how to move on

[Rational61265]

My partner recently passed away from suicide and suffered from undiagnosed BPD. We were only together like 6 months, but this woman was simply perfect in so many ways. she was very catering and loved me harder than anyone I have ever been with. However on the other side of that was insecurity, she had started calling me her world, then the arguments began over small stupid stuff. She never felt I loved her as she loved me, no matter how hard I tried to show her. The night she killed herself we got into a small senseless argument. she had tried to start a fight 3 other times that day and I had diffused those situations. she had started fights with me 3 out of 4 weekends that month and threatened to leave and packed her belongings to leave each time. I don't know why I didn't research mental disorders earlier. I left the house because I didn't want to argue. she thought I wanted to be with my ex which wasn't true. As soon as I left she grabbed my gun and got in her car and drove away. I see that now from the video camera. I went to a friends. she called and I answered and she was screaming. I told her I couldn't do this right now and hung up and put my phone on silence. she called numerous times but I didn't see it. we both had a few drinks and she grabbed a bottle of gin and took with her. she later killed herself that night. I cant get this out of my head. I cant stop thinking that it could of been prevented. How wonderful of a girlfriend she was to me despite the insecurity and anger issues. I don't know if she was my soulmate but I feel I will never meet a woman who will treat me like her.  Sometimes I wonder if her love was real or fake as I heard it is hard for some people with BPD to keep up the façade. I am not sure how to get her out of my head or stop thinking about the what if's.  I have never been with anyone with mental illness before and didn't put the signs together to think it was more than her being moody. I am in therapy but I just cant stop thinking. I don't know why she would kill herself if she loved me so much. I found out later she had childhood trauma and abuse and cut herself as a teenager.

[blue6314]

So sorry. Do not blame yourself. You didn’t know her that long, you couldn’t know she’d do that

[daze507]

Really sorry man. You couldn't have known. We all thought it was temporary stress or something like that so don't be too harsh on yourself, sometimes we just can't control everything especially if we are not aware of the situation we're into.

[l8kgrl]

Rational, I'm so sorry for your loss. And for the pain you must be feeling.

I'm really glad you have a therapist to help you. Do you have others around you who are supportive? How are you doing?

It's easy to say that none of this is your fault, and of course it isn't. There's no way you could know this would happen. But I'm sure that doesn't make it easier to accept emotionally. What we know in our heads often doesn't match what we're feeling.

Please be kind to yourself...this is an extremely traumatic thing to experience.

[csquare319]

Oh my God, I cannot fathom what you must be going through right now. My heart goes out to you, so do my prayers.

Hopefully a comforting thought occured to me this morning that might also provide you with relief, even if just for a little bit - We can't punish ourselves for the wrong choices the pwsBPD accumulated in her lifetime. It was NOT YOUR FAULT!