Taking things personally

[ahe]

I'm having trouble with a concept.

My girlfriend was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which makes sense because she frequently gets upset, and tries to push me away. From what I've read about it, it's a very accurate diagnosis for her. She also calls me names when she's upset.

I've struggled with low self esteem since childhood and I'm frequently putting myself down (through inner dialog). I am having a really hard time not taking it personally when she calls me names even though I know that she doesnt mean it. It still feels very real in the moment.

I wanted to ask if anyone has advice on not taking insults personally when your loved one is upset.

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[Chosen]

Hi ahe,

From personal experience, during a pwBDP's outburst, they tend to attack where it hurts.  You mentioned you've always had a problem with low self-esteem, and your gf can sense that.  That's why she (or her BPD-ness) would attack your esteem- that would quite easily shatter without her needing to do much, and you would be going down with her downward spiral.  For me, knowing that they deliberately attack us to make us feel as bad as they do on the inside helps clarify things a bit.  It's just a means to an end... in order to not feel whatever negative emotions they're experiencing, pwBPDs would use every means to "bounce" that negativity off to another person.  Cue the blame games, the verbal attacks.. etc.

Doesn't make those words they say sound any better, but hopefully it can make the wound on our hearts a little less deep.

Hang in there.

Chosen

[ahe]

Hi Chosen,

Thank you for that, it felt nice to read and it was encouraging. It really touched my heart. I actually had a breakthrough today. As it turns out, the issue coming from my end is that I'm not taking into consideration my girlfriends perspective, I'm just getting hurt at what she says when really there's a lot more going on. I just need to broaden my viewpoint.

Thanks again,
ahe