Is it just me?

[Overwhelmedmama]

My adopted 16 D was recently diagnosed with BPD (in addition to years ago she had been diagnosed with attachment). I spend so many days hearing about how everything is all my fault. It’s exhausting. It makes you begin to second guess everything you say and do. It makes you hold your breath constantly in fear of what may cause the next explosion. How can you tell what is “normal” with loving someone with BPD? Is it common that I seem to be the main target of all her rage? Is it normal that she doesn’t seem to have these explosions at school? I see weak and turbulent relationships with her peers but again they don’t seem to get the brunt of her anger. It’s like every little slight in her day is bottled up until I say or do something she doesn’t like or I simply look at her wrong and the explosions begin. The newest doc says I should just let her do what she wants... really? Isn’t that teaching a child they only have to act cruel and they can have their way? Obviously it would make life easier in the short term but won’t that just create an evil monster in the long run? I’m so tired and frustrated. This newest doc has me so confused and overwhelmed. Saying complete opposite then any doc so far. I just don’t know how to fight for my child any more. I’m so busy fighting her docs and her explosions I feel like it’s turning into a vicious cycle. Becoming less about helping my child and becoming more about merely trying to survive this hell. I love my child dearly and want to help... I just don’t know how to any more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome.
It is very frustrating dealing with BPD child issues/ docs/ etc.  What is very important is making sure you have your own network of support.  That can include writing here as much as you need.   Not sure of your health insurance / $$ but many of us have our own therapist as well in order to help us cope and navigate. 
There is a positive here in that your daughter is seeking treatment and is compliant, that is huge.  I would say you already are helping her, even if you don't see evidence of it yet. Is she also on any meds?  Those add to the mix of trial and error and getting the right titration, etc. 

[Bandiro]

I can't say if it's common, but I can say my situation is similar. My daughter never explodes with her friends, or teachers, or friend's parents, or in school, etc.  But I have learned to sense when something happens with any of the above, because I am the one she will rage at. I am also learning to try to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand, but my tactics don't always work and the rages still happen, and the smallest thing can set them off.

My daughter is older (18), but I have found that giving her more freedom has helped keep things calmer in our home. I have loosened my restrictions, and don't ask a lot from her. She is expected to do a few things around the house, and she does delay and complain, but gets them done eventually. The honest truth is I have lowered my expectations for her because that seems to be the only way to keep the peace in my home. I am sure its not helping her in the long run, but at this point I just take it day by day. Good luck with your daughter and I hope you are able to help her and also help yourself!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Overwhelmedmama:
It sounds like a tough situation.  It must be frustrating to be the target.

Is it common that I seem to be the main target of all her rage? Is it normal that she doesn’t seem to have these explosions at school? I see weak and turbulent relationships with her peers but again they don’t seem to get the brunt of her anger. It’s like every little slight in her day is bottled up until I say or do something she doesn’t like or I simply look at her wrong and the explosions begin.    

I'm so sorry that you are the target.  It's common for people with BPD to save up their emotions & then dump them somewhere they feel safe, like home.  It's, also, common for one member of the family to become the main target (Sometimes, the main target can shift from one focal to another, after some event or situation).

She needs some coaching on discovering ways to manage her emotions.  Is she in any type of talk therapy?  Any DBT training.

This newest doc has me so confused and overwhelmed. Saying complete opposite then any doc so far.  

You have to look at the credentials & experience of the doctors.  A psychiatrist with a lot of BPD experience, should have the best advice.  Most Primary Care Doctors would not be able to give the best advice.  Their training & expertise is not focused on mental illness. I suspect that some health care systems try to restrict people to general care doctors as long as they can.  

What type of doctor is your daughter currently seeing?

The link below leads to "Workshops", where you can learn certain communication skills/strategies.  On the first page (there are 3 pages), you will find 3 separate workshops on the topic of "Validation/Don't Invalidate".  

You don't want to validate anything that isn't valid, but it can be important to validate "feelings".  You don't have to agree with the feelings, but you are just acknowledging what she is feeling.  What's most important is that you don't invalidate by word, action, expression or body language.

A 2nd skill you might want to master is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth).  It's a couple of lines down from the validation workshops.

A 3rd skill is to set Boundaries (which are personal to you & you can enforce).  There are a couple of links on the first Workshop page to some lessons on Boundaries.

WORKSHOPS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

A good strategy is to start with one skill, read about it and then start using it.  Many people find that is can be beneficial to post examples here & ask for guidance as your learn each skill.  It takes time & practice, but you will find that it's worthwhile.

[twocrazycats]

My daughter is a little older, 19 now. She is also adopted, and I definitely see an attachment component in her behavior.

In addition to everything that's been mentioned, what works best for me is to project self confidence whenever I interact with her. If I am firm yet calm, I am more likely to be successful at helping her stay calm. When she was younger and would explode in rage, it was really hard to stay calm, but when I did, it was more likely that she'd settle down.

