How were you impacted as a young teen?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I recently got discarded by a someone I'm pretty sure had BPD. Something that always stood out were her children. One was a 12 year old girl and the other an 8 year old boy. The 12 year old had major anger issues. She would have anger fits. One was so bad the police showed up. She was stomping and slamming doors and yelling. She seemed to randomly hate members of her family. Even members like her grandma who spoiled her. I witnessed a very bizarre incident. Her father came to pick her up and she didn't want to go. So while in the car she recorded him and was yelling at him saying "I don't look like you. My mom probably had an affair with a real man and that's who my dad is.". Another night while we were having dinner, the daughter said that her mom was so much nicer when I was over. That she usually yells and curses a lot.

The boy was very hyper and didn't listen very well to her. The kids fought constantly with each other with the girl being extremely mean to him. The boy would snap back and yell.

My question is, what the hell was going on at this house? Does any of this sound familiar to what you grew up with? I wonder if the daughter was simply reacting to the stress of the house or developing something herself. I feel terrible for both kids.

[vitalsign0]

I recently got discarded by a someone I'm pretty sure had BPD. Something that always stood out were her children. One was a 12 year old girl and the other an 8 year old boy. The 12 year old had major anger issues. She would have anger fits. One was so bad the police showed up. She was stomping and slamming doors and yelling. She seemed to randomly hate members of her family. Even members like her grandma who spoiled her. I witnessed a very bizarre incident. Her father came to pick her up and she didn't want to go. So while in the car she recorded him and was yelling at him saying "I don't look like you. My mom probably had an affair with a real man and that's who my dad is.". Another night while we were having dinner, the daughter said that her mom was so much nicer when I was over. That she usually yells and curses a lot.

The boy was very hyper and didn't listen very well to her. The kids fought constantly with each other with the girl being extremely mean to him. The boy would snap back and yell.

My question is, what the hell was going on at this house? Does any of this sound familiar to what you grew up with? I wonder if the daughter was simply reacting to the stress of the house or developing something herself. I feel terrible for both kids.

[JNChell]

It’s hard to know what is going on within a dynamic like that. It sounds pretty intense and toxic. How long were you with this woman before the discard? What do you think lead to that?

Her daughter’s behaviors sound very concerning. I don’t think that it’s a good idea to try to compare the past of someone with what you’re describing. It definitely sounds very toxic, but every situation is different. Do you believe that the mother is mistreating the kids?

[Turkish]

Sounds like parental alienation, perhaps. If your ex was unhealthy (why you landed here), then those kids have a struggle. What the girl said may indicate that mom is unhealthy as well. 

I was raised by a single mother with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and likely BPD. To say it's a struggle growing up is an understatement.  Children learn by mirroring their parents.

[Notwendy]

It's hard to know what is going on behind closed doors in any house. Growing up, my mother having BPD was a family secret. We didn't have a diagnosis then, but we were not allowed to discuss her behavior and had to pretend all was normal. It wasn't- but she was able to control it enough where nobody besides immediate family saw it. If we dared to say anything to anyone, she was able to convince them that we were making it up.

By 12, I had a good idea that my mother wasn't "normal". I was her scapgoat child. The 12 year old maybe acting out as a cry for help or attention.

You wondered if she was also developing BPD? While there can be a genetic component, it isn't inevitable. None of my mother's children have BPD, however, growing up in such a home can lead to emotional difficulties.

I don't think it's possible to come to any "label" of someone from seeing the children act out- either parents or child. But I think you can speculate something is going on. If you are concerned about abuse, you could call child protective services.

[Harri]

Does any of this sound familiar to what you grew up with? I wonder if the daughter was simply reacting to the stress of the house or developing something herself. I feel terrible for both kids.

Yes, it sounds familiar, both to my own childhood and to stories I have read here.   Re: the daughter, she is probably doing both,  reacting to the stress in the environment and developing some really bad coping skills.  As Turkish said, we learn what we see and we mimic that,maybe not exactly but I don't know of one case where one parent had undiagnosed BPD (or other mental disorder) and the kid(s) came out unscathed.

If you as an adult found it difficult and hurtful to be around your ex, imagine what it is like for a child with no skills, who is still developing a sense of self and who has no power.  It is difficult to say the least.

[LFCNZ]

I only found out my mums diagnosis was BPD about a year ago, she was always depressed and suicidal my whole life, on a myriad of drugs to try to control her emotions, my parents divorced when I was 8, mum had at least one affair before that with someone she had met at the mental institute, took my older sister and me to live with this guy, parents reconciled for a couple of years after this before the divorce.

Anyway the point I'm  trying to make is that I would say its definitely affecting the kids, my sister who was 2.5 years older than me, also got diagnosed with BPD, she killed herself 10 years ago, was it the up bringing that caused my sister BPD, possibly, maybe genetic.

I dont think I am BPD myself(who knows), but I have alot of insecurities, anxieties etc... and pretty sure they stem from my childhood