Finally left her, but my mind is ruined

[Downbeat]

One year after my wife of 14 years left me for the man she was cheating on me with, I met someone. I was not ready for a serious relationship, but it progressed so fast and was so easy that I just went with it. I didn't know anything about BPD, and neither did she.

I gradually started to realize something was not right. Initially I wrote off her behaviors as new relationship jitters, but they gradually got more intense and frequent. Rage. Threats. Intensity. Confusion. Emotional blackmail. Relentless.

Finally, after two years I finally decided to end things two days ago. I need to protect my mind and my kids.

My sense of reality has been warped. I hadn't recovered from my divorce, and then endured two years of abuse and manipulation. I gave until I had nothing left. Suicidal thoughts started to overwhelm my mind, and in a moment of clarity I just walked away. It was leave and try, or stay and die.

I wrote her an email explaining that I loved her so much, but that I couldn't take it anymore. I said I didn't blame her, and that we both tried really hard to make it work. I said it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Her reply: "Okay. Please drop my key in my mailbox. I don't feel comfortable with you having it". I've never done a thing to make her feel "uncomfortable" or unsafe. I'm a mild mannered, even tempered man that doesn't like conflict.

And that was it. She's probably forgotten about me already. Out of sight is out of mind for someone with bpd. On to her next rescuer/victim.

It's so hard to know how hard I tried, how much I cared, how much I endured, not to mention the money spent, just to be used up completely and then completely forgotten.

I feel broken and empty. I feel so stupid. I was naive. All the signs were there, but I didn't know what they meant.

Where do I go from here? I feel like I have ptsd. I've been on high alert for so long, always vigilant, not knowing when the next fit of rage would happen. Always trying to protect all the kids (mine as well as hers) from her outbursts. I became codependent without even knowing what that was. I was completely unprepared for this kind of relationship. I was a kind, gentle, patient man that missed being part of a family and I thought I had stumbled into the perfect relationship for me, and for my kids.

I realize I started ranting. I've never written an online post. Sorry for the length. I just need to get it out and to feel like someone might read it and understand what I've been through.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I wrote her an email explaining that I loved her so much, but that I couldn't take it anymore. I said I didn't blame her, and that we both tried really hard to make it work. I said it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Her reply: "Okay. Please drop my key in my mailbox. I don't feel comfortable with you having it". I've never done a thing to make her feel "uncomfortable" or unsafe. I'm a mild mannered, even tempered man that doesn't like conflict.

And that was it. She's probably forgotten about me already. Out of sight is out of mind for someone with bpd. On to her next rescuer/victim.

It's so hard to know how hard I tried, how much I cared, how much I endured, not to mention the money spent, just to be used up completely and then completely forgotten.

there is a huge amount of regret here. i feel your pain.

is some of that regret around the act of breaking up with her itself?

[juju2]

Hi downbeat

so sorry you are going thru this.

It's easy to get overwhelmed.

It's not clear from your story if you did give her key back.

you have had a bit of time to think a little and get space.

Has anything opened up for you.  From hearing your story it sounds like you didn't get a response from your girlfriend that you were expecting.

Am wondering if in a few days you guys could meet and see if anything has become a bit clearer. 
you can always say you were overwhelmed and didn't handle things the way you wanted. ( I am not sure what you feel is good for you...if you are truly done)

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Downbeat:
I'm so sorry that you got into an unhealthy relationship.  It can be easy to do, after a divorce - especially one you didn't initiate.

Finally, after two years I finally decided to end things two days ago. I need to protect my mind and my kids.

It had to be a hard decision to make and I can understand that you are hurting at the moment.
I admire you for taking your children into consideration, as well as making a healthy choice for both you and your children.

It's so hard to know how hard I tried, how much I cared, how much I endured, not to mention the money spent, just to be used up completely and then completely forgotten.

I feel broken and empty. I feel so stupid. I was naive. All the signs were there, but I didn't know what they meant.

You aren't alone with your feelings, as many here share them, when they either missed the "red flags" or ignored them.

What sets you apart from the majority is that you were able to face reality within 2 years.  Many hang on for decades, before reaching their limit.  Others seem to end up with an unhealthy addiction to their partner, i.e. "He/She is the greatest person in the world, when they aren't verbally/physically abusive, raging, etc."

Time to concentrate on self-care & mending anything that needs mending with your children (which I understand are your's and not the ex girlfriend's).

