My Mother has isolated my brother and his fiance

[Schmem_25]

Hello all,

I am writing to discuss an issue that has been going on between my mother and one of my siblings for over a year now. My brother (I'll call him Joe) started dating his now fiance (I'll call her Kay), and since my mother (who has undiagnosed BPD), has wreaked havoc on their lives, isolating my brother by telling us not to support him and her since they moved in together, and even making statements about not going to their wedding. They have not spoken for close to a year. My brother has blocked her number, and my mother does not speak of him except in anger to us siblings. My family is very religious, and them living together is a sin in her eyes. She also feels betrayed by Joe because his alliance is now not to her, instead to another woman. My mother cannot articulate this, but it is clear to me. My mother last year attempted to keep my brother from graduating by cutting him off financially, when he was very clearly going through difficult financial troubles at the time, being in college and all. Thankfully, with support of my therapist, I was able to stand up to my mother in honor of my brother and convinced my mother to not cut him off. This created a lot of turmoil between the two of us, as I have always been "on her side" and have taken care of her needs my entire life. We have since had a couple of intense discussions, and my parents' marriage has taken a toll because my dad was brought into it. He has always been my mother's child, always in trouble and always at behest of her every whim. He is now in therapy, due to this whole thing with my brother, thank God! She herself is in therapy as well, though as a lot of you probably know, it is intense, long, hard work, and she still does not have an understanding of the negative impact she has had on all of us, including my brother.

Over time, my family and I started to learn more things about my brother's fiance Kay, of whom we believe might herself have BPD. She exhibits very similar traits when comparing her to my mother, including behaviors such as isolating my brother and herself from several friendships, as well as our family (obviously due to the turmoil between my mother and her as well), and she has also been seen yelling at my brother and exhibiting controlling behaviors towards him. She will be very close to someone, and then cut them off suddenly and with little explanation, as I have seen her do to my other brother's wife (they were friends for a time). When I have messaged my brother in the past, he showed her the messages, and some of them were quite vulnerable. One such message relayed to him that he has the right to have a loving, respectful partner. He ended up showing her the message, and she later messaged me about it, trying to convince me that she was a loving supportive partner, but the message was not for her! Though it is natural to share conversations with one's partner, this felt like a crossed boundary. I now don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with him. I worry for his ultimate happiness and that he might have chosen a partner like our mother. From what I can see (as an outsider), Kay and my brother do not have friendships. What I have seen is that they only have each other. I personally do not know Kay well, but in the past year, I have stood up in support of the two of them for the sake of being a supportive sibling and wanting my brother to feel supported if he ever felt that their relationship might not be good for them, where he might feel he could leave with someone's support. Since, Kay has taken this as me showing my alliance for them over my mom. She even asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, though we have only spoken two or three times and do not truly know each other. I did end up saying no to this ask, not in order to align myself with my mother,  just because I didn't want to. I know it's because I have supported them in my way, and because she does not have close girlfriends. My other brother's wife was to be in her wedding, but she out of the blue dis-invited her. That's awkward...Anyway, there's lots of drama there. She ended up taking it well, and has been messaging me and trying to form a friendship. Which I guess I have invited. Because I'm nice and a child of a BPD parent, and I have difficulty with co-dependency. :P

My brother Joe is graduating from college in two weeks, and he doesn't really know that I was the one of whom kept my mother from destroying his life. He and Kay are planning their wedding, and they want to share in that joy with me, because of my support to them (even though I said a polite "no" to being a bridesmaid). I want to be there for him, though I feel pulled between this internalized alliance with my mother, fear for my brother's happiness with Kay, and my own attempts to stay neutral between the two parties.  My mother has spoken about choosing not to go to their wedding in the past. I don't want to go because I don't feel excitement over their engagement, but I obviously want to be there for my brother as a supportive sibling. My mother has yet to congratulate my brother for graduating college. My siblings have exhibited their own alliances with my mother, choosing not to respond to my brother when he reaches out in order to "stay out of the drama", but in turn my brother feels betrayed and more isolated. In the end, it is clear whose "side" each of us is on, though my normal, healthy, support (with boundaries) is perceived as having chosen a side just because everyone else has not supported them in any way.

I am terrified that Kay or Joe or other family members will see this post and will relate this back to me. I think this comes from being a child of a BPD parent. Though there are some family members who are supportive and understand how I feel about it all, I often times feel isolated. I am in therapy once a week, which has helped me tremendously to build up my self-esteem and my own identity as a separate individual, and I am learning healthy boundaries with my mom. It's a PROCESS. I don't think there is a solution, or if there is a "defined problem". There are several, and I know that through my own therapy, I am growing and learning and I'm hopeful that my brother and my mother are too. I don't know about Kay. Maybe in all of this, I am discovering my intense fear that I will too become co-dependent with yet another person with BPD. I feel uncomfortable by this, I feel scared, I feel panicked. I want to support my brother, but I want to have healthy boundaries with Kay too. Does anyone understand my thought process here? I'm hopeful that others can relate to the complications that come with having a BPD parent. I feel like I'm taking my first steps as an individual away from my mom, but again being drawn back into another (Kay). Gahh. Thoughts anyone?

Sending love and light to you all.
Best, Schmem

[JNChell]

Ugh...This sounds very difficult. It’s not at all uncommon for a child of a pwBPD, to end up with a partner wBPD. There is logic that goes into to that that you’ll quickly learn about by interacting with the members here.

Sounds like your mom and SIL are in a toxic competition for your brother. This is where you need to be mindful and not get drawn into triangulation by any of the family members involved. Here’s a link to an article about the Karpman Drama Triangle

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

As much as you may want to intervene and try to save this situation, be mindful of the several facets of it that are present. Your best option is to not inject yourself into the drama. If your brother approaches you, you can be there for him, but he’s an adult and needs to understand and deal with his own stuff.

This sounds like a pretty complex situation that is going to take some time to navigate. What aspect of it would you like to get a healthy grasp on first?

[Schmem_25]

Thank you for your profound comments, the article was as interesting, as it was triggering.    I am afraid of becoming "the rescuer" if I haven't become that already. I think what I would like to focus on is not becoming that enabler between my mother and my brother's fiance. Internally, I feel fear that Kay will turn on me if I do not support her, care for her feelings, give her friendship, etc. It's clear I might be sliding back into the old habits I had with my mom. I want to work on my boundaries with her without isolating her I suppose. I think at this point, my relationship with my brother won't be very deep or real unless my relationship with his fiance becomes deeper, and I don't really want that at this point, in order to work to keep boundaries.

[zachira]

Good for you for standing up for your brother even though you do not particularly care for his fiancee. You have changed some of the unhealthy dynamics already by not going along with some of the polarizing behaviors of your family members. Being in therapy is a good choice in figuring out what boundaries to set with your family members, which battles to fight and which ones to let go. I hurt for you and feel I can empathize with your challenges with your family while realizing that every family is unique in its own ways. I grew up with a mother with BPD, two siblings with BPD, and a father who enabled my mother. You do seem to understand what is going on, though probably one of your biggest challenges may be to deal with how you cannot predict how highly dysfunctional family member will act at a given moment or when they will choose to totally change their minds all of a sudden. You have time to think about the wedding, and in the end, you will either decide to not be a bridesmaid or other things may happen so you are not/are a bridesmaid. We are here to support you and listen. Do let us know how we can be the most helpful, and what your most pressing concerns are at the moment. Having family members with BPD and other challenging members is a long journey of change and growth.

[Schmem_25]

Thank you for your kindness and support! I feel like I just got a big hug