Is my ex BPD and how do I get past it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've  been working through a relationship that was off/on for a little over a year and a half.  I've read a lot of the stories here and can relate to so much of what is here.  I know its impossible to diagnose online but I'd like to get some thoughts on if what I went through was normal/or potentially BPD?

I met this girl in summer 2018 through some friends at work at a happy hour and she came on VERY strong.  We dated from July until September but it suddenly ended when she went back to school.  I had visited her once and and after that she slowly ceased contact before calling me and telling me that she wasn't over her ex and couldn't continue the relationship.  She also told me that she was "all kinds of "f*cked up" and needed to improve herself.  She started seeing me about a month after her break up (with a guy she had broken up with 3 times) so I assumed I was a rebound.  I tried keeping in touch but she was very dismissive.  I was crushed because of how intense it had been but I let it go, worked on myself, and vowed never to let that happen again.

Fast forward to June 2019 and she's back home from school.  She reaches out to me and of course I want my second shot.  We picked back up where we left off (x 100).  We went to lunch and she asked me back to her apartment and basically seduced me (we joked about that often).  She told me everything I wanted to hear (how attractive I was, how when she came back after school that she wanted to date me because of how perfect I was).  I thought that she had enough time to get over her ex so I jumped in head first.  We saw each other once-twice a week and those dates were the best dates I had ever been on.  I just felt so connected.  So many stories and inside jokes.  She told me how she thought we were the same person and she had never been with anyone like me.  In July she told me how happy she was to have "hooked" me which concerned me a little but I was happy to be hooked.  There were short periods where she'd pull away a little but would always come back.  This continued into the fall when we became "official".  I visited her several times at school.  We spent a weekend at a wedding together for one of my friends and I spent a weekend at a class reunion with her.  Two weekends later I met her (step) dad and saw the house she grew up in.  As background she isn't close with her step-dad and refuses to talk to her biological dad.  But  I finally felt like I was safe in the relationship. 

3 days later she called me and said she wasn't in love with me but stopped short of fully ending it.  I waited 10 days (with 1 text exchange in between) before she called to officially end it.  I wanted to do it in person which she agreed too.  We broke up but it ended in sex.  She told me she had never had a breakup like that and that I was different.  She also told me that she was f*cked up and that it was on her and not me (same thing she said as before).   After the breakup, she texted every 7-10 days to check-in, usually just something random.  She texted me on Christmas and again on New Years and we agreed to get together when she was back in town in January.  We had a great night, just like we always had, which ended in sex.  She said she wanted to see me again but then was very erratic and unresponsive.  I called her out on it (which I had never done previously) and she agreed that it wasn't fair.  She apologized but said she wanted to see me again which of course I agreed to.  Another great night which ended in sex.  Then she was off to school again.  I sent her one text which she pretty much dismissed and then I decided not to reach out again.  Two weeks later she's posting pictures with a new guy on social media.  I went down the social media rabbit hole and turns out they had been seeing each other prior to us reconnecting in January - and I'm very suspicious that it started prior to our relationship ending.  She used to tell me how horrible she thought cheaters were which would have been enough to throw me off.

Now its 3 months since we've seen each other, 2 months since contact, and I'm still devastated.  How does someone just totally discard someone like that?  I now question everything she's ever told me.  I could never get back with her now and I feel like she got away with everything.  I let her break my heart twice and actually helped her transition to the new supply by staying in contact.  By the end I felt like a crazy person.  Could have I done anything different?  Is this normal behavior or could this be some sort of cluster B?  Is she happy in her current relationship?  Is it possible she feels guilty for how she handled it?  Looking for some input.  Part of me hates her but I still hope to hear from her.  I think of her first thing when I get up and last thing before bed.  All while she's living a carefree quarantine life with someone else.  All of the push-pull and I became fully addicted.  She became like heroin to me and its been a hell of a time getting past it. 

[MadHatter25]

I've  been working through a relationship that was off/on for a little over a year and a half.  I've read a lot of the stories here and can relate to so much of what is here.  I know its impossible to diagnose online but I'd like to get some thoughts on if what I went through was normal/or potentially BPD?

