Worst Nightmare Has Come True

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,

Long time lurker, distantly intermittent poster... I am at my wits' end and in place of a need to vent.

I am a doctor in my final year of fellowship training to become a transplant surgeon. While I am not a psychiatrist, I heavily suspect that my mother who completely shuns doctors/western medicine has BPD. Despite the rages, yelling, unstable relationships both in and outside of the family, and the not-so-vaguely Mommy-Dearest style upbringing, I love her dearly and want only happiness, success, and peace for her. She has had a difficult life, both because of and not because of her own doing, and I appreciate the sacrifices she has made to help me get where I am, and the strong advocate/friend/amazing person she can be when the stars align.

Due to an amazing training opportunity as well as a sense that my parents were needing more help as they aged, I moved closer to home (1hr) for fellowship. Things were generally great (for us) and I hoped a new chapter had opened in our lives. That was until late March when my father unexpectedly died, and in doing so left my mother in quite a bit of debt she did not know existed. She has not worked for years, is too young to get SS, and because of covid felt like ultimately the best option for her was to move in with me. I somewhat agreed with this option, but was leery of how things would go since my childhood basically consisted of me walking on eggshells. Nonetheless, she was sad, unable to support herself, and struggling, so in she moved, and while somewhat apprehensive, I was happy to be able to repay what she had done to help put me in this position.

Readers, it has been 3 days and yet it has felt like 3 decades. Since moving in, she has  created just constant chaos. She cries multiple times a day, threatens suicide by a variety of methods, and continues to tell me that I only took her in because of obligation, not because of love (side note: I think much of love is duty, but maybe I'm boring). We go on walks and while there are at times a sort of tense quiet between us, that is only when we talk about mutually agreed upon subjects (ie how the lawyers are taking too long with dad's estate, how cold the weather is, or cute dogs we see when walking). My adult life has become my adolescence as I feared it would, save now I am not just a transplant surgeon but also her personal assistant sending her emails, fighting with her attorney, filling out job applications for her, finding life insurance paperwork, and trying to keep her from actually killing herself/getting into fights with her because I will not go get her fentanyl to actually end her life (and also end my career in the process).

On moving day, she met my boyfriend of three months who works in the ORs but is not a doctor. He is a shy guy to be fair, and is much more domestic than I am, but he's kind, takes care of my dog when im operating late, and supports my career ambitions. Because of this and his desire to socially distance as able while helping us move, she decided that he's a freeloader who only wants me because of the money I'll make one day. She likens him to total weirdos like Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. She makes fun of his handshake, lack of eye contact with her, and his job. Sometimes, I'll wake up in the early morning to hear her talking to herself saying that I'm desperate and will date anyone who looks at me (edit: I'm 37, never been married, have been single for most of my adult life). She was rude to him and went on a man-hating tirade while he was helping set up our TV/internet and after he had helped her move stuff into his basement so she didn't have to pay for storage.

Since I refuse to engage in discussions of him with her or agree to just break things off, she now threatens to leave our luxury apartment (which she likens to prison), kill herself, disown me, or never give me a cent of the remaining life insurance money if I continue to see this man. I personally dont want any of her money because I want her to use it to live on her own after she gets even a part-time job.

I have taken vacation this week to help her adjust and I wish I had not. There is no escape and I refuse to be treated like a child or talked down to in the house I am paying for to keep the two of us safe. She has hated every friend, every man I've ever mentioned, and certainly every boyfriend I have ever had. Some of those friends and boyfriends were certainly not winners, but looking back, she has actually actively hated every single one of them. I cannot help but believe that she just wants me alone and sad like she is. Maybe the current boy isn't the one I marry, but Im not going to dance to her tune. I worry what the implications of that will be since she's now living in my house. I dont want her to be homeless, and I also dont want her to kill herself (but she's been threatening that since I was in elementary school). I guess I'll just be disowned again.

It just sucks. I always worried that my dad would go first. He was always the kind, if somewhat distant parent. I knew she'd never be able to fend for herself and that there was a chance she'd end up living with me. Now here we are and it's as horrible as I expected... maybe even worse. 

[SaltyCheese]

Hi All,

Long time lurker, distantly intermittent poster... I am at my wits' end and in place of a need to vent.

I am a doctor in my final year of fellowship training to become a transplant surgeon. While I am not a psychiatrist, I heavily suspect that my mother who completely shuns doctors/western medicine has BPD. Despite the rages, yelling, unstable relationships both in and outside of the family, and the not-so-vaguely Mommy-Dearest style upbringing, I love her dearly and want only happiness, success, and peace for her. She has had a difficult life, both because of and not because of her own doing, and I appreciate the sacrifices she has made to help me get where I am, and the strong advocate/friend/amazing person she can be when the stars align.

Due to an amazing training opportunity as well as a sense that my parents were needing more help as they aged, I moved closer to home (1hr) for fellowship. Things were generally great (for us) and I hoped a new chapter had opened in our lives. That was until late March when my father unexpectedly died, and in doing so left my mother in quite a bit of debt she did not know existed. She has not worked for years, is too young to get SS, and because of covid felt like ultimately the best option for her was to move in with me. I somewhat agreed with this option, but was leery of how things would go since my childhood basically consisted of me walking on eggshells. Nonetheless, she was sad, unable to support herself, and struggling, so in she moved, and while somewhat apprehensive, I was happy to be able to repay what she had done to help put me in this position.

