My ex had borderline personality disorder. I think I might as well.

[anonymous_tico]

It's been a little over a month since I last saw my ex (let's call her Paula). We had been together almost four years. After I broke up with my girlfriend before her, I began drinking somewhat heavily (around 10 beers 3 or 4 times per week). Long story short, I got fired from my first job as a general physician, I was having trouble getting into specialty training and my significant other left me. Needless to say, I was down on my knees.

Back then, I used to drink at a bar which doubled as a brothel. I was 26-years-old at the time. It was there that I met Paula. She was different from the other girls who worked there. The other girls were loud, rude, obnoxious, and poorly educated. Paula seemed elegant in comparison. I worked up the courage to speak to her. She told me her name was Marina. That, I recall, was the first of many lies I would hear the following years.

Once we started talking, we hit it off almost immediately. She knew poetry, philosophy, gardening, cooking, and spoke two languages. I asked her why such a beautiful and intelligent woman was working at a brothel, and she told me she recently separated from her husband and needed the money. That night I paid approximately 60 dollars to sleep with her. When we were done she said something I will never forget, "That's the first time I've ever made love to a man." Afterwards, I offered to take her to her house. She agreed to a ride to the bus stop. Before she left, she gave me the most unforgettable kiss I've ever had in my life.

Having exchanged phone numbers, we agreed to go on a date the following week. I asked her if she would rather have dinner, go to the theatre or have a drink. She said, "Why not all three?" And so we did. While I was driving to the different venues, she was masturbating in the passenger's seat. After having a few drinks, we went to a high-end motel (she always went for the most expensive option). We ended up having unprotected sex after knowing each other for less than a week (later on, she would confess having fantasies about getting pregnant). That night, after having sex, she started crying and told me about how her step father sexually assaulted her when she was a little kid. I felt sorry for her and wanted to help her.

The following months went by fairly quickly. We went out on many dates and got to know each other better. Since I didn't feel comfortable taking her home, I ended up paying many hotel rooms. As she gained more confidence, she started telling me stories about her life. She had worked as a high-end escort many years ago, mostly with tourists. While she was working as an escort, she also had a very active sex life with both men and women, including a handful of group experiences.

Some of the stories were frankly horrifying. In example, she once had a double date with her female cousin and they ended up going to a strip club. The men suggested having an intimate time with the strippers. The man she was with had unprotected sex with the stripper so, in order to enact revenge, she went to see her cousin and had a foursome with her cousin, the other man, and the other stripper. The other man, as she recalled it, was very well-endowed.

Another time, she had lesbian sex with a different female cousin (she was 17-years-old at the time). She once hooked up with male twins (she was 15-years-old at the time). She also had lesbian sex with an underage girl she met at a friend's office party. Said party, for some reason, had male strippers (as a side note, I never really understood what sort of parties she went to; my recollection of her life is nothing more than a blurry mess of stories with details that would change every time I asked). I was frankly traumatized from listening to these stories, but she seemed relieved to tell me.

This was also the first time she told me someone (a random man), had abducted her when she was 15-years-old and tried to kill her. In retrospect, I have no idea whether this story is true or not, but she used to break down in tears when she told this particular story. Over the years, I would "learn" an aunt had also tried to kill her. And not only did her stepfather abuse her, but also other family members, such as an uncle, and a few cousins.

During this time, I convinced her to apply to college. As far as I knew, she was 28-years-old at the time (in reality, she was 31-years-old). I payed for a tutor to help her study for her college entrance exams. Unbeknown to me, she had never gotten her General Education Diploma. In her own words, she never told me because she "never wanted to disappoint me".

As far as our relationship goes, she wanted to break up with me whenever there was some minor inconvenience. I regret to admit that during the first year and a half of our relationship, I was always the one to ask her not to leave. The thing is, right now I'm recalling bad memories of our time together, but most of it was wonderful and exciting, and she loved me (as all of you must know) with an intensity I had never before experienced.

Like I said before, time went by quickly. I was busy studying for my own entrance exam, working whenever possible. Paula had long quit working at the brothel (as far as I know, at least), and was busy getting her General Education Diploma. I'm happy to report she was successful and so was I. At the same time, Paula was also able to get hold of a job at a call center. She was happy.

