I will always be damaged. It’s exhausting to fight that. I’m tired.

[JNChell]

Thank you Butane. I appreciate it. I’m just having a hard time making sense of everything. I don’t see my place in it all. I’m more of a burden than an asset in this world. Damaged goods. I’m full of trauma. I don’t know what else I could offer if the trauma wasn’t there. It seems like that’s all I have anymore. That’s no way to live. It’s so loud. It hurts and I’m tired of it.

[JNChell]

Wake tomorrow full of shame and guilt for bringing this here? It’d be a repeat. I’m tired of the repeat. I just want to get away from it.

[Butane]

JNChell,
Are you up and about for the new day?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, JNChell.

Bringing this here is exactly the purpose of a support group. You reached out, and I am glad you did.

How are you feeling today?

Please check in with us when you can. We're here

[Methuen]

Hi JNChell

I can't imagine what this is like for you.  I haven't experienced what you are going through right now, so I am not going to pretend...

I am just here to support.  We want you to stay with us.

Like Butane says though, this too shall pass.  It's acutely painful right now, but it's a "feeling", and just like the feeling "came", it will also "go".  

I’m full of trauma. I don’t know what else I could offer if the trauma wasn’t there

Yes you have trauma.  You are not alone JNChell.  Trauma is everywhere.  It is in victims of fire, flood, Covid, War (Syrian's), immigrants fleeing horrors, as well as victims of all kinds of abuse.  So what I am saying is that you have lots of company, and are not alone.

You will get through this.  

To put your quote on its head, how about thinking about this differently?  Instead of thinking of yourself as being damaged, would it help to think of it as making you "more human" because of your experience?  Look at it this way, because of your experience, you can actually help others heal because you and they share something that others don't.  Inotherwords, it becomes an opportunity to make a positive difference in the life of others, because you understand them.  And you do that every day when you post encouraging words of support here.

It might not feel like it's possible to feel anything positive right now, but those are feelings that will pass because feelings don't last forever.  The fact is, your life experience has led you to this board where you make a difference for someone every day.  Differences don't always have to be big. They can be small differences.  And while we don't always know it, the small differences we make for others can lead to big differences for them.  And if that doesn't feel authentic to you right now, it's ok because the feeling will pass.  What's important, is that you care enough about helping others to make the posts you do.  That is important work, and without it from people like you, this forum couldn't be sustainable, and new members wouldn't get help.

When you are well, what brings you joy?  Horses?  Western movies?  Cowboying?  Animals?  Nature?

I'm wondering if reconnecting to something that you enjoyed before this feeling overcame you, could kickstart the brain chemistry to go back to baseline.  Physical activity also does that for me.  Just something to help this feeling you are experiencing pass a little quicker right?

Keep posting JNChell.  We're here for you.  Tell us what helps and what doesn't if you feel like it.

[JNChell]

I’m fine. Slept it off. Talked to my doctor and he said to stop taking the meds that he prescribed. Perhaps they haven’t been helping like I thought they were. I don’t understand how I got that low. I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt worse. It was out of nowhere. I sincerely apologize. Thanks for reaching out.

[Methuen]

Holy, I've heard of those reactions to medications.

Good to hear that's what is was!  Thanks for the update.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi JNChell,

I am glad you talked to your doctor. It did occur to me that this could be a result of medication. One of the worst depressive/suicidal episodes I ever had was due to an antidepressant I was taking that turned out to not be right for me at all.

Did you say you are on a break from therapy? Have you considered going back to it? I know you said somewhere else that emdr is not available in your area, but there are other trauma-focused therapies (Rapid Resolution, Somatic Experiencing, just to name a couple) that may benefit you.

Trauma does not have to be forever. With the right therapy and the right therapist, I believe that there is hope in overcoming it and being released from the daily struggle of it.

I hope you are able to find a medication that works for you as well without these kinds of results. Unfortunately, as we discussed before, this sometimes happens because antidepressants are not an exact science and there is lots of trial and error. Will you be following up with your doctor?

[Cromwell]

I’m fine. Slept it off.

Good to hear. well done. 

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.   

I am glad to hear you woke up feeling better and have a likely cause for such a drastic change in how you have been feeling.   I had a similar experience when I abruptly stopped taking a particular antidepressant (forget the name) and it was 2 weeks of hell to get through.  Being able to link it to a cause made a huge difference in terms of being able to hold on to the fact that what I was feeling was temporary.