Readers, it has been 3 days and yet it has felt like 3 decades. Since moving in, she has  created just constant chaos. She cries multiple times a day, threatens suicide by a variety of methods, and continues to tell me that I only took her in because of obligation, not because of love (side note: I think much of love is duty, but maybe I'm boring). We go on walks and while there are at times a sort of tense quiet between us, that is only when we talk about mutually agreed upon subjects (ie how the lawyers are taking too long with dad's estate, how cold the weather is, or cute dogs we see when walking). My adult life has become my adolescence as I feared it would, save now I am not just a transplant surgeon but also her personal assistant sending her emails, fighting with her attorney, filling out job applications for her, finding life insurance paperwork, and trying to keep her from actually killing herself/getting into fights with her because I will not go get her fentanyl to actually end her life (and also end my career in the process).

On moving day, she met my boyfriend of three months who works in the ORs but is not a doctor. He is a shy guy to be fair, and is much more domestic than I am, but he's kind, takes care of my dog when im operating late, and supports my career ambitions. Because of this and his desire to socially distance as able while helping us move, she decided that he's a freeloader who only wants me because of the money I'll make one day. She likens him to total weirdos like Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. She makes fun of his handshake, lack of eye contact with her, and his job. Sometimes, I'll wake up in the early morning to hear her talking to herself saying that I'm desperate and will date anyone who looks at me (edit: I'm 37, never been married, have been single for most of my adult life). She was rude to him and went on a man-hating tirade while he was helping set up our TV/internet and after he had helped her move stuff into his basement so she didn't have to pay for storage.

Since I refuse to engage in discussions of him with her or agree to just break things off, she now threatens to leave our luxury apartment (which she likens to prison), kill herself, disown me, or never give me a cent of the remaining life insurance money if I continue to see this man. I personally dont want any of her money because I want her to use it to live on her own after she gets even a part-time job.

I have taken vacation this week to help her adjust and I wish I had not. There is no escape and I refuse to be treated like a child or talked down to in the house I am paying for to keep the two of us safe. She has hated every friend, every man I've ever mentioned, and certainly every boyfriend I have ever had. Some of those friends and boyfriends were certainly not winners, but looking back, she has actually actively hated every single one of them. I cannot help but believe that she just wants me alone and sad like she is. Maybe the current boy isn't the one I marry, but Im not going to dance to her tune. I worry what the implications of that will be since she's now living in my house. I dont want her to be homeless, and I also dont want her to kill herself (but she's been threatening that since I was in elementary school). I guess I'll just be disowned again.

It just sucks. I always worried that my dad would go first. He was always the kind, if somewhat distant parent. I knew she'd never be able to fend for herself and that there was a chance she'd end up living with me. Now here we are and it's as horrible as I expected... maybe even worse. 

[Choosinghope]

Hi SaltyCheese (love the name  ,

I will start  by saying that reading your post just makes me angry at how poorly your mom is treating you. I can only imagine how frustrated and trapped you are feeling right now. I am sure that it is especially frustrating for you to feel like the "child" again in your own home. Unfortunately, the advice I have isn't necessarily the kindest.

Since I refuse to engage in discussions of him with her or agree to just break things off, she now threatens to leave our luxury apartment (which she likens to prison), kill herself, disown me, or never give me a cent of the remaining life insurance money if I continue to see this man. I personally dont want any of her money because I want her to use it to live on her own after she gets even a part-time job.

She is an adult. She is certainly not acting like one right now, but she is ultimately responsible for her actions. She is emotionally blackmailing you to get her way and still control your life, even though you are 37. There is a great article on this site about emotional blackmail that really helped me understand what my mom was doing to her. I would recommend looking at it a bit and seeing if anything there resonates with you. It's certainly not easy, but I would suggest not caving to any of her "threats." You could say something like, "That is very sad to hear, but I will respect whatever choice you make." I can only imagine how she would react if you said that to a suicide threat, but if she seems determined you can always call the police or a suicide hotline. If you demonstrate that you've taken her power away to threaten, my guess is that the threats will stop, or at least lessen.

The other note I have, just on a personal level, is to not let your mom dictate a single thing that you do in your life, especially in regards to romantic relationships. Right after I got married, my mom decided that my H was abusive (completely a lie), and she gave me an ultimatum to leave him or she was done with me. I have zero regrets about choosing my H over her. Even if this isn't the man that you're going to marry, don't let her spoil any of your current happiness with him. Just my two cents.

[Methuen]

Hi SaltyCheese,

First let me express my sincere condolences for the loss of your father.

... left my mother in quite a bit of debt she did not know existed. She has not worked for years, is too young to get SS, and because of covid felt like ultimately the best option for her was to move in with me.