I recall two major events during this time that changed the way I felt about her. First, she had a huge fight with me the night before my job interview (I'm also happy to report I'm currently training to be a specialist). The other major event occurred one day while I was studying. I ignored her, and this was the catalyst for her to go on a drinking binge after church. She ended up doing drugs with one of her neighbors and, after searching for her several hours, I found her outside a bar near her house, completely drunk and high. She had to go to work the next day.

That was it for me. I was so angry with Paula, I slapped a woman for the first time in my life (violence would become a recurring theme in our relationship). I dropped her off at work the next day and told her it was over. Then, for the first time, she was the one who begged me not to leave. Evidently, I gave in, but we had gone past a point of no return and things only got worse from that point onwards.

When I was studying for my exam, I met a young, Christian med student. She was a musician (plays the oboe). We went to a classical music concert together and then we "dated" for 8 months. During those 8 months we never did anything other than hold hands. I used her in order to make Paula feel jealous (the same way she had already made me feel countless times before). I'm definitely not proud of my actions, and I'm glad to say that we (the med student and myself) are still good friends.

This drove Paula insane. More than once, she threatened to kill herself (learning from her, I used the same tactic other times in the future). She also started drinking more and being physically abusive. Everything came to a halt once I finally agreed to stop seeing the med student. Nevertheless, Paula never looked at me again the same way she used to.

As some of you might've already expected, listening to Paula's stories about swinger clubs and group sex and lesbian experiences made me curious (specially after having had a vanilla sex life throughout most of my life). We started going to strip clubs (something we kept on doing until the last days of our relationship). The first time we went to one, I got incredibly excited as a stripper did a lap dance for her. Paula took off her blouse as she sucked on the stripper's nipples. Never before in my life had I seen something so explicit.

After that first experience, we had many more, and every experience was somewhat more daring than the last one. A few times, we payed the strippers to come home (or the hotel room) with us. The last time was hands down the most incredible and pornographic sexual experience of my entire life. As a second side note, the stripper was heavily snorting cocaine and Paula would've done so too if I hadn't stopped her. Paula used to say she had tried cocaine and ecstasy a small number of times, but during our entire relationship, I suspected she had done much more cocaine than she cared to admit.

After about six months, Paula's workplace shut down operations in the country. I urged her to look for a new job as soon as she was let go, but she never did. Unbeknown to me, during this time she smoked massive amounts of cannabis. I genuinely thought she was having a hard time finding a job (specially since she had so little work experience). After a few months, I started giving her an allowance to help with living expenses. In exchange, all she needed to do was apply for jobs. This went on for about four months until I finally realized I wasn't helping her job search at all. Additionally, she started saying I was only giving her money in order to control her.

Thankfully, after a few more months (she spent one whole year unemployed), she finally got a new job at a different call center. She still works there today and enjoys her job. I'm happy for her in regards to her current work situation.

When we were celebrating our third Valentine's Day together, I accidentally saw a message on her phone. It was from a drug dealer. We had a huge fight that night that went on until the following morning. She confessed smoking large amounts of cannabis (except when she was with me). And she also confessed living with her husband. She had met her husband while being an escort, and married soon after. They lived in a rundown house up in the mountains. Her husband smoked cannabis all day long and was waiting to get his retirement money. Meanwhile, they were having money problems, hence one of the reasons why Paula went back to work. I also found out Paula had also worked as a not-so-high-end escort in several massage parlors.

I'll summarize the rest of the story. My trust in Paula was completely gone. As if that weren't enough, I found conversations with other guys on Messenger, more than one dating platform, and WhatsApp. She was sexting with a guy she met on Tinder for 3 or 4 months and even asked me if I would be interested in having a threesome with him (it was her new fantasy). Even though I don't have any definitive proof, based on her YouTube search history, I believe she was used by him (as in, they slept together and then he started ghosting her). I also suspect she cheated with many other men.

At the same time, I also started being unfaithful. The last two years, I have slept with countless prostitutes and strippers, some I regret to say without any protection. So far, I miraculously don't have any sexually transmitted diseases.

I think I have said many horrible things about Paula and myself. Truth is, it wasn't always horrible. I was (and still am) deeply in love with her. Even though I cheated many times, she never once suspected I did so (except with the med student). I wrote several poems and songs for her, because she liked that sort of thing, and showered her with presents that would make her life better. I also actively worked to make her life better (get out of prostitution, seek counseling, get a job). And even though she hurt me countless times, I can also see she cared deeply for me (at least as far as people with borderline personality disorder can care).

