Mother's Day... Everyone hanging in there?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just checking in. Today is my first Mother's Day during this potentially permanent NC with my FOO, and every ad and email seems intent on "reminding" me about all the gratitude and love I need to be showing my mom today. Many little shots to the gut today. Weathering it better than I hoped, assuming it doesn't all hit later. Been doing a lot of "reminding" of my own today so I don't lose sight of why and how we're here, and how all those Hallmark ideas and images are just that.

As sad as it is, it's also been nice not dreading the uncomfortable FaceTime call I'd be making to my mom otherwise, where she can guilt me for not taking the kids to see her today, or asking my small kids when they're going to come see her. Or dreading the day trip visit where they guilt us for not staying overnight. Or the overnight visit where they guilt me for not moving back to my hometown. Barring any broken "NC defenses" later, it's been a peaceful day thus far!

Trying to focus on the good, trying to give my wife a good day and enjoying the moments. Did a drive-by visit to the in-laws.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the only one for whom this day is difficult. How is everyone doing today?

[ProudDad12]

Just checking in. Today is my first Mother's Day during this potentially permanent NC with my FOO, and every ad and email seems intent on "reminding" me about all the gratitude and love I need to be showing my mom today. Many little shots to the gut today. Weathering it better than I hoped, assuming it doesn't all hit later. Been doing a lot of "reminding" of my own today so I don't lose sight of why and how we're here, and how all those Hallmark ideas and images are just that.

As sad as it is, it's also been nice not dreading the uncomfortable FaceTime call I'd be making to my mom otherwise, where she can guilt me for not taking the kids to see her today, or asking my small kids when they're going to come see her. Or dreading the day trip visit where they guilt us for not staying overnight. Or the overnight visit where they guilt me for not moving back to my hometown. Barring any broken "NC defenses" later, it's been a peaceful day thus far!

Trying to focus on the good, trying to give my wife a good day and enjoying the moments. Did a drive-by visit to the in-laws.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the only one for whom this day is difficult. How is everyone doing today?

[I Am Redeemed]

Sorry for what you're going through, PD, I know that these types of holidays are especially difficult because they are geared towards people who do not have the challenges in relationships that family members of disordered persons do.

Yes, the Hallmark "image" is just that- it does not represent everyone's reality. Please remind yourself (out loud, if you have to) that your mother is not the mother you needed/need, she is not the Hallmark mom that these ads are depicting, and it is not your fault that she has disordered traits that prevent her from facilitating a loving, nurturing relationship with you.

It's okay to feel sad about this. It's part of grieving for the type of relationship we wanted to have with our moms, but didn't

[GaGrl]

Many people don't have s happy or "normal" Mother's Day , for many reasons. My mom and I talked about this today. Sometimes Mother's Day falls in my sister's birthday -- it did this year -- and we lost her to breast cancer at age 32. It makes the day bittersweet for both my mother and me.

Add to that, my mother's mother died in her second pregnancy, when my Mom was only four years old. Her stepmother (uBPD/NPD) certainly never made up for that loss.

[JNChell]

Hey, ProudDad12. It’s commendable that you have given your wife a nice Mother’s Day with everything that is on your plate. I’m sure that you’ve had a lot on your mind.

My adoptive mother died in 2010 from cancer. My bio mom and I are NC after getting to know her a bit. This year I tried to focus on S5 doing something nice for his mom. I helped him make a card for her and we bought some simple, but thoughtful things for her.

I don’t really feel sad today. My mother/s haven’t given me any real reason to feel sad now that I think about it. I think that the sadness of the situation is on their shoulders now.

[Choosinghope]

Hi PD 12,
I was kind of relieved to see your post because it mirrored a lot of the emotional turmoil I've been feeling. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, but it is also nice to be reminded that I'm not the only person out there who doesn't have a "Hallmark" relationship with their mother.