At the risk of sounding like a "don't worry be happy PollyAnna flag waving club member" (!) there are a few things to take a look at when you get through this period.  Not now, but when you are in an even better place, take a look at where your mind went when feeling this way.  Drug induced or not, I think there may be some thought distortions going on.  No worries there though, we all do it and it goes hand in hand with depression and trauma recovery.  The key is to see if you can identify the distortions and then learn how to untwist them.  (I put links at the bottom of this post.  Let's dig in when you are ready.)

Now all that said... my friend do not apologize for coming here for support.  You did the right thing.  Reading your posts, this stuck out for me: 

I’m just so tired of carrying this god damned weight that my parents placed on me. They’re dead. Resting peacefully. I’m stuck with what they did. I’m so tired of it. I can’t have a normal life. I’m very confused.

Ugh.  I know this well.  It seemed(s) so unfair that it is over for my parents and I am still struggling... and they never had a clue about the damage they caused or how sick they were.   

What if I told you we can get to a place where we can put that load down?  I am not saying I am there all the time, but I am there more often than not.  I think the feelings you express here will wax and wane as a part of life... and yes, that sucks too.  It is what it is... and yes, sometimes I hate that phrase.


POLL: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Burns MD
Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking - Burns MD

[JNChell]

I Am Redeemed. I’ve heard about this when it comes to medication. I went through the initial loading phase and thought that things were pretty good. I don’t understand the sudden drop last night. I’ve thought about every variable. It has to be the meds.

I am on a break from therapy. Yes, I plan to resume it. I had to see where I was without it.

I’m, again, very skeptical about meds. There is no proof that the meds caused me to break down like that, but deductive reasoning says something different. I got very low, very fast without a trigger. That scares me.

[JNChell]

Harri, thank you. You’re right. I have more crap to process. I just don’t know how much more there is. I thought that I’ve spilled it all.

Thought distortions are obviously present. When I hit bottom last night, I emotionally punished myself. I degraded myself to the point of wanting to end things. I have been very mindful about realizing that bad feelings are temporary. Like I said, I don’t really know what happened last night. I called a hotline, which is something I’ve never done.

I know that there is a better way. Like I said, I fell into a whole last night that I didn’t see coming. No triggers. I’ve been doing really well, so I don’t understand what happened.

[I Am Redeemed]

Okay. So, let's look at the good things here. I see you saying you emotionally punished yourself for your own feelings. But, let's look at your responses to that:

1) You called a hotline

2) You posted here for support

3) You alerted your doctor to what you experienced

Those are all acts of self-care, JNChell, and they are victories. You had a crisis, and you responded with tangible acts of self-care. That is awesome 

Somewhere, somehow, you have learned to respond in healthy ways to unhealthy symptoms in yourself, and that shows much progress. I am proud of you.

I think that a running theme for many of us who experienced neglect and abuse is that we feel fundamentally undeserving of the grace and compassion we would extend to another in the same position. You felt one way (I am bad/wrong/shameful/fill-in-the-blank for feeling these things) but you acted in a different way (I need help/support and I am going to ask for it). That is huge.

I hope you do get back into therapy. Sometimes we may think we have processed all the memories, but there still may be a general overhang of feelings that are driving our triggers. Also, and I don't know if your therapist got into this with you, but trauma survivors can have attachment issues that may need to be addressed in addition to processing the trauma. My T says trauma is like an onion. There are many layers to be peeled, and some of them may surprise you because you didn't even know they were there or how they are contributing to the way your emotions and nervous system respond to the environment around you.

I hope you continue to reach out when you need help.

[JNChell]

Hi, IAR. My therapist didn’t go into attachment issues. When I would become emotional and start to cry, she would redirect me. I didn’t get it, but I put my trust in what she was doing. I’m not so sure that this was right.

The trauma and the underlying affects suck. There is no questioning that. I’m afraid of meds now. I was much better off without them. I tried them and things started to feel good. Then the bottom fell out. I want nothing to do with those pills ever again.

Trauma is most certainly like an onion. I wonder where it ends, though. That’s the hopeless part. When does it stop being so loud?

[Woolspinner2000]

JNChell,

  Can I just sit with you quietly and give you a hug and offer someone to be there with you? Whatever you're feeling, I don't mind.

Now on to the subject of Meds. Meds can be a challenge. Once my daughter hopped from antidepressant to antidepressant when she was in college. I couldn't say much as she was an adult, but I tried. We now know this was when her Lyme disease was actually getting pretty bad. In 6 weeks she tried 9 antideppressant meds. She ended up suicidal and had to stop them all and slowly go back to what we knew worked. Now she is aware enough that she calls for help when she even thinks she's going there to a scary mental place.