One last thing, near the end Paula got really obsessed with YouTube esoteric videos. She would spend hours every day watching videos on Tarot card readings, spiritual videos, religious videos, etc. At first I thought it was a quirk, but then it became more worrisome. She began talking about soulmates and "twin flames" and I believe she thought of myself as a soulmate but not her "twin flame".

A little under three weeks ago, I got into a fight with Paula over the phone. She had agreed to come Friday and was telling me she would instead come Saturday. I was upset because I've been spending most of time alone because of the COVID-19 quarantine. It was silly and I shouldn't have been upset. Last thing she said is that she hates me. After that, she blocked me. I sent her emails for two weeks saying how sorry I was and that I missed her. I am sorry. And I still miss her.

Paula has broken up with me in the past (right before my birthday, when she was sexting with the man she met on Tinder, she broke up with me for a couple of weeks). Nevertheless, she's never totally cut off communication, though, so I know it's finally over. I am sad, but I feel like I finally woke up from a very long nightmare.

I have seen a psychiatrist in the past and have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I had been on several treatments before, which had worked, and had stopped taking them after many years. I recently started treatment again, which is helping me feel better.

To be honest, I don't think I have a borderline personality disorder. The things I have done, I have mostly done while being depressed. Additionally, I don't think I fit many of the diagnostic criteria. That being said, in the end, I don't know if I was any better than Paula. We were both liars, cheaters, manipulators, things which I have never been in the past. We were even violent with each other on several occasions.

I'm glad it's over, but I'm scared to look at myself in the mirror.


As you can probably guess, I am not American. There might be some cultural differences between my culture and yours, dear reader. Try to keep that in mind.

Also, as you might have noticed, I have made an effort to be as blunt as possible. Truth hurts and I'm quite honestly ashamed to read my own story. I hope to be judged fairly by whomever reads this.

Thank you for taking your time to read my story.

[JNChell]

Hey there, anonymous_tico. For starters, no one here is going to judge you. You’ve found a safe place to lay your burden down and talk about it. The thing is, we help each other here and we’re glad that you’re here.

I’m curious. Why do you think that you’re BPD? Most people with personality issues aren’t able to see that about themselves. I was once in your shoes and worried that I had BPD. Life can become very complicated, emotionally and psychologically, when we’re involved in high stress relationships. Especially when we feel like we need to save and be in a relationship that has a pattern of hurting us. Don’t beat yourself up.

Drinking can amplify things. I’m not preaching, just speaking from experience.

Your ex sounds like an unstable person, and you shouldn’t shoulder that. Her stuff, is her stuff, but I’m seeing a deeper issue here, and that is you, your feelings and behaviors. You slapped a woman. Not okay. It sounds like there are drugs and alcohol in the mix. I’m not trying to minimize or take away from the pain and upset that you’re feeling, but I am seeing some very up front things that should be addressed and accepted to even start to crack the ice that you want to break through.

What do you hope to achieve here?

[anonymous_tico]

I’m curious. Why do you think that you’re BPD?

I started copying her behaviors. After a while, we were both cheating, lying, and manipulating each other. I guess I thought I could fight fire with fire.

Drinking can amplify things. I’m not preaching, just speaking from experience.

Definitely. Around half way into our relationship, I urged my ex not to drink. This made things slightly better (more stable, at least). Also, most of the times things got physical between us, alcohol was involved. I’m definitely not drinking at the moment, nor do I want to.

You slapped a woman. Not okay. It sounds like there are drugs and alcohol in the mix.

I’ve never consumed drugs in my life. I tried to convince my ex drugs had an adverse effect on her own life (in example, she spent an entire year unemployed while smoking cannabis). However, I doubt I was successful in doing so.

In regards to the times I hit her, I believe it was a total of three times. After the last time (I got angry because she got drunk and high with whom I thought was her ex husband), I promised myself I would never do it again. And I never did.

I’m definitely not proud of myself. My relationship made me very angry and I didn’t know at the time how to handle that my feelings.

What do you hope to achieve here?

I hope to become the person I was before meeting my ex: nonviolent, goal-oriented, empathetic.