I sent my mom a Mothers Day card a few days back. I also sent her a text saying I love her and happy Mother's Day. I got the card back in the mail marked "Return to Sender." She responded to my text that she would return it too if she could, and how dare I send such a text after what I've done. So, I guess pretty much what I expected. I've been incredibly on the fence about fighting to get back some semblance of a relationship with her, and today finally gave me peace about what to do. There is nothing more to say to her. The battle is over.

On a bright note, I was writing in the card for my MIL, and I realized that I do actually have a mom that I can celebrate this holiday with. Instead of moping and mourning for the mom that I've lost, I should be thankful for the mom that I've gained this year through marriage. I teared up so bad while I was writing in her card and when I gave her a hug today. Through all this pain, there is always hope to cling to. It just might look different than I wanted or expected. I will continue to choose hope, but I will no longer be fighting for the outcome I wanted. I hope that makes sense or resonates with someone here.

[Mata]

For as long as I can remember Mother's day has made me uncomfortable. I always felt like something was missing, either in me or my mom. It felt hollow.  I'd try to give nice gifts or do something special, but it was out of obligation, not true feelings.  It made me feel sad. 

This year I allowed myself to acknowledge for the first time that I don't  like mothers day. 

I dropped off groceries to my mom yesterday and we got to visit at a distance in the courtyard of her assisted living place.  I chose to do it yesterday specifically to avoid being there today.  It was a big relief not to choose not to do anything today.

I also did something kind of odd.  I took down the couple of pictures I had of my mom.  I have a sewing room, and at one point when I was trying to feel 'more connected' to my family, I put out pictures of my parents.  Today I took them down and replaced them with ones of my husband and I. They make me much happier to look at.   I feel like I am ever so slowly starting to reclaim myself from all the FOG.   

[Notwendy]

I send my mother flowers. I can't send one of those cards that say " you are the best mom ever...etc. I do want to acknowlege that she's my mother and has done some good things for her children, but I don't relate to the words on the cards.  I still want to do something nice for her and flowers seem more sincere in a way- a thank you, rather than a " you are the most wonderful mother" card way.

On FB, my friends post lovely pictures of their mothers with nice things to say on them. I rarely post much anyway these days. It feels a bit like looking at a people celebrating a holiday in another country. I think "oh what lovely clothes, or food, or decorations" but it's not familiar to me. My mother didn't act the way my friends' mothers do. Growing up, I was mostly afraid of her.

[GaGrl]

What I admire most about my mother is that, after losing her own mother at age four, then enduring a life with my uBPD/BPD stepgrandmother, she created herself as a mother. She says that times when her stepmother was telecommuters or restrictive, she would think to herself, "When I have children, I won't do ..." or " When I have a family, I will do ... "

The fact that, in the midst of being treated horribly, she could rationally think about how she wanted her own future to look like and be like, is a testament to resiliency. Even though my mom has a few BPD-like traits, I really do get past them primarily because I know how she got to where she is.

Fortunately, my other grandmother, my father's mother, was a warm and accepting woman. No one had to be anyone other than their genuine self to be loved by her. She truly became my mother's second mother.

Perhaps focusing on "creating oneself as a parent" is a technique for letting go of the BPD parenting that was so painful.

[zachira]

This is my first Mother's Day since my mother with BPD died last summer. My Mother's Day began with a six o'clock in the morning call from my BIL leting me know my cousin with BPD passed away. My cousin with BPD was very similar to my mother and indeed they were very good friends. My cousin was a terrible mother to her son, just like my mother was to her children. Both my mother and cousin were loved by some children as they were able to keep up the nice facade for some children who were not their own. I did not cry when my mother died. I cried knowing my cousin had died and felt sad most of the day. In many ways, my cousin was like a mother to me, in that she gave me some of the attention that my mother could not. My mother did the same with my cousin's son, and he loved my mother. I write about this because I know how difficult it is for those who are not the children of the mother with BPD to really see the person with BPD for who they are. I posted last summer about how my cousin smiled and bragged about buying a tombstone for her son at his request, while knowing that her son was telling anybody that would listen that he wanted to die soon. I was talking with a cousin last night, and we both think my cousin's son will die soon as he always has said that his goal in life was to outlive his parents. Both his parents abused him, and for over 30 years he slept on the floor or in a chair and had no bedroom while taking care of both his parents. I did speak up for my cousin's son many times over the years as did some of the neighbors and nothing changed. So sad, and I know that there is little I can do about how impaired so many of my large extended family members are.  