This would be an extraordinary amount of loss, and change and stress for a "non", but for a pwBPD, this level of stress is likely to cause the emotions to go off the rails, so unfortunately it is predictable that she is causing chaos, and 3days feels like 3 decades, and this feels like a worst case scenario which has come to pass for you.

Since BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation, and her emotions (eg fear, anger) are probably x100 of a "non" in her same circumstance, a key to support her to settle her emotions would be to use SET.  If you have already tried SET, how did that work out?

However, if her emotions are too out of control for SET to work, you may have to focus instead on how to protect yourself.

She cries multiple times a day, threatens suicide by a variety of methods

Hmm.  Anyone experiencing the loss of a spouse and the ensuing life change from that, might need a little help, even without BPD.  I'm not suggesting it's depression, but a few months after my dad passed away, I had to pack my mom up and take her to her family Dr.  I didn't tell her in advance where I was taking her, because she would have refused to get in the car.  My mom was crying all the time, and talking about jumping off the bridge, or swallowing all her heart pills.  She fell apart in the Dr office, he prescribed anti-depressants, and she very slowly came back together again.  Not gonna lie, it was rough for her, but also for H and I, so I feel for you.  I believe that BPD's are simply incapable of managing their emotions even under "normal" circumstance because "triggers" happen spontaneously, and they can't manage them.  But after the loss of her H, the shock of discovering unexpected debt, and a lack of either skills or confidence or opportunity to re-enter the workforce (due Covid), it is entirely predictable that she can't cope emotionally.  She's taking it out on you because you are the person she feels the safest with to release the volcano inside of her.  It will feel personal (in my experience).  It isn't: it's the disease.  And here the worst part: it doesn't matter that you are a doctor.  You can't fix her or her BPD.

trying to keep her from actually killing herself

You aren't responsible for this.  Perhaps the next time she says this, the thing to do is to tell her (in your calm empathetic voice) you can understand that she is scared, and you are also scared, and what she is saying is sounding very unsafe, and you are thinking it might be time to call an ambulance?  Whether it's calling her bluff, or protecting her from hurting herself, it still communicates that she is crossing a boundary.

getting into fights with her because I will not go get her fentanyl to actually end her life (and also end my career in the process).

Yep.  She sounds completely irrational - and that's the emotional dysregulation.  Don't JADE with her.  It will descend into madness while she is like this.  Do SET.

continues to tell me that I only took her in because of obligation, not because of love

This sounds like the crazy intense fear that a BPD feels, and the sense of not being lovable, and of being abandoned (your father's death is the ultimate abandonment).  Please don't take to heart anything she is saying to you.  It is probably toxic dumping due to the disease.

Because of this and his desire to socially distance as able while helping us move, she decided that he's a freeloader who only wants me because of the money I'll make one day. She likens him to total weirdos like Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy.

More crazy irrational (emotional) reactions on her part.  She probably doesn't want him there for subconscious motivations.  Triangulations are happening here.  She can't help herself.

SET, SET, SET to validate and calm her emotions.

Sometimes, I'll wake up in the early morning to hear her talking to herself saying that I'm desperate and will date anyone who looks at me .

The talking to herself, is that a concern?   What she's saying is the toxic waste which is a by-product of her intense fear...with BPD's it's always negative and comes across as hateful, but it's the disease saying those things...

Since I refuse to engage in discussions of him with her or agree to just break things off, she now threatens to leave our luxury apartment (which she likens to prison), kill herself, disown me, or never give me a cent of the remaining life insurance money if I continue to see this man.

This might be something to consider (except for the killing herself part), as it gives her the opportunity to self-soothe, become independent, and find her own way.  You also must look after yourself, and live your own life.  It would also give you each space, which it sounds like is needed.  What do you think might happen if you offered to support her (if she needed it), to find a comfortable place of her own to live (after some successful SET has happened)?

I personally dont want any of her money because I want her to use it to live on her own after she gets even a part-time job.

BPD's often use money as leverage.  Also part of the disease.  If you tell her you don't want her money she could take that as deep rejection, and affirmation that she is not lovable.  At least that is what happened with my mom when she tried to "give" H and I money towards a house purchase.  We declined.  It was a big crisis.  It eventually passed, and life went on.

I have taken vacation this week to help her adjust and I wish I had not.

 Right.  Consider it a lesson learned.  Taking vacation to help someone in this circumstance is a caring and understable gift to give, but with  BPD in the mix, I'm not surprised it backfired.

but looking back, she has actually actively hated every single one of them.

 This too is part of the pattern, and I would propose that it goes back to her fear of losing you.  

I dont want her to be homeless, and I also dont want her to kill herself (but she's been threatening that since I was in elementary school). I guess I'll just be disowned again.

Disowned is definitely the lesser of the evils. But before you give in to that, do try SET, SET, SET.  So important to validate her feelings, so that she feels understood.  The trick is to recognize what her feelings are. Do you think you can identify them?

I knew she'd never be able to fend for herself and that there was a chance she'd end up living with me.

I'm wondering where that thought came from?  Why did you think that?  Dig deep in the layers here.  Would people you know feel that way about their parents?  Why did you feel strongly about that?  Is it FOG? 