A few weeks ago, I was blind as to just how troublesome my relationship was. I’m glad it’s finally over.

[Lucky Jim]

Most people with personality issues aren’t able to see that about themselves.

Hey anonymous, I agree with JNChell.  If you suffered from BPD, I doubt you would be here writing about it.  Sure, you copied some bad behaviors.  I did, too, and am not proud of some of the things I did.  Don't beat yourself up!  Since parting ways with my BPDxW, I have yet to return to any of these old patterns of behavior.  The nightmare is over, thank goodness.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

If you suffered from BPD, I doubt you would be here writing about it. 

Most people with personality issues aren’t able to see that about themselves.

this is a myth, guys.

there are people on this very forum writing about their bpd traits and diagnoses, all the time. there are people doing so on other forums as well.

people with bpd generally know something is wrong, or off. "could i have these issues/this disorder" is a step that most people suffering take.

I was down on my knees.

anonymous_tico, it sounds like you are at a crisis point, after a downward trajectory. a lot of us who arrive here are. things can get better.

That being said, in the end, I don't know if I was any better than Paula. We were both liars, cheaters, manipulators, things which I have never been in the past. We were even violent with each other on several occasions.

I'm glad it's over, but I'm scared to look at myself in the mirror.

its good that you can see these things. it will help you in recovery, and detachment. looking in the mirror, as hard as it can be, is the way through to a better life.

I recently started treatment again, which is helping me feel better.

what sort of treatment? how is it going?

[JNChell]

this is a myth, guys.

I’ll respectfully disagree with you here. The folks and issues that are discussed here are brought here out of an element of hurt and at least a certain level of self awareness. I don’t want to debate this, and I have compassion for both sides of things that are discussed here. Yes, many people here have traits, but self awareness is also very prevalent. The (traits) are quite often behaviors that are attributed to a bad relationship/s and an adverse FOO situation. There is also hurt and confusion that shows up here. Once that is stabilized, what do you see? pwBPD don’t come here unless they show up on the question board. They are respectfully redirected.

I think that calling it a myth deserves a little more than simply saying it is so. We all have legitimate beliefs here. If you know something that we don’t know, please share.

[Cromwell]

I hope to become the person I was before meeting my ex: nonviolent, goal-oriented, empathetic.

It sounds like you already have what you wish to become?

The relationship is over, there is no ongoing violence - you have goals you are working towards, 4 years in a relationship like this, you have gained empathy.

This was not a walk in the park holding hands relationship, it gave a lot of stimuli, a lot of experiences that were new to you. There was a backdrop of depression, vulnerable when you first met her - alcoholism as a crutch. Well done on getting on track today and this big improvement.

The things you feel ashamed about are highlighted, but there was a lot of kindness and support you gave too from what you relay,  which I feel would help to keep as much emphasis on - a component of the relationship as much as the rest, regardless if it at times did not seem on the surface as fully appreciated from Paula's point of view.

Suspecting having BPD is not uncommon feeling. I found it noteworthy that during the relationship you learned from and to a good extent mimiced some of her behaviours and used them too rather than having them exhibit themselves through a product of your own coping mechanisms and personality.

I think there is key difference in doing this in a tactical, thought out way as well as not having had the diagnostic feature of an irrational but onset of intense devaluation of Paula, rules it out, but if you have any doubts you could ask for a referral.

Try to find the perspective as the wholesome entity you are, the sum total of all of that which makes you. if the shame is sufficient as a factor that it makes it even the more unlikely that you would ever use violence again, is there not something positive there for the future?

[JNChell]

once removed, I greatly value the advice and insight that you provide. I just want to add that I’m not being combative, but I don’t understand where you’re coming from. I’m looking for that understanding so I’m asking questions. That is all.

[anonymous_tico]

I would first of all like to thank all of you for your kind words and input.

Lucky Jim, I am currently taking escitalopram (Lexapro). I have a history of depression. I was first diagnosed when I was 23. They truly do help. I've felt more energetic these past few days.

I am definitely trying to be as positive as possible. It hasn't been easy, though. Since she left, I've been spending most of my time alone. Quarantine doesn't make it any easier. Most week days I'm fine, but I miss her terribly during weekends. I've been trying my best to avoid sending messages and emails. But this hasn't stopped me from spying on social media (apparently, one of her half brothers died recently).

