HELP New to all this. On the verge of a breakdown

[Darksky34]

Hi

New to this so I'll start from the beginning and apologies in advance for the length of the post.

Background. Been in r/s for 12 years, married 6. 2 kids (11 and 8). Never heard of BPD before and had no reason to suspect anything was wrong at all until the last 12 months.

Recently BPDw got back from a trip abroad and was clearly distant and bothered by something. Eventually she came out and admitted to me that she had slept with someone. Broke down begging me not to leave her. Over the following weeks more and more came to light from her, until eventually she admitted to multiple acts of infidelity over the last two years. I was absolutely destroyed. I had no reason to suspect anything. No clues as to what was going on. The only thing i had noticed was an increase in nights out and the severity of drunkeness on said nights out.

Since then we have lived through strange "zoned out" periods, where BPDw feels no physical pain or emotion. Dead behind the eyes, so to speak. Really freaky to see. It culminated in a suicide threat and visit to crisis mental health team. She was diagnosed BPD and major depression and anxiety.

Since then she has readily admitted fault, spoken openly about the fact that these acts were a form of self harm (i've heard some traumatic things of injury and degradation these people inflicted on her). I have noticed bruises and marks before but she works with a pretty aggressive autistic kid and that was the explanation. They were people involved heavily with drugs and generally not good people, even people she despises normally.
She has admitted to feeling nothing for anyone at the time. She repeatedly claims she's sorry for all the hurt shes caused. She is actively seeking help and therapy. She has removed all alcohol from her life up to now. She is on meds, actively talking to therapists around the state to find one that suits her needs, working on self help techniques to try to regulate her emotional responses. Doing all the right things to show she wants to change and take back her life.
She has taken to cutting when things get too overwhelming, which isn't good but its less often and from what i can see, she shows remorse and feels endlessly ashamed and guilty.

I have been in a deep depression myself since all this and am on meds and speaking to a T. It kills me to see her put herself through these horrible things and to see her clearly suffering so badly with the hell inside her head. I have felt guilty for never spotting anything, but honestly, she has never shown any reason to suspect anything was up if you didnt know about BPD.

After reading A LOT, and talking to the professionals i accept that this wasn't "personal". We have identified a trigger that fits the timeline (family bereavement). A lot of pieces fit the puzzle.

I am now torn. I clearly see the hell in her head and the pain she is in daily. I want to support her (i know from these boards that i cant "fix" her). I am trying to look after myself more and my two kids, while trying to detach emotionally from the events. I am trying to do things to help me. I am trying to validate her feelings as best i can. I am trying not to get emotional around her and not feed her BPD (easier said than done when its all so raw).

She is clearly a quiet BPD. All her hate and rage is turned inwards. She regularly says she doesn't deserve a happy family life and that she is evil. She says these people and the treatment of her is all she deserves in her head. A similar pattern was apparent in her teens (abuse, rape). Her childhood included an emotionally and physically abusive father and an absent mother a lot of the time.

She holds down a job, was/is a great mother and as far as i knew, a great wife who i love with all my heart. I want to support her and be there, but part of me thinks i should walk away. This is all so new to me that both options leave unanswered questions and pain. I don't want to be trapped in the BPD cycle and give the impression that the behaviour will be overlooked, but she shows a lot of signs she wants to fight this. Very self aware, says sorry A LOT and hates the pain she has inflicted on her family.

Currently living separate for now, with the kids staying with me in the marital home. She agrees that this is best. She has made amazing progress in just a few weeks but part of me still wonders if this is all just the "pull" part of the cycle. Would appreciate any experiences, advice, or further questions if needed.

Thanks

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[once removed]

wow.

what an incredible roller coaster that youve been on, after 12 years.

so many gut punches. so much uncertainty. so much surreality.

you will, undoubtedly, need a strong support system. its good that youve gotten some meds and are seeing a T. how has that been going? for how long?

it sounds like you are both approaching this as best you can. it will be an uphill battle.

its been a few days, whats going on right now?

[tvda]

Hi, late reply but... Watch out with the "I know I shouldn't take this personally". It's a slippery slope that sets you up for all kinds of abuse and self-abuse to be honest.

Please be aware that you are free to take her actions personally. You don't need to see the fact that she has BPD as an excuse. If you want to, that's your choice. But it's not a given.

I am not advocating a vengeful, spiteful attitude. But be very aware that, if you sweep her actions under the rug under the reasoning that you shouldn't take it personally, you are putting yourself in a position where she has free reigns to hurt you, and your response might then even be to 'care for her'.

I a perverted way, that often ends up meaning that there are 2 people not taking caring of you: her and you yourself.