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Author Topic: Feeling foolish  (Read 393 times)
Harrisps

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 36


« on: May 02, 2020, 03:32:11 PM »

I haven’t posted for some time but have been reading the lessons and other people’s stories again recently.

A brief timeline of my story;

June 2013: met my wife online
August 2017: first child, daughter born
August 2018: bought house
March 2019: got married
December 2019: son born

Lots of big choices made in a short period of time.

I feel foolish because  I’ve started a family  with someone who has been extremely difficult to be with for 2.5yrs.

The main trigger is my parents. Mine are certainly not perfect but I am close with them and we get along.

Since very early on after our daughter was born she blamed my parents, or more specifically my relationship with my mother for making her feel so ill.

I love being a parent and love the work of looking after a home but I have let many parts of what I consider family life go by the way side as I’m concerned about the impact it will have on our daughter. For example before lockdown if I took either child to visit, the return home would at some point be filled with rage. So now they don’t see their grandchildren not even on video during this pandemic.

I’m constantly looking for the path of least resistance, however I know long term this isn’t the right path.

I’m wondering if there could be light at the end of a very long tunnel and would like to do what I can from my side to see if that’s true.

I do fear I’ve potentially made some very big foolish decisions but also I don’t want to make another by leaving it all behind when I can’t make a clear judgment. I do have a lot to lose and keep holding onto hope of a better future.

In many ways we are still close to the beginning of raising a family and I am trying to keep some perspective on that, when especially so much has changed in such a short period.

Positives from my wife’s side:

- taking medicine
- engaging with psychotherapy
- has assessment with therapists next week to begin long term weekly psycho analytic therapy 
- would like to feel more in control

Negatives atm: firmly tells me daily that she will not change her feelings towards my parents and continues to paint them black. I feel gutted and caught between a rock and a hard place.

So grateful for this support network. Thank you.
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Harrisps

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 36


« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2020, 02:37:18 PM »

After a couple of reasonably settled days yesterday was a really bad one but not unbearably bad until about 5min before falling asleep...

1.30pm: my wife had online video call assessment for regular therapy to begin
7.30pm: we sat down to talk
8.45pm: dysregulation had begun sometime ago, tried to end the conversation but the pressing became more persistent, so I went for a walk
9.30pm: returned home and my wife was still awake. Cue another round.
9.45pm: I went to bed
10.15pm: my wife came to bed
10.30pm: in an attempt to end another round of projection I said I was going down for a cup of tea. Unfortunately this did nothing to diffuse and my wife got up to storm into our daughters room to sleep. On the way past me she swung her pillow at me followed by each arm and then was on top of me lashing out.

In one second, all the effort I’d put in earlier in the evening at first with my communication and then trying to diffuse, was destroyed as I put my feet up to her stomach to push her away but used too much force and because she had been drinking was not as strong as I know she can be. She stumbled and fell back into a chest of drawers cutting her sole and bruising her back. 

So stupid why did I do that? I’m not an aggressive person and certainly do not agree with domestic violence but over the last 2.5yrs our relationship has brought out reactions in me that are starting to build up a picture of an arsehole - absolutely gutted.

Time to refocus though and learn from this incident because as much as right now I want an end to this trouble I do love my wife and know she is unwell and perhaps atm doesn’t have control over her side.
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Harrisps

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 36


« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2020, 02:43:21 PM »

After a few settled days we’re in the midst of a horrible evening. No alcohol in the house tonight so potentially shouldn’t escalate to uncontrollable levels but it started last night when alcohol was involved.

From around 8.30pm my wife berated me on the sofa until it became nasty. At that point I decided to go to bed. I wasn’t fully asleep when she came up but made sure I wasn’t going to fall asleep. Certain I wasn’t going to repeat tuesdays incident I went downstairs to the toilet. Here she followed me down and blocked the door so I couldn’t get past unless I was prepared to use force which I wasn’t. We there about 5-10min as she pushed and prodded me to react but I remained calm, she gets a real possessed look in her when the anger is that high,  I never get used to how my wife can be so fun and open minded to being locked into a place that takes days to come out of even for respite atm.

