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Author Topic: How to get an ex with BPD back? Feel like I've been charmed but to friendship  (Read 660 times)
dumpedinlove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 73


« on: May 14, 2020, 05:25:14 AM »

Hi everyone. First post so I'll try and summarize briefly. My partner (who I strongly suspect has BPD) dumped me 2 months ago. There was an argument where she felt I wasn't meeting her expectations basically. She slept on an airbed for a couple of nights, and despite me apologising for the argument and consistently asking her to come to bed, she didn't, claimed I must not have cared she was on the airbed, and broke up with me after a 4 year relationship. She thinks our relationship was toxic and that we aren't compatible anymore. We have a flat, but I moved back to my parents as there is a lockdown ongoing.

Since the breakup, it's been very up and down. I initially sent a lot of love letters reflecting on how I could change. That got nowhere really. Then I went NC for 2 weeks, she would reach out every 6 or so days but I would reply quite coldly and nipped it in the bud each time. We eventually began talking again, then I went back to our flat to see her. I explained my thoughts and she told me she is 100% moving out. That this is a separation and that we need to see what the years teach us and if there is a chance for us in the future. I left and messaged her that night saying I love her and that I will respect her choices because of that. She then began talking about how she sees a change but would like to discuss this in the future, but definitely appreciates more than I think.

After that, we spoke every day. Sometimes calling, mostly just texting. Nothing about us really. A week later, we had a 3 hour facetime which was lovely. She texted me the next day asking if i was sure it was okay to be talking everyday. I wrote some thoughts down about how I've had a chance to reflect and I think there is something worth working on here. She told me she needed some time to reply. 2 days later, we were talking as normal and suddenly it felt like a switch went. She went very cold and ended the conversation. She then became very distant and unresponsive for the next few days, until I asked her to talk. I called her and we had an argument. I said I feel like I'm putting a load of effort in here and I don't think I'm getting much back. She got very angry and upset, claiming I was controlling her because I want to fix things before she moves out. We ended the call, and shortly after she called me back, saying she wants to hand in notice on our flat immediately. Since then, I've played along. I've not fought it, I've tried to be as helpful as possible. Is that the right thing to do?

I feel like she has charmed during this process but not to the point of getting back together. She has told me she loves me, that she is still in love with me. I don't know if it was heading towards getting back together before the last argument, but its definitely heading towards moving out permanently now. But at the same time, it's hard to know if she's been trying to have her cake and eat it too, by asking to be friends for now.

How can I get her back? I know she loves me, and I want to be with her. I just feel like I've been doing the wrong things, is there a right answer?
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hardrockcy

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 22



« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2020, 02:18:53 PM »

hey my friend! i ve been trying for 10 months to get back the mother of my son, but was faced with this hot and cold behavior and accused of the small mistakes during the r/s as all humans do.  Last months she's been very friendly and even invited me some times to spend time with them, or I go care of our son and she goes to supermarket (while her parents leave nearby she insisted on me going there despite me working) and I got the feeling that she was coming closer...but then last weeks she turned cold again and so I confronted her about this behavior (cause i felt the same as you that she was just being friendly) therefore I asked her to just sms what she wants, as she was appealing upset to me sometimes on phone talks.
after studying a lot their behaviors, it is all about control.  once they manage to pull you closer and see that they can still control you, then they push you away not to get too close to protect themselves from you. they push away as a mean of protection from the bad us! 
i think it is a loose loose case and they self sabotage whatever's good to them.
i would suggest you continue showing love and affection, but don't over do it. try to go out with her and spend some quality time according to what she likes, with the hope to eventually break the walls of reactance. it needs time and persistence.
i haven't succeed so far, cause this is our second break up and that's why she is very defensive. she keeps repeating like a broken record 'if we reconcile you will leave again', without her accepting her faults up to recently that -by surprise- she accepted some.  relationships with bpd's are always a rollercoaster..
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dumpedinlove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 73


« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2020, 09:01:00 AM »

thank you for the response, glad to know I'm not alone in this!

Was planning on doing as you say, but sadly she tracked down a girl I kissed 2 years ago during our first break up and discovered that I have lied since that anything ever happened. It was wrong to lie, but her reaction has been explosive. I'm not excusing my behaviour but it was always going to be explosive no matter when it came out I think. She now wants absolutely nothing to do with me (discussed on another thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344557.new#new ) so I'm now going to give her space and hope that if things ever pick up, they'll be less push/pull to the point where I'm retained as a friend
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« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2020, 07:38:28 AM »

Excerpt
There was an argument where she felt I wasn't meeting her expectations basically.

this is really critical.

the divide between the two of you existed before the revelation that she found out you kissed an ex. the latter is only part of this. a final straw. the two of you were at odds, sleeping on separate beds, she was moving out, and it sounds like, trying really hard to get a point across.

what were the expectations she felt you werent meeting?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
dumpedinlove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 73


« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2020, 05:14:01 PM »

this is really critical.

the divide between the two of you existed before the revelation that she found out you kissed an ex. the latter is only part of this. a final straw. the two of you were at odds, sleeping on separate beds, she was moving out, and it sounds like, trying really hard to get a point across.

what were the expectations she felt you werent meeting?

