Approach to getting Spouse into Treatment

[JennaVonH]

Hi,
 
 I'm currently going into week 3 of being told she wanted a divorce (very impulsively). This has been going on at least every 6 months for the past 12 years. Between the gaslighting and projection/deflection - I was convinced that I was responsible for the problems in our relationship/her life. With 18 months of Therapy, I've realized this isn't the case ie: I exclusively am not to blame. She had 2 very short stints in Therapy, which if anything have exacerbated her issues. She claims to have PTSD, Anxiety and Depression - which may well be true. But the BPD sirens are REALLY going off in my head. I'm also wondering if perhaps she knows this as well, and why she probably feels therapy is pointless?

I'm relatively positive that my SO has BDP. From everything I've read, by saying "I think you have BDP" - it doesn't end well. Are there any approaches besides the honest-direct method to get them into treatment? Assuming of course they realize they have a problem? I realize you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to. But, I wondered if anyone had any success in getting them IN to Therapy/Treatment and them actually staying in it?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GetMyLifeBack20]

I'm sure you are prepared for her to tell you you are the problem and you are the main cause of the problems. We all have our faults in our issues, but we are not the problem, and for most of us, our issues stem from years of their toxic behavior.

When I presented therapy for him and my feelings that he has a PD, my husband told me he isn't going to spend years in therapy because we all have issues. That he doesn't even understand his brain but he doesn't believe he's abusive because he doesn't hit me and as a provider, we have what we need.

He clearly knows there is a problem with his irrational thinking and behavior, but shame, ego, or whatever it is won't allow him to admit that he's going to continue to live a miserable existence if he doesn't get help. He already destroyed 1 wife and marriage before me. Unfortunately, my thoughts are that their fear of seeking change or admitting they need it overrides their fear of staying the same since they are comfortable there.

Not only that, but ruining our marriage clearly isn't painful enough of thought, and our children growing up broken as well as I see it, isn't a reality to him because they don't see themselves truly as that bad.

Sorry, I realize this isn't helpful and that didn't give you any help with an approach. I've tried though and at least for me, no type of communication or attempt at rationalization has helped.

[JennaVonH]

thanks for your response! I'm sorry that's happening to you.
 I've already been blamed for everything wrong in the relationship, and been made aware that her unhappiness is a direct result of "my issues". After 18 months in Therapy, I clearly "see" what is happening. It's unfortunate that her toxic behaviour exasperated my pre-existing Anxiety, Depressive and Traumatic conditions. But, with help I've gotten better.
 I'm relatively certain that she has BPD. She can explode on me about the most trivial of things, getting intensely personal (ie weaponizing things I have told her about my fears, etc) and then flip a switch and pretend nothing happened the next day. She can never apologize either, which is probably the "shame" and "guilt" part of it. As I mentioned, it's been 3 weeks since her decree to get divorced and move out. But when pushed on it (ie I offered her $1K to move out sooner, discussing custody of our child, filing for seperation) she doesn't want to discuss. She's also been exceptionally "nice" for the last 3 weeks - so much so, that she's actually doing everything I've ever asked of her in terms of being caring, considerate, helpful, yet - has not made any attempt to reconcile? I find it really strange behaviour. I am constantly trying to stay away from her and not engage in anything other that Domestic and Child rearing activities. It's bittersweet in so far as I realize the years of gaslighting, projection and deflection weren't all in my head, but at the same time - I love this person and I want to help them (but I cannot take this ON and own their problems).

[once removed]

hi JennaVonH, and

I'm currently going into week 3 of being told she wanted a divorce (very impulsively). This has been going on at least every 6 months for the past 12 years.

i think that when someone is telling you they want a divorce they are saying there is a problem.

the person you love may not be the best at communicating what the problem is. but, bottom line, there is a problem.

i think getting into who is the problem, or whos personality disorder is the problem, is unlikely to identify or solve the problem.

if you want to save this relationship, thats the key: identifying and solving the problem.

what, in her words, is the problem? why is she mentioning divorce?

[JennaVonH]

The problem is Me, apparently. I am solely responsible for her unhappiness and all of the problems in the relationship...

[babyducks]

The problem is Me, apparently. I am solely responsible for her unhappiness and all of the problems in the relationship...

can we dig a little deeper than that?     are there specifics you feel you can share.   even vaguely?

is there a lack of validation?   maybe attention?  does she feel unheard?   neglected?

what do you feel is the problem?  or problems?    its very seldom one person or one problem,  usually a combination of things.

[babyducks]

I'm late to this conversation and I am sure you have probably already seen this but let me include it for others who might be following along.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

it's hard to cope with a loved one who has a mental illness or the traits of one.   Its physically and emotionally exhausting.     I know it was for me.

- I love this person and I want to help them (but I cannot take this ON and own their problems).

You are absolutely correct.   You can't take on and/or own her problems.     That's totally true.   What you can do is increase your understanding of BPD and what triggers episodes.    the second thing you can do is improve your own communication and coping skills so that there is a greatly likelihood of having productive conversations and maintaining some stability.   for both of you.   

getting someone into therapy is a long term effort.   it takes a long time.    the first step of which is to build trust.    that's why having good communications skills is important.

'ducks

[PeacePlease88]

What are habits to implement to develop a sense as to what triggers episodes?

[babyducks]

What are habits to implement to develop a sense as to what triggers episodes?

for me, I think the best habits to develop to sense what the triggers are:

• a gentle and accepting world view or mindset
• a willingness to listen and learn from new and maybe uncomfortable angles

basically mindfulness.

so there are two sets of triggers to be mindful of right?   your partner's and your own.    I actually found it easier to identify my partner's triggers than my own.   but trust me I got triggered.   

what have you found that helps you identify triggers?

'ducks