Lingering thoughts.

[Martin 123]

Ok so first of all sorry that ive been posting a lot since i discovered this site. My question is that during our last week in the relationship i feel like i contributed in some way to the trigger/discard i may have even presented some sign of npd.

I’ll list some of the things i did that last week.  I told her some comment about her not doing an activity which involves male contact because i was jealous. When i was moody about her not wanting to let me get her a bigger bed for her apartment i treated her coldly. Another day it was raining and she usually doesnt work on rainy days. So i told her not to go while i was half asleep while and she was awaiting her boss. (She really made a drama out of this and i didnt take her seriously. On the final day she was acting indiferent towards me so i got angry and told her i was leaving and ending the relationship which she celebrated later. I made some comment about her spending time with her friend.

So the thing is it all crumbled in one week because we had few arguments during our 10 month relationship. On my other posts i mentioned the obvious signs of bpd. So what i think ive done is accelerate the discard process? I admit my faults and i work on it and even admitted i was sorry when she was  telling me It was over. There were also many situations i also felt she was being really selfish with me and never in the whole relationship apologized for anything. I know it sounds awful but i felt there was some stability in a way because i liked to please her most of the time and we were in good terms most of the time.

So my lingering thought is. Would that moment of devaluation had happened anyway even if i had done things perfectly? I have to mention she lost all feelings in one day. Considering she had strong signs of bpd and after ending it she turned things 10 times worst even blaming me for things i didnt do. Amd behaving like a complete diferent person before blocking. Ill try to be more precise. Do people with bpd will split inevitably and its just a matter of time before it happens?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Martin123, Don't beat yourself up!  It's doubtful that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD.  Sad to say, most BPD relationships are not built to last, as you have discovered.  It sounds like there was "some stability" as long as you were kowtowing to her needs, which I view as a form of pretending.  Most of us did the same, my friend, in order to keep the peace.  It's hard, I know, but moving on leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[Martin 123]

I really beat myself up the first few days by all the blaming. I had no idea about bpd. Now i dont take the guilt. I found it so weird them telling theyll love you forever that you are their soul mate and theyll never leave. And then turning its like a fiction almost.

This is kind of offtopic but i found it interesting:
Thanks it helps hearing that.

I remember  one day while sleeping with her during our first months i had this really weird dream. So far we never had any arguments and we were in the honeymoon phase. In the dream we were walking on a hallway and an entity without a face approached us and took her like mesmerizing her or something and she followed it leaving me alone then turning me  into some object and left in a dungeon along with others.  When i woke up i felt the same sensation i felt the day she split. Its like a nightmare in real life. Its like there is this unconscious feeling that they can suddenly shift i find it terrifing and that terror is one of the things that made me move on faster. Because i have a whole other image of her in my mind.

[Nongler4545]

Ok so first of all sorry that ive been posting a lot since i discovered this site. My question is that during our last week in the relationship i feel like i contributed in some way to the trigger/discard i may have even presented some sign of npd.

I’ll list some of the things i did that last week.  I told her some comment about her not doing an activity which involves male contact because i was jealous. When i was moody about her not wanting to let me get her a bigger bed for her apartment i treated her coldly. Another day it was raining and she usually doesnt work on rainy days. So i told her not to go while i was half asleep while and she was awaiting her boss. (She really made a drama out of this and i didnt take her seriously. On the final day she was acting indiferent towards me so i got angry and told her i was leaving and ending the relationship which she celebrated later. I made some comment about her spending time with her friend.

So the thing is it all crumbled in one week because we had few arguments during our 10 month relationship. On my other posts i mentioned the obvious signs of bpd. So what i think ive done is accelerate the discard process? I admit my faults and i work on it and even admitted i was sorry when she was  telling me It was over. There were also many situations i also felt she was being really selfish with me and never in the whole relationship apologized for anything. I know it sounds awful but i felt there was some stability in a way because i liked to please her most of the time and we were in good terms most of the time.

So my lingering thought is. Would that moment of devaluation had happened anyway even if i had done things perfectly? I have to mention she lost all feelings in one day. Considering she had strong signs of bpd and after ending it she turned things 10 times worst even blaming me for things i didnt do. Amd behaving like a complete diferent person before blocking. Ill try to be more precise. Do people with bpd will split inevitably and its just a matter of time before it happens?

HI, I have always convinced myself that if I could go back in time and live the relationship again in different ways I would still get the same outcome, discard.