The main initial argument that started the end was about focusing on her when she came in from work. It was an extremely demanding time for her at work, and on this particular night I was talking to and playing a game with a best friend who I hadn't spoken to in a week or so. She had not contacted me about dinner at all, and would regularly get take out on her way home, and there was enough for a meal I liked so made it for me. Anyway she came in, and I said hello but then went back to my friend. She was annoyed that I didn't stop to talk to her about her day and make her a cup of tea. She was also very annoyed that I had neglected to make her dinner, or at least offer something. I felt that she was viewing me almost as a parent, I believe she felt I should have taken the full initiative on dinner. That was the first night we slept on separate beds.

The next day I apologised and so did she, but still went to sleep on the other bed. She was dropping a lot of hints that she wanted to be together so I asked her to join me in our bed several times (as she was on a blow up bed), she refused. In the mornings I would crawl up next to her briefly as she woke up and would give her a kiss, make tea etc. In a later argument (post break up), she said that I didn't care that she was sleeping on the blow up bed, which was not true. I think I was kind of hoping she would meet in the middle but it almost feels like to her unless I got into that bed with her, I didn't care at all.

Writing it out then, I feel bad about it. Maybe there was a lot more I could have done, and could have been more considerate and caring. To be honest, I felt like I was out of empathy in a way. If we were together now I wouldn't mind at all doing all of those things she asked for, that's the real painful part. I wonder now if she wasn't asking much at all and I really blew it?
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« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2020, 11:59:55 PM »

people with bpd traits are, by nature, needy people.

the problem is, they arent in very good touch with their needs, and tend to express them in over the top ways. they (generally) expect others to read their minds, and their needs. a lot of complicated feelings result...anger at you for failing to meet the needs, anger at themselves for being needy...

underneath it all is a real need thats just being badly communicated. working these relationships requires the finesse to shake that out, to read between the lines.

Excerpt
To be honest, I felt like I was out of empathy in a way.

she was stressed and wanted extra attention and support. weve all been there.

ideally, shed come home and let you know she had a really rough day/time, that shed like to talk about it, and that shed really love, when you got a chance, if you could make her a cup of tea.

if you think about it, most of us are rarely that upfront. we hope. we expect. maybe we hint around. maybe we make big dramatic gestures.

and then, sometimes, we use dysfunctional ways of trying to get the attention of the object of our affection. passive aggressiveness. withdrawal of love. sleeping in another bed.

you didnt blow it, over this incident. and its important to know that if you get back together, at your very sharpest, things like this will happen, because you arent a mind reader, and you love a difficult person.

its just also important to understand it from her perspective, especially if you want to get back together. loving a person with bpd traits often means being able to read between those lines.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
dumpedinlove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 73


« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2020, 04:24:24 AM »

its just also important to understand it from her perspective, especially if you want to get back together. loving a person with bpd traits often means being able to read between those lines.

I've spent some time going through this site and have noticed a couple of times where you are able to read what someone has said, and are able to extract the heart in terms of what is truly trying to be expressed. This is what I understand it means to read between the lines, but I think as much as I want to be able to do that, I still struggle. Is there any resources you ever found that helped you get to that place of being able to understand situations that well? Or even just being more understanding. You recommended to me the page about listening with empathy, and I understood it all, but sometimes struggle with putting it into practice.
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2020, 02:12:36 AM »

as much as I want to be able to do that, I still struggle. Is there any resources you ever found that helped you get to that place of being able to understand situations that well? Or even just being more understanding. You recommended to me the page about listening with empathy, and I understood it all, but sometimes struggle with putting it into practice.

we all struggle with it, believe me.

there are a billion resources here. use the library. use the articles. use the lessons. all of it really builds, and builds upon itself, and interconnects. this lesson on ending conflict is another really good one: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

but the primary thing, really, is actually putting it into practice. use what you learn here with everyone in your life, you can do so immediately. none of these things are unique to bpd per se, theyre relationship skills that work with everyone.

ask questions about what youre learning. concepts like validation are tricky. when you first learn these things, they feel awkward, and forced, and robotic, and they are. practice makes them natural.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
dumpedinlove
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 73


« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2020, 02:52:51 AM »

we all struggle with it, believe me.

there are a billion resources here. use the library. use the articles. use the lessons. all of it really builds, and builds upon itself, and interconnects. this lesson on ending conflict is another really good one: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

but the primary thing, really, is actually putting it into practice. use what you learn here with everyone in your life, you can do so immediately. none of these things are unique to bpd per se, theyre relationship skills that work with everyone.

ask questions about what youre learning. concepts like validation are tricky. when you first learn these things, they feel awkward, and forced, and robotic, and they are. practice makes them natural.

I'll start working through as many resources as I can and putting into practice with others. The thing I think I struggle with is I think I have started putting it into practice with words, and not action. I suppose being conscious of that and continually trying will eventually make it come a bit easier. My biggest regret is not doing this when we were still together really. There's almost another level of pain knowing I'm willing to work hard on this (and hopefully achieve those goals) and yet currently she's said we will never be together. A great shame really
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