There is a cheek swab DNA test that will tell you what drugs will work, what definitely won't work, what might work, and what will be harmful to you. We offer the test at the physician's office where I work so I am aware of it. There are physicians who will perform the test, most likely an integrative medical doctor, and then it's sent to a lab for the study. It has been effective in eliminating the trial and error and scares like what you had.

I can assure you the trauma heaviness gets less and less as you heal. There are times of triggers, yes, but they're so much less frequent than those initial months of T. Look at how far you've come! I think it's amazing.

Well, guess I didn't sit too quietly with you now, did I? Sorry. Well, I'll be quiet now. Still here keeping you company.

 
Woolzie

[Cromwell]

I’m afraid of meds now. I was much better off without them. I tried them and things started to feel good. Then the bottom fell out. I want nothing to do with those pills ever again.

Did you take them as prescribed?

taking half a pill is not the same as halving the doseage.

[Harri]

How are you doing today?

Harri, thank you. You’re right. I have more crap to process. I just don’t know how much more there is. I thought that I’ve spilled it all.

Frustrating as hell isn't it?  There may not be anything new in terms of new memories to be uncovered, but certainly deeper layers to work on.  Gaining deeper understanding of a particular incident is as important as uncovering new stuff.  No idea if you need to hear this or not so I will try to be brief.  (If it does not apply to you it may help someone else.)  I spent a long time examining events, analyzing the abuse, telling my story, etc.  I looked at and worked on the emotions and thought I was done... only to find out I was not.  Heh, I was not, and still am not done.  Even acceptance has layers.  Something can still sneak up and bite me in the butt... and it hurts and my first reaction/go to response is to get upset because I am not done yet, I thought I had it all uncovered and processed and when will this end... and all of that and I can find myself in a similar rabbit hole that you were in and it can get away from me and lead to despair.

The thing is, it (healing and processing) does not end.  It gets better and easier as we apply the tools and do the things you did (reach out for help and support).   Using tools like identifying the distorted thoughts and then untwisting them is a huge help in the situation you had.  It may not be possible when you are deep in the weeds, but now that you are more settled, work it through.  I will often say healing is not passive.  We have to take action (apply tools, self care).  Healing is an ongoing process.   Yes, it sucks maybe especially when our parents are dead and 'at peace' (though I have thoughts on that too... half baked as always)

This applies for anything and everything and for anyone and everyone.  I am blunt too so I am going to say to you what i say to myself:  Accept it (and remember acceptance does not mean you have to like it) and work it through otherwise you will stay stagnant and that is worse (IMO) than death.

How's that for a supportive Harri pep-talk?  This sort of talk is my idea of hugs.  I can do softer ones too. 

Thought distortions are obviously present. When I hit bottom last night, I emotionally punished myself. I degraded myself to the point of wanting to end things. I have been very mindful about realizing that bad feelings are temporary. Like I said, I don’t really know what happened last night. I called a hotline, which is something I’ve never done.

On the list of 10 thought distortions, which ones can you identify played a part in what happened the other night?  What steps can you take to untwist them?  (this is another active part of healing and what I mean when I say work it through)

I know that there is a better way. Like I said, I fell into a whole last night that I didn’t see coming. No triggers. I’ve been doing really well, so I don’t understand what happened.

I am not sure there is a better way.  I do think there is a different way and yes, you did that by reaching out for help.     I stand with IAR in saying I too am proud of you.  Now apply more tools.   

One thing I do want to say is that if the depression and SI (suicidal ideation) is due to medication effects, I would be very cautious for the next two to three weeks.  SSRIs stay in your system for a while and sometimes abruptly stopping them can cause difficulty (see my story about that above and what Wools shared about her daughter) for a while until things get back to normal.  So, what can you do?  Plug into supports (here, friends, family, hot lines).  Exercise.  Eat and drink clean (no high fat foods, high sugar and no alcohol).  Find projects to work on.  What else?

(I just had a flash where I saw you sitting there reading this and rolling your eyes at me.  It is what I would do in your shoes      If that applies to you, you can picture me sitting here grinning and saying "I know, right?  So annoying! and then I would hug you again)

Wools, I did not know about the cheek swab!  Thank you. 

taking half a pill is not the same as halving the doseage.