BPD sufferers will latch on to someone believing they are the answer to their pain and gradually overtime they find little flaws, this snowballs in to a campaign of devaluation which they feed their mind to fit this negative narrative about you in their head.


I know i am a good boyfriend and my ex struggled to end it with me as she was struggling to find cast iron negative things about me, hence the excuses she did eventually give were weak at best but her BPD had spoken and she ended it, led by the negative narrtive in her head.


So you and me could have been the best partners ever for our BPD ex's but they will always find fault in something, they cant help it.

[once removed]

I told her some comment about her not doing an activity which involves male contact because i was jealous. When i was moody about her not wanting to let me get her a bigger bed for her apartment i treated her coldly.

can you tell us more/elaborate?

[daze507]

Hi, this post is funny (so to speak) because I can read myself not so long ago.
So you are focusing on your "triggers" thinking they (and by extension you) are the source of her split.
Well, it is very possible it is, this and many other things you said/did (tone of voice, where you looked, facial expression after something she said etc.) you never realised triggered her too. Something to be aware of is that, even during idealisation phase, they are scrutinizing us in every possible way, every single detail about you is registered to be processed later and it all accumulates with time.
What happens is that the real you she is meeting starts to diverge from her demigod image of you and she starts panicking because, since you're not perfect like some kind of fallen angel she envisioned in her mind, you may very much realise she's nuts and abandon her. How do they deal with that fear?
They devalue you, they do that until you are just an irrelevant stranger (or an evil person) to them and so they can leave you without feeling any kind of pain and remorse, they move on, instantly.
You will ask yourself why can't they love us as an imperfect person, isn't that true love after all? Well, because they just can't. Their brain can't process the perception of adult love as you and me can, it's just not possible and that's exactly why they rush everything in the beginning, their love is the honeymoon phase, there is nothing else after that, it's important to acknowledge that, again: They - cannot - love.

To get back to your lingering thoughts, let's suppose you did not trigger her with what you said, do you honestly thing that nothing else would have ever been considered a trigger by her after that?
Of course not. Who want to feel they constantly walk on eggshells in a relationship? Certainly not me.
I read many stories of people who think they had been always perfect and never triggered them  (unlike us)... Discarded.
Others that told them they had nothing to prove and that trust should be the cement of a relationship... Discarded.
I even read stories of BPDs themselves who had no idea what triggered them, their devaluation just happened. Some even said their ex was perfect in any way but they just felt nothing at all for them at some point.
I have yet to read one single story of a relationship with an untreated BPD that ended well, one.
So my point here is that, it's not your triggers that lead to that outcome, it's her mental issues. With a BPD, it's always damned if you do, damned if you don't, you never win.
Recently, I talked about that to a friend and she told me: Your triggers may a been the reason it happened faster and, knowing what you know about her, isn't it more a blessing than a mistake in the end? Think about that.

Actually there is one type of person they can stay with long term without ever splitting them black, these are NPD. Why?
Two reasons. First, NPD connot love too, they have no understanding of what it is so they are in phase here.
Second, dynamics are inverted, the NPD becomes the abuser and the BPD the abused, they constantly run after a love that is always mirrored to them but that they never get. In some ways, their idealisation never ends, for the simple reason that a true relationship is never started and funny enough, they do exactly what we did: They stay with them with the hope that the "good NPD version" would come back.
However, this is a chaotic union fueled by constant fights and drama, pushed and pull, and because of escalation often doesn't end well at all. There is nothing to envy about that kind of relationship.

A Quora link that could help:

https://www.quora.com/If-you-told-your-BPD-partner-that-youre-starting-to-lose-your-mind-because-of-the-chaotic-fights-and-instability-and-inconsistencies-in-your-relationship-will-they-even-care-about-your-feelings-Or-will-they-feel/answer/Randi-Kreger-1?ch=10&share=55d38259&srid=hh1AZ

[daze507]

Another thing that I did not mention but that is important. BPDs get bored very fast. The reason for that is that they feel emotions more intensely and they always want to go 200% speed. Result of that is that when these emotions start to fade, they lose interest and go somewhere else for another fix.
For us, when the honeymoon phase ends it means the relationship is getting serious, it means the the bond is getting deeper and stronger. For them it means it's over, they think "who is even that person here? I need to gtfo and fast".
They don't get bored with a narcissist because he/she creates constant drama and fighting, the excitement is always there, it is a very negative and unhealthy one but it still is.
Basically, when the BPD understand he is loved, he loses interest.
Think of a child throwing a tantrum to have a new toy, once he gets it, he played with it a few hours, get bored and forget it even exists.

