I just set my first boundary... now what? Advice on setting boundaries?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother just had a huge violent rage outburst.
She asked me to help her hang up the washing and when I turned up she started screaming at me for no reason.
Recently I decided that I won't put up with aggressive yelling- I decided this would be the first boundary I set. It aggravates my anxiety and giving her an audience only feeds her near-performative rage. So I walked away and told her I would speak to her when she wasn't yelling at me anymore. She didn't like that.
As soon as I walked away she followed me and the rage got worse and worse. She mocked my previous remarks about how her rage hurts me (In the past I'd tried being very honest with her about the rage outbursts and my feelings about them. It didn't help, she only got offended, denied it, and now mocks me for it).

I locked myself in my room.
It got worse. I told her we would speak through things one she wasn't angry anymore. She banged on my door and I worried she might break it down.
The thing about her rage is, although it always approaches a violent physicality (throwing objects, threats of self-harm, door slamming), she never quite crosses the line into full physical violence. She has come close to hurting either me or my sister, but thank god it's never quite gotten to that point.
I think two things about her approach to violence.
Firstly, I wonder if she has an actual limit or if she might one day cross into fully physically hurting us. This fear is in part what paralyses me when she explodes.
Secondly, while I am really afraid of it materialising into physical damage, sometimes I wonder if having physical proof of her rage attacks might help her acknowledge that they happen. Usually, after one of her attacks, she denies that it has happened or half-admits having a 'little outburst' but never apologises for it because she thinks we are exaggerating.

So anyway, here I am still locked in my room. I think her rage has passed but I am still afraid of leaving my room and confront her. I have all sorts of thoughts running through my head.
On one hand, I am proud of myself for standing up to her and not standing there to take the brunt of her violence.
On the other hand, I am not sure if I've done this right. I'm afraid I will leave my room and she will accuse me to overreacting to her. I'm worried this will have invalidated my boundary and she will see this as an invitation to cross it. Maybe I should have read more on boundaries before attempting to set one, but truth be told I am just tired of allowing her to yell at me. I was going to say that I'm tired of her yelling at me for something that's not my fault but really, I just don't want to get yelled at by anyone, even if I've done something truly wrong.

I just wanted to ask those of you out there who have more experience with dealing with enraged parents knowing the rage is part of BPD. Has knowing that BPD is behind the rage helped you in dealing with it?
Have your boundaries worked? Is there a correct way of setting them?
How will I know if they are working?

I'd be so grateful for any advice or help or validation. <3

[TeaWithMilk]

My mother just had a huge violent rage outburst.
She asked me to help her hang up the washing and when I turned up she started screaming at me for no reason.
Recently I decided that I won't put up with aggressive yelling- I decided this would be the first boundary I set. It aggravates my anxiety and giving her an audience only feeds her near-performative rage. So I walked away and told her I would speak to her when she wasn't yelling at me anymore. She didn't like that.
As soon as I walked away she followed me and the rage got worse and worse. She mocked my previous remarks about how her rage hurts me (In the past I'd tried being very honest with her about the rage outbursts and my feelings about them. It didn't help, she only got offended, denied it, and now mocks me for it).

I locked myself in my room.
It got worse. I told her we would speak through things one she wasn't angry anymore. She banged on my door and I worried she might break it down.
The thing about her rage is, although it always approaches a violent physicality (throwing objects, threats of self-harm, door slamming), she never quite crosses the line into full physical violence. She has come close to hurting either me or my sister, but thank god it's never quite gotten to that point.
I think two things about her approach to violence.
Firstly, I wonder if she has an actual limit or if she might one day cross into fully physically hurting us. This fear is in part what paralyses me when she explodes.
Secondly, while I am really afraid of it materialising into physical damage, sometimes I wonder if having physical proof of her rage attacks might help her acknowledge that they happen. Usually, after one of her attacks, she denies that it has happened or half-admits having a 'little outburst' but never apologises for it because she thinks we are exaggerating.

So anyway, here I am still locked in my room. I think her rage has passed but I am still afraid of leaving my room and confront her. I have all sorts of thoughts running through my head.
On one hand, I am proud of myself for standing up to her and not standing there to take the brunt of her violence.
On the other hand, I am not sure if I've done this right. I'm afraid I will leave my room and she will accuse me to overreacting to her. I'm worried this will have invalidated my boundary and she will see this as an invitation to cross it. Maybe I should have read more on boundaries before attempting to set one, but truth be told I am just tired of allowing her to yell at me. I was going to say that I'm tired of her yelling at me for something that's not my fault but really, I just don't want to get yelled at by anyone, even if I've done something truly wrong.

I just wanted to ask those of you out there who have more experience with dealing with enraged parents knowing the rage is part of BPD. Has knowing that BPD is behind the rage helped you in dealing with it?
Have your boundaries worked? Is there a correct way of setting them?
How will I know if they are working?

I'd be so grateful for any advice or help or validation. <3

[Panda39]

Good for you TeaWithMilk!  You do not have to stand there and take verbal abuse.

What to do next? Be consistent. If she has stopped yelling you could go help her with the laundry.  If she starts again, tell her again that you will talk with her when she calms down.

I frequently share this simple boundary analogy, I hope it helps.

Boundary...
Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eating good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

We've all seen this at the grocery store...

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want and if it gets them what they want once screaming in the grocery store will likely work again. What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store...the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.



More information on Boundaries and "Extinction Burst"...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Hang in there and keep in mind this is not about hurting your mom it's about protecting yourself.

Panda39

[GaGrl]

Remember that boundaries are based on your values and are for your protection. You cannot change your mother's condition. You can influence how her behavior affects you.

What is your value here, that is critical to maintain for your integrity and mental health? That you will not be verbally abused?

Work on that for a while.