It just sucks.

Yes it does.  

Boundaries are going to be important.  There has to be boundaries.  She is of a fragile mind set right now, but boundaries will help to protect both of you.  

Do you feel safe?  Physically?  Emotionally?

Hang in there.  This forum can help.

[SaltyCheese]

Thanks for the kind words and excellent advice, chosinghope and Methuen.

Things have stabilized a bit. I've gone in to work to get some distance despite being off this week, and that has resulted in some marginal positive results.

She keeps instigating fights, saying that she knows I wish she'd just go away, or lose her mind, or whatever. I keep trying to instill in her that I do not, I want to help her get better, become independent and strong, but it's to no avail. I also remind her that she should not believe the emotions or thoughts she assigns to me, since I do not believe that or have ever said it. We have had some good days where she actually started looking for work and trying to explore the area a bit, but the littlest thing will set her back to the point where she'll be threatening to be homeless or die, or whatever. Despite not actually having any real fights in days, she insists that our living together isn't working and that we don't get along. Things are guarded, to be sure, but as I tell her, we are very different people... that doesn't mean we cant make this work for the time we need to.

With regards to why I always assumed she'd end up living with me, it's party because Im an only child and also because she has alienated every other friend and family. She has also never reliably held down a job since I've known her. She has here and there (and yes, she was a homemaker while I was growing up), but eventually there would be some drama-filled event which would make work not feasible and she would quit or be let go. I guess, I just always figured that this pattern would continue and I would be the safety net.

Will keep trying with SET, but honestly she just throws a lot of that in my face and tells me that she's tired of people trying to comfort her and that if we were being "real", we would be saying x, y, or z (usually negative or mean thing). A lot of our conversations where I try to support and empathize result in her yelling at me and saying nasty things which she says is just "the truth" or "realness" that no one else has the guts to say.

[Methuen]

Hi there SaltyCheese,

Glad to hear things stabilized a bit with you going back to work.  

I came to the admission some time ago, that the more contact I have with my mom, the more she expects/demands from me, and stirs up conflict and drama.  

For me with my mom, the saying "less is more" definitely applies.

My mom is 84 and lives independently.  H and I still support her, but only with the things she can't do for herself.  In the beginning, she tried to FOG us to do everything for her.  It was hard, and emotional for me, but we stuck it out (therapy support helped), and now her and I are in a kind of homeostasis that's working for the time being.  She still tries to FOG me to do things she "wants" me to do, but I have far better boundaries now than I used to, and I am better able to manage those demands, and live my life separate from her.  For the time being, she has accepted this.  This is because she is "proving" to me that she is capable of living independently.  She actually qualifies for supported living, but refused to go onto the 2 year waiting list.  I know this homeostasis will be temporary, until her next crisis, but H and I will just have to deal with that when it happens, because she is completely non-cooperative.

She keeps instigating fights, saying that she knows I wish she'd just go away, or lose her mind, or whatever.

This kind of sounds like the sense of unworthiness and being unlovable that BPD's have.  

I keep trying to instill in her that I do not, I want to help her get better, become independent and strong,

When I used to do this with my mom, it just always escalated things.  I later learned this is probably because she found it invalidating, because she didn't believe me when I told her this kind of stuff, because at her core she believed it's not possible to love her.  She couldn't cope with the feelings from this, and then the hurtful and hateful verbal dumping would start.

I also remind her that she should not believe the emotions or thoughts she assigns to me, since I do not believe that or have ever said it.

BPD is a disease of distorted thinking, so this kind of "logic" may not be helpful, because she will "believe" that you do believe it, or did say it.  She's going to believe her memory over yours.  And remember that once she "thinks something" it becomes a fact for her, and then that becomes a memory.  So it's a disagreement between you and her.  And she will never be wrong.

We have had some good days where she actually started looking for work and trying to explore the area a bit, but the littlest thing will set her back to the point where she'll be threatening to be homeless or die, or whatever.

So the littlest things setting her back to these extreme threats she's making, sounds like her fear (the disease) taking over.  Her brain has probably been wired for fear.  It sounds like she's not coping.  At all.  In my community, there are agencies who can help support people re-entering the work force with skills training, and job opportunities.  I wonder if there is something like that where you live, to give her some support to look for work, but also some "agency" in the process so that independent people (not her family) are supporting her through this job search transition.  Just an idea.  Not suggesting it will actually work.  But it does put the responsibility on her, which is what is needed.

With regards to why I always assumed she'd end up living with me, it's partly because Im an only child and also because she has alienated every other friend and family.

Right.  I'm going to challenge this a wee bit.  I hope that's ok.  Whose problem should this be to solve? Hers or yours?  Are you always going to rescue her?  Our parents train us from childhood to feel responsible for them, but they are adults, right?  I think to us non's it feels more like we are supporting our parent (and we do after all want to help them because we do love them), but because of their BPD, are we rescuing instead?  If it's rescuing, I suspect that rescuing just makes them feel more ashamed because it affirms what they "know", which is that they aren't capable.  It's just a downward cycle.  I don't know.  Just my theory.  Sometimes I overthink things.