[Notwendy]

I wish I knew more about my mother as a young girl and the onset of her mental illness. I do have sympathy for her for a couple of reasons. Her FOO is narcisistic and invalidating. Just being around them, I feel invisible. I feel sympathy for her. She craves validation and attention, and it might be due to that environment.

I also think she may have been sexually abused. She dissociates so much, it would go along with that. She also has poor boundaries about sexual topics. I have no idea who would have possibly done that.  I don't think it's anyone in her immediate family.  Maybe it was a distant relative or neighbor.

Her FOO completely denies that there's anything "wrong " with her. They constantly sing her praises. But they have to know. She does a good job of covering up her issues in a public situation. It's with her immediate family- my father and us kids that these issues were played out.

She is resilient and knew how to manage on her best skills, and in her era, doing well meant finding a good husband and she did.  My father was smitten with her and her well being became the center of his attention.

She's severely BPD and impaired by that. Ironically, she's grown into her diagnosis. It's "normal" for an elderly woman to need constant assistance. People who know her now don't know that this is how she's always been.

I think she did the best she could with her circumstances. Information about BPD wasn't available when she was growing up. I see her as both helpless and resiliant. I still want to honor her on mother's day and I do that with flowers. But the kind of mother described in the Hallmark cards? She is too impaired to be that kind of mother.

[Schmem_25]

I can definitely relate to this!

Yesterday, I was feeling a lot of guilt when seeing so many Instagram posts with pictures of people's moms, and appreciative comments. Though I am not NC with my mom, I chose not to post anything about my mom honestly just because I wasn't feeling it. I sent my mom a text and we zoomed with the whole family and her later in the day to send our love. That is what I felt comfortable enough doing. I didn't want to feel obligated to make my mom happy (and others I guess) with an appreciation post. I feel like aspects of Mother's Day are for a show. Friends of mine do not have relationships with their mothers, for reasons such as being gay and being shunned by their evangelical families, and Mother's Day is difficult for them. I remember them on this day too. I'm still processing my relationship with my mom, the traumas, the hurtful words, the manipulations and control of my other family members, it's all painful. I don't have appreciation for those behaviors. At times it feels like all of that encompasses her whole person. I felt I would feel fake by posting anything. But I have my doubts. What's a simple, "I love you mom" with a picture? I don't know.

[Notwendy]

I didn't post anything either.

My mother isn't on FB, so she would not have seen it.

It just didn't feel sincere to do it.

I have posted for my Dad on Father's Day. I loved my Dad. He died several years ago. But now, I even hesistate on that one as well. I loved him, and I think he loved me, but he was all about my mother. Nothing wrong with that, you should love your wife, but so much that you allow her to treat your children like she did?

I can't explain it well. More and more, I wonder if he ever really knew me. My mother doesn't. She only sees what is filtered by her distorted thinking, and she influenced my father.

I'm happy for my friends who post about their wonderful relationships with their mothers. But I don't know what that would be like. Posting something like that would feel akward.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
You are wondering about your mother dissociating so much and thinking maybe there is some sexual abuse in her past. I was left in the crib all day to emotionally fend for myself as a baby and have had many years of therapy for chronic dissociation and have never been sexually abused. Both my mother and my maternal grandmother had no capacity for empathy for children even understanding their most basic needs. I often wonder if my mother was sexually abused yet I also think she was an ignored unwanted baby just like me. Perhaps your mother was just ignored as a baby, and left pretty much to emotionally fend for herself.