[Boscorelli2010]

Firstly, I wonder if she has an actual limit or if she might one day cross into fully physically hurting us. This fear is in part what paralyses me when she explodes.
Secondly, while I am really afraid of it materialising into physical damage, sometimes I wonder if having physical proof of her rage attacks might help her acknowledge that they happen. Usually, after one of her attacks, she denies that it has happened or half-admits having a 'little outburst' but never apologises for it because she thinks we are exaggerating.

Hey there, first of all you are right. About everything. You are right for feeling the way that you feel. It is completely understandable to feel how you have described after going through such an experience. I hear you, I feel for you.

Of course your first reaction when someone explodes on you with anger is going to be fear. No one likes being on the receiving end of someone yelling, screaming, or banging on the door. I want to say something, and I hope you take it with all the care and compassion I am sending it to you with: don't test those limits of physical violence. Not believing someone, or calling someone's bluff with BPD, will not help anyone or anything; it can make the person with BPD (or your mother in this case) fly off the handle even further and can pose a very real threat to yourself or others. If you ever truly feel unsafe, calling the police may need to be considered. Please don't hesitate if you ever feel this way <3 In terms of proof of her episodes, are you thinking of maybe filming her? This could go both ways... If she knows you're filming her, this might make her even more enraged. If you're able to film her behind the safety of your bedroom door, I don't see the harm in that in case you ever need to show it to someone (the police, for example). Showing the video to her, I'm not sure if that would help change things either. That would have to be something you put some thought into. Something that has helped me in my own recovery (with my mother), is thinking about what my expectations are and what the reality is... take your situation for example, if you know that she never apologizes after her episodes, it might help to change your own thinking, so that you're not waiting for that apology when you know it won't come. Does that make sense?

I just wanted to ask those of you out there who have more experience with dealing with enraged parents knowing the rage is part of BPD. Has knowing that BPD is behind the rage helped you in dealing with it?
Have your boundaries worked? Is there a correct way of setting them?
How will I know if they are working?

I'd be so grateful for any advice or help or validation. <3

Knowing that BPD is behind the rage helped...in the long term. It has taken me a long time to ruminate with it, to really work through the intricacies of BPD, and put up boundaries between myself and my mother to protect my own mental health. Sorting through the emotional element of how the rage made ME feel was tough, especially because I receive zero emotional validation from my mother. Your mother will always challenge the boundaries you set with her, but making them very clear from the beginning, staying consistent, and keeping yourself on your side of the boundary is just as important as keeping her on her side will all help to set you up for success.

I hope that helps... You deserve validation, you deserve to be heard, and I hope I've helped to do that for you <3

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

On one hand, I am proud of myself for standing up to her and not standing there to take the brunt of her violence.
On the other hand, I am not sure if I've done this right. I'm afraid I will leave my room and she will accuse me to overreacting to her. I'm worried this will have invalidated my boundary and she will see this as an invitation to cross it.

I think you did well in terms of not standing there and taking the verbal abuse as well.    Boundaries protect us and as Gagrl said, should be based on our personal values.  If you let your values guide you in terms of deciding what you want to protect yourself from and how you want to do it, there really is no wrong way.  That said, it takes some practice and learning to get the hang of it all.  I am still learning.  

I am not sure I understand your question about your boundary being invalidated if your mom accuses you of over reacting.  Boundaries are for us and govern our behavior not hers.  Her response does not necessarily determine the success of your boundary but your does.  

Your mom probably will push and yell again.  So you end the conversation and get yourself to safety, again.  Every time.  Over time, she may learn that she can not talk to you that way without you ending the conversation and leaving the room.  Consistency on your part is key.  Panda gave you several links, one of which talks about extinction bursts.  Extinction bursts will happen after you start changing the way you interact and your loved one will respond by increasing their undesired behavior and pushing back.  It is what people do and especially what pwBPD (people with BPD) do.  It does not mean your boundary failed.  when you see the extinction bursts it is even more important for you to be consistent in setting your boundaries otherwise you end up reinforcing the bad behavior.

Does that make sense?

[Methuen]

Secondly, while I am really afraid of it materialising into physical damage, sometimes I wonder if having physical proof of her rage attacks might help her acknowledge that they happen.

From my learning and understanding of BPD, having physical proof of her rage attacks to show her will not help in any way.  In fact, it could escalate things and become worse.  BPD's have a distorted way of seeing things, and while that "video" might be evidence/proof to you, she would likely have a very visceral emotional reaction to it that would in no way be helpful.
    But, having said that, we have taken recordings (of phone conversations with SIL), and just stored them.  We hope we never need to use them (she has used her POA to milk FIL for money as he lives with her to the tune of up to $4000/month), but the recordings are also a reminder to us that we are not crazy.   The only use of the recordings we could possibly ever have is with a lawyer, which is unlikely that we would ever choose to go down that road.  Sharing the recordings would not help change her behavior in our situation.  Still, having them gives us a kind of "security" that is more mental than anything else.  
 

I just don't want to get yelled at by anyone, even if I've done something truly wrong.

Absolutely! You are on the right track by setting boundaries.  Your boundaries protect you, so leaving the scene of a verbal attack is a good strategy because it fits with your value of respectful language between people, and not being yelled at by anyone, even if you've done something wrong.  

On the other hand, I am not sure if I've done this right.

You are doing great!  You are treating yourself with respect by not allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.
On the other hand, if she ever says or does a genuinely kind thing (in an unexpected moment), it's just as important to notice a healthy behavior in a positive way, so as to foster more of those moments.
  She sounds like she is going through a really unhealthy spell.  Has she ever been on any medication?

[TeaWithMilk]

thank you all so much for your advice, your validation, your kindness.
It means the world to me to be able to share how I feel and receive these messages from people who understand.