[Martin 123]

Once removed: These 2 triggers  were during our final week together. Nothing i would consider something for breaking up. The first was on Monday in which i decided to stay at her place and i was feeling really uncomfortable in her tiny bed. I was telling her for a long time if i could get her a more bigger bed and she sometimes agreed and sometimes didn´t. I know i should´t impose these things on her. I didn´t yelled or anything i just tried to sleep but i acted cranky in bed, moving a lot, etc. Then about the activity i mentioned. Also just a comment i made during a car ride in which she didn´t even replied at the moment there was no discussion. She saved it as an argument for the final discard. Also i admit my faults there being possessive there. There wouldn´t  have been any problem on her doing that activity i just said it in the spur of the moment.

Then about BPD. Im 100% sure having spent hours and hours reading about the ilness that she is undiagnosed. She admitted several times that her mother had "raped" her as a child. Had no relationship with her family and had escaped her house as soon as she got a job. All her past relationships were blamed on her exes which she spoke terribly about them. There were times when she cried with no reason at all and i had to wait for her to calm down. Then never ever apologized for anything. The few times we had fights i had to let her alone for a while until she calmed down.

I think i made a huge progress on detaching myself so far. I still have my moments of grief but i couldn´t even consider getting back even if she ever charms (which im sure it wont happen either). We were at the exact point were the relationship was getting to a more serious level i think. I still remember the pain i felt after the devaluation. I never experienced such emotional turbulence. I couldn´t believe the lie she forced herself into and the false image she created of me. What broke me the most was how she acted happy about it. But i guess if it only lasted short to a year it would had broken down eventually. Either i would have finished or she would have devalued me for some other comment i made. The strange thing is i always acted the same. I think her image started to shift after the bed incident. Her perspective switched and she started devaluation.

[Martin 123]

Also the relationship escalated so quickly. The day of our first date we accidentally bought movie tickets for the next day. So the first day we made out and the second day we had sex. I remember those first weeks being in bed with her and thinking who is this person i actually barely knew. I had my own suspicions at first something about her was weird. But i was so mesmerized by all the idealization i just gave in.

I try to look things on the bright side if i balance it. I was very heartbroken in the end because the arguments or fights were not that much before that final drama week. I believe i could count them with a hand. They are all mentioned in my posts. But i wasn´t miserable. Probably a lot of codependence which is not healthy but my insecurities were met. After the discard i felt as if someone had taken me a comfortable blanket. I can say it helped me gain understanding of relationships and how to spot someone with bpd. Im more aware.

[Martin 123]

Another thing i never said. Which made me very sad was that at some point i noticed her worried about her worring about keeping the relationship going. I saw her trying so hard to make herself handle her emotions. I had no clue what was happening internally emotionally during our tense moments. For me it was normal arguing at times. I mean we all can have arguments in our day to day life if were living with someone long term. Im not talking about anything out of proportions. Short lived tense moments. What i couldnt understand was that for her them it must have been emotionally challenging. She would always remember all of our arguments. Not one did she forgot over the months.

[Martin 123]

Sorry my spelling

[once removed]

She saved it as an argument for the final discard.

during the course of a relationship that ultimately breaks down, people store resentments, faults, doubts.

and sometimes, when a relationship ends badly, and emotions are raw, you hear about these things, and youre like "HUH?".

people with BPD traits do this big time, but we all do it. think of the members here who look back at the red or yellow flags they saw in their relationship, dismissed, then wished theyd acted on.

but when you hear it come back at you, it can be shocking and catch you off guard. dont buy it as the reason you broke up, but dont dismiss it outright, either. it was likely an overstatement, but it may have, along with other things, weighed on her.

I try to look things on the bright side if i balance it. I was very heartbroken in the end because the arguments or fights were not that much before that final drama week.

the very last time i ever saw my ex, we had spent a great week together, no fights, and she told me she had fallen in love with me all over again. it was about a week later that she broke up with me, and about a week later after that that she was in a new relationship.

one of the hardest things i learned in my recovery is that when a relationship is breaking up, both parties tend to be on a very different page. one, or both, may have grieved the relationship, to an extent. but one or both may have doubts. may see a spark of what they loved so much about the relationship, or the person, and reconsider. especially so with someone with BPD traits, who is such a prisoner of intense, and fleeting emotions. but in any event, it can be confusing, flabbergasting, heartbreaking, because it seemed like everything was going so well, and you search in vain trying to figure out where it went wrong.

but it went wrong long before that. we just didnt know it.