I've been hurt deeply by some of the things she's said and done. I have worked, and am working, on letting those things go. I am working on acceptance that she has a disorder that is hard for her to control. I have also worked on lowering my expectations of her, and have been pleasantly surprised many times. She talks to me about her mood swings, and now I can see that she might have a bipolar component also, or maybe it's just a part of her bpd. It seems like I do not necessarily deal with the same person one day as I did the day before. So I don't expect to deal with the same person tomorrow. Her moods vary that much, and along with the mood, so does the personality. She is aware of much of it but is not currently in any sort of treatment.

I don't by any means have it figured out, but acceptance of the need for different expectations and the need to project the kind of confidence and be what she needs rather than just be myself or just be a normal mom has helped.

This is so hard, but it has really helped me to have this community of other parents dealing with the same or similar issues.
2CC

[Methuen]

Hi Overwhelmedmama,

I'm usually on the parent in-law board, but jumped over here today, and saw your post.  I have a uBPD mom, and found my way onto this site in crisis mode last summer.  I am currently coping with my situation by seeing a T, reading a lot of books on BPD, and also by spending time on this site learning from others.  Somethings you wrote caught my eye.

I think it's a huge positive your daughter was compliant to see a doctor enough times, to actually get a diagnosis.  The diagnosis isn't necessarily the most helpful part, as sometimes the diagnoses can change, but what is helpful is that many of the relationship strategies we use for BPD diagnosis are so helpful for any high conflict relationship.  These strategies are more helpful than the diagnosis itself, if that makes sense.  My uBPD mom has refused to ever see a counsellor.  

It makes you hold your breath constantly in fear of what may cause the next explosion.

I can empathize, because last autumn I was living in fear (and she's 7 minutes away from me).  I can empathize with the distress it can cause to live with this fear of our BPD person.  Especially when we can't predict when the next attack is going to come.  It is  so  important to care for your own physical and mental needs Overwhelmedmama.  You have probably heard this a thousand times already, and are sick of hearing it.  But it's so true.  I never prioritized myself through my life.  I sacrificed myself, and put everybody else's needs first.  I actually believed I was being a good person for doing that.  But it's not helpful in the long game.  If you become mentally and emotionally worn down, she is going to feel that vibe.  If you are mentally and emotionally managing, she is going to feel  that vibe too, and it will help her.  I guess what I'm saying is your state of health will have a ripple effect on her, if that makes sense.  I started taking care of myself about 7 months ago when I was in a crisis, and I'm doing much better now.  I'm also much better equipped mentally to manage my reactions to my mom.

Is it common that I seem to be the main target of all her rage?

Yes yes yes.  It's always the "closest" relationship.  If romantic or spousal, it will be the partner.  If son/daughter, it will be the parent.  In my case, I am an only child, and my mom is a widow, so it's me.  When the BPD "splits" and needs somewhere to project the nastiness and rage, it's on the person they feel "safest" with.  It sounds like she feels safe with you.  She doesn't do that to her friends, because she unconsciously knows she wouldn't get away with it because they could leave her. It's actually not personal. She doesn't hate you.  But it's going to feel like she does when she's having an "episode".  The first time a counsellor told me my mom's behavior wasn't "personal", I didn't believe it, because it felt so personal.  It's taken me a few years to come to accept it's the disease, and it's not personal.  Now I get it.

Having said that, none of this is actually going to change her behavior.  I totally support what others have said.  A "salve" for this disease is "validation".  The best way to do that is SET, ask validating questions, set boundaries, and I would try to avoid "high demand" situations (eg where you tell her to do something now).  This is an example of a lower demand:

My daughter is older (18), but I have found that giving her more freedom has helped keep things calmer in our home. I have loosened my restrictions, and don't ask a lot from her. She is expected to do a few things around the house, and she does delay and complain, but gets them done eventually.

 Just as important, don't JADE.  JADEing will set her off for sure.  JADEing is a "normal" relationship strategy in everyday life all around the world, but for a BPD, they find it invalidating, and it is likely to be a trigger.  These are all things you can do.

If she's amenable to seeing a therapist, DBT training has shown a lot of success as it gives her tangible skills for coping with her emotions.  

The newest doc says I should just let her do what she wants.

The next time you see this doc, I would ask her/him what their experience is with BPD.  Letting her just "do what she wants" completely dismisses all boundaries.  Boundaries are kind of important.  Perhaps BPD just isn't within their scope of experience.  On the other hand, has this Doc given you a solid rationale to explain why they are saying that?  What is the theory behind it?  Maybe they have one, but it would be interesting to hear it.

Saying complete opposite then any doc so far.

Were the other docs more helpful?  Supportive?  Knowledgeable?  What do you think is the difference between this doc and the other docs?  Which doc gives you the most confidence and makes you feel better after the visit?  

I hope it gets better.  For now, maybe start by taking time for yourself.  Do some things to care for yourself, and some things you enjoy.  This is absolutely necessary.  By looking after your own mental health, you will be better able to manage her behaviors.  Best wishes.