I guess, I just always figured that this pattern would continue and I would be the safety net.

My mom always wanted to come live with H and I.  I never entertained this.
 It would have a been a disaster.  She hinted at it for years and years.  When my H finally told her it wasn't going to happen (I wasn't there and don't know what his exact words were in this conversation), she got angry and pushed back.  Told people in public that we said she could never live with us.  It was bad.  Really glad we stuck to our plan though.  It's hard enough having her in the same town, much less in the same house.  So your mom is with you right now, and it sounds like the current plan is that it is a temporary stay.  Is she open to it being temporary, or does she have expectations of something more permanent?  When she moved in, was there any conversation about how long she might stay?

Will keep trying with SET, but honestly she just throws a lot of that in my face and tells me that she's tired of people trying to comfort her

SET doesn't really set out to comfort her.  The goal of SET is to validate her feelings.  In doing so, you are simply showing her that you understand her thinking and feeling.  Doing so doesn't mean you have to agree with those thoughts or feelings.  It also doesn't attempt to comfort (which is likely to be invalidating to her, and cause escalation instead of de-escalation).  If you are OK to give us an example of a situation that happened where you tried SET, but she yelled back at you, we may be able to offer a suggestion, or it may be that her emotions were so escalated, she wasn't hearing you anymore, and that is why SET didn't work.   In those cases, it is best to protect yourself by stating that the two of you can talk more when everybody (speaking in the 3rd person) has calmed down, and then leave/walk away from the situation.  This action also sets a boundary and lets her know her words crossed a boundary.  I think of it as putting Pavlov's "classical conditioning" into practice.
SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

A lot of our conversations where I try to support and empathize result in her yelling at me and saying nasty things which she says is just "the truth" or "realness" that no one else has the guts to say.

I'm so sorry to hear this.  This sounds really toxic, when all you were doing by moving her in to live with you was show kindness and support to your.  Your intentions were noble.  The illness is not noble or kind in return.  I feel for you.  

We're here to listen.

[SaltyCheese]

Hi there SaltyCheese,

Glad to hear things stabilized a bit with you going back to work.  

this has somewhat ceased. we've gotten busy and as of now, she was texting me asking why I was so late and if I didn't used to come home during down time/whether she should leave so that I could work from home. I assured her that this was not the case, but sometimes it's nice to get out of the house. she then suggested (again over text) that she move out so that I could have the house to myself and not stay away in a hospital, risking getting covid.

I reassured her again that this was a standard week for me. but I knew she was going to be itching for a fight when I got home, and I was not disappointed.

 And remember that once she "thinks something" it becomes a fact for her, and then that becomes a memory.  So it's a disagreement between you and her.  And she will never be wrong.
So the littlest things setting her back to these extreme threats she's making, sounds like her fear (the disease) taking over.  Her brain has probably been wired for fear.  It sounds like she's not coping.  At all.  

I think she is 100% spiraling out of control. and I know it's the disease talking but it's not good here. I spoke with my aunt (her sister) today and she felt the same thing. we're currently trying to figure out ways to get her help and also save our own sanity. right now, im so tired from transplanting and coming home to her and soothing her disordered thoughts for two hours. to quote Bilbo Baggins, I feel like butter scraped over too much bread. I am worn thin with trying to do this job and keep her afloat. right now, im doing a pretty crummy job and we're both drowning. fortunately I have an appt with a therapist later this week.

Right.  I'm going to challenge this a wee bit.  I hope that's ok.  Whose problem should this be to solve? Hers or yours?  Are you always going to rescue her?  Our parents train us from childhood to feel responsible for them, but they are adults, right?  I think to us non's it feels more like we are supporting our parent (and we do after all want to help them because we do love them), but because of their BPD, are we rescuing instead?  If it's rescuing, I suspect that rescuing just makes them feel more ashamed because it affirms what they "know", which is that they aren't capable.  It's just a downward cycle.  I don't know.  Just my theory.  Sometimes I overthink things.

I think that's a really good theory. some of her staying with me is my own self preservation kicking in. because I wouldn't feel good/happy/moral if she were hungry or homeless, which were the options she was giving me. running the numbers, there is little way I can foresee how she would have ever been homeless, but certainly living on her own she would be living a different quality of life than previously. I would also always put money in her account to keep her afloat if it came to that.

right now, she has no will to move on. or so she says. she has no will to live and my working to get her jobs/move forward keeps her here on earth... and so im to blame now for why she doesn't just die.

we just got into a sizable argument within the first hour of me being home from work. mostly because I wouldn't engage in negative thinking or agree that my aunt was calling "just to gloat" about having a job/going back to work. I definitely didn't validate all of her feelings, so I cant say SET didn't work in this instance. I reaffirmed that things were bad lately since dad's death, tried to tell her that she was justified in feeling this way and that this is normal grieving, but that I didn't think my aunt was calling to gloat, probably she didn't realize that her news was hurtful to mom. but since she has since informed her that is was, maybe it will yield better conversations going forward.

mom then asked how I would feel if someone kept telling me good news when I was down, and honestly I've been in that situation before. I normally am happy for my friend/family member and keep my sadness to myself. which is what I told mom, with very bad outcome.

she took away from that exchange that she was the "off one" and should move out and become a hermit. she then instigated another fight which I just wouldn't participate in about my boyfriend. ultimately I just said that I was an adult, it's my life and my decision. so now she's throwing stuff around the apartment, packing up the toilet paper she hoarded, and informing me that she's moving out asap.

