How do I gain self-confidence after bpd mother's lifelong abuse

[wmm]

 I am participating in therapy groups, one on PTSD and another one on optimism. Before the course about optimism, I did a quiz that showed that I had low self-confidence. I think part of this is because of the emotional and psychological abuse that I endured from my bpdM as a child. I am a people pleaser and a perfectionist. Hearing praise from others makes me feel good about myself. It's very hard for me to be proud of myself and feel good about myself without praise from others. I think this is because I always tried to please my mother so that she wouldn't get mad at me and say hurtful things. I also tried to avoid difficult things in life. My mother grew up with neglectful parents who did not help her succeed. My mother overcorrected this by letting me avoid challenges. I didn't learn how to overcome challenges because of this. I have learned helplessness.

I am unemployed and looking for work. I find applying for jobs, and especially interviews, to be very stressful. I tend to apply for and take jobs that I am overqualified for in order to avoid challenges and stress. I'm afraid of rejection and I don't have the self-confidence to believe that I can take on a challenge. This has had a negative effect on my life and I have been passed over for work due to being overqualified.

I  was participating in an online group class today and I shared something I had learned in school. The leader, who is a doctor and an expert in the field, did not full-heartedly agree with me. He then praised something that someone else said.  I automatically became upset (I didn't tell anyone). I caught myself in this pattern that I have, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I started thinking about the way my bpdM had and still treats me. I knew that my irrational reaction was caused by my need to have others approve of me, especially my mother.

What can I do to gain self-confidence? I am an adult and no longer live with my mother. This means that I am physically safe. I still deal with her emotional and psychological abuse though and I don't know how to stick up for myself or not take the things she says personally. I never stand up for myself in order to avoid conflict. I think this negatively affects my self-confidence.

[JNChell]

Hello, wmm. Damn, gaining self confidence is a hard thing to do. You know, I still begin to shake in public settings. Things as simple as a grocery store. I don’t know if it’s my intuition talking to me, or if I’m just easily agitated. I can’t imagine that every place I go should have that affect on me. It’s my PTSD. When I was in my 20’s and 30’s, I had no symptoms. Now I’m in my 40’s and it’s full on.

You’re still experiencing abuse from your mother. You would like that abuse to end, but you would still like to keep tabs on your mom? More importantly, you want to be happy. What do you want to achieve?

[etown]

Hi wmm,
Thank you for posting about this--it's so familiar to me as the child of an emotionally abusive BPDm. I can remember a number of times where I've talked myself out of challenging opportunities because deep down I didn't believe I was worthy. Or I've taken on work that wasn't what I wanted because I didn't believe I deserved more. I have also found myself seeking positive reinforcement from strange places and being absolutely crushed when I didn't get it--it's made some of my friendships and work situations very complicated over the years.
What has helped me a lot, other than talking this out with a therapist, is meditation. It has helped a lot to find ways to ground myself in my body when I'm getting that panicky escape feeling. I find the writings of Pema Chodron particularly useful because she speaks in a straightforward way about how to deal with conflict and find peace with yourself. You don't have to be a Buddhist to get what she's saying.
But it's definitely a process. It's not like one day I woke up and was like, fixed! I still find my inner monologue tearing me down in the ways my BPDm used to. I still find myself occasionally being hyper aware of how other people are reacting to everything I say. But now that I'm aware of these habits, I can often work through them in the moment rather than have them destroy me for days or weeks.
All this has been aided by my decision to go NC with my BPDm a couple of years ago. Removing her from my life helped me to begin to heal. But I know that's not possible for everyone.
However you choose to move forward, know that there is a future. You sound like you're already on that path and that's something to celebrate!

[Schmem_25]

I  was participating in an online group class today and I shared something I had learned in school. The leader, who is a doctor and an expert in the field, did not full-heartedly agree with me. He then praised something that someone else said.  I automatically became upset (I didn't tell anyone). I caught myself in this pattern that I have, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I started thinking about the way my bpdM had and still treats me. I knew that my irrational reaction was caused by my need to have others approve of me, especially my mother.

