Coping with a silent smear campaign

[StillStuck]

I've been doing a little better lately, and haven't been on this board for a while.

My relationship with a woman with BPD ended 1.5 years ago and I have been no contact since then, though there were times in the past I checked her Twitter account to see if she was still spreading false stories about me. She sometimes would, but she never really used my name publicly.

One thing that does happen -- and that happened again this week -- is that she will reach out to people we both know and she will tell them I am an abuser and a stalker. Over the last 1.5 years, from time to time, people will block me out of the blue on social media. They are never people I am extremely close with, but they are people I know in real life. It has happened at least a dozen times, always without warning.

Only one of the people directly confronted me about it (confirming it was happening) so some of this may be speculation, but there was never a reason for any of these people I am friends/acquaintances with to cut themselves off from me. It remains a slow, steady drip against my reputation. I never see coming and I don't know how to address it. Does anyone have advice? I try to ignore it, but it feels like there is a momentum growing as more people start to be in on her "secret story" about me. I know she has a new boyfriend so I was hoping she would stop directing her energy toward me, but it still happens just often enough for me to not forget she is there.

I just want to move one with my life, but every time this happens I get depressed. Please help if you can.

[alittleawkward]

It's a tricky one, to say the least.

Been in a similar situation this past year - a lot of mutual friends with my ex, when we split things were civil for a bit, but the slandering started coming thick and fast when I entered NC. I go through phases every couple months where I'll be intensely plugged into her socials without wanting or intending to; anxious to exist without knowing what she's saying and even more so once I have found out what she's tweeting. I have found that setting myself little boundaries helps: only looking once a week, or putting up a website blocker for just her url so that if she comes up on my feed and I click on her stuff, the website shuts down. Definitely helped. I haven't looked since we were last chatting, nearly a month ago.

I think a big thing with it all is learning to give yourself the boundaries to not put yourself in an emotional bear trap. If you can't see what she's up to, then you'll eventually stop caring. Muting, blocking, and setting up web blockers all help you do this until you don't even bother looking anymore. Anyone who takes your ex's side will eventually see what they're like, or is simply not worth the time convincing otherwise. I've found being my authentic self, sticking to my closer friends, and not rising to anything that's been said about me has left me in good stead compared to other people she has interacted with, and besides, so much of twitter is made up of immature comments and sly in-directs, chances are a lot of tweets you may read about yourself aren't even about you! I've definitely found my anxiousness has led me to believe that I'm the centre of a lot of my exes tweets, but later found out otherwise.

Apologies for the ramble, hopefully you can pull something out of that! All the best!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Still Stuck, Agree w/alittleawkard, it's tricky but also a common development in the aftermath of a BPD r/s.  Happened to me.  I suggest you rise above the slander by ignoring it.  Trying to push the river is unlikely to work.  As someone from my old town once explained to me, people are not dumb and they are taking what your Ex says with a grain of salt.  In a way, it's a winnowing process, because you learn who your true friends are.  Those who buy into what your Ex is saying are not really your friends, anyway.

It is depressing because it's something entirely out of your control.  If anyone cares enough to ask you about it, you can fill them in.  If not, I wouldn't lower yourself to your Ex's level.  Those w/BPD have a propensity for shooting themselves in the foot, so in my view it's best to move on and let the chips fall.

LuckyJim

[zachira]

I am sorry you are having to deal with a smear campaign by your ex. You are wondering what to do about it if anything. I do think you have to correct the misinformation with the people she is likely to influence when you can, about what she is saying either before she does it or shortly afterwards. A short concise sentence that sums up the situation from your point of view that you can repeat again when necessary to the people who are likely to believe her lies is usually the most convincing and necessary to stop her point of view from being believed by her negative advocates. You might want to read up on what Bill Eddy says about negative advocates, a term I believe he invented, and how to most effectively stop the smear campaign as much as possible. I would only correct the lies she is likely spreading with a personal contact either by phone or in person as you don't want anything in writing as she may use this to ramp up the animosity and smear campaign.

[StillStuck]

Thanks for all your comments. One of the main challenges is that people just drop out of my orbit with mo warning or confrontation. I just realize one day when I go to reach out to a friend that they are gone or I am blocked, and that they are still interacting with her. So far, I have chosen to just ignore it as best as I can -- but it does make me feel extremely anxious and hopeless.

Part of the problem is that our professional circles overlap quite a bit, though, and I just don't know if/when it will start to have a direct impact on my work. I do understand the concern about paranoia or reading into things that aren't really about me -- but, for several reasons, I am very confident that the things she has said are about me and me alone.

