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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Thoughts on ex, and my own progress - detaching, but slowly  (Read 431 times)
clvrnn
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« on: April 30, 2020, 11:04:53 AM »

Been a few weeks (months)? since I posted. I think like many people, quarantine has bought up a lot in terms of feelings and thoughts for me.

I was at uni with my ex, which was frustrating and difficult - she didn't speak to me at all, and would avoid me.

Due to Coronavirus, uni was suddenly shut down in the middle of term and we never went back. I think this was probably best, as the thought of attending classes and coming to the end of the degree was causing me some difficulty, emotionally. Going in and hearing my ex be friendly with others, knowing that she had chosen to withdraw from contact with me, especially when I feel that I hadn't actually 'done' anything to her, was very difficult. So, I suppose I am glad that things ended that way, although it's a shame to end the course like that.

I look back on my previous posts and feel like I was erratic, all over the place, highly emotional, not grounded at all. I don't feel like that anymore, things are a lot calmer both emotionally and psychologically. I feel quite embarrassed, looking at them, to be honest!

I still feel quite a bit of pain about everything, though. The way in which I was broken up with still doesn't make much sense to me  - to tell me that her feelings about us had changed because of something that SHE did will never really make sense, to me. I have felt so horrible about myself, that I must be ugly/boring/a terrible person for someone to ignore me and block me, and not even be willing to say "hello" in class, to be content with never speaking to me again... it's very painful.

I know that I am not a particularly 'bad' person, and don't set out to try and hurt people - especially in relationships. I tried my best to make sure that she was happy, because I really wanted to be with her. So, I can't make sense of the blocking/cutting out.

I did read that with BPD, the stronger their attachment to you, the more ruthless the cutting out - it makes sense as a concept, I suppose. If I didn't mean anything to her - good or bad - would she feel the need to avoid even looking at me? I feel as if indifference would mean you wouldn't need to block someone when all they've done is say "hello" after a very long period of NC (and I only really did so because we were in the same class). I don't know.

I feel very forgotten. I do feel as if I have detached significantly - the intense emotional pain that would often manifest into physical symptoms such as headaches, etc, have gone. I do think about her often, but it is definitely dying down slowly and isn't triggered by having to see her or be reminded of the friendship groups that I am no longer able to be part of at uni, etc.

Sometimes I feel quite low about it, because I don't click with many people in life and have never done, and she'd often say the same. It's difficult to try and understand that she probably forms that bond with any partner.

And of course previous rejections and life circumstances don't really help - haven't had the best of lives, and really, just wanted something to work out for me, for once. I think that is at the crux of it all, perhaps.
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daze507
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« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2020, 11:17:13 AM »

Stay strong, you're not alone with this. This feeling of suddenly being absolutely insignificant is horrible to say the least.
Just remember that the bad version of us, it's only in their head, we wouldn't be here writting this if we really were.
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clvrnn
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Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2020, 12:50:19 PM »

Thank you, daze. It did take a while to realise that I wasn't the problem. Staying strong and taking it a day at a time is what I'm trying to do, I think that's all anyone really can do, tbh  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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daze507
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« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2020, 01:13:54 PM »

Exactly, step after step it gets better.
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« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2020, 04:35:28 PM »

question: has time and distance let some of the pain dull, or have you detached from the wounds?

there are key differences.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Cromwell
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« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2020, 05:37:34 PM »

Hi Clvrnn,

Less stressors = easier reflection.

You were going through a lot and juggling it all at the same time. Stress stands out to me, not only the relation itself there were other aspects, final year of uni will be one such part.

Im happy to hear you, and from you, I wondered what had happened and give yourself a pat on the back for going through that very challenging set of circumstances and doing so well.
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clvrnn
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« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2020, 06:10:49 PM »

question: has time and distance let some of the pain dull, or have you detached from the wounds?

there are key differences.

This is a good question. I don't think I have detached from the wounds, although time and distance has dulled the pain of what happened. When thinking about possibly entering a new relationship, for example - I don't know how I would allow myself to become close to someone again without fearing them leaving, or even how I can come to peace with just not knowing why she blocked me, or not knowing whether she feels any remorse, etc. I am still trying to work out what it would take to detach from those wounds, although not being exposed to her definitely helps.
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clvrnn
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Relationship status: Broken Up
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« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2020, 06:14:07 PM »

Hi Clvrnn,

Less stressors = easier reflection.

You were going through a lot and juggling it all at the same time. Stress stands out to me, not only the relation itself there were other aspects, final year of uni will be one such part.

Im happy to hear you, and from you, I wondered what had happened and give yourself a pat on the back for going through that very challenging set of circumstances and doing so well.

Hello Crom, I hope you've been OK? How are things for you, during this pandemic?