Eventually I managed to duck under her arms and get back upstairs. It all went quiet so I went down to check on her and she was passed out with her head on the doormat. I asked her to come to bed but she refused saying she was alright there.

From 6am this morning the bad shutdown mood continued. After not waking up for any night feeds my decided she was going to spend the day in bed. So after a tiring evening, a broken night sleep and an early start I was to look after a baby and entertain a toddler.

She did put our toddler to bed but came down after so full of anger because she hadn’t been able to hold our son or do any of the feeds because I am so controlling... actually I’m absolutely knackered and would’ve loved some help but she wasn’t able to so I scraped through hanging on by a thread for most of the day.

About an hour ago she was telling me to leave. The white hot anger was in full swing until she started lashing her arms at me again. I didn’t feel triggered to react physically at all and kept asking politely for some space and time. It wasn’t having any impact. In the past I have called her parents, called crisis teams, even the police one night. But for several reasons I did not want to go down any of these options. I did say I would call her sister as I knew that would make her back down. I’ve never called her sister for help and realistically never would as I know how much that would send my wife further downhill with thinking everyone thinks she’s out of control.

At that point she left the house for a drive and has since returned. I’m still not sure how the rest of the night will play out but for now at least she is downstairs doing a jigsaw.

My main goal for tonight is to be calm and as understanding as possible and hopefully get some sleep.

Bpd traits combined with long term post natal depression is a horrible cocktail to be part of. I feel there’s so much to lose yet breaking the cycle of these feelings she is consumed by seems harder and harder everyday.

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Harrisps

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 36


« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2020, 02:58:02 PM »

And A horrible cocktail of even more extreme levels for my wife to be suffering such chaotic inner turmoil. I do know that ultimately I could remove myself from being in this relationship but she has this so chronically, it’s like she’s chained to negative thoughts and feelings when I know deep down she wish she was a million miles away from them.
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I Am Redeemed
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2020, 08:19:37 PM »

Hi Harrisps,

What has happened before when you called crisis lines and the police?

Do you have any support for yourself, such as a therapist? Does her therapist know that she has been violent towards you?
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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2020, 08:45:01 PM »

Yes, please tell us some more about her current treatment and how you will be involved. Can you give info to her therapists about the domestic violence?
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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2020, 09:19:52 PM »

How did the police call go?

Do you have a safety plan? You must feel isolated even though you've reached out for help in multiple avenues. You could be at risk for arrest even if you defend yourself.  

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf
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Harrisps

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Posts: 36


« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2020, 04:16:59 PM »

Hi there and thank you for your replies.

I’ve learned that in the UK crisis lines in our particular situation are good for a diffuser but now my wife has a mental health team around I’ve not felt it as worthwhile to call crisis.

When I called the police it was embarrassing as by the time they arrived my wife had calmed down dramatically making us feel like immature time wasters.

At present my wife does want me to be involved in her therapy which on one hand I understand. I have thought about contacting them but at the same time I don’t want to risk muddying the waters. If they can help work through some things our relationship can improve.

Truth is things have been like this for so long I just never feel any better when I talk about what’s going on. It’s so hard for people to understand and then I have a tendency for over sharing, which again can muddy the waters.  If she wasn’t seeking support herself I would feel differently. I do find this site brilliant support though. I do feel understood here and able to find strength when needed.

I do know I have questions to ask and boundaries to set but right now my next goal here is to support and let my wife get settled in with her weekly therapy before steering in those directions, I was thinking 4-6weeks.

I don’t have a safety plan but that is something i will look at putting together as it is hard to think straight in a crisis. Thanks for mentioning it...

After Sunday night my wife wouldn’t get out of bed Monday so I took carers leave to look after children. Around 2pm she apologised for saying horrible things and told me how much she loves me. I believe her, I just know this other side now and really hope time and work can help turn a corner... The last few days have been pretty good which is nice to write about as I’m usually on here when totally in despair but want to make regular posts for the bigger picture.

