Forgiveness and actually moving on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been struggling to move on. What has been a slow process, basically turned into a standstill and regression with quarantine. Nothing like being alone with your thoughts and already feeling in a heighten anxious state to make you dwell on painful memories.

After tons and tons of journaling I was just tired of telling myself the same story over and over again. I felt stuck in that story, it's been months and I feel like I have analyzed the whole thing from every angle imaginable. My relationship with my parents, my own childhood stuff, trauma bonding, emotional addiction ect. It's been illuminating but I am really just tired of thinking about it. When I try and stop something will pull me back, like running into someone he's aquatinted with, or a scene in a movie, or a song. It sucks!

I was reading a novel and one of the characters told another character that until they forgave the person that harmed them, that person would remain chained to them. Cliche but wow did that resonate in that moment.

I think so much of my own process was wading through the confusion and trying to understand the harm but I feel like I got stuck there and I really want to leave that place. If forgiveness was the cliche door out, let's try it but what does that even mean?

I stumbled across Dr. Fred Luskin, he runs The Forgiveness  Project for Standford University. These two videos have completely reframed the story I was stuck in and I think just changed my life. I don't think I need to be hanging out here lurking anymore and I feel lighter than I have since I met this person.

If this feels like a place you are stuck in too, I highly recommend checking it out with an open mind.

Best of luck to you.

(The video is being hosted by a religious org but this is not religious at all, these were just the most accessible videos I found)

Dr. Fred Luskin: Forgive for Good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJq5mtficaY

Dr. Fred Luskin: The Art and Science of Forgiveness (Workshop)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOHO8YhRiMs



 

[mekwâc]

I have been struggling to move on. What has been a slow process, basically turned into a standstill and regression with quarantine. Nothing like being alone with your thoughts and already feeling in a heighten anxious state to make you dwell on painful memories.

After tons and tons of journaling I was just tired of telling myself the same story over and over again. I felt stuck in that story, it's been months and I feel like I have analyzed the whole thing from every angle imaginable. My relationship with my parents, my own childhood stuff, trauma bonding, emotional addiction ect. It's been illuminating but I am really just tired of thinking about it. When I try and stop something will pull me back, like running into someone he's aquatinted with, or a scene in a movie, or a song. It sucks!

I was reading a novel and one of the characters told another character that until they forgave the person that harmed them, that person would remain chained to them. Cliche but wow did that resonate in that moment.

I think so much of my own process was wading through the confusion and trying to understand the harm but I feel like I got stuck there and I really want to leave that place. If forgiveness was the cliche door out, let's try it but what does that even mean?

I stumbled across Dr. Fred Luskin, he runs The Forgiveness  Project for Standford University. These two videos have completely reframed the story I was stuck in and I think just changed my life. I don't think I need to be hanging out here lurking anymore and I feel lighter than I have since I met this person.

If this feels like a place you are stuck in too, I highly recommend checking it out with an open mind.

Best of luck to you.

(The video is being hosted by a religious org but this is not religious at all, these were just the most accessible videos I found)

Dr. Fred Luskin: Forgive for Good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJq5mtficaY

Dr. Fred Luskin: The Art and Science of Forgiveness (Workshop)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOHO8YhRiMs



 

[blue6314]

Very nice post. My therapist told me that self forgiveness is really important. I’m working on it real hard, but it’s tough, because I feel used, abused and manipulated. Like I loved her foolishly and she didn’t. I think forgiveness is the only way past it - both forgiving her and importantly myself. If a friend was in my shoes, I’d be compassionate. But it’s easy to be a self-critic.

[believer55]

Thank you for your post and the links.

I do think that forgiveness is the way out - but I also think you need to be ready to do it. I am so full of anger and hurt that the idea of forgiveness is not sitting easy with me. I have forgiven many times before and each time this was thrown back in face with more lies and more deceit.

I feel the heaviness of the anger and it is exhausting and I am coming to terms with what you have written - that to free myself forgiveness is the door I need to walk through. I know that I will have to really mean it though and not just "fake" it. I look forward to the day I can forgive and let myself move on.

Best of luck with your journey.

B.

[teawoman5]

Thanks for sharing these resources I will check them out. Glad they helped you feel lighter. The healing process has been slow for me too. Some days I get pulled back by the same sorts of things. It's true that eventually you want another path forward that's less circular than wading through all that confusion and pain.

I am hesitant to forgive because I know was TOO forgiving of unacceptable behavior during the relationship. At this point it's more about accepting pwBPD are on such a different, distorted wavelength and that's the harsh reality of it.

I agree with the importance of self-forgiveness. I finally realized it's been hard enough on the outside so I have to support myself from the inside.