I met this girl in summer 2018 through some friends at work at a happy hour and she came on VERY strong.  We dated from July until September but it suddenly ended when she went back to school.  I had visited her once and and after that she slowly ceased contact before calling me and telling me that she wasn't over her ex and couldn't continue the relationship.  She also told me that she was "all kinds of "f*cked up" and needed to improve herself.  She started seeing me about a month after her break up (with a guy she had broken up with 3 times) so I assumed I was a rebound.  I tried keeping in touch but she was very dismissive.  I was crushed because of how intense it had been but I let it go, worked on myself, and vowed never to let that happen again.

Fast forward to June 2019 and she's back home from school.  She reaches out to me and of course I want my second shot.  We picked back up where we left off (x 100).  We went to lunch and she asked me back to her apartment and basically seduced me (we joked about that often).  She told me everything I wanted to hear (how attractive I was, how when she came back after school that she wanted to date me because of how perfect I was).  I thought that she had enough time to get over her ex so I jumped in head first.  We saw each other once-twice a week and those dates were the best dates I had ever been on.  I just felt so connected.  So many stories and inside jokes.  She told me how she thought we were the same person and she had never been with anyone like me.  In July she told me how happy she was to have "hooked" me which concerned me a little but I was happy to be hooked.  There were short periods where she'd pull away a little but would always come back.  This continued into the fall when we became "official".  I visited her several times at school.  We spent a weekend at a wedding together for one of my friends and I spent a weekend at a class reunion with her.  Two weekends later I met her (step) dad and saw the house she grew up in.  As background she isn't close with her step-dad and refuses to talk to her biological dad.  But  I finally felt like I was safe in the relationship. 

3 days later she called me and said she wasn't in love with me but stopped short of fully ending it.  I waited 10 days (with 1 text exchange in between) before she called to officially end it.  I wanted to do it in person which she agreed too.  We broke up but it ended in sex.  She told me she had never had a breakup like that and that I was different.  She also told me that she was f*cked up and that it was on her and not me (same thing she said as before).   After the breakup, she texted every 7-10 days to check-in, usually just something random.  She texted me on Christmas and again on New Years and we agreed to get together when she was back in town in January.  We had a great night, just like we always had, which ended in sex.  She said she wanted to see me again but then was very erratic and unresponsive.  I called her out on it (which I had never done previously) and she agreed that it wasn't fair.  She apologized but said she wanted to see me again which of course I agreed to.  Another great night which ended in sex.  Then she was off to school again.  I sent her one text which she pretty much dismissed and then I decided not to reach out again.  Two weeks later she's posting pictures with a new guy on social media.  I went down the social media rabbit hole and turns out they had been seeing each other prior to us reconnecting in January - and I'm very suspicious that it started prior to our relationship ending.  She used to tell me how horrible she thought cheaters were which would have been enough to throw me off.

Now its 3 months since we've seen each other, 2 months since contact, and I'm still devastated.  How does someone just totally discard someone like that?  I now question everything she's ever told me.  I could never get back with her now and I feel like she got away with everything.  I let her break my heart twice and actually helped her transition to the new supply by staying in contact.  By the end I felt like a crazy person.  Could have I done anything different?  Is this normal behavior or could this be some sort of cluster B?  Is she happy in her current relationship?  Is it possible she feels guilty for how she handled it?  Looking for some input.  Part of me hates her but I still hope to hear from her.  I think of her first thing when I get up and last thing before bed.  All while she's living a carefree quarantine life with someone else.  All of the push-pull and I became fully addicted.  She became like heroin to me and its been a hell of a time getting past it. 

[PantherRJ]

I’m also going through a terrible breakup and trying to understand. Nothing make sense. I’ve read that the heartless person who broke your heart, cheated and lied is the real one. People say the first version is just a mirror. BPD partners mirror you and as a chameleon become everything you want, expect and dreamed. I had other breakups, but never felt so depressed and numb. I don’t even know how to start. You’re not alone.

