The Turn

[Woolspinner2000]

First of all, I want to let my PSI family know that my dissolution/divorce was final this morning. Such a big, nearly final step. Tomorrow I have some help coming to meet me back at the house so I can move my furniture out to storage. In two weeks on the 29th we close on the sale of our house. After that, only red tape things like dissolving our trust, changing beneficiaries, our will, etc. It's been a very long haul. So many of you have cheered me on through this time, and I wanted you to know.

Now on to the topic of my post.

Does anyone who has read Christine Lawson's book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, remember her using the term "The Turn" to describe one of the traits of a BPD mother? I remember when first reading the book how I felt that the author lived inside my head and saw my home life through my eyes. It was so eerily accurate. When I read this particular term, even before reading her description, I knew in my gut exactly what she was talking about. It's that moment in time when the BPD suddenly goes from being someone who was okay to the exact opposite, much like an animal could turn on someone quite suddenly and be dangerous. It was always something that I was never quite ready for, often because I had let my guard down and didn't see it coming.

Last Friday my DH texted me to say he had decided to retain counsel, literally one week before the final court date. It came out of nowhere, and I was totally unprepared. His reasoning was because he said I had changed so much. He had reviewed the documents 2 months before when he signed, but suddenly something was different for him. I knew he was gaslighting me because I haven't changed any more recently than I have over the past few years while going through a lot of healing. Quite possibly out of his own sense of dysregulation and feeling out of control, he threw my attorney and I into a mode where we did not know what was going to happen. My DH (now ex) is not BPD, yet I have so often said how much he reminds me of my uBPDm.

I had an awful time last Friday, really extremely triggered by him, and I felt so trapped and not able to escape. It took me a few days to even be able to go back and ask myself what happened, and why did I react so strongly? I felt a lot of anger, and I know that anger masks deeper feelings, so I pulled out my trusty feeling wheel that has been so helpful to me, and then the processing really began. All of the feelings I was able to identify weren't based in anger/mad but rather in feeling very scared; terrified actually. Why? I kept asking myself this question. Then I was able to remember other time(s) in my life when I felt like this.

I was a child growing up under a very unpredictable uBPDm, one who would suddenly and very viciously turn on my brother and I. It was probably the most terrifying moment for me, each time "The Turn" happened. It was a time to run and get safe, but every time I would run, I would get caught, and physical abuse was the accompanying payment for attempting to flee her angry 'turn.' I had forgotten how bad it was, until last weekend when my body remembered. No wonder the day and accompanying days of recovery were so hard, after what my husband did.

I find it very important to be really kind and gracious to myself when I have these kind of memories. They're tough, some of the hardest things to wade through. Yet I gain understanding and have such compassion for 'Lil Wools, and no wonder she had it tough. No wonder she froze and couldn't move. She had learned so well what happened when she tried to escape.

The deeper healing comes through seeing and understanding why I react today the way I do. You've heard me say before that the winds of the past fan the flames of the present. Point in case. No wonder it was/is so hard for me to trust others, because I always expected "The Turn," no matter who they were.

Does anyone else remember "The Turn?" If so, what was it like for you? 

 
Woolsie

[JNChell]

“The Turn” always happened very quickly. At least for a kid. She was unpredictable and private with her actions. She could beat at 2:00, and hug at 4:00. Sometimes the emotional punishment and silence could last for days. Maybe try to accept that your ex is unpredictable. As much as you want to nail his actions down, you never will. You can only distance yourself from them.

Your last post showed his obvious attempt at control. Are you feeling familiar feelings from childhood?

Wools, how can you not react with anger at times? It’s ok. What does it look like from 40,000 feet? Would you expect any other person to react differently?

I believe that we all have a capacity as far as what we can emotionally take on. That capacity can be widened with work and knowledge. There are also peaks and valleys. Don’t beat yourself up for getting angry. You’re almost done with this struggle. Keep pushing on.

[Methuen]

Woolsie:
I'm sorry to hear that your ex threw an 11th hour wrench into the divorce process, turning things upside down again.  But I'm heartened by your description of how you reflected and worked through it, and found your way back to yourself.  You told that story so well.  Thanks for sharing.  It's inspirational for those of us still working our own way through our stuff. 

I was interested in your feeling wheel.  I have not seen this before so I googled it.  What a great tool. 

Re: "the turn".  This topic has me feeling like a deer in the headlights.