[Notwendy]

Hi Zachira-

I agree, that's a possible reason. However, my mother's mother basically took care of me for a few years when I was little and she was very attentive. We moved away after that. I  can't imagine she would not have attended to my mother when she was a baby.

It's the next generation that is narcisistic and invalidating. I don't recall that my grandparents were but once we moved, I didn't see them as much. My father's family took care of us a lot. My mother's generation- her FOO didn't have much contact with us.

I know this kind of family pattern doesn't usually show up out of the blue. But sometimes I think this was a case of good parents who turn out to have a BPD child as that happens too.

What made me think sexual abuse is that my mother is innapproptiate sexually - she has poor boundaries with that. She was also very attractive and flirtatious. in her younger years. I have heard of sexual acting out with abuse victims and so wonder if someone abused her in her young teen years.

It's all speculation though. I am so sorry you were neglected like that. I did a form of dissociation- more like daydreaming as a defense to my situation, but I always knew the difference between imagination and reality. With my mother, it's like two different personalities and when she "returns" she doesn't remember what happened.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Just another thought here that may or may not be helpful. I had no interest in children until one day, it was pointed out to me that I did not look at the babies that came to my office. I started to look at the babies after that and learned all I could about healthy interactions with children. Two years after that, a lady at the bank said I know you are a parent and care about children after seeing me interact with a toddler that was running around the bank. In fact, I have no children and did not learn to love them until it was too late to have children. In my work, I have interacted with grandparents raising their grandchildren who apparently were not good parents to their own children yet developed the maturity to be decent parents to their grandchildren. I know we would like to know why our mother with BPD is the way she is and has not given us the unconditional love we deserve. I do think there is a strong genetic component to BPD, and an invalidating childhood environment certainly makes the BPD more likely to be worse. I admire how you are dealing with your mother, treating her well while having boundaries with her that keep you and your children safe.

[Imatter33]

The week was rough, but by the time actual Mother's Day was here I was feeling so much clearer, and happier.
To echo some of the things other members have said about the stereotypical FB posts and such, well I'm in no place at all to write about my mom, or even my MIL. Instead I took to social media to look up topics like #estranged and #difficult relationships. There is a host of relatability within these words and I found comfort.

Not to mention the FOG (over what my siblings may think of me) was nullified by all of them wishing me a happy mothers day.

My NC is akin to a scar. Sometimes it looks uglier than it feels. And its teaching me a lot. And its working not for my moms needs, not for my siblings needs, but for mine.

I am worth it.

I "totally matter" 

Here is the quote that brought me so much peace.

"Hey. I know it's hard and confusing to talk about the wounds you got from your mother. I hope you know your mother wound is not a reflection of you. Your mother wound is a reflection of your mothers unhealed wounds. You deserved to feel safe then. I hope you are safe now."
-Nate Postlethwait

[ProudDad12]

So I haven't been participating here like I wanted to, I've been reading on my phone but with chasing kids and staying up on work it's been chaos at home!

I Am Redeemed, I've definitely been reminding myself out loud a lot. And you're right, it really is a grieving process!

GaGrl, I'm sorry to hear the day is a reminder of so much pain. And as you said, I think the day is painful for many people for many reasons! And I can relate to the part about channeling the BPD issues to try to be a better parent. Our Sunday School class (now via Zoom) has been discussing things like the positives coming out of bad situations. Reading about your mom and using her situation to be a better parent made me think about that.

JNChell, I appreciate the encouragement! And while our situations seem to be different, your last statement alludes to the place I'm trying to get... where I finally accept the idea that the sadness is the product of my family's actions, and not my burden to bear.

