Decision to go no contact

[Dilpickle]

Hi,
I don’t want to put any details into this, but after several months of trying to break the cycle of dysfunction following yet another drunken incident that resulted in months of drama, we have felt like we’re getting nowhere with my mother-in-law/family. We have held onto hope that she will “get it,” tried to mend the relationship, and also tried to set reasonable and clear boundaries for ourselves. We have young children and that is the hardest part of all of this. I guess I just want some reassurance? Any advice on telling young children what is going on when no contact seems to be the only answer?

[Kwamina]

Hi Dilpickle and welcome to BPDFamily

You are considering going NC with your mother-in-law, do you believe she has BPD?

You mention another drunken incident resulting in months of drama. Could you tell us a bit more about what has been going on? Would you say your mother-in-law is also an alcoholic?

No matter how you decide to move forward with this relationship, protecting yourself and putting your own well-being first is a very wise move. Especially considering there are also young children involved. How does your mother-in-law generally treat your children?

The Board Parrot

[Dilpickle]

Thank you for your response. It sure seems like BPD really fits her well and I think she is a “functioning” alcoholic (I guess not functioning well when it’s lost her many relationships, but she does hold down a job, pay the bills, etc.) She generally treats the kids OK, though it not as attentive as I would prefer and often says things/acts inappropriately around them. Not on an every occasion basis but on most occasions, especially when drinking (which is most occasions). This recent event/following months of drama showed us that she is willing (capable?) to hurt my children (emotionally, not physically) and that is a huge boundary that my husband and I are firm on setting. She seems to feel us setting this boundary is not accepting her “apology” In my opinion her apologies are always laced with excuses and don’t come with the necessary caveat that the action won’t happen again. I just struggle daily with what’s best for kids, but I don’t want this cycle to happen again when they’re old enough to see/know what’s going on and I also feel it’s totally out of my control as everything is always on her terms.

[Turkish]

How is she (or her behaviors) dangerous to your children?

[Dilpickle]

She makes a lot of empty promises to them. The next day after the incident she wallowed in her room all day. I talked to my FIL about the incident and about this cycle and he suggested I talk to her (he suggested I go into her bedroom, but I said if she wants to talk she can come outside). I told him that I didn’t want to talk to her because every time I do, my words get twisted and it somehow becomes me being cruel and it being my fault when I am just trying to express my feelings (this is why I think BPD). Well she did come talk and I said just play with the kids and we will try to all move on and she ignored my children, told them she would play with them and deliberately did something else. Told us later on she did that on purpose to hurt us (that doesn’t hurt me, that hurts my children!) We tried the following months to say let’s work on our relationship, we don’t want to keep the kids from you we want to try to just have a relationship and move forward (she had said they were sober, but I feel rightfully so, we were a little hesitant to accept that right away when she said “I’m 4 days sober”). We wanted to do things as a family together and they wanted to just take the kids from us and take them to their house (something they ask frequently that makes us uncomfortable, why do you want my kids alone? And if it’s a holiday or weekend, we want to spend time with our kids too! And it’s not like “we’ll take the kids, you go on a date” it’s like can we take one kid only and bring her to our house? Or can we have a sleepover with the kids right when we’re about to go home or can we take the kids for a couple hours to hang out at home or go to my work party) Everything was seemingly going okay-ish and moving in the right direction when she asked “options” to see the kids the night before I was going out of town (mind you this was the first time she asked in 4 months, that frustrated me but I tried to remind myself getting sober is hard) My husband didn’t feel comfortable seeing them on his own yet (as he has been the most hurt by this and previous cycles over the years, in past cycles she likes to get him alone and talk to him that way but not willing to talk with other members of the family or myself, a point that is very important to my husband) Anyway so I said I was going out of town and when I’d be back and it would just have to be after that. Well that did not sit well apparently because since then the tables have turned and it is not their actions or their drinking that is the problem (seems as if they’re drinking again) but our actions, our inability to accept their “apology” and our desire to drag this on for no reason (even though we’ve been trying to move forward with boundaries set since literally the next morning).
So to answer your question she hasn’t done too much to my children except deliberately ignore them, give empty promises, and want to take them alone. I read the article on here about emotional incest and it fits my husband’s childhood to a T. I think a lot of this has come out because now that he is an adult and a parent he is realizing things about his childhood that he thought were normal that he would never do to his children. He has tried (over years) to open up about that to them, but always gets shot down (she was physically abused so she had it worse, she has an excuse for why she was like that, she minimizes his pain). His intention is to make the dynamic healthier for himself and his children, but it is always taken as a personal attack no matter how tactfully it’s said. The love just feels very one-sided

[Turkish]

Given the drinking, I wouldn't trust my kids alone either.

My mom didn't drink, but she was a hoarder of the worst kind, abject filth. I'd never trust her to watch my kids alone. I only found out years later when her former neighbor told me that my mom told her that she resented me that she couldn't watch my son, then around 3-4. She never asked. If she had, no way in hell! We visited, and she visited, but no unsupervised time, no way.