I guess I'll believe it when I see it. I would be happy if she moved out and got a nice place for herself. I would help pay for it until she got back on her feet. I ultimately just want both of us to be happy and productive. I do want a relationship with my mom. I love her. she'll say I dont. but I do. we just dont tend to get along very well, because I just dont know how to respond so that we're not constantly in a massive argument. I hate conflict. I hate drama. I hate that someone's head always needs to be on the chopping block. I hate that we cant disagree on things without someone (me) being yelled at, emotionally blackmailed, or disowned. I hate that she doesn't trust that she raised a decent enough human being that is capable of making her own decisions. I hate that it's always her way or the highway. I worry that I'll come home from work tomorrow to find all of her stuff gone and no clue of where she's gone. I worry that she'll be cold, hungry, unsafe. I just cannot keep holding us together, doing this job, being her psychiatric sponge, and frequent emotional punching bag.

[Methuen]

SaltyCheese,

This is not sounding like what you need to come home to after a transplanting shift.  

How long is this sustainable do you think?  Which one of you is going to "lose it" first?

I'm going to work an angle here, and you can see if any part of it fits:  my uBPD mom was an RN. One side of my mom is fiercely independent.  Fiercely.  Lots of stories.  Another side of my mom is the typical "waif" - very high maintenance and "needy".  I don't know how typical that dichotomy is for BPD mom's.  My mom is independent when she is "well" emotionally.  When she is dysregulating, she is a "waif".  It was easy to pick up on your mom's "neediness" in numerous parts of your last post:  

Eg. 1 she was texting me asking why I was so late

You are a transplant surgeon.  It is not her place to text you and ask you why you are late.  This behavior sounds like her anxiety and her fear, and a complete lack of boundary on her part to be able to rationalize that you are a surgeon and therefore something may have come up.  She's operating on a purely emotional level to satisfy her own needs.  What it took me a lifetime to accept about my mom, is that she has little to no executive functioning.  My guess is that some parts of her brain are much more lit up than others.  I suspect the PET scans of pwBPD may have commonalities that differ from "nons".  Just another theory.  Nothing more.  But since her behaviors (texting you and asking why you are so late) are not going to change,  it is likely going to be up to you to figure out how to manage this.  Setting boundaries will be helpful.  So will not responding to that kind of text - because responding just reinforces the very behavior you want her to stop.

Eg 2 because I wouldn't feel good/happy/moral if she were hungry or homeless,

Why will she be hungry or homeless?  Where has the idea that she will be hungry or homeless come from?  (Rhetorical question)

I'm guessing you are familiar with FOG and emotional blackmail?

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

So this is her emotional brain at work again.  

Eg 3.  right now, she has no will to move on. or so she says. she has no will to live and my working to get her jobs/move forward keeps her here on earth... and so im to blame now for why she doesn't just die.

Do we have the same mother?  Actually my mom is doing "decent" presently since she's on Mirtazapine.  But before the Mirtazapine (8 months ago), I was getting similar "treatment" (for lack of a better word).  If I had suggested depression and seeing a Doc to mom back then, she would have railed and raged at me that I was the crazy one.  Back then my amygdula was in overdrive and I was terrified of her.
 But she had two friends who were on Mirtazapine, and they somehow influenced her to see her Dr, so that was how she got on it.  That was just incredibly good dumb luck for me.  Those friends of hers were my "Gandalf".  

Eg 4.  negative thinking or agree that my aunt was calling "just to gloat" about having a job/going back to work.

I think this is the kind of distorted thinking (negative) that comes from feeling worthless and unlovable (during a dysregulation).  Again, it's based on emotion.

Eg. 5.  mom then asked how I would feel if someone kept telling me good news when I was down,

Sounds like my mom again!  She's talking about her feelings again.  More emotion.  I suspect dysregulating BPD's need to wallow in their misery, and they won't feel validated until they are convinced others understand their misery, and preferably feel miserable alongside them, or even better, for them.  Again, just my thoughts, no science there.  But a lot of us on this board have had to learn how to separate our feelings from our pwBPD, and not feel their feelings for them (and get dragged down in the process).

I normally am happy for my friend/family member and keep my sadness to myself. which is what I told mom, with very bad outcome.

Good for you!  I call this setting a boundary of sorts (communicating by example that you don't dump your sadness on other people).

eg 6. she took away from that exchange that she was the "off one" and should move out and become a hermit.

Again a completely emotional reaction (designed to FOG you).

Eg 7.  so now she's throwing stuff around the apartment,

More emotion - with about as much resilience as a preschooler?  

Us "non's" have the privilege of learning the social-emotional skill of self-regulation.  But your BPD mom isn't regulating herself right now.

informing me that she's moving out asap.

