Brand new and need help

[Helpplz]

My husband shows classic signs of BPD and he is aware of it. No official diagnosis but he is being treated for other mental illnesses. I’m trying to keep us together. Where do I start?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Helpplz]

This is my first post. I need to know if I’m in the right group. My husband uses his mental illness a an excuse to guilt trip me and other things that have caused major damage to our marriage. Am I in the right group?

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Helpplz,

Welcome. You are in the right spot to get help.

I am dealing with my own struggles so I’m not in a place to give advice, BUT there are amazing people on this board who will be along to help.

Couple of things I can suggest. Please share some experiences that make you believe your H has BPD traits. Please share what you’re comfortable with, but people here have heard it all — I’ve shared more than my fair share of cringe-worthy stories with zero judgment passed. It is a safe place.

Secondly, I would suggest checking out some of the tools. I get wrapped up in my life and forget to do this until someone reminds me.  It’s a lot to take in, you won’t get it all at once (I’m still trying!), but I find that talking that time helps ground me, even if it’s fleeting. And, the more you revisit, the more it comes together.

So, hang in there. I think you will find this a great resource. Take care of yourself.

[Helpplz]

Thank you. I’m new to this board and have no one to reach out to. My husband came to me thinking that he may have BPD and after reading about it I see where he fits every category.
His behavior as a result of his mental illness has caused me extreme anxiety and stress and has caused problems in our marriage. When an outside force upsets him he finds some way to guilt trip me into believing it’s my fault. Be blames his problems on me and expects me to make up for what outside forces do to him. The behavior comes in waves throughout each day and makes life extremely difficult.
I don’t know how to manage or cope with this problem. He asks for the same things from me over and over again and when I do what he wants the behavior still happens. The more I give to him the more he asks for and expects. Any help that I can get is appreciated.

[Helpplz]

I’m not sure where to start on this...my husband has exhibited BPD behavior for many years and the behavior is very intense. What are some ways to cope? I have no one to talk to about it.

[Turkish]

Hi Helpplz,

The tools that UBPDHelp mentions are in Lesson 3 at the top of the board. Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior

It might help to start with SET for communication (click on the link to the discussion at the bottom). https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I'd be most interested in what specifically are you struggling with and how is it causing you pain.  What is he being treated for and what led you to BPD? Do you feel safe?

[Helpplz]

He came to me with the idea that he may have BPD. He’s being treated for anxiety and depression for now, but it could stop at any moment. We both read through the characteristics of BPD and he fits almost every category. He is also severely afraid of the pandemic and cannot function from day to day. There are waves of mood swings off and on each day and I don’t know what triggers them.

[Turkish]

Truthfully, it could be anything and it's hard not to take personally. My ex is diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  I feel that she also has traits of BPD.  

Someone with BPD feels that their feelings are worthless and don't matter and underneath that can translate to: therefore, I'm worthless, don't matter and an unworthy of being loved.

The unintentional invalidation that we can do is a huge trigger. Hence, the validation tools which can help reduce conflict. I saw it with my ex today. She had to go for a short hike and run to deflate from being with the kids this afternoon. That's what helps her cope: release by exercise. She long ago refused meds her therapist suggested. I don't entirely blame her, as my mother with anxiety, depression, PTSD and BPD got worse when she started meds.

Can you try the validation tools like SET? Is your H open to physical exertion or exercise? That might help. This lock down certainly makes things hard on so many levels...

Edit: it's good that he may agree with BPD, but neither of you are professionals. I'd back away some from the BPD angle when discussing it with him, but rather focus and how you can work together. This is your safe place to discuss the BPD angle 

[Helpplz]

We are trying that as we don’t have a diagnosis. I don’t bring it up in conversation and try to do what I can to not cause any behavioral outbursts. I’m here to look for ways to cope with it. I will read about SET and see if it helps.