Choosinghope, I was guessing I wasn't the only one! Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. Though in my situation I chose not to send a card; trying not to feel guilty about it, but I've found that I have to stay strict with the NC, because any contact at all becomes akin to poking a hornet nest. I'll say the mirroring of ours situations even extends to the MIL part; mine has been very supportive, and has shown me a positive example of what a healthy parent relationship can look like. Have been very grateful for her.

Mata, you hit the nail on the head with the obligation part. While I truly love my mom, the last decade has really changed my view of the world, and I've become more jaded toward my family every year. I always dreaded days like Mother's Day, because I came to see them as another opportunity for my mom to show appreciation for what I do while sending the subtle message that it's not enough. Funny thing about the pictures is we did the same thing last year!

zachira, I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin! And bitter timing at that. It sounds like you and your family have had to deal with a lot. I know it's still soon but I hope things are a little better for you today.

Notwendy, I'm always impressed to see how you manage to maintain a LC relationship with your mom. For what it's worth, my mom was abused as a child and teen. Not sexually to my knowledge, but I've been told of instances of physical abuse that in some situations nearly led to her death. My grandmother was an alcoholic and had some mental health concerns, a fact I didn't learn until later years (side note, while I have very fond memories of my grandmother, I now question my parent's frequent decision to let me stay with her overnight! I feel awful saying that because I loved her dearly, but as a parent I think differently now). Anyway, regarding my mom's difficult childhood, she thinks she "dealt with it" as an adult, but I'm convinced it plays a large part in our issues with my FOO today.

Schmem_25, I hate those FB posts! I deactivated my FB last year so I was spared from seeing them this year. I never made those kind of posts about my mom either. Like you said, it's just fake. Texting your mom and Zooming with them is way more than I did for mine! Since we're 100% NC I did nothing... lot of mixed emotions over that, but trying to not let them bog me down. Funny thing about those FB posts you mentioned is that they have an even deeper meaning for us... my mom would make such posts for everyone in my extended family (SIL, BIL, etc), except my wife. She would either do nothing or do it a day late. It's a small thing but hurts when you notice the comparison to the rest of the family. And the genius of it is we couldn't say anything lest we look like the crazy ones.

Imatter33, just saw your post. Another great quote you found! I'm glad your Mother's Day was better than your week. I also think it's great that you recognize that you're worth it. To someone who hasn't dealt with this stuff it may sound a strange thing to say, but to someone who has dealt with so much FOG and forced responsibility to other's happiness, it's such a crucial and important point.

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone! As always its really nice being able to relate to others with this stuff.

BTW, I see the Father's day ads have begun!

[Notwendy]

Hi Proud Dad- I think we all make choices with the situations we have. With my mom, I knew something was going on but didn't have a "label" or name for it ( she is diagnosed, kept is well hidden).

My main attachment to my parents was to my father and I was pretty much co-dependent with my FOO up until he passed away. I could not imagine being NC with him, and so it wasn't something I considered. I pretty much tolerated my mother because of that.

My mother's abusive behavior escalated during the time my father was ill, and she basically disowned me when he died. If it was any chance of going NC, with her, that was the time to do it. For the first time, I realized I had this choice as it didn't take in to account being NC with my Dad. My Dad was fully on board with her, so NC was both of them, or not NC at all.

But for many reasons, I didn't feel OK with it. At this time, she was an elderly widow. I also have had a lot of counseling and personal work on how to deal with her, and also become less co-dependent.

There's a gender influence here too. I'm the female child, and I don't have a wife. Her behavior with females is different than with males. She likes males better- so she likes my H. She's on her best behavior with him. It's me she doesn't like. This makes the dynamics different with my family. My H doesn't get wrapped up in her drama and tolerates her for short visits. He lets me handle the issues between the two of us. Her behavior doesn't impact my marriage like your situation does with yours.

Ultimately, I think for all of us, dealing with a BPD mom requires a lot of streghth on our parts- NC or LC- and we need choose what is best for our own situations.