Anyway, thanks for your support. Hopefully, I will figure out how to move on for good some day.

[zachira]

Your feelings are quite normal about how you feel about the smear campaign, and it is likely happening from what you have described. I am wondering if you can tell us about anybody that has not fallen for her smear campaign.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey StillStuck, Let's look at it from another angle: what kind of person would freeze you out based on your Ex's fabrications and smears?  All they have to do is reach out to you to find out your side of the story.  But some people like to make judgments based on hearsay, which is something out of your control.  They lack courage and are not your friends.

LJ

[StillStuck]

Your feelings are quite normal about how you feel about the smear campaign, and it is likely happening from what you have described. I am wondering if you can tell us about anybody that has not fallen for her smear campaign.

Thanks -- unfortunately, I can't tell you about anyone who hasn't for it, at least not yet. She has been pretty smart about who to engage with so far. I do think there are some people who wouldn't fall for it, but she hasn't been dumb enough to try targeting them yet. In some ways, she is probably doing this less to hurt more and more to convince herself she is the real victim, but who knows for sure.

[StillStuck]

Hey StillStuck, Let's look at it from another angle: what kind of person would freeze you out based on your Ex's fabrications and smears?  All they have to do is reach out to you to find out your side of the story.  But some people like to make judgments based on hearsay, which is something out of your control.  They lack courage and are not your friends.

LJ

Thanks -- this is just hard. I mean, I was the kind of person who may have fallen for her smear campaign against someone else for a while. She constantly trashed other people who had hurt her, and I just believed her. I have deep regrets about it now, but she is/was very persuasive when she plays the victim. And she convinces people -- like she did me -- that it would only hurt her if they confronted the person she is accusing. In some ways, I can't blame the people who believe her -- because I did, too.

[JNChell]

I’d like to echo Lucky Jim here. These situations are unfortunate, but the silver lining is who is still in your life after the smoke settles. As he said, it is depressing to watch unfold and it can weigh on our feelings of self worth. But, I have to say that after the smoke cleared for me, that I have very solid and important people in my life. Fewer? Yes. But it’s a fair trade. Going a little deeper, the experience has allowed me to see that the toxic people in my life, outweighed the support, the good people in my life. I’m glad for that. My circle is now very small, but it’s stable and healthy. I have no doubts about them, and they know my story and accept me as I am. Synergy.

Don’t engage or try to defend yourself against what your ex is doing. She has spent her whole life perfecting being a manipulative person. She’s good at it. Let the chips fall and rest assured that you’ll be okay. Don’t poke the bear. Be wise.

[Lucky Jim]

She constantly trashed other people who had hurt her, and I just believed her. I have deep regrets about it now, but she is/was very persuasive when she plays the victim. And she convinces people -- like she did me

Right, those w/BPD can be quite convincing.  I concur w/JNChell:

She has spent her whole life perfecting being a manipulative person. She’s good at it.

They snow people.  My Ex is a gregarious person and was known as the unofficial 'Mayor" of our small town.  Little did our neighbors know what the "Mayor" was really like behind closed doors.

I suggest you decline to engage, unless someone asks for your side of the story.  Trying to defend yourself with an anti-smear campaign is likely to make things worse.  Instead, I suggest you practice patience.  It takes time, but people will see her true colors.

LJ

[zachira]

When dealing with a smear campaign, there are two types of people who exist on a spectrum, those who believe something just because someone said it, and those who are naturally more sceptical when they hear someone saying something negative about someone else. The people who are easily roped into believing anything they hear, sometimes are able to respond to hearing the other side if the message is clear, simple, and repeated often. It is important to protect yourself as much as possible from a smear campaign especially in certain cases, child alienation and unfounded domestic violence claims as some examples. There are many parents who have lost the love of a child who once truly loved them because the other parent forced the child to take sides in the divorce, and the parent who kept their mouth shut thinking the child would eventually figure it out, lost their child forever. There are men who have pleaded guilty to unfounded accusations of domestic violence because they felt it was not worth the fight, and later were denied a job or fired.
StillStuck,
I do think it is important to pay attention to her smear campaign when it comes to how you could be affected professionally. I suggest you don't go out of your way to talk about her, yet if the subject comes up about your divorce or you notice someone who is part of your professional circle distancing themselves from you who matters to you, I would have a one liner prepared that presents your point of view in a balanced professional way. What do you think you could say to defend yourself in just a few words, that you can easily repeat that is easy to remember for both you and the person hearing it?