Good point.  Some meds are not meant to be cut in half.

[JNChell]

Hi, Wools. Thank you for the reassurance and support. It means a lot.

I was unaware of the DNA testing. Maybe I should ask my doctor about that. Going through that with your daughter sounds like a very scary thing. I’m glad that she came out of it okay. I can’t imagine how it must feel to watch my child go through such things.

I’m aware that the affects of trauma lessen as we heal. For some reason my anxiety was getting pretty intense, so I asked my doctor about meds. I’m not sure that it’s for me. I’ve been feeling triggered at work by a couple of employees, so I wonder if that explains the heightened anxiety. I know it sounds silly, and I feel silly about it, but the feelings are what the feelings are. It’s little nuances like that that can tend to make me feel worse about something that is nothing to a person with level self esteem.

I appreciate you Wools. Thanks for sitting with me when the silence would be otherwise deafening.

[JNChell]

Hi, Cromwell. I didn’t think about that. I gave the meds a week and a half with the prescribed dosage. The doctor said that it would take a week to settle in to the chemical change. I was having increased and uncomfortable sensations. Yeah, I should’ve talked to my doctor before altering my dosage on my own. I just figured that less would be better, and it was until the bottom fell out. Maybe it was some kind of crash. I don’t know, but it might explain things. Thanks for reaching out.

[JNChell]

Hey, Harri. Feeling a little funky, but I’m good. Like you said, it’ll pass. I’ve got S5 for a few days, so that’s nice.

I understand what you’re saying. It is hard to not get upset when those feelings come back when we feel like they’re finally behind us. Perhaps I need to focus a little more on being patient and accepting when these feelings come about.

You speak of the healing process will be ongoing. I believe this as I’ve read it here and from other resources as I’ve become aware of my true situation. I brought this up with my T, and she said that I can heal and eventually have no side affects. Coupled with not really being allowed to become emotional during sessions, maybe she wasn’t a good fit. She did help with a lot, but maybe some parts weren’t helpful.

This applies for anything and everything and for anyone and everyone.  I am blunt too so I am going to say to you what i say to myself:  Accept it (and remember acceptance does not mean you have to like it) and work it through otherwise you will stay stagnant and that is worse (IMO) than death.

This is eye opening. Staying stagnant in this crap can be hell everyday. I appreciate your bluntness. It’s my language.

1. All-or-nothing thinking
4. Discounting the positive
5. Jumping to conclusions
6. Magnification
7. Emotional Reasoning
9. Labeling

I can attribute these to the list of how I was feeling. The only thing that really makes sense is to focus on the tools a lot more. To grasp them more tightly and take them more seriously.

Harri, I’d never roll my eyes at your advice and comfort. Thank you for reaching out.

[Cat Familiar]

As uncomfortable as that experience was, look at what it yielded in terms of self awareness and identifying faulty thinking! 

Like others here who have begun the process of unwinding the damage from our past, I agree that uncovering trauma is like peeling back layers of an onion. Another metaphor is picking up a cafeteria tray and a new tray pops up.

Though it’s a seemingly neverending process, so is life. There’s always “stuff”.

But what I’ve found with my own trauma, though as you said it never goes away, my response to it is different. I can remember things but I no longer have the emotional charge that those events once had. It’s sorta like watching a movie of my life. Wow—that scene was sure weird and unpleasant, but I no longer feel those uncomfortable feelings in my body.

Therapy is awesome when you find the right fit.

[JNChell]

Hi, Cat. Like I said, there wasn’t a present trigger. The bottom just fell out of me. It was gradual, but abrupt.

I’m with you on being able to remember things, but not feeling negative emotions because of those memories. I’m not bi-polar, but looking at it, it felt that way. A sudden drop into negative emotions.

I like the metaphor that you’ve given. The half asleep zombie walk day to day, for lack of better words. The dissociation and trying to block it out. Yes, we know it’s not healthy, but it’s easy to do. Thank you for reaching out.

[Imatter33]

JNChell,

You have helped me. I am seeing this post a couple days after, but you mean something to this community and I instantly wanted to let you know I find value in you.

Thanks for not being afraid to share in the darkest moments. It is here we can walk alongside you.

 

[JNChell]

Imatter33, thank you very much for the kind words. I hit a rough patch, and it’s very reassuring to find so much support. I find value in you as well. This is a special place. I’m very glad to get to know you. Thank you for reaching out.is there anything that you’d like to talk about? Conversation is always nice.