Have a good night everyone.

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Harrisps

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Posts: 36


« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2020, 04:29:29 PM »

Struggling tonight. After a good week, probably the first full settled week in a long time the wheels came off.

There’s been a couple of tough emotional tests with our toddler, the other day she told me out the blue that she couldn’t see nan and Grandad (my parents) because mummy didn’t want her to.

Today she wouldn’t say to her aunty on the phone for the same reason.

I told her I understand you don’t want to make mummy cry but they all love you very much.

She mentioned it to my wife and my wife in fairness in that moment said you can speak with them.

That was 1pm and that’s when the dysregulation slowly began until 7.30 came and she pushed me from behind down the stairs. No serious injuries.

I left the house and we spoke while I drove. Eventually we came to an understanding that I would come home if there was to be end to the violence.

Of course that just doesn’t seem possible. It’s very much like talking to a toddler as much as you want them to understand and do the right thing they just can’t.

I don’t want to live in house where’s there’s so much aggression but really don’t see any better option right now. My son is only 4 months old, I want to keep them safe by being here, trying so hard to give stability but just don’t know what it’s going to take to break this cycle.

Any mention of my family if it involves either our children or my wife seeing them leads to a horrible period for everyone.

Really can’t believe this is happening for so long.
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I Am Redeemed
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2020, 06:53:20 PM »

I'm glad you were not seriously injured.

You do understand that you could have been, though... right?

How can you protect your children when you cannot protect yourself from violence?

I know that is a hard question. It's one that I asked myself, and was unable to answer, many times while in my abusive relationship. I would encourage you to seek outside help immediately. This situation is not going to improve by your efforts alone. You need a support system that is not remote.

Did you consider at all contacting the police when she pushed you down the stairs?
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Harrisps

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Posts: 36


« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2020, 02:19:05 PM »

Hi IAR,

Thanks again for your support there. I knew last night I would feel better after some sleep but really wanted to get my feelings out there rather than being stuck in my head going round and round.I started to feel better once I’d finished posting.

I will keep seeking professional help in mind, I guess I am reluctant to it as Ive had sessions in the past and they did not know much about BPD but maybe I can find one that does.

I do know it could’ve been worse but I didn’t think about calling the police as I know it would’ve been another case of embarrassment as no doubt things would’ve been a lot calmer by the time they arrived.

I honestly don’t know what to do for best for our kids right now. My brain says buckle up aim and do my bit at trying to better our relationship and see where we are in a year or 2.

My heart is bleeding because it has already caused so much confusion to our toddler and I love my little boy so so much but since he was born we have slid down a mountain we were already struggling to get up.

I feel like I owe it to them both to be strong and navigate this as best as possible and keep hoping for a better future.

I’m hoping for a more settled night tonight but I think after her drinks it could go either way.
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Harrisps

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 36


« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2020, 03:33:38 PM »

Unsurprisingly last night was horrendous but maybe, hopefully it was the peak for a while.

My wife came home ready to push and prod about the issues she has with my family and how they never say sorry to her.

After awhile of ‘no win’ conversation I retreated upstairs. She followed and was becoming more angry. Telling me to leave then blocking me from even leaving the room.

Everything felt like it went from 0-100 in a second. I wanted to reach out to someone but didn’t no who to call. One minute she’s telling me to phone crisis, the next the police. I called her mum in the end. My wife did not like this which I understand but her mum understands her emotions better than anyone else I believe.

My wife then called my mother. Then for some unknown reason, desperation I guess she called the police herself.

So within an hour police are now on their way. They weren’t  here for long just was embarrassing. It didn’t however curb aggression Towards me as soon as they left it started again but thank fully was over pretty quick.

Tonight at least she hasn’t drank and is now sleeping. Fingers crossed for a better night and weekend.

My boundary goal for the next week is to not be on eggshells every time my family call me and vice  versa when calling others. My reason for is one it’s more convenient; not having o take a walk everytime. And 2 hopefully it will help her see I am not hiding anything.

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