hopeandchoices
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 16
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2020, 04:56:57 PM » |
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Hey paperinkhart. I know you wrote that you just wanted to vent, but I thought I would reply anyway so you know that you're not alone in what you're going through! I understand how you feel, and I know it can be really, really difficult to tolerate and can really make you question what it's all worth, and how you got here. What you describe is one of the reasons why being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be really difficult! I think you are right to talk about managing your expectations, and having adjusted them, thinking about whether this path is right for you.
I can personally relate to your story very much. A very similar thing happened with my birthday this year. In previous years (admittedly not last year - wasn't great either! but years before that) my partner would go above and beyond to make my birthday special. Waking up early with special presents, out for a meal, doing whatever I want, making it my special day. He knew that I had been let down on birthdays as a child, and that as an adult they became an important thing for me - to feel loved, special, and like it was 'my day'. However, this year - I knew it would be different because of the global health crisis - but we did nothing. I felt a little upset - I never ask for anything on any other day of the year, but I do like to wake up early on my birthday, do all the things that I love, and open some presents. They don't need to cost anything - handmade or a written 'IOU' would be lovely - just something to symbolise the day. My partner woke up really, really late in the day (around 2pm!) and I had been up since 9am, ready to start my birthday! When he got up, there was a little happy birthday moment, but not much else. He didn't get me any presents at all, and there was no card. He said because the shops were closed he'd get something when the pandemic was over, but he could've ordered online in advance - that's what I would have done. We did end up going to the shops to get snacks for a movie later, but that was it. All in all, my birthday was short, and not really properly acknowledged.
So I definitely relate to your experience of mothers day! I am sorry to hear that you felt let down, hurts, and that it seemed like the day was ruined by the end of it. I completely understand how you feel! It's really hard. And with these specific 'holidays' like mothers day, or birthdays - because they are symbolic dates, it can feel like a real blow to the heart when things go wrong - you have to wait another year for the day to redeem itself! But we must remember that these things are just that - symbols - and we can choose to make of them what we want in our minds.
The truth is, that when BPs are still on their road to recovery, there will be times when they do emotionally let us down. Sometimes it will feel like that's all they do! There will be days when we are blamed, when we are hated, when we are mistreated. Their path to recovery out of the living hell they experience is a long one. It is for us to examine, and decide, whether we are able to walk this path with them. If it is what we want to commit to, and if it's what we think is best. It will be very hard - we have to put up with a lot of pain sometimes in order to provide the constant support that they might need. It is not always possible for us to do this. Sometimes it might just be asking too much of us. It is a decision that takes a lot of time to make.
I personally have made the decision to stick through it with my partner. This has meant that I have had to make a lot of sacrifices. One of those things is expectations of him. Yes, there are lots of times when my BP SO is able to show thoughtfulness, love, affection, and kindness - perhaps not in the same way that he was able to before he developed BPD in adult form (we got together as teens so I watched the BPD take over in early adulthood), but there are also many times where he doesn't, isn't able to provide me with the constant love I provide him, and even times where he mistreats me. I spent many months last year weighing up the options - is it worth it? Are these sacrifices in my life worth the relationship we have? I had to take into account our long history, my love for him, my love for myself, the affects it might have on both of our futures, and what principles of life I want to live by. I decided that I want to walk the path of recovery with him - that I can learn a lot from this, and that it will be worth it if it helps him and supports him on getting better even just a little bit.
However, I really do have to remind myself of my adjusted expectations very often. Our culture is one that constantly bombards us with fairy-tale happy endings, cultural and social norms. It is difficult but I have to check myself when I am feeling let down, disappointed, unloved: 'it's not about you'. It's such a powerful mantra. Even when he screams 'It's all your fault!' or 'I hate you!', or basically ignores my birthday in a way I would never do back, I repeat to myself over and over again: 'it's not about you' (to myself, i.e. it's not about me). Because it isn't. The rollercoaster that BPs exist on is theirs - it doesn't have to be ours. If you know deep down that your partner loves you and cares about you - even if they don't always say it or show it (or hardly do!), then remind yourself of that truth, and remind yourself that the way they behave has much more to do with them and their inner turmoil than it does with you. Hopefully, with time and treatment, our partners will be able to slow their own rollercoasters down, to the point where they are able to be their kind, thoughtful, loving selves much more often than not, and the let downs lessen. That is, again, their long path. It remains your choice if you wish to walk that path with them, taking on board sacrifices of expectations, keeping the knowledge of their love within you rather than their constant expression of it, in the hopes that long term treatment will lead them to behave more in line with what you would expect.
Other than that I really, really relate to how you feel, totally sympathise with how utterly soul-destroying it can feel, and how it can really throw things into question about the life you're living, I just want to encourage you to see some of the positives in you and your SO's behaviour. Please note that how you have felt is 100% valid and I actually feel the exact same way very often when similar things happen to me. I just like to always remember and highlight the good things so that I leave on a more positive note! It was really brilliant that you can recognise your own anxiety triggers from when your partner made some bad jokes. It's such great self-awareness, and even if you weren't happy with how the situation panned out at the time, it's really great that you can retrospectively analyse it. It is also really great that when you left to go home, your partner apologized. It can take a HUGE amount for someone with BPD to accept responsibility and apologize for something. It really is amazing that he is at a point in his journey where he is able to do that without spiralling into really deep self-loathing. It is also incredible that he opened up to you about his fears and vulnerabilities. Many men who don't have BPD would struggle to do this, let alone someone with BPD! It is almost unheard of - so I am really happy that you two are at a place where this is possible, and that you have supported him enough to make him feel like he can apologise and be honest with you and show his true self. One of the biggest things about BPD is the unwillingness to take responsibility for problems because it's all or nothing - much like how they can 'black-or-white' us, they often do it to themselves. They are either a completely blameless victim in their mind in order to protect them from their unrelenting self-loathing, or, if that takes over, their mind paints themself as an evil, disgusting piece of crap that only deserves pain and death. The fact that you have nurtured a relationship where your BP partner feels like he can take responsibility for his part in conflict, AND recognise the root of his fears and vulnerabilities that might cause this without spiralling into all consuming self-hatred, is AMAZING. You should be really proud that you have encouraged a space where this is possible, and proud of him for this too. It is really, really rare.
That being said, it is still really disappointing what happened and really upsetting, but I can see that you are thinking about all of this so well - you have fantastic self awareness, and how you managed things is totally understandable. I relate to you how feel really deeply, and understand the struggle of feeling like some of the love is lost or not there when it really matters. It's a good idea to really, truly adjust your expectations and truly truly live by them, and see if that works for you. If you can't live with those sacrifices, then that's ok too, and then we can re-evaluate. All we can do is try! Well done for trying and well done for getting to a place where many good things can happen too. It's amazing that you can still share moments of love. I hope to get back to that place with my partner one day! Until then, we hold their hands through the pit of fire they walk through every day, and do our best to learn from it. Sending so much love to you. You are doing so well by the sounds of it - you've inspired me. We're all here to support you, and I promise you, almost everyone on this group will have felt what you've written about! You're not alone. Big love xxx
OOH! Almost forgot. What has helped me since the decrease in love and affection is finding it elsewhere. Do you have motherly or fatherly figures like friends in your life who love you unconditionally? Or just a really good friend? Call them. I have two female friends who are like mother-hens. I ring them and we chat - rarely about my relationship but just about anything - and it fills me with love and fills the little holes that have come up whilst my partner is struggling. It really helps. There is a lot of love out there - sometimes we forget it doesn't just need to come from our partners.
-h&c
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