Divorce Mediation with BPD Spouse?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My wife has never been professionally diagnosed, but I think that she is suffering from BPD and possibly NPD. We have been married for seven years and she is now actively moving toward divorce. I do not want a divorce. We have two young boys (ages 6 and 4). I love my wife and our sons, and all I want is for our family to get help, but she has rejected my appeals. In March, she threatened to bankrupt us to pressure me into a divorce and then hired an attorney. At that point, I felt I had to engage in order to protect my relationship with our boys, so I found an attorney and responded to her attorney's letter. She then proposed that we meet with a divorce mediator, and we have just begun the mediation process.

Has anyone gone through divorce mediation with a BPD spouse? If so, any thoughts?

[Paulo]

My wife has never been professionally diagnosed, but I think that she is suffering from BPD and possibly NPD. We have been married for seven years and she is now actively moving toward divorce. I do not want a divorce. We have two young boys (ages 6 and 4). I love my wife and our sons, and all I want is for our family to get help, but she has rejected my appeals. In March, she threatened to bankrupt us to pressure me into a divorce and then hired an attorney. At that point, I felt I had to engage in order to protect my relationship with our boys, so I found an attorney and responded to her attorney's letter. She then proposed that we meet with a divorce mediator, and we have just begun the mediation process.

Has anyone gone through divorce mediation with a BPD spouse? If so, any thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

A typical divorce almost always starts with ordered mediation attempts.  Some state laws allow mediation to report which items were successfully mediated so the court handled the rest.  Then later in the case there can be settlement conferences.  If all else fails then there's a trial and the judge decides.

The lawyers may be reasonable, but it also takes two spouses who can be reasonably normal too.  If both can't find a middle ground...

In my case we were ordered to have up to 3 mediation sessions.  At the first session we went through and agreed to all but a few material or financial issues.  We stalled on custody and a parenting schedule.  Ex was determined our son was "her" child, that's how things were in her native culture.  Factoid:  She was born and raised half her childhood in the state I resided in when I met her.  Mediator countered, "We're in the USA, not there."  (Another factoid, but I failed to mention it in the session:  Her mother let her father raise her two older brothers, her mother and the abuser SF raised her and her sister.  Well, I was the father of our male child, according to her parents' example then shouldn't I raise our son?)  Mediator saw we were at an impasse, ended the session and said "Come back when your positions change."  (We didn't go back.)  She didn't want to leave at the same time as me, still posturing as the fearful stbEx, so I stayed behind until she had driven away.  As she walked out the door the mediator commented to the air, "This woman has issues."  After one session.  Mediation failed as expected but at least I tried with good faith efforts.

Since mediation is often the second step — first generally is the temp order for temp custody and parenting schedule — then yes mediation is okay.  However, it often fails because the other spouse is too entitled and demanding.  So you have to enter knowing it will probably fail.  If mediation succeeds then you have to ask yourself whether you negotiated or caved.  It largely depends upon the other spouse's perspectives which can vary from person to person... Is she distracted by a new relationship?  Is she more focused on her adult activities and finances or does she view the children as extensions of herself?

Let me repeat myself.  If you cannot reach common ground then let the mediation fail.  No one will look down on you or criticize you.  If I had met my ex's terms then I would have walked out of the divorce as an alternate weekend dad.  But I stood up for myself and my son's interests as I saw them and though the divorce took longer I walked out with equal time and with school decision making.

By now you've learned you can't make your spouse do anything she resists.  Likely you've held on longer than many other men would have.  Accept that reality.  Get the best (or least bad) custody and parenting order.  Move On.

[livednlearned]

I'm really sorry it's come to this for you, Paulo. These aren't easy marriages and the divorces are often high conflict.

Did she select the mediator? Is the mediator an attorney or a psychologist?

Has the process for how mediation is going to work been spelled out, and how will you decide whether or not the process is working for you?

An excellent resource for those of us with BPD/NPDx spouses is Splitting by Bill Eddy. He describes how a mental illness such as BPD/NPD tends to work in the family law system. Eddy was a former social worker who became a family law attorney and has written his book for people in exactly your situation.

[MeandThee29]

It might work. Bill Eddy as mentioned earlier has had a lot of success with mediation.

I asked my attorney about that a few months in, and he strongly recommended against it. If someone is willing to give and can control themselves, it can be successful.  We just weren't seeing that in trying to get a negotiated settlement (lawyer-to-lawyer).    His gut was that we would eventually get it, and we did. We didn't have to go to court, but the overall case was simple (no house, no custody issues, no business valuation/division issue). My ex just tried to maintain control to the bitter end.

Make sure that if you go that way that you work out your bottom line and what will cause you to walk away. Most attorneys will do that, but it's worth keeping in mind. Mediation is less expensive than a trial but still requires a good amount of prep.

[trappeddad]

Mediation with a bpd ex was a total waste of time for me, as she felt too entitled.    I think your best hope for mediation is if your ex is limited on funds for a trial.     A BPD with Money = No mediation hope.       

[mart555]

Since mediation is unlikely to succeed, try to make it useful by knowing what her position is and you can then use that in court should you get there.  Keep in mind that BPDs feel entitled and think differently: you can NOT reason with them using facts or logic.  No point in arguing with them, it won't lead anywhere.  And whatever might seem fair to you might be seen as a terrible loss for them since they don't win.

I'll also comment briefly on this: " do not want a divorce. We have two young boys (ages 6 and 4). I love my wife and our sons, and all I want is for our family to get help, "

Even if it appeared like a normal family to you and the kids, chances are you'll make many discoveries once she's out and you begin to heal.  This divorce might offer the kids a safe home when they are with you.

[MeandThee29]

I'll also comment briefly on this: " do not want a divorce. We have two young boys (ages 6 and 4). I love my wife and our sons, and all I want is for our family to get help, "

Even if it appeared like a normal family to you and the kids, chances are you'll make many discoveries once she's out and you begin to heal.  This divorce might offer the kids a safe home when they are with you.

Yes, only the OP knows for sure, but a therapist friend of mine talks about "hopium" with his clients in these situations. Basically that means having hope for something to happen that is pretty much beyond reach because of another person's issues. So we keep hoping and hoping to our detriment. Some of us hit a point of crisis and then realize that we have to let go or be pulled down the hole. I don't think I was there until well into the divorce process. I had so very much denial.

Don't underestimate the effect on the kids. I thought I knew, but I didn't. At times I was so occupied with my ex that I missed a lot of what was going on with them. Thankfully they are doing well now.