Yesterday I dysregulated and texted him over 10 times

[juju2]

So yesterday I deregulated and texted him over 10 times.

I lost my cool.

I called him on all of his PLEASE READ.

He called me on the texting app, the phone number, I screamed at him and told him to PLEASE READoff.

He wants to make me wrong.

So he is having financial problems, no steady work.  The lady that lives with him is living off of him.
He finally told me this Monday.
He can't make his bills, she spends her money on herself and he is struggling...
He has magical thinking around his finances because he goes to Costco and buys things for others...

At any rate.  None of his problems are my problems.

I am co dependent and I take on others problems.  That's my disorder.

I cannot tell the difference from where I end and another begins.
My disorder.

[babyducks]

So yesterday I deregulated and texted him over 10 times.

I lost my cool.

I called him on all of his...

oohh juju.   I'm sorry to hear this.    it feels very sad to me.

I am co dependent and I take on others problems.  That's my disorder.

I cannot tell the difference from where I end and another begins.
My disorder.

do you have any thoughts around how to do better moving forward into the future?

[juju2]

Yes I know how to do better

I have to get to as many meetings as I can.

My sponsor is good.  She has a strong program.

One thing she does not have is the ability to NOT give advice.

One of the tenants of the program is no advice.

What happens to me or anyone, is up to me and my God.  Higher Power.

Another human being cannot be God by definition.

All the program does is you can see what is going on with you.

And the courage to change With the guidance of my Higher Power

No human can possibly know the path another human being needs to be on.

[babyducks]

What happens to me or anyone, is up to me and my God.  Higher Power.

Yes,   what happens to you is up to you.    You have responsibility for you.  For your emotions.    For your actions.   for your behavior.

how come you lost your cool?    

[juju2]

I lost my cool because he keeps saying one excuse after another and thinks that he is convincing me that she is going to leave.

I have no control when he starts giving me excuses.  He believes what he is saying.  I can tell.

It's maddening and when I get that upset, later, just thinking about it.  That he really said another excuse.

I get upset later when I think about it.
I have no control over my thoughts and everything I have bottled up comes out in hateful texts...

I was thinking about next time when I see him to write it down for me in a notebook.
This last time he said " soon.  It will be soon."

He has been saying these things every week for over a year.

[babyducks]

I cannot tell the difference from where I end and another begins.

are you ready /able to take a deep look at juju2?   Not at him.   not at him shopping at costco.    not at your sponsor.   not at your sponsor giving advice.     but a deep honest look at juju2? at what juju2 is thinking and saying?
 
it's a serious question,...  and any answer is an okay answer.    yes.   no.    I don't know.

are you ready to focus on you?   are you ready to take responsibility for you?

I have no control over my thoughts and everything I have bottled up comes out in hateful texts...

you have no control over your thoughts?    are you certain of this?

[juju2]

I seem to have no control over my thoughts.  sometimes.  racing thoughts.

Am going to see my doctor tomorrow.

I recently got off of my anti anxiety med and sleeping pills ..am not sleeping very much at nite.

Well I am not going to do anything other than the work I am involved in.  I am in a program of transformation. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

Not having in person meetings has caused me to feel unsupported.

Thank you for listening.

[formflier]

 

Please be extra kind to yourself.  I'm so pleased that you are taking steps to care for yourself, to include going to see your doctor.

Best,

FF

[juju2]

Thank you ff, everyone reading this.

I talk to my sponsor tomorrow..  and there is an in person meeting Friday in the park.
which I can go to since am on furlough.

so thats good news.

and am taking a mini break to visit nearby city, the hotel I am staying at allows dogs, my one caveat.  It's a bigger city than where I live and has more in person meetings there.   so another good thing.

Monday I hear if I go back to work may 4.
Or what day.

so 6 good things to report !

Am looking for good things.

[AskingWhy]

One of the problems with having a BPD partner is what they call "crazy making."  That means you get so fed up something snaps, and you look like the crazy person.

Don't be hard on yourself.  It has happened to many of us here.