I also have recurring thoughts about her sleeping with other guys. I'm the first to admit this isn't any of my business, but it's still a hurtful thought. The most hurtful thought, however, is that she doesn't miss me at all, and I miss her every single day.

[JNChell]

You’re feeling your feelings, and it sounds like they are still pretty raw. That’s not uncommon. It is very hard when romantic relationships end. The bond that is built around a toxic relationship can make this much worse as far as our feelings are concerned.

When you’re tempted to look at her social media, don’t. Find something else to do. Looking will continue to drive you crazy. Simply don’t do it. It hurts you.

I was very obsessed with whether or not S5’s mom was sleeping around during our many breakups. The reason for that is that she told me about her past, and that was part of her pattern. Another reason why I felt so bad about it is because of my own insecurities and abandonment fears. I also thought that she put a lot of stock in sex, when the reality is that she hates to be alone and will take measures to not have to be. Even if for a short period of time.

I know that it’s hard, but try to focus on not taking things like that personally. Does the thought of her having sex with others cause you to feel that it’s taking her farther away from you?

[anonymous_tico]

Does the thought of her having sex with others cause you to feel that it’s taking her farther away from you?

In a sense, yes. I feel like if I have evidence she is sleeping around, then it’s a clear cut sign that she will never come back.

Before being with me, Paula used to sleep around a lot, having a new affair every couple of weeks or so. She used to call them lovers and would get offended if I referred the them as boyfriends or relationships. I think I’m the longest relationship Paula has had in her life, excluding her husband, whom she’s been married to for the past decade. I know next to nothing about her marriage, other than the fact that her husband is as old as my dad and used to be her client. He is not a wealthy man, and doesn’t seem to care much about Paula’s whereabouts (she spent nearly every weekend with me for the past four years, and before me she used to do the same with her lovers, even going as far as going on long trips with them).

During the last year of our relationship, Paula’s behavior became notoriously conspicuous. I found her sexting several times with a man she met on Tinder. She used to lie about it even when I would find pictures in her phone. Even when she said the man had ghosted her (after they most likely slept together), I would on occasions still find photos in her phone.

Besides her sexting, I would also found conversations on Messenger with some of her lovers. She would almost immediately give them her phone number, probably because she knew it was the best way to keep me in the cold. She would always delete conversations from WhatsApp, and when she came to visit me would always keep her phone with her, even going as far as putting it inside her pillow when she was sleeping.

Paula was a master at distorting the truth. It became so bad I had to question my own reality. In the end, I didn’t know what was true or not and learned to accept what she told me as “real”, even though most of it was probably lies. I believe this is known as gaslighting.

I asked her so many times if she wanted to have an open relationship, or just be friends. Every time I said this she would imply I didn’t love her anymore and assured me she only wanted to be with me. Yeah right. She only wanted to be with me except when she was sleeping around with half a dozen other guys.

The thing that really bothers me is that I made her life significantly better. She has a decent job. She doesn’t need to worry about money. She won’t ever have to sell herself again in order to make a living. She has many nice things (phone, clothes, etc.) which I got her so she could live comfortably. And not only does she not miss me and is probably sleeping around, she’s completely indifferent to my existence. This hurts badly and some days I don’t even want to get up from bed. Some days, I want her back in my life, even with all her flaws.

[Cromwell]

Some days, I want her back in my life, even with all her flaws.

I hear you, some days there are cravings to go back regardless of the suffering already caused.

[once removed]

I think that calling it a myth deserves a little more than simply saying it is so.

from time to time, you will see threads like these on this board and the others: "i think i have BPD"/"do i have BPD?"

inevitably, you will see answers like: "the fact that you are asking if you have BPD means you dont have BPD" or "you have too much self awareness to have BPD, pwBPD dont have that". if you look for them, you will see me posting the same thing here, many years ago.

that is a myth.

moreover, is it helpful?

some important things to know:

-we have diagnosed members here with BPD, so long as they are here to process a relationship with someone with BPD. we always have. people with BPD are all over the internet, in blogs, in other forums, processing their lives and their relationships. so literally, does the idea that people with BPD would never engage in self inquiry pass the smell test?