Some issues to explore, before getting in a new relationship:  Are you a people pleaser, rescuer or co-dependent?  What are some healthy attributes you might look for in a new relationship? (constant attributes, not part-time ones that can appear between episodes of dysregulation).

When they show you who they are - believe them (with dysfunctional & emotionally immature episodes).  You can't fix anyone & you are the only one you have the power to change.

[Newview2020]

One year after my wife of 14 years left me for the man she was cheating on me with, I met someone. I was not ready for a serious relationship, but it progressed so fast and was so easy that I just went with it. I didn't know anything about BPD, and neither did she.

I gradually started to realize something was not right. Initially I wrote off her behaviors as new relationship jitters, but they gradually got more intense and frequent. Rage. Threats. Intensity. Confusion. Emotional blackmail. Relentless.

Finally, after two years I finally decided to end things two days ago. I need to protect my mind and my kids.

My sense of reality has been warped. I hadn't recovered from my divorce, and then endured two years of abuse and manipulation. I gave until I had nothing left. Suicidal thoughts started to overwhelm my mind, and in a moment of clarity I just walked away. It was leave and try, or stay and die.

I wrote her an email explaining that I loved her so much, but that I couldn't take it anymore. I said I didn't blame her, and that we both tried really hard to make it work. I said it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Her reply: "Okay. Please drop my key in my mailbox. I don't feel comfortable with you having it". I've never done a thing to make her feel "uncomfortable" or unsafe. I'm a mild mannered, even tempered man that doesn't like conflict.

And that was it. She's probably forgotten about me already. Out of sight is out of mind for someone with bpd. On to her next rescuer/victim.

It's so hard to know how hard I tried, how much I cared, how much I endured, not to mention the money spent, just to be used up completely and then completely forgotten.

I feel broken and empty. I feel so stupid. I was naive. All the signs were there, but I didn't know what they meant.

Where do I go from here? I feel like I have ptsd. I've been on high alert for so long, always vigilant, not knowing when the next fit of rage would happen. Always trying to protect all the kids (mine as well as hers) from her outbursts. I became codependent without even knowing what that was. I was completely unprepared for this kind of relationship. I was a kind, gentle, patient man that missed being part of a family and I thought I had stumbled into the perfect relationship for me, and for my kids.

I realize I started ranting. I've never written an online post. Sorry for the length. I just need to get it out and to feel like someone might read it and understand what I've been through.

Downbeat,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am in a similar place. I don't even know if my relationship is over or not but I know of it is, he'll be exactly as cold and detached as your ex is being.
I also kinda jumped in to my relationship...for the same reasons as you...felt right, it's all loved each other and I just missed having a "family". My husband took his own life 2 years ago and my BPD bf and I have been together this time for 7 months, but we dated years back and have been close friends for 25 years. So when things took off fast I had this feeling like maybe he's the one I should have been with all along. I had no idea what I had just walked into.
I'm in the exact stage as you so perfectly said "leave and try or stay and die". I'm afraid to pull the plug just in case things can get better because when it's good it's awesome but I'm also afraid to leave because I know he'll discard me like used kleenex and I'm so afraid of feeling that pain. I've always had abandonment issues but my husbands death really solidified that...I imagine my BPD bf will rip that wound deep open again.

I can also relate to you feeling like you needed to be the calm one for the sake of all the kids involved. I also hate conflict and am always trying to keep things calm for the kids. My kids and I are extremely close to his daughter and whenever we fight he tells me we'll never see her again. It's just so unfair to the kids and mine have lost so much since their dad passed. I feel like I should have run two months in. It would have been so much easier if I would have ended it then. Now everyone I love will be hurt...except for him of course. He'll be just fine I'm sure. That kills me so much. Makes me feel all the same ways you do...stupid, naive etc. Except, I can so easily say to you that this is not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. You wanted a family again. Your BPD partner made it easy and it felt so right in the beginning. You probably thought life had given you a beautiful blessing after the way your wife left you. It's not your fault. You can't fix this If she won't address her behavior and take responsibility. Has she been in any treatment? Is she aware she is BPD?

Good luck to you my friend. I'm exactly where you are and it's just awful.  Remember, it's not your fault this happened but you can say enough is enough. If you're not really ready for it to end. There's people here...myself included...who understand that too. I wish you the best!

NV