Yeah, I don't think I'd realised how stressful and difficult that all was until I actually came away from it all. Having to adopt coping strategies to utilise in class, not looking at her, breathing exercises, grounding techniques, etc. I'm glad it's over.
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clvrnn
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Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2020, 06:19:23 AM »

No, I haven't detached from the wounds at all.

She appears to be 'fine' - although a bad idea, I did look at her social media and found out that she has been in a music video, where she was dancing and full of life. She also has almost 6,000 followers, now (because of her music) and has probably made lots of cool new friends. And probably a new partner (no evidence of that, but I'm not naive).

It is a complete world away from who I knew her as - or who I thought I knew her as. She seems now so confident and happy in herself. Even if she isn't, I just feel as if I have been forgotten and left behind. Which I understand is par for the course with exes, of course.

I suppose this must be a relapse of sorts in that I feel hurt that she is able to freely converse with other people, yet I must remain blocked and ignored and avoided, without even an explanation as to why she changed her mind from "let's start again" to complete silence.

Late last year I did reach a bit of a bad place and had sent a few emails, literally begging her just to tell me "why" - there was no response. I regret doing that, but it's done now. I just don't understand why she couldn't even just say "I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone" - like I have been ignored, my existence completely ignored. It's as if we were never even close, or even knew each other. I look at her and can't believe that she is the same person who I'd do everything with - I feel like I don't know her at all (and I probably don't)

I search my mind for something I did, or said - maybe I was too 'needy' after she ended it - I tried not to be, and tried to act like I was fine with friendship, which is something I had never done with an ex, but I tried to do things differently this time. But I couldn't really manage it, and tried to talk to her and tell her that I'd be taking some time for myself, but she got angry, and wouldn't let me speak about it. So I just left it. Then she ranted at me and called me a stream of names, told me I was toxic, that I was just like her ex, was so hostile towards me (and I have no idea even why). There's just no timeline to any of this that can be made sense of.

And then she just started avoiding me. There were a few looks here and there at uni, so I don't think she was angry with me - they seemed more like remorseful/unsure looks, and I'm certain there were a couple of incidences where she tried to approach me but changed her mind. But she continued to ignore my messages. It didn't make sense because she'd usually say "leave me alone" or "I don't want to talk" - it seemed that she had made the decision to stop talking to me, and I don't know why.

I don't know what it is about that situation that makes me question "why". I had a previous ex change her number without telling me, and I never questioned it, although it did hurt.

When we came back to uni after the summer break, she was acting very withdrawn in class. Very similar to how she acted before, during a previous break up in which she was upset. So I reached out, because that was what we had done before - I'd probably hoped we could recycle, because that's where I was, mentally. She just blocked me, without a word.

Any time she'd come into uni, she was always very withdrawn. She rarely spoke to anyone - she had caused the end of two 'bonds' in the class so I'm guessing didn't have anyone else to talk to. At that time I was looking at her social media, and she was always quite outgoing on there, going out to gigs with people, etc. It was the opposite of how she'd act in class.

I don't know if she just felt too bad about what happened, so couldn't talk to me. I know that BPD makes the sufferer feel an extraordinary amount of shame and guilt, and perhaps she just felt ashamed of how she'd acted, and how she'd ruined the relationship. That is the only thing that makes sense. Otherwise I just fall into the low self-esteem trap of "she hates me" which I've thought about other people in other situations, and have been proven wrong. So I know that kind of thinking isn't accurate at all.

I realise that this is a lot of looking at her behaviour, and I haven't done this for a while - I have been trying a lot to focus on my own life, where I want to be, who I want to be, etc. I don't know why this has been triggered within the last few days.

I feel like I am always going to feel like this. When you hear the phrase "move on" or "let go" it seems so easy. I really wish that I could just be at peace with the fact that she has blocked me and doesn't want to talk, instead of always feeling like I need to know "why". I do sometimes, like today, feel like reaching out, and still feel that one day she might contact me, even though it's been a while now and she hasn't, and has proved that she's just moved on.

(Sorry for the long post, also - I feel that this is probably the only space I can talk about this and feel 'safe')
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Cromwell
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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2020, 03:56:59 PM »

Clvrnn, I missed your post when I was away from the board, so sorry it is nearly 6 weeks I noticed it.

The pandemic itself it has not been so much an issue, it spiked my anxiety at one point, (peaked Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) now has dropped. There is not much to do about it, I try hard to avoid non essential trips to the cookie jar. Smiling (click to insert in post) how are you coping with it?

I feel happy to hear you graduated and in those emotionally turbulent circumstances.

Clvrnn ive read everything but it was 6 weeks ago, we both know how much can change in that time. How does how you felt back then relate to today's here and now? thanks and good to hear from you
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