I can relate to this so much. This happens to me at work, it used to happen to me more often. Spaces of learning especially are very vulnerable places. There's already that imposter syndrome thing happening, and the PTSD that a lot of us have compounds. When I am triggered, I intentionally play back the scenario over and over in my head in hopes that I will make myself believe that I am not worthless, stupid, incapable, etc, but I cannot. I still can't "shake the feeling", the same way that you said. I think it's important that you're participating in these therapy groups. It sounds like your PTSD is triggered, as mine is in these similar instances. When I'm at work, I'll hear someone talking PLEASE READ about someone's work ethic, and automatically, I want to prove that I am the work ethic they are looking for. I talk these things through in therapy, and it has taken lots and lots of repetition to remind myself in these moments, "Is this true?" "What is the truth of the situation?" I have to say "truth truth truth" in my head like a mantra, in order to stop the cycle.

I have been in therapy for about a year and a half. This I think has helped boost my confidence, has reminded me of my worth, and put into perspective who I truly am as a person (kind, empathetic, SMART, funny, selfless, hard worker), rather than who my mom said I was or needed me to be. My mom often told me that I was selfish, that I only thought about myself, that I was lazy. I carried this for years, sacrificing my needs for the needs of others, feeling FOG whenever I took care of myself, thinking it was my selfish nature that got me kicked out of the house several times, rather than my mom and her projections. My mom needed my full attention at all times, and if it wasn't given to her and I wasn't taking care of her, then she would degrade me in order to get me back under her control. And it worked for years. I recognize now that these were projections, that she thought those things about herself, but is incapable (because of her BPD) of understanding that. It's coming easier for me now to intentionally stop myself and work to change my thought patterns when I get into this shame spiral you were talking about. Maybe try taking a step back and look at yourself from your best friend's eyes, or your partners eyes. What do you see? What do you like? What do YOU want to change (not what do others want to change about you)?

Regardless, with time and therapeutic support, I've seen in myself that it gets better. I hope this is true for you too. Good luck with the job hunt. Remind yourself that you are worth more than you were taught. 

[zachira]

Wmm,
You are experiencing  a lot of the sad side effects of having a mother with BPD. You are certainly taking many steps to heal from how you have been effected. I grew up with a mother with BPD who passed away last summer. Although you no longer live with your mother, you still find yourself suffering emotionally from the ongoing abuse from her, and you are not alone in having this experience with a mother with BPD. I am wondering what you can do to feel safer and less emotionally wounded right now by how your mother mistreats you. I am wondering if you could perhaps distance yourself from her by having fewer interactions with her and ending the interactions when you are being mistreated. Do be patient with yourself, and with time and the hard work you are doing to look at how you have been affected will pay off in big ways.

[wmm]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice and empathy. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone and it's not all in my head. I've been talking to my mother every day because she is retired and injured so she is not able to do much and I was really sick for a while and am unemployed. At first it was nice, but now as I have been experiencing all of these PTSD symptoms I want to distance myself from her like you guys recommended. It's hard because everyone I know is working so I don't have anyone to talk to during the day. The hardest thing is saying no to my mom. I know she would get really upset if I stopped talking to her every day now that she's injured. I'm trying to think of excuses.

[Amethyste]

I could have written this.

[Panda39]

I wanted to share something I did when I had a lack of confidence.  I had been very withdrawn for a long time (was coming out of a bad marriage).  I had some friends but interaction was really only at work mostly about work.  I started small with determination to come out of my shell, push through my fear/anxiety and have a social life.

I went to lunch with one friend at a restaurant that I knew - familiar person/familiar place/comfortable
I went to dinner with two friends at a restaurant that I knew - more people/familiar place/comfortable
The group began to grow and we began going to new places - more people/less familiar places/less comfortable
Friends started bringing spouses/SO's & I had no partner at the time - new people/less familiar places/single/uncomfortable
I did all of this for a year, I just accepted all the invitations I could even though I'm an introvert, even though I was insecure, even though it was new and scary.
By the end I ended up at a Bunko (dice game) party with 80 people and I knew 1 person!  I figured the game would be a great ice-braker and it was...I met 79 people that night and won a little money on top of it!

By going through this, by pushing through my discomfort, I gained confidence.  I could go out again, I could hold conversations, I could find my way to new places, I could meet new people and it could be fun.

I think your awareness of your situation is good, we can't work on fixing it if we don't see the issue.  I know that these issues run deep we can internalize alot of stuff that affect what we feel/think/believe so affect our actions. There is more than my "start small" technique to solve these issues but I thought it might help.  So my advice is to start small.  If you are uncomfortable about interviews, read about them (what makes a good one/what makes a bad one/what are questions you might be asked), maybe have a friend do some practice with you, find a career coach, do career quizzes to see what jobs might be good fit...start small and build on what you learn and experience, push through fear and self doubt and failures. 

Panda39