-you cant "catch" personality disordered traits from being with someone with a personality disorder

-50% of romantic partners of someone with BPD have a personality disorder themselves

-a diagnosis of a personality disorder generally happens one of two ways: a major crisis that forces someone into treatment, or a person asks themselves "do i have ____ personality disorder?" and gets help.

what is true is personality disorders (not exclusive to personality disorders) involve denial. denial doesnt preclude asking "could i have a personality disorder?". virtually anyone who has ever stumbled upon the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder has asked themselves that question.

denial often looks more like:

-i only drink to get to sleep so i cant be an alcoholic
-i only drink when i socialize so i cant be an alcoholic
-what i did wasnt as bad as what they did, i shouldnt beat myself up
-i was only copying/mimicking their behavior, therefore i dont own it
-they pushed me to my limits, but this doesnt happen in my relationships with anyone else (this one, in particular, is something we often say about our exes)

self awareness is also very prevalent.

JNChell, neither you nor i had one fifth the self awareness we have now, when we first came here. no one in crisis does.

self awareness is something that we, as members, as mentors, help each other find, with perspective.

im not suggesting that the answer is to shame anyone. we all did things in our relationships that we regret. its by facing those things, by learning to make better choices, that we have detached. its by cutting through denial. the question to me is how we gently help each other toward, and through that.

anonymous_tico has said to us "i have these issues. what do i do?". as mentors, shouldnt we help guide those who came after tackle their issues?

anonymous_tico, there are two things that stand out to me in your story.

the first is that this was a very troubled relationship. it sounds like trust was essentially non existent.

The thing that really bothers me is that I made her life significantly better. She has a decent job. She doesn’t need to worry about money. She won’t ever have to sell herself again in order to make a living. She has many nice things (phone, clothes, etc.) which I got her so she could live comfortably. And not only does she not miss me and is probably sleeping around, she’s completely indifferent to my existence. This hurts badly and some days I don’t even want to get up from bed. Some days, I want her back in my life, even with all her flaws.

the second is that its clear you gave your all, at your worst and at your best. it sounds like you are really hurting over the breakup, feeling insignificant over what you gave, and that you are probably experiencing depression. does that sound right?

[anonymous_tico]

the second is that its clear you gave your all, at your worst and at your best. it sounds like you are really hurting over the breakup, feeling insignificant over what you gave, and that you are probably experiencing depression. does that sound right?

Yes, I've been experiencing symptoms of depressions. I've recently started treatment again and I had a talk with a psychologist today. It felt nice (although awkward) talking to someone else.

I can't seem to manage to get my ex out of my head. Everything reminds me of her and I find myself constantly remembering our time together (mostly the good parts, but sometimes the bad parts too).

[once removed]

I've recently started treatment again and I had a talk with a psychologist today. It felt nice (although awkward) talking to someone else.

its a good step to take. it will help, and youre not alone in this. over 70% of us arrive here experiencing depression. depression really exacerbates everything...makes it hard to sleep, eat, get any peace of mind...and of course those things exacerbate depression, and it can be a vicious cycle.

I can't seem to manage to get my ex out of my head. Everything reminds me of her and I find myself constantly remembering our time together (mostly the good parts, but sometimes the bad parts too).

these relationships are extreme, for sure. tremendous highs, and tremendous lows and (generally speaking) not a lot in between.

you are grieving, and some of that is natural, but you are also grieving something complex and complicated.

one of the things that really helped me the most was to accept that, and give myself permission so to speak, that what i was going through was "okay". thats not to say i didnt manage it or anything, but that i didnt fight it, or judge it.

whats been standing out in your mind the most?

[anonymous_tico]

whats been standing out in your mind the most?

My whole life used to revolve around her, and it’s mostly the little things I miss about her.

• Receiving good morning and good night messages.
• Whenever I see something she might’ve liked (i.e., yesterday at the supermarket I saw a cream-filled pastry she would’ve died for).
• Sharing poems and music (it had become somewhat of a daily tradition).
• The unbelievable appreciation she had for food (I love to cook and eat and I’ve never met someone before who likes food as much as myself).
• Being hugged at night.

My life seems emptier without her. Days seem to drag on forever. My bed seems too large for myself and the house seems too small. I can’t sleep at night. Whenever I do sleep, I don’t rest.

I wish I could’ve had a proper goodbye.