So this thought of hers, is a bit of a theme throughout your post. It comes up a few times in different ways.

Which brings me around to the story I opened my response here with.  On the one hand, your mom is emotionally needy because she has little to no self-regulation of her emotions when she goes off "baseline".  Your father's sudden passing (death is the ultimate "abandonment") would have been a trigger for the emotional dysregulation.  But now that she's dysregulating, and completely turning your life upside down, how to move forward?

When your mom is "healthy", and acting like the "strong advocate/friend/amazing person" you described in your first post at the beginning of this thread, is there a side of her that is also "independent" (when she is "well")?  (similar to the dichotomy I described as belonging to my mom?)  

I ask here about whether she has an independent streak because I have this budding idea that if she does have a streak of independence in her "normal", you might be able to work with it.  My mom feels a lot of "pride" for her "independence".

she then suggested (again over text) that she move out so that I could have the house to myself and not stay away in a hospital, risking getting covid.

Is there a way to work with this statement of hers?  Could it be that she likes her own space?  Make it so that it's not about you having your space, but her being ready to have her own space?  Does this make sense?  It would have to be phrased in a way that would benefit her.  It can't be about you.  It absolutely has to be all about her, because she is probably unable to empathize and see anything from your point of view.  She's ego-centric.  But if she's normally got an independent streak when she's healthy (emotionally), maybe she would feel better to be on her own (and not be under your house rules/expectations).  So re-phrase her own statement, but make it about her finding her own place to benefit her, not you.  If she doesn't have an independent streak, this idea may be a bad one.

The risk is that this could make her panic.  Now that she's with you, she may well fear being on her own.  Her sense of abandonment may kick in.  It could even be a trigger.  But at some point, she has to be able to live on her own right?  Navigating that transition is going to be a process.  

Great to hear you are seeing a T soon.  That is going to be super helpful moving forward with this problem.

When I was a young child and teen-ager growing up with my mom and dad, I remember my dad (who had biblical patience) occasionally telling my mom quite bluntly, that "enough was enough, and she needed to shape up".  It had a certain tone to it that meant business.  It was a boundary.  Because it was so uncharacteristic for my dad, I think it had an effect on mom.  My memory (unscientific and quite unreliable) is that this strategy worked for him.  Not sure if that is something that could work for you.

we just dont tend to get along very well, because I just dont know how to respond so that we're not constantly in a massive argument. I hate conflict. I hate drama. I hate that someone's head always needs to be on the chopping block. I hate that we cant disagree on things without someone (me) being yelled at, emotionally blackmailed, or disowned. I hate that she doesn't trust that she raised a decent enough human being that is capable of making her own decisions. I hate that it's always her way or the highway. I worry that I'll come home from work tomorrow to find all of her stuff gone and no clue of where she's gone. I worry that she'll be cold, hungry, unsafe. I just cannot keep holding us together, doing this job, being her psychiatric sponge, and frequent emotional punching bag.

You are right.  You can't keep holding the two of you together. You shouldn't have to.  Another way of thinking about this, is that as long as she is staying with you, she doesn't have the opportunity to discover that she is capable of managing on her own.  

I remember one person on this board likening their pwBPD to be like a cat - somehow always landing on their feet.
 
PS

to quote Bilbo Baggins, I feel like butter scraped over too much bread.

Perhaps some self-care could involve buttering your bread on both sides

[SaltyCheese]

SaltyCheese,

This is not sounding like what you need to come home to after a transplanting shift.  

How long is this sustainable do you think?  Which one of you is going to "lose it" first?

it's not. came home late today after helping with two livers (we're getting busy now since things can only be delayed so long due to covid and we've reached that point... so this week has been nuts) and found a terribly mean letter on my bed. accusations ranged from me being ashamed of my parents, moving her down with me out of obligation (not love!), being selfish/arrogant, and lying about why im in the hospital long hours.

in person accusations included being a whore who sleeps with any man I pass by (not that there would be anything wrong with that if that's what empowered me, but this could not be any less wrong) and the reason my dad went into significant debt. im also the reason why she didn't work for years, and I was too busy living the high life in residency so I never took notice of how they were doing. she also says I never called just to see how they were doing, although I perused phone records to make sure my memory was sound and I did find many phone calls from me to them about once a week to every other week which lasted 45-120 minutes.

I know she's hurting. I know this is an illness. but I cannot keep up with this. she's apparently working to get an apartment asap. but as is, im going to get my dog, some food, and go stay somewhere else this weekend. she says I should view her as dead bc we won't be in contact after she moves. honestly, right now, im ok with that.

[Methuen]

im going to get my dog, some food, and go stay somewhere else this weekend

Yes to self-care.  An exit strategy is a part of self-care. 

This idea may be the best option in your situation, but I'm also wondering if it could be your mom that takes a "holiday weekend" instead?  Is there any way that could work?  Either way, separation is a good way to give her time to self-soothe.  Self-soothing may take a while, in my experience.  It is possible it takes more than a weekend, although I hope for you it doesn't.
 

[SaltyCheese]

Yes to self-care.  An exit strategy is a part of self-care. 

