Help

[Wynnie]

Hi,  this is the first time I have ever reached out to an online community for help with this seemingly insurmountable difficulty.  My husband of 25 years divorced me 4 years ago, but is still very much in my life, and I think wants to be here, even though he is always planning to leave.  I have known for years that he has a probable mental illness, but couldn't find anything that exactly fit.  I looked at BPD a few years ago, but whatever I read was very negative and very scary, so I discarded it.  I recently came across a video on youtube that was talking about it, and it fit him very closely, so I've begun looking again.

I have doubted my own sanity off and on over the years, because he is very smart and very good at explaining to me the things I do wrong, even though I know that isn't even who I am.  I have done a tremendous amount of work to make honest changes in myself that include a lot of meditation, 12 step, reading, and counseling.  I am seeing clearly for the first time, that this isn't me.  No matter what I do, his issues remain the same.  It's as though his brain runs on a track that keeps cycling through information that doesn't exist.  I never know what I've done to upset him, but I keep trying to stay on top of my eggshells, hoping to not set him off.  It doesn't work, at least not over time.  He will always find a reason to be angry with me or another family member, or feel that no one cares about him despite our very best efforts.  He is a master of misinterpretation.

He is also the kindest, gentlest, funniest, most generous, loving person I know.  I deeply love him.  When he is good, it is magic.  I can't imagine how there could be strife.  I can talk to him about anything.  I love everything about him.  In the back of my mind, though I know that Dr. Jekyll will become Mr. Hyde.  He has broken me and healed me thousands of times.  I am exhausted.  We have a family.  We have deep ties.  We love each other.  I am willing to stick it out, if there is hope.  I believe we are in each other's lives for  good reasons.  I don't know if he will stay, but if there is anything I can do to make this better, I am willing.  BTW, at this point there is no way he will seek counseling.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Wynnie, and

if there is anything I can do to make this better, I am willing

we can and will support you in this. you love a difficult person. there really are practical, applicable ways of loving difficult people.

My husband of 25 years divorced me 4 years ago, but is still very much in my life,
...
He will always find a reason to be angry with me or another family member, or feel that no one cares about him despite our very best efforts.

what is the status of the relationship? what is it, specifically, that the two of you are fighting over?

[Wynnie]

Hello Once Removed.  Thank you for your response.

Our relationship status is that we are divorced, but living on the same property in separate dwellings.  He helps me financially, and we don't usually have conflict over money.  I think he feels guilty about leaving me, and is conflicted about being here because he thinks no one actually wants him here.  All efforts to tell or show him otherwise are rejected unless he is in a good mood.

We don't actually fight a lot, mostly because I don't react much to his efforts to engage me in conflict.  I feel sometimes that he picks at and pushes me with little criticisms until I react, and then he can ramp up and be verbally aggressive until I cry, and then he feels better.  He is very offended if I point this out though, because he sees himself as the abused party in this relationship.  He doesn't see why the things he says to me should be hurtful because he likes to point out that I don't care about him anyway.

He swings from being completely in charge to being completely rejected.  When he is good,  he is the voice of reason, he is very, very smart, he isn't defensive and can joke and have fun.  When he turns to the bad, there isn't a single thing I can do or say that can't be misjudged, misinterpreted, or used as evidence of my lack of regard for him.  He believes I am a complete narcissist.  BTW, when he first told me that, I spent a year in counseling and studying narcissism because it scared me.  My counselor has moved away, but she and pretty much everyone I know have assured me that isn't me.

I guess, mostly what we have conflict about is his perception about the way I treat him, and have treated him throughout our relationship. 

[Wynnie]

I have been doing some reading on this website, and I'm feeling a little daunted.  I want to do what I can to help my ex, but I am not sure where to begin.  I feel that I already do some of the things suggested, like reflective listening, trying to empathize, and being supportive.  He rarely confronts me or discusses the things that he believes I do that upset him.  He says there is no point because I don't care.  I have a history of being defensive regarding his complaints.  I have, however worked very hard to expunge defensiveness from my reactions and replace it with curiosity and willingness to discuss and own my faults.  This has helped some, but only for a short period.  He then returns to his previous belief as if the conversation never happened.
He generally gets very distant or stops talking to me at all for a while.  He's actually doing it now and I have no idea why.  We had been getting along really well for the last couple of months, and maybe it was too much.  I know I hurt his feelings somehow. 
Anyway, I really don't know what to do now, so I am just giving him space.  His last comment to me was that my brain is jello because I can't engage the way he wants. 

I would love it if someone could give me a map.  I feel very lost and overwhelmed.

[Wynnie]

So many of the stories in this thread could be me.  I don't know if I find this comforting or sickening.   How could this be so prevalent?

[once removed]

How could this be so prevalent?

youre on a site for people dealing with loved ones with BPD traits. BPD is a personality style. for most of us, the person we have loved wouldnt necessarily qualify for a personality disordered diagnosis, but when youre dealing with a personality style, youre going to see a lot of overlap. BPD traits (even a splash of them), in particular, can be a real nightmare.

you have a lot of unresolved conflict with your ex husband.

whats the end game? are you trying to resolve the conflict, and if so, to what end? do you want to get back together?