didnt think id be in this much pain

[sebian77]

cant believe that this 5 month relationship ending could be so damn emotionally crazy. although it was my choice its not easy and was very painful. i sometimes feel weak that im struggling so bad but i realize i will not heal until i acknowledge this pain. it sometimes feels easier to push the pain down and try to forget about it but it has proved to keeping popping up in my conscience. i think about it so often and i really feel like i need alot of support. watching youtube videos and reading this forum helps as well as talking to my therapist but thats only once a week. i do this sometimes most of the day. i feel traumatized by her flirtiness and stories of her past. i feel traumatized by her purposefully triggering my jealousy. i feel traumatized by her painting me black and making me to be the worst man alive. i feel traumatized by her utter disregard for my emotions. most of all i feel traumatized that i loved this girl so darn deeply and yet she still did these things that completely broke my trust. although i highly doubt she cheated and had a good heart in many ways, in other ways she seemed in complete disregard for appropriateness in how to treat someone you love. i am also in so much pain that i still love her and feel bad for her and have an urgent desire to rescue her but i realize that this cannot happen and that i will get hurt in the process. just needed to vent. thank u for listening

[JNChell]

Hey, sebian77.  I’m sorry that your feelings are so heavy right now. Healthy or unhealthy, breaking up is a hurtful process. You know, humans desire that kind of affection, and when it ends it can really hurt.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like this was a fairly one sided relationship between the two of you. If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re saying that she wasn’t able to reciprocate very well, and that she could even become emotionally hostile towards you?

How long ago did the two of you break up and what perpetuated it?

[sebian77]

Thanks for the kind words JNChell! Yes at times it felt very one sided. I felt like i was giving all the affection and she seemed to have utter disregard for my emotions. I dont think she was intentional about that necessarily but couldnt possibly comprehend my emotions and validate them thus it felt very one sided and invalidating. And yes she would get very emotionally hostile towards me while angry! She would treat me like i was the biggest jerk. We broke up 3 weeks ago. I left because we got in a big fight. She was telling me something that was way too much information about her past and I'm sure she didn it on purpose to get a rise out of me. She knows how i felt about that. She did that and then got very angry and said we cant even get along and just totally shut down from me. She would get in these moods were she was completely unwilling to talk through anything and just stayed super angry and closed off. At that point i was already close to a last straw and just drained from it. I really felt like she didnt and wouldnt ever care about my feelings and would keep triggering me with things on purpose which made me constantly in fight or flight with her so i took an uber home that night

[JNChell]

Is it fair to say that she lacked empathy? She needed it, but couldn’t exhibit it? When she went into her moods, was it a fairly quick transition from mad/sad, and back to seeming ok again? Or would the downside be prolonged, like for a week or more at a time?

3 weeks is still pretty fresh, my friend. I understand how acute the feelings are right now. You know, I could recommend taking a walk, reading a book, watching a movie etc., but I know from experience that the feelings will still be there. I’m not saying that that is bad advice, just that when the feelings are acute, they’re right in our face regardless of what we do.

Have you been in contact with her since the breakup?

[sebian77]