[daze507]

I’ve read that the heartless person who broke your heart, cheated and lied is the real one

Actually, it's a bit more complicated than that. The reality is that there really is no "real one", BPD are volatile individuals who have no sense of self so they try to mirror what's around them to feel loved, accepted and valued. It's not only about relationships, they do that with friends, at work, in social circles etc.
When they look heartless it's not the reality either, we don't see that but inside them it's a huge turmoil and at some point, this turmoil gets so unbearable they have to flip a switch over the origin of it (basically you), if they don't, they get full nuts, plain and simple.
It's not a personal thing against you, it's a survival defense mechanism. However, if the BPD has also NPD traits (that can happen) it's a different matter and in that case they can also show evil traits.

[blue6314]

Is she BPD? Well, does she meet the DSM criteria? You haven’t said. What made you suspect BPD? For me, it was that my therapist said my ex sounded like BPD.

I would recommend therapy for you. Try to get objectivity. If a friend relayed your story as if it happened to him, would you think this girl is worth it? Myself, I looked at my ex through rose-tinted glasses. I actually creeped her IG account and realized, not so hot, a lot of annoying pictures, she acted horribly and has nothing going for her. I tell myself to keep focusing on that - almost devaluing her . But these things take time. You can’t just flip a switch on feelings. Use it as a learning experience about what’s important in relationships. What was important about her to you? What did you respect? Or did she just make you feel good when it was good?

[MadHatter25]

Thanks for the responses.  For me it was the phases of the relationship (idealization, devaluation, discard).  And it happened so quick and with little explanation (twice!).  I just didn't understand how she could turn it off unless it never existed.  I'm going to go through the criteria here, if only as an opportunity to put it in writing.
1. Fear of abandonment - We never discussed but given that both her biological dad and step-dad left her and her mom I think there is something to this.
2. Unstable relationships - She's had multiple relationships and moved on from one to the next.  Has spent very little time single and from my understanding most ended poorly and with a lot of breakup/get back together.
3. Unclear self-image - She's said she has had self-esteem issues in past but hard to say.  I do feel like she was different around me than when she wasn't with me but always came across as confident.
4. Impulsive behaviors - This was there to some extent.  I think how she handled the relationship with me, especially when we rebounded over the holidays was very impulsive.  She lives in the moment and I think often adapts to the people around her.  I do feel she is a chameleon (but so am I).  While I met most of her friends I think she was scared I would judge her for them.
5. Self-harm - None that I know of.
6. Emotional swings - This is the most confusing.  I never saw her get angry and we NEVER fought.  Her swings were treating me like a king one day and virtually ignoring me the next.  Most stories with BPD involve emotional outbursts which just never happened here.  This would have been easier to understand had we been fighting all of the time.
7. Feelings of emptiness - I feel like this is there and she fills that void with other people although I can't say for sure because we never talked about it.
8. Explosive anger - Never
9. Feeling suspicious - She was never jealous or suspicious of my activities (or others) that I saw.

So if she isn't full BPD she does have traits.  But you are correct in that it all comes back to me.  I have been going to therapy and I certainly have co-dependent traits.  She made me feel a way I had never felt before.  I literally felt like I could do anything.  Since then I've felt like I've been at 50%.  But I certainly respected a lot about her and I thought we had the same values (religion, family, work ethic, etc).  But maybe she just mirrored my values back to me?  She overcame a tough childhood and is working towards being a doctor which I loved.  Ultimately, I just can't make sense of how someone can be so loving one day and totally cold the next.  The cognitive dissonance is real.  She told me I was the best person she had ever dated, that I was good from my head to my toe, that she could talk to be for hours and hours, and I was physically attractive while dumping me.  How does that make sense?   

[angelB]

I am also looking for answers if anybody wants to help

I was 13 when I first got into a relationship with this person we were very very young and in love .It lasted for like a year and a half I was 15 at the end of the relationship . Our relationship ended really badly , is family who didn't know he had bpd sent him to a juvenile center and we got dirrectly separated . from there everything started to crumble . He left for an other girl and was just really mean to me like really mean , I never had closure but two years later decided to talk to him it was okay , a couple months after well now I contacted him to talk and after i did so I realized what bpd was and that , that person probably has it . I think I want to talk with that person to understand and confirm that none of these actions that I lived were meant to destroy me , I wonder if its toxic , but at the same time we were so young that I feel like we both need peace from our past is this wrong ? also is there any other people who are an empath in a relationship with someone with bpd?