When I was a child, my mom could be in a full-on rage at my dad.  Then suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  There would be a moment of silence, mom would "flip her switch", answer the door, and greet friends with a warm smile and a laugh.  It was schizophrenic.  I was more terrified of the change and lack of her predictability than I was of her actual rage.  Mom's abuse was all verbal/emotional.  To this day, I'm still terrified of her "turn".  My therapist explained to me last autumn (when I was an emotional mess) that the unpredictability makes our fear response more intense than abuse which is predictable.  She had an example but I'm reluctant to share it here because I don't want to trigger anyone. 

I've avoided Christine Lawson's book for a long time because I've been afraid to know how having a BPD mother may have affected me.  However, it's time for me to understand this better so I can keep moving forward.  About a week ago, I ordered a copy, and am still awaiting its arrival. 

[Mata]

Does anyone else remember "The Turn?" If so, what was it like for you? 

I remember it, and still experience it.  My mom will go from perfectly calm to mean and screaming in a second.  I liken it to a jack-in-a-box...things are just going along and then at any second, her horrible side jumps out and tries to destroy you.  To this day, I am very anxious any time I have to interact with my mother because I never know what I am going to be dealing with. 

When I was a child, my mom could be in a full-on rage at my dad.  Then suddenly, there was a knock at the door.  There would be a moment of silence, mom would "flip her switch", answer the door, and greet friends with a warm smile and a laugh.  It was schizophrenic.

My mom was the same way.  She would would call it "putting on a mask."  To this day, I question her genuineness when she is being nice or pleasant because I saw her put on a fake front so many times growing up.

I've avoided Christine Lawson's book for a long time because I've been afraid to know how having a BPD mother may have affected me.  However, it's time for me to understand this better so I can keep moving forward.

I listened to the audio book.  It was very insightful, but was emotionally heavy.  Sometimes I had to turn it off and take a break.  I think it's definitely worth the read though. 


[/quote]

[Turkish]

According to the Duluth Model of DV, abusers can definitely control their actions. I have similar stories to you and the others here about my mother and my ex,  the latter to this day who has people that admire her yet they don't know what I do. 

Your husband's switch triggered you,  but it's over, at least legally. Am I off base to say that you are triggered because he accused you of doing The Turn?

[Notwendy]

His reasoning was because he said I had changed so much.


Typical- blame you and project.


Yes, the turn. It is dramatic in my BPD mother. It comes with physical changes too. She gets a glassy stare in her eyes and her cheeks get redder. It almost looks like she's being possessed.

I have become quite aware of these changes- and the physical changes happened right before she began to rage or say something. As a kid, I could just look at her and know. We knew when mom was in this state to brace ourselves for what was coming.

As an adult, I am still very aware of people's faces and any small physical changes that go along with moods.

After my mother has "turned" and feels better, she becomes more pleasant and her facial features soften.

Although the book was written years before the "Walking Dead" TV show, it's amusing that they use the term to "turn" when someone becomes a zombie. Thankfully with BPD it's a temporary state.

[Woolspinner2000]

It sounds like for all of us, experiencing "The Turn" was a memorable and very scary time. As children of a pwBPD, thank goodness we hung on and learned how to survive. As adults, when we can, it's an opportunity for us to learn how to quiet our hyper vigilance from this survival instinct we learned. My recent experience tells me I can do some more investigation and see what I can do to quiet the reaction in me. It's funny how sometimes you don't realize the response is there, waiting for the right trigger, to emerge. That's why I was caught off guard. Not only did I not anticipate it in my ex, but I didn't anticipate my own response. I'm not shaming myself for reacting, more like scratching my head and saying, "What was that?"

Turkish, to answer your question, I didn't feel that my ex had accused me of The Turn, but it's an interesting thought. In the past his projections definitely threw me, but this time it was the fact that he turned so dramatically. I've gotten much better at seeing his blame shifting as a manipulation of me, and generally I recognize it, and it doesn't get to me like before. What you said here,

According to the Duluth Model of DV, abusers can definitely control their actions

, Is quite intriguing. I remember hearing my dad say that my uBPDm knew how to push his buttons. I grew up believing that it was my mom's fault that he hit her because she was so verbally abusive. It's taken time for me to understand that he was just as abusive, and no wonder it took me a long time to grasp what abuse really was.

