hopeandchoices
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16
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« on: May 10, 2020, 03:09:42 PM » |
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tl:dr: looking for ways to help my SO combat his self-hatred.
Hello friends,
It's been a while since I have posted on here - mainly because I've been paying attention to the cycles of crises in my partner's life and working hard at applying lots of the things that I learned from here before. I think the way I learn is by talking/discovering, then applying, then learning again, then applying again. I've made lots of progress on issues I had before, so I am here to re-evaluate and learn more! Thank you so much for all the help I received before - I owe you my sanity! Love to all of you. Now onto the new struggles!
I've learned how to behave in such a way that minimises the blame and accusations and general 'black' splitting that characterised my entire existence only a few months ago. I've made lots of changes to the way I approach my partner when he is in a bad place and I am definitely less at the receiving end of blames of not loving or caring at all about him, doing nothing, hating him, etc etc.
HOWEVER, as so often happens in life, this positive has come with a negative.
Since I am less he subject of the blame game, which is progress for him, his own self is now the full bearer of blame. His self hatred is really coming to the surface and is really, really awful at the moment.
I think I can understand it in this way: his self hatred is always here, but, in the past when I did not understand how to respond and couldn't cope, I behaved in ways which made it possible for his logic to make me the bad guy, and so the hatred inside him could be deflected somewhat away from himself and towards me a little. I see this as a classic BPD coping mechanism in articles and things. Now that I am much calmer, validating, and can cope better, I behave in a way that makes it hard for me to be blamed the bad things happening inside him, and so the wrath of his self-loathing is at its strongest and focussed totally on himself, and he is forced believe this horribly skewed and horribly negative view of himself.
Context: he has what I would call 'episodes' which I suppose are emotional dysregulation, they are unpredictable but seem to go in cycles at least have done for the last few months, sometimes lasting a few days, sometimes a week, sometimes a couple of weeks - then he gradually comes out of it, will be ok for a little while, and then go back into one again and so it continues. These 'episodes' are characterized by an extremely sudden drop in mood, self hatred, extreme anger, and extreme and violent self harm, which is his violently punching himself in the head, whacking his head off the bed frame, door frame, door, sink, bath, anything - extremely hard for hours. Yes, he has had brain scans, yes I often have the call the ambulance, yes, his head is black and blue and swollen. It's hard to believe but it really is as extreme as it sounds, and really can go on for hours.
ANYWAY, back to the issue at hand:
Whereas before, if when he was in a bad place, I told him I loved him, he would say that I was a liar - now, when he's struggling and I tell him I love him and others do too, he says that I/we shouldn't. Before, when he was self harming, he would say it was my fault and he can't stop because I'm making it worse - now, when he is self harming he says he deserves it and won't try to stop because he deserves it.
I can tell that he is really feeling the full force of that negative voice that tells him he is worthless, disgusting, evil, deserves nothing but pain and death. I think now that I am a better presence in his life than I was before, this voice is much louder. He blames himself completely for the struggles he is experiencing, and hates himself deeply.
He is at the very early stages of therapy, and is yet to fully build a trusting relationship with his therapist, but I am hoping in the long run, he is able to confront these feelings, and adjust them with the professional.
Until then, does anyone have any experience with ways that they have supported their significant other with their self-loathing? Has anything worked for you? Is there anything practical that you have done, or said, that has helped them to see their value during their crises and not to be wholly consumed by the self-hatred? I think the self hatred is at the core of the self harm, so I do hope when he manages to confront it that the self harm will decrease with it.
At the moment, when he is not in the middle of an 'episode' as explained before, I try to tell him as much as possible that I love him, and that I think he is kind, sweet, smart, generous, lovely, special - all things which I do truly believe. When he's doing ok, he usually says 'really?' or asks 'why?' or just says 'thank you' - but if I try any of those things when he is in an episode, he will say 'you shouldn't', 'i'm not' and insult himself.
Anything to help with his self hatred would be so, so appreciated! Thank you for bearing with my long rambles, and thank you so much for the help you all gave me before, it changed my life. Love you all xxx
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