This idea may be the best option in your situation, but I'm also wondering if it could be your mom that takes a "holiday weekend" instead?  Is there any way that could work?  Either way, separation is a good way to give her time to self-soothe.  Self-soothing may take a while, in my experience.  It is possible it takes more than a weekend, although I hope for you it doesn't.
 

somewhat prophetic. she woke me up on Saturday morning after I came home late after another long case (found several notes waiting for me upon arrival home...). woke up to her knocking on my bedroom door, then I stumbled into the bathroom, found some more notes, and then she took aim and wanted to know why I resented/hated/disliked her for years. assured her none of that was actually true but that I didn't trust our connection as it had been broken and laid out some examples over the past 25 years. total chaos. she erupted. demanded I rent her a uhaul, get some stuff she had stored elsewhere packed, and then I helped her pack up what was hers in the apartment and she moved out -- back home to the family home which isn't quite foreclosed -- 2 weeks after she arrived.

I feel safe again finally but also gutted. I feel like I let my dad down. I worry abt her ability to live on her own. yet, this week have made some very deeply held feelings return to the surface (e.g., the anxiety abt going home and finding out what kind of mood awaited, the ability of the day to turn instantly depending upon one bad interaction). the stress of work, coupled with ongoing issues related to dads death, and then this dread looming over me every night honestly nearly broke me. I could not escape. if I tried to lose myself in work, I was greeted by multiple notes either in my bedroom or bathroom, all with demands to speak or riddled with hateful things.

I feel guilty for letting her leave. I also feel guilty about feeling relieved. I will always make sure she has enough money in her bank account. but I cannot live with her. as is, my eyelid twitches every time I get a text from her asking for another gift she had formerly given me back.

sigh. what a mess. anyway, thanks all for listening. hope it gets better. I can sleep again at least, and focus on work.

be well.

- SC

[Methuen]

demanded I rent her a uhaul, get some stuff she had stored elsewhere packed, and then I helped her pack up what was hers in the apartment and she moved out -- back home to the family home which isn't quite foreclosed -- 2 weeks after she arrived.

Years from now, you will probably look back at this, and see that it was always going to end something like this, regardless of what you did.  

I am sorry for what you are going through.  If it helps, you have a lot of company.  Many sons/daughters have moved a parent to live with them, like you did, for all the right reasons, but with BPD in the mix, it commonly ends in a way similar to the way it did for you.  It's kind of an archetypal pattern in a BPD relationship.

My mom wanted to live with H and I.  Put a lot of public pressure on us.  I didn't go down that road. I just knew how it would end.  You can say you tried.  I never tried.

I feel safe again

This, as you know, is paramount.

but also gutted.I feel like I let my dad down.

You did not.  My mom is uBPD too.  My dad passed from Lewy Bodies 15 years ago.  My dad was extra-ordinary now that I look back at it.  I think he protected me from a lot.  Since he died, my relationship with my mom has become very "complicated".  My memories recall so many things my dad used to say, and these memories help me feel my dad would understand.  While your dad's passing is recent, and undoubtedly a precipitating event for your mom's current emotional dysregulation, I am hopeful that over time you will see it's not about letting anyone down.  It's just about accepting that it is what it is, and doing your best to work with that, whatever that eventually looks like.  

I worry abt her ability to live on her own.

She is an adult.  She will undoubtedly have some struggles along the way, but like a cat, she can land on her feet.  Give her a chance to find her own way.  If she comes back, try asking validating questions to support her to find her own answers, rather than rely on you to bail her out or rescue her.

I feel guilty for letting her leave. I also feel guilty about feeling relieved.

I am hopeful that you will work your way through this, and eventually believe that this guilt is not yours to carry.  I'm about 8 months into this.  It's a work in progress, and I'm not there yet.  It's so much easier to say these things to someone else, than to live them for myself.  Yet I think that maybe as long as we feel guilt, we feel resentment, and maybe this prevents us from finding our way to radical acceptance and eventual healing.  I see a T, and T challenges my thinking, and my reactions with mom.  It helps me develop an awareness for what is "normal", and to move forward with my own personal growth.

I wonder if it's possible your mom felt she needed her own space on a subconscious level, but the disease makes it impossible for her to rationally be aware of that and calmly have a rational conversation to that end?  So instead she uses her BPD defense mechanisms which create constant drama, but still achieves the same end goal?  ie moving out to get her own space.  This probably sounds totally crazy, but based on my experience with my mom, I wonder...

Almost daily, I remember (as a child) things  my father used to say to my mother such as " why don't you just come out and say what you want?  Why beat around the bush?"  My mother was/is a master manipulator.  I can't think of a time she just said what she needed.  Everything is a game, or a ploy, or a twist, or a manipulation. And all of these games, twists etc., come with fear, obligation and guilt.  I am into my healing journey, and I no longer think she does it purposely.  She does it because she doesn't know how to be any other way.  

I am glad for you that your mom chose to leave.  It had to happen.  Give her lots of time to self soothe.   In the meantime, you no longer have to fear what you are coming home to, and that is as it should be.  Amen to that!