As an adult, I am still very aware of people's faces and any small physical changes that go along with moods.

NotWendy, I think this definitely is how I am too, and probably like so many others here. We certainly developed an awareness that most don't have.

Mata, Methuen and JNChell, thank you for sharing about your own experiences. You are each brave to face these pains, and may we all grow and heal from them.

I am getting so much more comfortable with my anger when it comes, JNChell. It's taken me forever and a day, but I'm accepting it and am even finding that it can be good to have anger because it tells me that something isn't right. There's a reason why I feel angry, so then I go and investigate what that something is. It's usually for a valid reason.

We have often had discussions about Lawson's book here. It is not a light read. However, it can provide validation to those who need it. For me it was exactly that. Methuen, a slightly easier book to read that speaks fairly plainly is Surviving a Borderline Parent - by Kim Roth, Freda B. Friedman, PhD. This book was a great help to me.

I'm tired a lot these past days. I was able to get all my furniture moved out of our house on Friday. I feel a lot of relief to have that step done.

 
Wools

[zachira]

Woolspinner,
My heart hurts hearing how your now ex husband gaslighted you right before the divorce was final. Having many relatives with BPD, I have found you can never be quite prepared for how cruelly they can behave when they find out you have moved on. Many of the cruel things your ex husband and your mother did in the past, left you emotionally overwhelmed until you found your own power through years of hard work. At the same time, you can never be fully quite prepared for just how cruel they can be at the most unexpected moments, and it is only by weathering the storm that what they do just doesn't affect you so much anymore. One of the things that has helped me after my siblings took all my mother's things, is to realize that they are never going to be nice people. You are a kind person that looks for the best in others. Part of having good self esteem and being a loving person, is we usually expect people to be like us, and it hurts us to have a set negative opinion of another person and to always have to be on guard if we are forced at times to deal with this person. You are almost at the finish line, and now your ex husband can only inflict his poison at times when you have to see him like at your children's weddings. Do prepare yourself for these future encounters without worrying too much, and you will get to the point where you are less affected by what he does, though you will always hurt for your children when their father hurts them.

[Lstrayed]

Wow! I felt the exact same way reading that book and other books about growing up with a bpd parent. I remember crying because I felt like for the first time I really KNEW it was her and not me. Even my therapist was amazed by how "textbook" borderline she is/was.

Yes..The Turn.. I know it well. I feel like I am finally in the place in my life where I fully expect The Turn from my mom. I always know its right around the corner and so I no longer get too close. As a kid though it was horrible. One second my mom was acting like my best friend the next she was throwing things at me and trying to fight me. It was awful. My relationships with everyone other than my husband and best friend suffer because of the turn. I can't seem to fully trust or get too close to anyone because of this. I have "friends" but lately I have been realizing how hollow almost all of these relationships are. I wish you luck. Its refreshing to hear how forgiving and gentle you are with yourself and little wools.  I am getting there...I think!

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you, as always, Zachira. So nice to hear from you! Your care and kindness towards me is like a warm hug.  I know oft times that you need one as well, and we probably all need hugs pretty desperately right now with the Covid-19 situation.

You are right that it does/has taken a lot of work. I think I am so used to hard work (learned from way too young of an age) that I just take it in stride. That's not to say that I don't get tired, but on I go. I really felt called to step into healing, and what a journey! I told my T that the journey to heal from my childhood with my uBPDm was actually so so much harder than walking through the dissolution/divorce and leaving my marriage. He agreed with me, for he has walked alongside me for some time now and watched me go through it. I guess that says a lot, doesn't it?

Lstrayed, so glad to see you jumping in to post! Welcome, btw.  This is an amazing board; lots of great understanding hearts here.

Over the weekend I was thinking more about The Turn, and how could I ever really learn how to trust anyone? Then I realized that there are those who I have learned to trust since I started working in T. The ones I've learned to trust are those who are safe people. Unsafe people haven't earned my trust, and it's okay and healthy to keep a boundary up around them, like with my ex.

Are there any people that you have learned to trust too?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

I trust anybody who doesn't give off bad vibes right away until they prove me otherwise. My ex used to poke fun at me because she's far the opposite.

[JNChell]

I second Turkish, but after my last job, I’m going to be a bit more careful with that. There are people out there that like to make other people uncomfortable for no reason at all. They have their surrogates, and run their show.

Wools, better things are on the way.