Yes my friend. Id say thats accurate. She seemed to lack empathy at times. Either that or she just cared but was not emotionally equipped to understand where i was coming from and more was so absorbed in her own needs as to not see my own. its like her emotional capacity was of a young child at times. she would definitely go from very mad quickly to eventually cooling down. i wouldnt say she cooled down quickly all the time. it could sometimes take an hour or two. there were a few times where she seemed extremely resentful for days at a time. and ya it feels very fresh. its on my mind in one form or another much of the time. sometimes socializing helps get my mind off it. and yes walking often helps alot. but youre right about it being hard to escape when its on my mind. its like i have alot to process and many tough emotions about so much that went on that its overwhelming my whole sense of self and what happened. i have been in contact with her since the break up but not much. she has contacted me at times trying to get back together and im not ready. she has tried to seduce me to see her again and its been tempting cuz its so fresh but i cannot do that. at the same time our contact has been very kind. ive been pleasantly surprised to hear from her in very sweet texts and i think my sweet texts have helped. ive wished her daughter happy birthday. ive wished her happy birthday. ive also wished her happy mothers day. after that we did a little back and forth and were very sweet but i havent said i love u or anything like that. a part of me feels a little better without no contact because i truly do care about this woman and want her to feel i dont have bad feelings towards her that it didnt work. i have deep concern for her. she has already been through such a hard life and past couple months since we were planning on having a child and it turned into an abortion. underneath everything that happened she does have a sweet heart and thats what i care about. the real trick for me will be to balance between talking to her and not going too far to give false hope of rekindling because i still miss her but i truly believe im strong enough for it as long as i stay vigilant. we dont message often but when we do its civil and sweet and not overly romantic and so far that is helping and working. it helps me sleep at night a little just knowing that shes ok.

[JNChell]

I think that you’ve defined lack of empathy perfectly with your words.

she just cared but was not emotionally equipped to understand where i was coming from and more was so absorbed in her own needs as to not see my own

i have alot to process and many tough emotions about so much that went on that its overwhelming my whole sense of self and what happened

I understand. Some time will ease the feelings, work will heal. Do you think that it’s in your best interests to have any contact with her while you’re trying to work through this?

we were planning on having a child and it turned into an abortion

This is a whole other thing to process. How do you feel about this?

How do feel about having absolutely no contact with her until you’re feeling better?

[sebian77]

Thank u! I think its possible that no contact at all for awhile might help as im slowly getting unattached. As far as the baby it has been tough. I was excited and ready to be a father. My own self image changed on who i am in the world and what my world will be like. I was very excited to be a father and really planning out my life with this new being. it also made me feel so much closer to my girl that she was going to be the mother of my child. as far as my best interest while working through this it may be to not talk to her at all. im not sure honestly. i know that the times i have talked to her there have been no major triggers which is huge. there have been times where we broke up and she was still talking to me and still pushing me buttons on purpose and i had to block her. it helps that were both being civil and loving but i dont plan on messaging her any time soon and it may be better to go awhile without contact at all. im not really sure to be honest

[JNChell]

It sounds like you’re considering your own feelings which is good. That’s true self care. Perhaps it is best to have no contact with her. Civil or not, you need to heal and process a lot. Including the excitement of being a father. That’s a really big thing, man. Did you have any say when it came to the abortion?

I share a child with my ex. He is 5. It’s been very difficult to navigate, but I’m starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

You want to be a father. I’m simply assuming that you’re a young man. Becoming a father is a very special thing. Just speaking from experience. Ask yourself if you would like to raise a child with someone where there is constant struggle, or if you’d like to raise your child in a warm and stable home.

My Son coming to be caused me to hold onto a relationship that was hurting me in big ways. I understand what you’re saying. Take some time to search yourself and figure out what allowed you to enter a relationship that was hurting you. Make sense?

[sebian77]

Thanks man! Ya i may have to go no contact atleast for the time being. Ya it was/is a very big thing for me. I did have a say and it was actually a mutual decision. I wanted the baby and it was a hard decision for us but i told her that i wouldnt want to bring a baby into this world without parents that are loving eachother. at the time of the abortion was the 2nd split out of a total of 4 splits. i knew it would be irresponsible and we werent ready. it was hard on both of us and severely traumatizing her to the point of tears and suicidality. i cried many times. im 28 years old. and ya it would be a very bad idea for that child to be raised with that level of hostility between us. i would feel very guilty. and ya i totally get what ur saying. im currently in the process of really working on my self specifically my self worth to have better clarity on what got me into that situation and what a healthier situation would be moving forward. im currently working with a therapist and doing alot of soul searching and research and all that. i did a virtual codependents anonymous meeting tonight in fact